Chapter Text
I don’t know how to start this.
I don’t know if I even want to start this but there are some things in life you don’t want to do and have to do them anyway. Some things you want to hold onto but have to let go.
Dear Eddie, Eds, sounds so cliché. Sometimes you just start, right?
I want you to know I will always be Christopher’s Buck. I’m a phone call away if he needs me. I will never abandon him or not be there for him. God, I love that kid like he’s my own. Sometimes I wish he was. Sometimes I slip up and think he is. He’s important.
Know that.
Make sure he knows that. I’m going to talk to him everyday. Hopefully take him places. I’m not going behind your back doing it. It’s between me and Christopher.
Today was my last shift with the 118. Well, by the time you read this it will be yesterday was my last shift with the 118. My transfer cleared two weeks ago.
I learned my strengths are in my weaknesses. To own that. I have felt burden with blame and apologized for things my whole life that I shouldn’t have to. I know this place, this building. I know all the faces I grew up here with. My family. Part of my family at least. They’re in this building. Engraved in it. Just like you. It helped shape me, they helped shape me, into a better man. A man that’s at peace with himself.
You’re part of that reason. You and Christopher.
We may be small and a little bit broken but good, yeah good. Pretty sure I can quote all of Christopher’s favorite movies by heart and I love that I can.
I never dreamed that I would feel like home is not where I belong. I fought so hard to get back to it.
I’m not talking about the 118 anymore.
I never thought of my apartment as home. Your house, was home. My home. At least I thought it was.
But it’s not.
I remember so many months ago, a party at your place, Maddie telling me she was trying to save me from myself and I didn’t get it then. I do now. She was doing the big sister thing and trying to save me from the inevitable.
From this.
I took my Lieutenant exam. Top 1%. Bobby thinks in another two years I can go for Captain. Already has the letter of recommendation typed out. Its nice to feel that faith someone has in you. That look of fatherly pride and adoration. Athena has one for me as well. They’re so certain. May and Harry are excited to see me get my promotion at the ceremony, Bobby is giving me my new badge.
I hope you let Carla bring Christopher.
I wanted you to be the first person I told and for the first time, you weren’t. I called Josh of all people. He’s a good guy. He’s kept me busy and out of my head the past few months. Told me he gets it. I didn’t even have to tell him what it was. Him and Al, Albert. I swear that kid is a mini Chim. The look on Chim’s face that night at dinner when Al finally told him he’s joining the academy. He’s been talking about it for two months now. I kept telling him to just rip the band aid off.
Easier said than done. Like I’m one to talk, right?
That mixture of fear and pride on Chim’s face. Then the hugging and crying. If he doesn’t end up at the 118, I hope he ends at mine.
I think he’s going to propose to Maddie soon. Chim, not Al.
Made me realize how long it’s been since you dropped by my apartment unexpectedly coming in using your key and we just hung out or had a movie night. Texted or talked on the phone.
Realized if you go to my apartment it will be empty because I moved two weeks ago or that if you call you’ll get this number is not in service because I changed numbers.
Realized you hadn’t even noticed because you haven’t said anything.
Because you stopped dropping in or calling. You did that months ago.
I get it. You’re happy and I’m happy for you. I can fake a laugh, a smile. I’ve been doing it since you told me you met Ana at parent teacher night. Been biting my tongue. Watching as we drift apart the closer the two of you get.
But Eds, I’m only human. I can only take so much until I’ve had enough. Maybe it’s selfish of me but I can’t fake it anymore.
Looking back to the day we met, I think we were always meant to help each other grow then…..well.
Here I was thinking I was a root in yours and Christopher’s tree when it turns out I’m just a leaf. There for a season.
For you anyway.
I’ll always be Christopher’s root.
I see now we were never meant for anything more than what we got. I cherish every moment of it. I cherish the memories I have of you. The smiles, the way you laugh. The way we silently just talked to each other. It was perfect.
Now someone else gives you that. Makes you smile, laugh, have those silent eye conversations with.
This road we’re on, it’s come to a fork. Yours is going in a different direction and I have to let it. It has been for awhile now.
I didn’t ever picture us burning out. Drifting apart bit by bit. Somewhere along the way we became those people that hit the like button on an Instagram post.
It’s different than it was with Abby. Abby just ghosted me. You just found life again.
I’m glad you did. You deserve it. Happiness. Love. Security. Someone that understands you. The whole domestic package.
I love you Edmundo Diaz. I love you so much that I’m letting you go.
I want you to go be happy.
So, that means someone has to leave because it hurts to keep faking it and that someone is me.
I have to. You’re everywhere at the 118. The gym. The trucks. The dinner table. God, just looking at you makes it harder. To breathe, to think. To just exist.
I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better……as your best friend.
That’s all I was ever going to be. I get it now. That’s what Maddie was trying to tell me to save myself from. She saw it before I did. How attached I am to you and that sweet little boy. That I thought of you as my little family. How much I wanted to make you mine. That I could be the one that understood you. That I wanted to give you that domestic package.
How you will always be in my heart and how hard it will be to find someone that makes me feel the way you do.
Chris has me forever.
Carla, Maddie, everyone has the number. They know where I’m living now.
I don’t want you to know though and everyone gets it, respects it. It’s the only way I can do this. Nothing can make this feel right but it has to be done.
The key to your house is in the envelope if it hasn’t already fallen out. I have a feeling someone else needs it now.
Be happy. Move on to great things. Know that someone out there loves you so much that they want you to be happy even if they’re miserable.
I can’t write the words goodbye to you. I don’t want to.
The name Edmundo Diaz is forever engraved in my heart like a permanent tattoo that can never be removed.
I love you. I thought I knew what those words meant. I thought I knew with Abby. Then you came into my life and showed me.
Don’t look for me or ask.
I’m already gone.