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The First Night
They’re sweating and panting in the stream of moonlight through the crack of the shutters. Dizzying amounts of coffee-colored skin tangled in the cream sheets of the bed pushed up against the window in the Portland condo. Tobin takes a deep breath as she curls on her side, her warm palm feeling Christen’s heart ready to beat out of her chest.
It had taken months, and slow lingering kisses but finally the two women had been able to be alone for an entire night in Tobin’s Portland condo. Free from roommates and free from the prying eyes of teammates. Just the two of them and the burning desires from deep in their chest. Exploring each other’s bodies with tongues, hands, and lips. Tobin had spread Christen open, getting to discover the most intimate parts of her and what makes her keen.
Tobin wants the image of Christen’s flushed face burned behind her eyelids for the rest of her life as she made her come undone with a wavering whimper. Dark curls against the pillow, green eyes blazing in the soft light. Christen similarly felt a smirk twist across her lips as she felt Tobin’s strong thighs tremble above her face while she got her to lose all sense of control she ever had between the two of them. Tobin loved to pretend she called the shots in the relationship, but Christen knew it was just a facade. Tobin rolls closer to her as they both steady their breathing.
It was as if this night was simply another, a part of a routine. Christen’s lips found the older woman’s neck, kissing and soothing small bites littered across the lighter skin left from earlier in the night. Tobin sighs out at the feeling, her hands running up and down Christen’s back as she moved to straddle her. This movement was gentle though, not rushed and heated like earlier. Christen wasn’t seeking any relief by rolling over onto Tobin, just the feeling of being close. Their lips met chastely, Christen’s hand cupping Tobin’s cheeks.
“Love you,” She murmured between kisses, settling on her side to stroke Tobin’s pink cheeks. The midfielder was flushed from the heat of their activities before, overheated in the warm sheets, and just the slightest in awe of how much she loved the woman beside her.
“Mmm love you babe,” Tobin replies as she sits up, reaching for the window. She opens the heavy condo window, her muscles flexing in the small amount of light as she does. Christen watches the movement, eyes trailing along the smattering of dark moles from Tobin’s decades spent in the sun. Her shoulders ripple as she pushes, golden-brown hair hanging over one. She turns around, letting the cold Portland air cool her down.
“Did I get you too hot and bothered?” Christen teases with a giggle, watching Tobin’s skin slowly fall back into its normal shade of golden tan. She crawled back into the sheets, shaking her head no. Too tired to respond to the teasing. Christen knew Tobin ran hot, the girl was like a mini furnace when she fell asleep on planes from years on the team together. So being a bit warm after their last activity, didn’t seem like too much of a reach.
“ ‘m sleepy,” Tobin yawned, rubbing at her big brown eyes. Christen leaned over to kiss her forehead before getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom to get ready to sleep. Tobin watches her go, in awe of the woman she had fallen in love with. She really had Christen Press in her bed. Not even just in her bed, although Tobin’s brown gaze rested on the firm ass swaying as she walked away but she had a woman who she loved with her and that was what made her heart swell. Taking that step with Christen seemed substantially harder than any one night stand she’s had, including a biker chick with a curly Mohawk and a list of kinks she pulled out in bed. This time Tobin was not leaving in 25 minutes after coming.
Her previous relationship with Shirley wasn’t love, and she thinks the two women realized that after a few years. Tobin tried her hardest, she was a hopeless romantic. She did everything to dote on the Spanish speaking woman, but when it came down to the end of the night they often felt the spark fade out. One of Tobin’s more embarrassing experiences in bed had been her inability to make Shirley come during the last few splintered visits, and the tanned Costa Rican had all but admitted she wasn’t attracted to the younger girl anymore. Life happens to be that way sometimes, pulling you farther away from who you pour your love into.
But Christen made Tobin’s body buzz with love, and when they kissed her stomach coiled--in a good way. In a way that made Tobin breathless. Christen tasted sweeter, earthier, and made Tobin ache for more each time. She could make her on edge with just a few touches, a few licks, and a bite for good measure. Their bodies knew each other better than they may know themselves.
The brunette got out of the messy bed, going to brush her teeth beside Christen in the sink. It was domestic and gentle, and everything she wanted— Tobin could easily see a future with the younger girl. Christen rests her left hand low on Tobin’s hip as she spits into the sink, kissing her cheek. Her thumb rubs the dip in her sharp hip, ghosting over the bone and towards her v-line.
“Love you Tobes.” She breathes out before walking back to bed, curling up on her side. Christen watches her girlfriend finish in the sink as she turns off the bathroom light. Her hair was messy, falling down her shoulders. Her taut neck covered in small love bites, her breasts hardened from the cool air in the room, and her abs on display. Beautiful .
“Goodnight Chris.” Tobin yawns, crawling under the sheets and settling on her side away from Christen. The dark-haired woman paused for a moment before taking the hint that Tobin was the little spoon.
It honestly wasn’t surprising when Christen thought about it. Sure she loved to be spooned but Tobin--Tobin needed it. She needed reassurance, and she craved it through touch. Christen had learned that quickly while dating the older woman. The low lingering hip touches at dates, her right hand almost always on her thigh as they ate (one of the plus sides about Tobin being a lefty), and the way Tobin would squeeze her hand on their bus rides. It was possessive possibly but also served to remind Tobin that she had Christen there.
And Christen adored it. She always let her hold on just a bit longer than necessary, curling their hands together while they walked on the beach, and leaning over her shoulder as they picked out an ice cream flavor together.
She gently wrapped her arms around the smaller figure, feeling her wiggle back against her front. Christen kissed behind Tobin’s neck, curling a hand against her hip bone. The midfielder rolled over, tucking her head into Christen’s bare chest. “Can’t believe we did that,” She mumbles against the skin. Christen’s laugh rumbles deep against her.
“Can’t believe you’re the little spoon.”
Tough Losses
Portland loses 6-0 and it’s embarrassing. Tobin’s crying in the locker room full of anguish at the number of fouls against her, and missed shots overall. She’s angry and she knows that they should have at the very least scored and made it an even game.
And fuck
Christen had been in the stands. She left her a text, letting her know she would be in the car waiting for Tobin that way she didn’t have to fight through the hoards of fans to see her girlfriend. And honestly, it was better that way. Less talking, less recounting of the horrible night. Thank god Mark didn’t want me to do media tonight, Tobin thought as she shoved her warm up clothes into her bag and headed out of the building through a back tunnel, clad in a stolen black balenciaga sweatshirt of Christen’s and warm black joggers with her brown rimmed glasses on.
They don’t speak on the drive home. Christen’s right warm hand lays on her thigh as she drives them through the streets to the condo. The sound of the drizzly Portland rain against the windshield nearly lulled Tobin to sleep, exhausted from the game. Her eyes flutter open and close every few stop signs and streetlights, eyes staring at the colors.
“We’re home babe,” Christen nudges her as they pull into their parking spot under an overhang in her complex. Slowly Tobin wakes up, dragging herself inside the building and up to her condo. She waves at her security man who just gives a small sigh, “Can’t win them all Heath. Next game, bring it home.”
Christen’s arm is around her waist the entire elevator ride. “I’m sorry it was a bad game. But there’s always tomorrow. Isn’t that what you taught me? Do it, fail, and then do one more.”
The brunette closes her eyes, leaning her head against the side of the wall. Of course Christen had to see the positive in all of this. It was one of Christen’s most endearing traits if Tobin had to be honest.
“It just hurts. I could feel everything there, but then it all fell apart. I wasn’t connecting--hell I lost possession a lot…” Tobin replied slowly. She opens her eyes to see Christen’s worried face, and feels her soft hand squeeze her side affirmingly. Christen hums quietly, pressing her lips to Tobin’s jaw.
“You did the best you could baby, the best you could.”
Tobin turns to Christen as she takes off her slides, kicking them into a pile by the door—much to Christen’s dismay. She nods slowly, rubbing at her sleepy brown eyes under her frames. Christen lights a lavender candle, turning down the lights and shedding her own sweatshirt and jeans she had worn for the game. She dons one of Tobin’s old Thorns shirts, the hem hanging just over her shapely hips and cozy cotton blue hipsters. “Come to bed Tobin.” Christen cooes, reaching her hand out to the midfielder.
Tobin stands in the doorway, taking a deep breath of the candle. Her anger had subsided, her tears were properly at bay now. Christen walks over to her, cupping her jaw with a warm hand. “I love you,” Tobin mumbled as they kissed gently. Her fingers trail across Christen’s heated hips, sighing out as the dark haired woman tugged off her joggers. She’s soon clad in just her sports bra and black boyshorts.
“Love you too,” Christen replied, sucking on Tobin’s lower lip slightly as she pulled back. Tobin took a deep breath and crawled straight into bed as the exhaustion of the day caught up with her. Glasses placed haphazardly on the bedside table, freshly washed hair across the pillow, and Christen gladly took her place next to the brunette in her bed. It was as if Christen knew what Tobin needed, not even asking before she scooped her up in her arms. She nuzzles the heated skin of Tobin’s neck, her fingers tracing patterns on the tired girl’s skin. Tobin just breathes out slowly, her heart rate dropping at the gentle motions. She arches back into Christen, just enough to wiggle against her front and feel the warmth of the younger girl against her body to lull her into sleep.
Winning meant nothing if she didn’t have the reward of a gorgeous woman she loved in bed with her.
Nightmares
It’s not a common occurrence at all. At least Tobin wouldn’t say it is.
Christen might say that she’s heard more than a few mumbles from those pouting lips in her sleep.
She’ll blame it on the altitude sickness in Salt Lake City, saying it was messing with her head. Maybe that was true to a point. But really Tobin didn’t want to admit that she had a bad dream.
She’s stubborn like that.
“Hmm?” Christen grumbles the first time she hears the whimpering. She can feel the sheets in her bed moving, and her arm reaches out, touching a shivering body. Tobin .
The brunette had flown into SLC only a few hours ago after a midday Thorns game. She had a bye week for the next almost two weeks, and all of Christen’s games were at home—so she decided to fly to her. They couldn’t stand being apart for so long while being so near.
Christen had picked Tobin up from the airport to see that the turbulence made her a bit paler than usual, not knowing she had nightmares on the flight as well. Stressed over being in Christen’s “home” territory for once, over her team, and life in general.
She had just returned from recovery for her ankle surgery, and getting back into form with two teams almost two full years ahead of her in terms of tactic and skill was difficult to say the least. Scared she’ll never live up to the expectations set from her last healthy year in 2016 with player of the year award.
Christen squints in the darkness of her room, seeing 5:15 AM glaring at her from her digital clock on the side of her bed. The sound of a cry comes again.
“No...don’t...not...Chris. Stop!” Tobin’s mumbling in her sleep, flinching in a panic. Her body is curled into a ball, her covers pushed halfway onto the floor as she worked up a sweat rocking back and forth. Christen sits up, rubbing at her eyes as she tries to assess what’s happening.
“Tobes?” She croaks out sleepily, putting her hand on the jerking woman next to her. Tobin whimpers, talking in gibberish this time. Christen settles back down into the sheets, hooking her leg over Tobin’s trembling thighs, her arms around her lanky body tightly. The brunette’s shaking slows to a halt. Her chest is still racing but she’s not actively dreaming anymore. Christen kisses the sweaty back of Tobin’s neck, letting her know it’s her. She mumbles, squinting her brown eyes in the darkness as she wakes up to Christen holding her. Her cheeks flush. Of course , Christen was spooning her.
“Chris--I can’t breathe.” Tobin says, shifting slightly with a tease. She could breathe fine. But she had a nightmare and woke up disoriented and her girlfriend holding her so tightly she might as well have not been breathing. Christen lets go, moving back as Tobin rolls over to face her. She drapes the sheets over her body gently, kissing her forehead.
“You had a bad dream, so I was holding you,” Christen says, peppering kisses across Tobin’s flushed cheek. She tucks a strand of wild wavy brown hair behind Tobin’s ear, staring down into her wet amber eyes.
“ Shit . Um-- I--” Tobin mumbles in embarrassment, her hand fisting the soft fabric of Christen’s worn out tee. Tears leaked down the side of her cheek, wetting the fabric lightly.
“Tobes, it’s …not a bad thing. It happened. I just want to make sure you’re okay, what’s going on?” She asks, humming softly at the scared woman.
Tobin sighs out at the question, staring up at the ceiling. She counts the grooves in the paint for a few minutes before her raspy voice fills the room.
“I had a nightmare that you were taken from me. It’s stupid. I don’t know why I had it. It’s this freakin’ altitude, making me sick--” Christen cuts off her rambling with a warm kiss, her tongue sliding over Tobin’s pouting lower lip and her arms wrapping around the woman next to her.
“I think that you love me. And you don’t want to lose me. And we’re here...in Utah...after a really hard year. It’s okay to be scared, Tobin.” She assures her with another kiss, then rolls over on her side. Tobin’s body moves as if it's muscle memory, her hips wiggling back against Christen’s front and her neck waiting for Christen’s warm breath to tickle the baby hairs there.
She was right. It had been a hard year. With Christen spending half of it in Sweden and the rest just moving to Utah. Tobin will never forget the pain of sleeping alone in Portland after the weeks together. She had woken up so many times throughout the first few nights feeling cold and empty. The little dip in Christen’s side of the bed wasn’t there anymore. No quiet moments of reading before bed, cuddling until they passed out. Chicago was far enough, she liked visiting the city—she loved seeing Christen’s love of it. But what she could not stand was the distance of Sweden. The ocean, forever her friend had become an enemy.
“I love you Chris. I love you so much.” She breathes out, taking a moment to focus on the feeling of Christen curled around her. Her arms held her torso tightly, while her legs were around her hip. Christen kisses the nape of Tobin’s neck, breathing in her scent as she settles down back into sleep.
The altitude did something, Tobin always insists. Each visit to Utah when she indefinitely becomes the little spoon.
Change
“Hey, we’re doing cards down in my room tonight if you wanna come. Sonny snagged some granola and chip bags from the vending machines, we promise it’ll be a lowkey night.” Lindsey said as she caught up with Tobin in the hall on the way back from dinner in their hotel at camp. Tobin turned on her heels to face the blonde, her eyes crinkling as she smiled sadly.
“Sorry Linds, I’m gonna spend the night with Chris. Mal’s out for the night and so is Ali so we might be able to get some time alone--” Tobin raised her hands at Lindsey’s pinking cheeks. “Not like that! I just mean you know! A quiet night together! Okay!”
“Damn Toby, I don’t care what you two do. Just have a good time. I’ll see you at breakfast.” Lindsey laughed as she headed back towards her room for card games (and a discussion about Tobin’s flaming cheeks and stuttering).
The brunette made her way back down towards the elevators, checking her phone for the time as she waited. Christen had left dinner early, being called by her father during the meal. She tried to tell him she’d call him back but he kept pressing and eventually the tan woman headed back to her bedroom for privacy. No text from her, which most likely meant that she was still on the phone. Oh well, Tobin thought, Cody liked to talk her ear off .
The elevator trip up to the sectioned off 6th floor was quick. Tobin turned around the corner to room 613, knocking her knuckles on the door softly.
“Chris?” The forward ventured out quietly, trying to keep her voice down in case any teammates retired early. “Hey, it’s me. I didn’t steal Ali’s key, so I’m out here.”
No response.
Tobin knocked a little harder this time, knowing that the woman might be on the balcony and couldn’t hear her.
“Christen?” She called out louder, cut off by the heavy door opening to reveal the worst sight Tobin Heath had ever seen.
Red rimmed eyes. Her cellphone against her ear. Tangled curls that only got more kinks as Christen raked her hands through them. Flushed skin. Snot dripping.
She was a mess.
Something was wrong.
Tobin stepped inside, closing the door behind her and reaching out for Christen’s empty hand.
“Dad...no...it’s Tobin. Yea...I should--can Tyler send...get her one too...she’ll--no? Dad...okay.” Christen stuttered through her words as she responded to her father, moving to sit on the bed. Tobin followed, confused. She sat beside her, hand on her thigh just for reassurance. “I love you too. See you soon. Goodnight...tell her I love her even if she won’t--I just need her to know. Thanks dad.”
Christen set her phone down on the sheets as if she had been burned, the tears pouring down her face. Tobin rubbed the back of her palm with a thumb, trying to calm the distraught woman.
“Chris what’s going on?” Tobin asked nervously, trying to look into Christen’s dark grey eyes. The younger woman turned her head away, choking as she spoke.
“Um. It got worse. She had another stroke. I--I need to go home Tobin.” is all Christen can get out before she feels like her heart is about to physically break out of her chest. The aching sobs won’t stop and Tobin has to hold her tight as they roll through her. Her own eyes got misty as she processed what Christen said. Stacy .
“Babe, I’m--sorry. I’m really sorry. We need to tell Jill, yeah? She knew this could happen. I prayed for her, and I’ll do it again.” Tobin kissed Christen’s forehead, pulling her up. She walks with her out of the room, an arm low around her waist so she could rest her forehead on Tobin’s shoulder. The tears kept flowing.
Jill’s bedroom is at the opposite end of the hall, the last door on the left. Tobin knocks hesitantly, knowing that it would be an awkward situation.
“Oh hello Toby Tobes, Pressy--what’s going on?” Jill answered chipperly, her face falling as she saw Christen’s tears. “Come on in,”
Tobin walks them inside, letting Jill close the door before she speaks. It’s tense. Tobin’s feeling like she’s in trouble, which she isn’t, but Jill always made her feel that way. It was like a principal’s office.
“Christen just well— she got a call from her dad, and um…” Tobin starts to sweat, not knowing how to phrase this issue. She wants to be as professional as she can but also not reveal all of Christen’s private life. Christen speaks up, her voice low and gravely.
“My mom had another stroke today. She’s on life support. We need to go home. Tonight. I have to get out of here.” She grits out, trying to stop the flow of her tears. They played Spain last night. Today was supposed to be rest and recovery before they train for the next game against Japan. They had roughly a week and a half.
“Both of you need to go?” Jill asks, her eyes looking back and forth at Tobin and Christen’s anxious faces. She gets up from the desk, nodding and scribbling down the names on a post-it note. “Buy your tickets and send the receipt to me. We’ll reimburse and if the federation won’t, it’ll come from my bank account. Worry about getting there first and then we’ll talk about when to return. Don’t worry about us, worry about your mother.”
Jill takes a moment to raise her eyes and actually look at the two women in front of her. Christen’s body seemed to be vibrating on the edge of crying, and Tobin kept fidgeting with her hands. They were utterly broken, and she could feel it. Christen’s brain had already considered the worst was coming. Jill had known of their relationship for at least a year now, once it became serious the two women let her know of their domestic partnership. She’ll never forget the day Tobin came into her office blushing harder than she’d ever seen with Christen holding her hand— or the unfortunate day where Christen informed her of her mother’s cancer.
“We’ll miss you guys. See you soon,”
Tobin and Christen walked back to their room in silence, Christen trying to hold herself together just long enough to get inside the room—
When a door opens down the hall. A pink head of hair pokes out, yawning. “Thought I heard you two up. You crazy kids up at the asscrack of dawn on a recovery day—wait Chris?” Pinoe’s teasing immediately haltes as she watches Christen’s tears break. She stepped out of the room and into the hall, hugging Christen as she takes shaky breaths.
“Hey now, whatever it is I promise it’ll pass Pressy, I promise.” Megan reassures her gently, her hand trailing up and down Christen’s back. Tobin watches the exchange, feeling slightly out of place as Megan comforted her girlfriend. She steps closer, her hand on Megan’s shoulders.
“Let’s head in to calm down,” Tobin gestured to Megan’s room, trying to get them out of the hallway and into where Christen could feel less exposed. “Is Ash asleep?”
“Was snoring a few minutes ago it’s Ash, don’t worry,” Megan responded with a smirk, helping lead Christen into the room. Ashlyn was, as promised, sprawled out on her stomach in a tank and shorts snoring away.
“What’s going on up there Pressy? Come on,” Megan asked again as she helped the sobbing woman sit on her bed. Tobin flipped on the small hotel bedside lamp, sitting beside Christen on the bed with her head in her hands. This hurt. It hurt a lot. Watching Christen’s body shaking as she tries not to whimper from the flood of emotions coursing through her. “Tobes what did you--”
“I did nothing!” Tobin snapped quickly, standing up on her feet and getting into Megan’s face. “You think I would be here right now if I did this to her? Shit. Megan, come on!”
The blonde rose a brow, backing up with her hands up. “Whoa. Tobin I’m sorry. Walk me through this then. Christen, you wanna talk?”
Christen looked up at the two of them with bloodshot green eyes and puffy cheeks from sobbing, shaking her head. She couldn’t bear to speak it again. It was too much. Tobin places her hand on Christen’s shaking shoulder, gently rubbing her thumb against the tiny bit of skin revealed by her top.
“We just left Jill’s room, we’re flying to LA tomorrow so we can see Chris’s mom. She had another stroke.” Tobin revealed quietly, seeing Megan’s face change quickly. The humour, the lightheartedness that the older woman had wanted to use to make Christen at least smile flew out the door. Her brown eyes were expressive and welling with tears.
“I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have--”
“You didn’t know P.” Christen mumbles as she rubs at her cheeks. Megan opens her arms for a hug, and Christen nods to let her in. All three of them embrace gently as Ashlyn rolls over and lets out a loud snore.
“Alright y’all have to get out. Go sleep, if you can. That’s gonna be a bitch of a flight back to LA from Spain.” Megan hand signals for the two women to leave, handing Christen a few tissues on her way out. “I love you two. Tobes, keep me updated. Chris, you just focus on your mom. We got it handled here. You take all the time you need. We’ll be thinking of her.” She says with a hand on her heart.
“Love ya Pinoe.” Tobin replies as she wraps her arm around Christen’s side, walking her out. They head down the hallway together in silence, Christen sniffling every once in a while until they reach their door. Christen fumbles with the keycard until it opens, and goes to the bathroom to wipe at her face. Tobin shuts the door behind herself, and follows Christen to their bathroom. She takes the washcloth from her hands, gently making sure the tap is warm before wetting the rag.
“Uh uh, let me Chris,” Tobin sighs out, holding Christen’s jaw softly with her right hand while her left rubbed at her skin. She traced over her eyelids lightly, then her nose and rinsed the cloth. The act was calming, letting Christen take deep breaths in and feel the salt cleaned off her cheeks.
“Sor--”
“Don’t you dare apologize to me right now Christen. Taking care of you isn’t a burden, especially not right now.” Tobin says firmly at Christen’s attempt to apologize for her crying. The younger woman’s eyes get glossy and she sniffles again, making Tobin set down the washrag. She wraps her arms around Christen, holding her against her chest. “P was right. Flying’s gonna be a bitch. Just got the text from Channing with the ticket information, we’ll send the receipt to Jill in the morning. We should try to sleep.”
“I’m scared Toby ,” Christen mumbles against Tobin’s chest in the dim light of the hotel bathroom and Tobin’s heart drops. Toby was not a nickname she was fond of, not in the slightest. The only person allowed to get away with it was her mother--Cindy had rights to call her whatever she wanted as far as she was concerned truly. And Christen said it only in times of distress. Last time she said it was during her mother’s first stroke, and the recovery from that which was difficult. She couldn’t speak, even to this day.
“I’m here, I’m here Chris. I love you,” Tobin runs her fingers through Christen’s curls and walks her back to her bed. Tobin changes into an oversized tee quickly, helping Christen change into one as well before turning the lights off. “I’m here.” Tobin repeated, crawling into her bed and laying on her side. Christen’s tears had started again, trailing down her cheeks onto the pillowcase.
“What if she’s gone by the time we arrive?”
Tobin’s heart breaks each time Christen speaks, knowing the woman’s mind is circling all of the possibilities of what could happen, but never being able to control it. She could see the anxiety radiating off of Christen in waves. There was no way she was sleeping tonight.
“We handle that when we get there, Christen. She loves you. She always has loved you. You know that.” Tobin responded, her arm resting around Christen’s waist as she tucked her head into Tobin’s chest. The brunette ran her fingers through Christen’s curls, massaging her scalp to lull her to sleep. Christen took deep breaths, her ear pressed up against Tobin’s chest so closely she could hear and feel her heartbeat.
“You know she thought you were the one?”
Tobin pauses her hand, eyes growing wide. She looked down at Christen for confirmation that she heard correctly. “When did she tell you that?”
“Remember when you would try to sneak away at night to kick around when you were supposed to be healing your ankle? That night I caught you and we fell asleep on the couch? She—she found us the next morning with your head on my chest. That morning she told me over coffee while you snored—”
“I don’t snore.” Tobin argued, hearing Christen laugh for the first time in hours.
“Yes you do...yes you do.” Christen said between her chuckles, kissing Tobin’s sternum softly. “You snore, and you’re my little spoon and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Tobin rolled her eyes playfully, tucking hair behind Christen’s ear before she sighed and kissed her forehead.
“I’m your big spoon whenever you need me to be.”