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TK stood there, looking worriedly at Carlos.
He’d been standing there staring at him for ten minutes now, but he couldn't bring himself to look away.
He could still feel the heat coming from the smoldering remains of what used to be a house behind him, even though he and his team had put out the fire a while ago.
Whatever was going on, it was bad.
TK hadn’t recognized the address, completely unaware of what he was about to walk into. All he knew was that a house was on fire, and a couple was trapped inside.
When they pulled up to the scene, he was shocked to see Carlos standing there, still as a statue, staring at the house with an expression so hauntingly blank it sent a shiver down TK’s spine.
As much as he wanted to run to Carlos and find out exactly what the hell was going on, he was forced to ignore his boyfriend, and to do his job. But as soon as he saw that house, completely up in flames and barely still standing, he knew. There would be no survivors tonight.
A while later, the fire was out and his team was exhausted.
TK looked around for Carlos and saw him standing in the exact same spot by his squad car, his arm wrapped around his partner, Rebecca, who was sobbing into his chest. TK wanted to go to him, but the look on Carlos’ face made him pause.
Carlos’ entire focus was on the remains of the house, and he was rubbing Rebecca’s back, trying to comfort her.
What the hell was going on here?
He jumped when Michelle walked up behind him.
“The house,” she said sadly, eyes on Carlos. “It’s Samantha Morrison’s. Her husband set it on fire with the two of them still inside. She’s dead. They both are.”
TK’s heart dropped. “No…” he said. “God, please no.”
Samantha Morrison. 23 years old. Married to Roger Morrison since she was 18. He had been badly abusing her for years. Carlos mentioned her frequently. He was so desperate to help her, but there was nothing he could do. She was always defending her husband. Making up lies and excuses about her injuries so that they couldn’t arrest him. Turning down Carlos’ many offers to help her escape, to help her start a new life somewhere else.
Carlos had been trying desperately to help her for months, since the very first time he was called to that house. And now she was dead.
TK knew what that blank look on his face was now. It was guilt.
Misplaced guilt, but guilt nonetheless.
TK didn’t even realize that Michelle had walked away until he was approached by his father.
“I heard the story from one of the officers…” Owen said.
“I’ve never seen that look on his face before dad,” TK said, feeling his eyes fill with tears and his heart ache for the man he loved. “Look at him.”
“I’m assuming that’s his partner he’s comforting?” Owen asked.
TK nodded. “Rebecca. They’ve been trying to help Samantha for months, Carlos especially. Trying to save her from her piece of shit husband.”
Owen was quiet for a long time, studying Carlos.
“TK,” he finally said, “I need to tell you something, and I don’t want you to get upset. But it’s important, son.”
“Of course dad,” TK replied. “You can tell me anything.”
Owen nodded slowly. “In your relationship, and this isn’t an insult, it’s just the way it is, Carlos is the one who’s constantly supporting you, being there for you, and comforting you when you need it. There’s always one person in any relationship who gives slightly more than they get, one who is just stronger emotionally than the other. It doesn’t mean you love him any less than he loves you, I know how much you love Carlos, it just means that in the way of support, you’re used to being on the receiving end.”
TK thought for a minute about what his father had just said. He wanted to be upset about it, wanted to protest, because of course he supported Carlos. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that his father was right.
Carlos was just… Always there. No matter what. He was there with a hug and a home cooked meal after TK had a long shift, even if he’d just gotten off a shift as well. He was a shoulder to cry on when TK had a bad day. He was there to check in on TK’s mental state, always on the lookout for signs of a potential relapse. He knew exactly what to say, how to cheer TK up, how to make him happier than he’d ever been before. Carlos was TK’s rock.
“You’re right dad,” TK said finally. “You’re absolutely right.”
“Carlos is the kind of person who gives and gives and gives,” Owen continued. “Even when what he really needs is to take. Just look at him now, comforting his partner when he looks like he’s about to come apart at the seams himself. You need to be careful with someone like that because…”
TK looked at his father as he hesitated to continue.
“What dad? Because what?” he pressed gently.
Owen took a deep breath. “Because when you avoid dealing with your own emotions in favor of everyone else’s, it will tear your relationship apart,” he said. “After 9/11, your mother tried so hard to be there for me, and I wouldn’t let her. I was so focused on being a rock for everyone else and supporting them that I didn’t let her- or you- be there for me when I needed it. I pushed you both away. That was the beginning of the end of our marriage. And I will always, ALWAYS regret it.”
TK sighed and wrapped his arm around his father’s shoulders. “I’m sorry dad,” he said.
Owen kissed the top of TK’s head. “I don’t want that for you and Carlos. I see how much you two love each other. You have never been happier than you are right now. What you have with him is special, and there’s nothing that would hurt me more than seeing that crumble, especially if there was something I could do to help.”
“I love you so much dad,” TK said. “You know that, right?”
“And I love you more than anything in the world,” Owen replied. “Now go. I’ll see you tomorrow at the station. Go take care of your man. Believe me, he needs it.”
Getting Carlos into the passenger seat of the squad car had not been easy.
After talking to his dad, TK walked over to his boyfriend. Carlos didn’t take his eyes off of the house to look at him until TK was standing right in front of him.
“TK…” Carlos whispered, quickly averting his eyes from TK’s and looking back to the house.
“I think it’s time I take you home,” TK said softly.
Carlos was starting to protest when Rebecca gave him a quick squeeze before letting go and taking a step back. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “TK is right Carlos,” she said, her voice strained from crying. “We should go home. We’ll need to be at the station early tomorrow morning to… To work out what happened here tonight.”
“Are you going to be okay?” Carlos asked, squeezing her hand.
“Not really,” she replied. “But that’s why I have you.”
His father’s words echoed in TK’s mind. Carlos was always trying to be strong for everyone else. Probably since his childhood when his father died and left him to care for his mother and two sisters.
But what about him? Well, that was TK’s job now, and he was not going to take it lightly.
TK put his arm around Carlos and led him to the car.
“I can’t just leave-” Carlos started to protest again.
“Carlos,” TK said in a tone that brooked no arguments. “I am taking you home. There’s nothing you can do here, and you’re exhausted. I know how long you’ve been on duty.”
“But…” Carlos tried.
“No buts,” TK replied.
With his hand firmly on Carlos’ back, TK bodily placed his boyfriend into the passenger seat of his car and buckled his seatbelt.
He looked up and saw his dad looking back at him. They nodded to each other as TK walked to the driver’s seat and drove away from this nightmare.
***************************************************
Carlos hadn’t said one word in the car. TK tried to get him to talk a few times, but was met with silence. He decided to give him some time for now, but as soon as they got to Carlos’ apartment TK was going to get him to open up. He couldn’t let Carlos keep something this bottled up.
When they entered the apartment, Carlos immediately started towards the bedroom.
“Carlos,” TK said. “Wait. Come on babe, we need to talk about this.”
“I just want to go to bed TK,” Carlos said. His voice was dull and lifeless. TK had never heard him sound like that before. It scared him.
“Talk to me,” TK pleaded. “Please Carlos, just talk to me.”
Carlos turned around quickly to face him. “About what?!” he asked angrily. “About how I got her killed? About how I didn’t save her? Didn’t stop her bastard of a husband? About how it’s all MY FAULT?”
Carlos shouted the last two words and slammed his fist into the wall. He cried out in pain and anger.
TK immediately started moving forward, afraid he had hurt himself.
“Don’t,” Carlos said weakly, sinking down to the floor. “Don’t.”
TK ignored him and kept walking until he was kneeling in front of Carlos.
“It was not your fault Carlos,” he said. “Do you hear me? You tried. For months, you tried.”
“I should’ve tried harder,” he insisted. “I should’ve…”
“Should have what?” TK asked, putting his hand on Carlos’ knee. “There’s only so much you can do to help someone Carlos. Especially when they don’t want it.”
Carlos’ eyes filled with tears but he didn’t let them fall. “I tried to run into the house… To save her. But Michelle and the other officers were holding me back.”
TK inwardly shuddered at what could have happened if Carlos had managed to get inside of that burning house. He didn’t even want to think about it.
“I’m so sorry baby,” TK said. “There was nothing you could do.”
Carlos sniffled, still trying to hold back his tears.
“Don’t do that Carlos,” TK gently pushed. “You don’t have to hold it in. If you want to scream, if you want to cry, if you want to break something, whatever you need to do, you can. You don’t always have to be so strong for everyone all the time. Let it out baby.”
Carlos shook his head stubbornly. “If I let go...”
“I’ve got you Carlos,” TK promised. “I’m here and I have your back, always. I’ll be strong enough for the both of us. So you can let go, I’ve got you.”
As soon as he finished speaking, Carlos’ shoulders started shaking and TK pulled him into his chest. He felt Carlos’ arms wrap around his middle and hold on tight, his face burrowed deep in TK’s shoulder. The heart-wrenching sobs started not long after that.
TK held on tight and rocked Carlos back and forth. “I’ve got you,” he whispered over and over. “I’ve got you, love.”
He didn’t know how long they’d been on the floor when Carlos’ sobs started to slow down and then stopped altogether. He was still wrapped around TK, and TK continued to whisper softly to him and rub his back, giving whatever comfort he could. He would sit there all week if he had to. He would do whatever Carlos needed.
Carlos deserved the world, and TK was going to do his best to give it to him.