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With your head in your hands, and damp tears cascading down your cheeks, you wept to yourself in the late hours of the night. In choked desolation, you had glanced over at the time piece on the bedside table of the bedroom John and you shared.
In this bedroom, John and you had spent countless nights together, smitten. Every quiet laugh shared in the dark, every action of passion displayed exclusively for each other, tangled in limbs, every cuddle at the end of a long day. On the same bed you sat alone tonight, you had nursed John back to health when his fragile frame couldn’t bare the weight of his own body anymore. In this same room, you would kiss each and every scar that peppered his skin. For the world, he was a merciless, famed assassin. But for you, he was the most caring, loving man you had the pleasure of knowing and calling yours. You felt for John, you really did. The world saw him as this monster, constantly reminding him of all the murder that lied on his finger tips. You tried your best to tell him otherwise. You knew he wasn’t proud of what he was, but to you, he was so much more. That’s all you wanted, to show him how much more he really was.
Being in a relationship with John Wick emitted a sort of…ominous feeling at times. Sometimes, you felt uncertain. John was a man of few words, and those words were even more scarce when his work was involved. When he first told you of what exactly he does, who he is, what the dire circumstances of life have shaped him into, you were scared. Not of John, you could never be scared of him, no matter what the situation. You loved him too much, and he loved you too much to ever inflict any pain or danger your way. You were scared of what could happen to him, the thought of him not coming home to you one dreadful night constantly lured over your head, glooming and making the worst of outcomes brew in your mind.
But John assured you he would make no mistake. He was the best at what he did, constantly triumphing over all who came his way. He knew you worry, he always tried to keep your fears at bay. You being restless, meant he was restless; that’s what love means.
Before you came along, claiming a spot in John’s life, he didn’t care much about making it out alive. He did what he did, baring the scars and daggers thrown his way impassively. But all that changed when he gave you his heart. He felt you saved him in a way, gave him something to live for, someone to live for.
But the uncertain events of tonight left you both feeling overwhelmed. John and you had a very understanding relationship, filled with respect for each other. You hardly ever fought, surely you had disagreements here and there, as all couples do. Normally they were harmless, usually revolving around the lines of an unwashed dish in the sink, or a dirty towel left on the floor. But tonight, tonight was different. It was your first major outburst. You were both angry, you had taken jabs at each other. It was very unlike you and John, but things had been laid out on the table tonight, and they pierced into every vein in your heart, emitting an appalling presence.
As far as you remembered, you had fell asleep while talking to John the previous night. You lay in bed next to each other, his arm wrapped securely around your waist as he hugged you from behind. With your back pressed to his chest, you had rest your hand on his arm that draped over you, soothingly running your thumb over the rough skin. In part because you wanted to help him relax, but also because you wanted to keep yourself awake. John had been scare lately, his work keeping him out of home, and evenings like this had become your main form of communication and bonding time. You tried so hard to stay awake to spend as many moments as possible with him, but eventually, sleep had consumed you. But you weren’t too upset, John would be home the next day, and you would be able to spend some much needed time together.
When you woke up in the morning however, the weight of John’s body was no where to be found beside you, leaving the spot cold and vacant. Propping yourself up on the bed with your elbows, your sleep drowned, groggy eyes scanned the room for him.
“John? Babe?” you called, your voice raspy.
John was no where to be found.
Pouring yourself a freshly pressed cup of coffee, you tapped your phone, letting out a deep yawn, in efforts to reach John’s cell. He never picked up.
You felt your heart sink for sure, you had been looking forward to having him to yourself today, and you really thought he reciprocated the feeling. Into the prolonged hours of the day, you still had no idea where John was. Chances were, he had been called for a job, and you understood that. You knew there would be times he had to leave suddenly, but you were okay with it. You were willing to compromise that to be with him. But it wasn’t like him to leave without telling you, it made you worry.
Around 10pm, the jingle of the lock rose you out of your seat at the kitchen counter. You had been restlessly playing with your fingernails, praying that John was okay and would be home soon. You had prepared dinner and left John a plate in the microwave, pushing your own down with one, maybe two glasses of wine. All alone.
Tip toeing to the hallway up front, you saw John in his suit and tie, taking off his shoes and belt. He didn’t have any apparent new bruises or cuts on his face, allowing you to sigh of relief.
“Hey..” you breathed, folding your hands in front of yourself and slightly leaning against the wall. “Where were you? I tried calling and everything.”
“Got a call early morning, had some stuff to take care of.” John replied, his deep voice low, not making much of the situation. He was in the process of taking off his suit coat and hanging in on the stairs.
“Oh..okay.” you shrugged, suddenly feeling uneasy. John was being a bit…cold? “Foods in the microwave.” You said quietly, trying to study his face for a reaction.
“Thanks, hun.” He said casually, padding into the kitchen, a very slight, almost unidentifiable limp in his walk.
He hadn’t even kissed you yet, forget about kiss, he hadn’t even touched you yet. It hurt a little, you waited for him all day because today was meant for the two of you, and he disappeared for the entirety of it, and came back giving you almost no explanation of his whereabouts.
You trailed along behind him, silently praying he would turn around and engulf you in a hug sooner than later. That’s what couples do, right? Maybe you were being too needy and craving attention. But maybe you had the right to feel this way, John had kinda left you hanging in the dark there.
“I thought we were supposed to spend some time together today?” you questioned lightly, leaning against the kitchen island counter, eyes on John as he washed his hands.
“It was out of the blue, I had to take the call, babe.” John sighed, his back still facing you.
“Yeah I get that, but you could have at least let me know you were leaving? I was kinda worried..” you replied, fidgeting with your nails again, keeping yourself calm.
“I didn’t get the chance, sorry.” John turned now, drying his hands on the kitchen towel. He hadn’t looked your way once.
You chuckled lightly, nodding your head in disagreement. “You couldn’t nudge me awake to say you’re leaving so I wouldn’t just be hanging around wondering where the fuck you were all day? Or I don’t know, maybe shoot me a text, write a fucking note, anything, Johnathan!” you said, your voice a little louder than intended. You hadn’t meant to pick a fight, but the bubbling of emotions inside you had threatened to spill, crashing down eventually.
“Y/N please, I don’t wanna start an argument. I told you, I didn’t get the chance. My intentions weren’t to hurt you.” John was still calm as well, but you could see there was slight annoyance forming in his eyes as well.
You swallowed to rid the lump that was forming in your throat. Looking down at the floor, you sighed lightly. In that moment, it was as if your mind was racing too fast to process. You finally blurted out, without thinking twice.
“I don’t deserve this, John. All I ask is for you to fucking talk to me.”
John immediately tensed, his large hands sprawled on the counter as his arms leaned over it. He took a deep breath, and exhaled. You could tell he wanted to say something, but was holding back.
“I’m doing this for us, Y/N. You don’t need to know every little detail. You knew exactly what you were signing up for when we went into this” He said through almost gritted teeth, gesturing between you two.
Your jaw dropped, slightly taken back. John had never been this…aggressive with you, if that’s what you would call it. Maybe stern was a better word.
“Really, John? Because as far as I remember, I didn’t know you were a fucking assassin going into this.” You spat out. You immediately regretted it, even though you both knew what John was, saying it out loud almost made it more real. Gave it more power over you both.
“What are you trying to say, Y/N.” John questioned, although it was more of a statement, his arms now at his side, staring you right in the eyes. He had an empty look on his face, but you could see a tinge of sadness in his eyes. This discussion had been starting to hurt the both of you.
You sighed and looked down, trying to look for the right words. You felt tears brimming at your eyes, but you held yourself composed. Looking up at him, in the eyes, you spoke.
“I’ve made a lot of changes for us, John. And I’m trying my best.” Your voice threatened to break.
“Well I’m trying my best as well, Y/N. I don’t know what else to say.” John said, now walking past you, out of the kitchen. He loosened his tie as he started up the stairs, into your shared bedroom. You heard the shower turn on a little later, as you were leaning against the staircase ledge, trying to think of where exactly you had gone wrong tonight.
Walking into the bedroom a few minutes later, you saw John was out of the shower, drying his wet hair. Once again, he didn’t acknowledge you walking in. That stung. Again.
Sighing, and feeling the gaping hole in your heart grow wider now, you trekked towards your side of the bed, grasping your pillow. Perhaps, you would take the couch tonight.
“What are you doing?” John questioned as he saw the pillow in your hand, droplets of water still clasped at the ends of his long, black locks. He realized you didn’t want to sleep together tonight. The argument had done more damage than he intended, but it was already done.
Looking down, and then off into the distance briefly, he grabbed his pillow, tucking it securely under his arm, and walked out of the room. He would rather have himself take the couch over you, a gentleman would never make his lady spend the night on the couch, no matter how angry he was.
That was over an hour ago, and here you were. All alone, on the edge of your bed, sobbing. Part of you regretted everything, you really didn’t mean to come off so harsh, but you missed him. You felt you deserved some explanation.
“What am I doing wrong?” you questioned yourself, staring up at the ceiling with your tear stained cheeks. Bringing your gaze down, you spotted John’s medication on the nightstand. Whenever John would come back from work, he usually took some sort of meds to help with pain and to relax his muscles. The bottle hadn’t moved since the last time you saw it, alerting you that he hadn’t taken his dose yet.
You contemplated for a second, debating. Finally, you wiped your cheeks with the sleeves of your sweater and took a deep, almost meditation like breath in. You knew John, he wouldn’t come back into the room tonight for his meds. He wouldn’t want to disturb you or your space, especially since you had made the first move of sleeping in separate rooms tonight.
Grabbing the pills in a swift moment, you rose and headed out the bedroom. Tip toeing town the stairs, you could see John’s figure sprawled across the couch, his long legs dangling off the much smaller piece of furniture. You suddenly felt horrible.
His eyes were closed, and he had his forearm resting across his forehead, in attempts to keep light out. You made yourself known by grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge for him. He tilted his head up, and saw you standing by the hallway door with two of the meds in the palm of your hand, and a bottle of water in the other.
You locked eyes for a moment, before you finally started walking towards him. He immediately sat up, shuffling over so you could sit beside him. With a nod of the head, you extended your hand his way, offering the pills. He took them into his mouth as you cracked the bottle lid for him.
Both staring at the floor, you sat in silence, both unsure of what to say. Clearly, you both had forgotten your anger and cooled off.
John was the first to speak. “You wanna talk about it?” he asked lightly, resting his hand on your thigh.
“I don’t know.” You said in almost a whisper, unsure.
John tapped your arm to get you to make eye contact. He then titled his head down towards the couch, lightly tugging at your arm. You smiled lightly at him.
John positioned himself to lay down on his back on the couch, and gently pulled you down by the arm to lay on top of him. With your chest pressed flush against his, you made yourself comfortable, resting your head on his pecs. He wrapped his arms around your waist, stroking his hand up and down your back.
You closed your eyes to enjoy the moment. Maybe this was all you wanted all along, to just be with him, to feel him close. In that moment, there was nothing in the world for you besides John, you rest on top of him, feeling nothing but him holding you tight and close.
Pressing a few light kisses into your hair while still stroking your back, John broke the comfortable silence. “I’m really sorry, baby. I should have tried to reach out to you, I know. I’m sorry I was being distant tonight, I wasn’t in the best mood and I guess I kinda channeled it onto you by accident. I don’t know, I guess I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with my shit. I never intended to hurt you, sweetheart.” He spoke, quietly into the silent room.
He grabbed your hand in his, and pressed his lips to it, holding it tight. “You’re right, baby. You don’t deserve this.” He sighed.
“John, I’m sorry. I said some stuff I didn’t mean tonight as well, but I didn’t mean it. I know you’re trying baby, and I appreciate it. I totally overreacted. Gosh I’m so fucking stupid sometimes…I really hurt you with…you know…the assassin thing.” You avoided eye contact, completely embarrassed, your heart aching. You know that hurt him, and it killed you that you were the cause of it. If anything, your goal in life had been to lessen his hurt and pain. You felt tears prick at your eyes again. “I’m so sorry, John.” you whispered, burying your face in his chest.
“Hey hey, Y/N, honey, look at me.” You looked up at him to make eye contact, and he held your face between his warm hands. “We both said some stuff tonight we didn’t mean to. I know you didn’t mean it, baby. It didn’t hurt me, I’m okay. I know you don’t really think that stuff.” He wiped a tear away from your cheek with his thumb.
“I really didn’t John. I love you so much.” You scratched his beard gently with your fingers, pressing a few kisses to his shoulders and chest.
“I love you, Y/N. I promise, never again will this happen.” He said, referring to the events of the day.
“I promise; I’ll never freak out again like I did today. I know you don’t need that on top of everything you’re already dealing with. But babe, please, don’t keep me in the dark.” You said, making eye contact, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I wanna be there for you and help you, I need you to share things with me. That’s what we do for each other, right? We help each other.” You spoke quietly.
“I don’t want you to worry, love.” He pulled you closer, pressing your head to his chest again. “I can take care of it on my own.” He argued.
“No, John. You can’t. Us against the world, right? That’s what we promised.” You played with his fingers, cheek still pressed against his chest. You pressed a few kisses to his hand.
You both laid in silence for a few moments, before the deep rumble of his chest signaled dialogue.
“I’ve been trying to get out…for you. For us, so we can have a normal future. I want to give you a normal life. That’s what this morning was about.”
You were taken back, but felt tears of joy. Lifting your head to look at him, you cupped his cheek. “Baby…really?” you smiled wide, letting out a few giggles.
“Yeah. Its gonna be tough, but I promise, I’m going to make it happen.” He leaned into your touch.
You both stayed there, wrapped in each others embrace, sulking in the moment. It seemed like that was all you needed after all, to just be together. “Once I’m out, everything’s going to be perfect. We’re going to live a perfect life together.” He cooed into your ear, as he stroked your hair soothingly.
“How about we go back to bed, huh?” you smiled up at him, leaning your chin on his chest, running your thumb over his bottom lip.
He smiled in response, and nodded his head, entwining your hands once again.