Chapter Text
Connor McKinley was happy.
Not just content, not just going with he flow, but actually joyful. He woke up in the morning with purpose and fell asleep at night knowing he’d worked hard and contributed to helping those in need.
And most importantly, he was in love.
It was a strange feeling for McKinley. He’d never been in love before. Not like this. Not with a man who made his heart thump just by entering the room. Not with someone whose smile could make him forget what he was thinking. Not with Kevin Price, who could hold McKinley tight in his arms and make him feel like he was home.
It wasn’t all happy times, of course. He was still in Africa, three months away from the end of their two year mission. And while there had been a lot of things to celebrate over that time, some things hadn’t gone completely to plan. Elders Schrader and Michaels had left soon after their break from the Mormon church. Their devotion to their faith and the pressure from their families had been too much to ignore. Some of the villages they had visited over the course of their mission had refused to accept the teaching. Some of the villages had violently rejected them and Davis would always carry the scars on his arm. Poptarts and Church had both had such bad cases of Malaria, McKinley had been honestly afraid they were going to die.
And then there was McKinley’s personal issues, which involved his parents disowning him and his siblings deciding they never wanted to speak to him again. It was, he reflected, probably the worst thing that had happened to him while he was in Africa. But it wasn’t without its compensations. When the panic attacks had set in, and the bad dreams had left him to pace the living quarters at 2am, Kevin Price had been there. At first he just listened. And then as McKinley opened up about his troubles, Price started to speak to him in quiet tones about his experience with the General. It was hard not to fall in love with a boy that trusted you with the darkest secrets in his heart. Price would speak until his words were choked off by his sobs, and then he’d beg McKinley not to tell the others. He was so ashamed of his behaviour, so embarrassed by his nativity that McKinley could only hold him tighter and tell him it was going to be okay.
He remembered the first time they kissed very vividly. It had been about six months since Price and Cunningham had arrived and they’d been falling asleep on the couch, McKinley’s head resting on Price’s lap. Price had been idly stroking his hair. That small intimacy was usual between them – they were often leaning against each other, grabbing each other to share a private joke. Their physical contact was warm and friendly and natural. As McKinley was drifting off to sleep, Price had laid a gentle kiss against his forehead. That was new. McKinley had opened his eyes to Price looming over him. And then the other boy had very gently, very slowly leaned reached down again and kissed him on the lips. They hadn’t spoken that night. Not a word between them, just the breathy grunts and whimpers of acceptance and encouragement. But the next day McKinley had moved into Price’s room (Cunningham having moved in with Nabalungi months before) and their relationship had been on show for the world to see. The other boys who shared their dwelling had had different reactions, varying from shock and confusion to downright glee, but it didn’t take long for it to just be another accepted fact of living in Africa.
~~
Price had been gone for three weeks now. The boys did rotational tours through the villages they had already brought across to their faith, sometimes being away for months at a time, depending on the needs of the population. They helped where they could, giving western advice in relation to farming, clean water and – embarrassingly at first – sex education. McKinley missed him like a hole had been opened up in his chest. It wasn’t so bad during the day, as he kept busy in and around the village, but at night when he lay on the thin, hard cot by himself, with no warmth beside him, all he could focus on was how much he wanted Price by his side.
When the bus pulled up a few days later, McKinley sprinted from where he helping fix a broken pipe, dodging foot traffic and muddy puddles as he did. As he rounded the corner, Price had already disembarked, rearranging his backpack more securely on his shoulders. McKinley barely checked his pace, slamming into Price at speed, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man. Price caught him solidly against his chest, his strong arms locking them tightly together. McKinley couldn’t wipe the grin from his face as he pulled away, holding the other’s face in his hands.
“Now there is a sight for sore eyes.”
Price chuckled, and kissed McKinley soundly before pulling him into another hug. McKinley closed his eyes and dropped his forehead against Price’s shoulder and allowed himself finally to let go of the anxiety that always accompanied him when Price went away. There were a lot of things that could happen to a small group of missionaries in rural Uganda.
A polite cough behind McKinley pulled them apart, McKinley still with a sheepish grin on his face. Without thought, his hand reached out to find Price’s, and they stood there as Mafala smiled at them, “Ah, welcome home Elder Price. How was your mission?”
“Good, good.” They started walking back towards the village, “The Achwa river broke its banks near Awere, but we helped with some sandbagging and it seems to be receding. Provided we don’t get anymore rain. What about here?”
“Ah yes, the rain.” Mafala made a gesture towards the sky, “Either it never rains, or it rains too much. Some local flooding, nothing we couldn’t handle.”
“There’s been a mosquito outbreak.” McKinley added, “because of all the standing water. It’s not been fun.”
They reached the dwelling the boys still called home, and Mafala bid them farewell. The other boys were already there, come for the welcome home. Zelder, Neeley and Church had accompanied Price, plus a few of the Kitguli residents. They were all in the living area, their voices raised in excited chatter as they exchanged stories.
“Shall we go somewhere quieter?” Price whispered in his ear.
Goosebumps ran down McKinley’s arms at Price’s voice, but he squeezed his hand in apology, “I wish we could. But everywhere is either wet or occupied.” He smirked, “I already checked.”
Price lent over and kissed his lips gently, “Later then.” It wasn’t a question.
McKinley touched the side of his face, because he could never get enough of touching him, “Definitely later.”
~~
Early the next morning, McKinley rested his head in the crook of Price’s arm. They were both awake but still in that pre-dawn snooze where they could just both relax in each others arms and be still and cuddly. But McKinley never liked to be idle for long.
“We need to talk about the end of our mission.” His fingers trailed lazily over Price’s chest, “I was talking with the others and we agreed we’d need to go into Kampala soon to book our flights home. Have you had any thoughts about what you’d like to do when we’re done?”
Kevin yawned, his chest rising against McKinley’s fingers, “Not really.” He murmured, his own fingers brushing the soft ginger hair behind McKinley’s ear, “Before everything happened I thought I’d go to college....” he smiled a little self-consciously, “I’d like to teach. What about you?”
McKinley’s fingers stilled against Price, “I was going to go into business with my dad. I’d already started a degree when I deferred to come here... But I guess that is out of the picture.” Price’s hand dropped to his shoulder, and squeezed him tightly in comfort, “So I don’t really know anymore. I like to sing though… Maybe when you find out where you want to go to college, I can organise some singing and dance lessons? Maybe start up in musical theatre?”
Price’s hand had returned to stroking his hair, but they stopped at McKinley’s words, “With me?”
“Of course.” McKinley slid off Price’s chest, and lay on his side with his head resting in his hand, “...I just assumed we’d go back to America together.”
“Oh yeah. Of course.” Price reassured him quickly, but he was staring up at the roof, “I just hadn’t thought about it. It makes sense. It’s a good idea.”
McKinley frowned. Price’s assurances were filling him with a small pit of dread, “Kevin? Is everything okay?”
Price glanced over at him, one of his patent Mormon smiles plastered on his face, “Oh yeah. Everything is going to be great.”
The only problem was, McKinley knew just how fake that smile was.
~~
McKinley spent most of the day with Price and Mafala, making sure the rest of the piping was sound, and trying to shore up any future flooding issues. Price was oddly quiet, working diligently, but clearly a thousand miles away in thought. McKinley left him to his musing. He’d learnt that Price wouldn’t open up about what was bothering him until he’d completely thought the problem through.
They were taking a break just after lunch, relaxing in the tiny sliver of shade provided by the sparse trees when Price spoke up, “So...uh, I was thinking I would stay a little longer... My visa isn’t up for another three months after yours. Maybe you can head to the States without me, and I’ll catch you up.”
McKinley didn’t answer right away, that small pit of dread from earlier lodging itself firmly into his throat, “You want to spend 18 hours on two flights all by yourself? Not to mention the bus ride to Entebbe.” McKinley decided not to also point out it would mean three months apart, “Why?”
Price shrugged, and seemed to find the peeling bark of the tree he was leaning against endlessly fascinating, “There is plenty of work I can still do here... and it will be our last opportunity you know? I just don’t want to leave early if I don’t have to.”
“Okay.” McKinley was trying very hard not to take Price’s words personally, “And where should I go to wait for you? It’s not exactly like I can go home. I kinda assumed we’d stay with your parents until we got on our feet.”
“My parents?” Price looked at McKinley sharply, then just as quickly looked away.
“Yeah. Do you think that’d be okay? They’re still okay with everything that happened right? I’ve seen you writing them letters.”
“Oh yeah.” Price nodded distractedly, returning to his investigation of the tree bark, “Yeah, they understand. I mean... they were a bit confused, and I don’t think they really understand I’ve left the Mormon faith completely… but...” Price paused, and McKinley could see some kind of inner debate go on through his head, “Listen Connor… I have a confession.”
McKinley’s eyebrows raised in mock confusion, “I think you’ve got the wrong faith buddy. We’re not Catholics.”
“Ha ha.” Price responded dryly. His face was set in a sort of agonised worry – clearly he was dreading whatever it was he had to say, “It’s just that…Well…. I haven’t told my parents. About you. I mean, about us. Being together.”
“Oh.” It was a small word, but behind it came a flood of emotion. McKinley felt like a void was opening up in the centre of his chest and it was sucking all of his emotions into it. Instead of leaving him numb, however, it elevated his heartrate and made his head spin, “What does that mean?”
“I don’t know.” Price looked at McKinley intently, “Connor, I love you, and I want to be with you, but my family is really devout. I mean, really devout. And they’ve been so good so far with this whole mess... I’m just worried that adding being in a gay relationship on top of everything is going to break them.”
“I see.” McKinley’s head was swimming with a thousand thoughts, but his voice found the question he needed to ask, “What were you going to do? If you’d gone to them without me and they didn’t accept you. Were you just going to forget about me and conform to stay with them?”
Price hesitated, and McKinley spun on his heel to escape the sheer weight of what his imagination assumed the silence stood for. “Oh Kevin.”
“Connor. I just don’t know how they’d take it –"
“So what am I then? Just a bit of fun? Some amusement to pass the time until you went back to your perfect existence in the United States? Where you could find a nice girl your parents approved of and settle down?”
“Woah, slow down Connor. That isn’t fair. Give me a chance to explain.”
Price had spoken out loud, but McKinley couldn’t hear him over the roaring in his ears. His mind had gone into overdrive and his father – that voice in his ear that told him he was never good enough – was laughing at him. ‘I told you no one would ever love you for who you were.’ He ran his hands through his hair and suddenly Price grabbed him from behind, spinning him around so they were face to face.
“Connor. Listen to me. You are blowing this out of proportion. My parent’s are good people. They just need time.”
“How much time?” McKinley took a step back, because even now being so close to Price was distracting, “What is the timeframe on good, devout Mormon’s being okay with their gay son? Tell me Kevin, because I’m still waiting for mine to get the memo.” He heard the bitterness in his voice, and he didn’t want his father to be right, “I have lost everything since I came out here. My one consolation prize was you, Kevin Price. Someone I thought actually loved me.”
“I do love you.”
“Then be proud of me!” Connor wasn’t actually shouting, because he didn’t know how to argue that way, but his voice was earnest and sharp, “Who cares what your family thinks? Be with me, Kevin. Just you and me against the world. Nothing else matters.”
Price was quiet again, but this time McKinley saw the indecision on his face, the questions. He was breathing heavily and he realised he was crying. Tears streaked down his dirty face and he angrily wiped them away.
“I can’t do that Connor. My parents mean everything to me.”
McKinley pressed his lips tightly together, “More than me.”
The silence stretched between them, like a void opening up between their relationship. McKinley swallowed hard, and he felt sick in his stomach, “I have one more thing to say Kevin. Because I think it’s really important. You’re gay. Nothing you can say or do can change that. And your choice is to accept that, embrace that part of yourself no matter what anyone else may say. Or to forget about me, about us, and go back to ‘being straight’ and live a lie for the rest of your life. And I can tell you now, unequivocally, that it is the worst thing in the entire world to endure. Even worse than having the love of your life rip your heart out and show it to you.” McKinley didn’t wait for a response, turning to head back up to the village. Price called out to him, but he didn’t stop, doggedly heading towards the mission hut, trying to get as much distance from that conversation and himself as he possibly could.
Their dwelling was empty, except for Poptarts, who was immobile after spraining his ankle during the welcome home party last night. That happy time seemed like a thousand years ago to McKinley. He couldn’t believe it was just this morning that he’d been lying in Kevin’s arms while he daydreamed about their future together.
“Are you okay?” Poptarts brought him out of his reverie, and he looked tearfilled eyes towards the other man.
“No. I’m not. Can I bunk back with you for a bit, please? Kevin and I... we need some space.”
“Of course.” Poptarts eyebrows knitted in concern, “Is there anything I can do?”
“No.” McKinley shook his head tiredly, “I’ll just go get my stuff.”
McKinley made sure he was in bed before the rest of the missionaries made it back to the hut. He realised he couldn’t avoid Price for the rest of their time in Uganda, but just for today, he wasn’t ready to face any of it. Especially not the concerned and well meaning pity on the faces of the other boys. McKinley and Price had never tried to hide their relationship. In fact, McKinley reflected bitterly, they had probably annoyed and grossed out the others by being overly affectionate in public. As a result, their fight? Their Breakup? Whatever it was that had just happened between McKinley and Price would be known by the entire village in a matter of hours.
He didn’t sleep. At first it was because he couldn’t still the thoughts racing in his brain, but as the night lengthened and the voices of the villagers faded into the normal night time sounds of Uganda, he realised was afraid that the nightmares might come back. He hadn’t had one since he’d started sleeping with Kevin, and even though they’d spent time apart, knowing he wasn’t alone had filled him with enough peace to sleep soundly. But now he had no one. At this end of this mission, he had nothing. No lover. No family. No job prospects and nowhere to live.
The panic over his future prospects, and the anger at himself washed over him in waves. How could he have thought something as perfect as his relationship with Price could last? He felt like such an idiot. A naive little boy with his first crush, thinking it was forever. Of course Price wouldn’t want him when this was all said and done. Price had everything going for him, the family, college – probably even still the church if he wanted it. McKinley wondered if Price’s foray into homosexuality had just been an experiment. A curiosity resolved, an itched scratched. But his rational mind, no matter how angry at Price, wouldn’t believe that. Couldn’t believe what they had was nothing.
But after so long of denying himself, McKinley refused to go back to a world where he was ashamed. And he knew in his heart that he didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t embrace who they were together. He’d given up too much, sacrificed his entire life - first by pretending not to be gay, and then by coming out – that he needed someone who had the balls to stand up to the world with him. Someone who could say ‘fuck you’ to anyone who decided there was something wrong with them, just for being who they were.
As the dawn crested the horizon, and McKinley resolutely wiped away the last of his tears. He knew he was going to have to man up quickly if he was going to get through the next few months. He’d been a fool to put all of his trust into another person, to pin his prospects on one outcome. He had to stand on his own two feet and figure out what he was going to do with the rest of his life.
However, just that first morning he wasn’t ready to face the rest of the village. He lay in bed until Poptarts had left, then waited until the morning sounds of six boys getting ready for their day ended. Then he got up and stood at the closed door intently for a moment, listening, but everything was quiet. He opened the door and walked out, and then sighed a little too dramatically at the sight of Price sitting on one of the couches.
“I don’t really want to talk.” McKinley told him shortly, heading towards the kitchen.
“Well that’s too bad.” Price got up and followed him, “I need a chance to explain myself.”
McKinley continued to fix his breakfast of cereal. He didn’t actually give consent, but Price took his silence as permission.
“Listen. We’re very different people. Being gay is apart of you. But it doesn’t define me. And I’m not brave enough to tell my family and risk losing them over it. They are everything to me. I love you more than I thought it possible to love anyone else, but the fact is Connor, I can’t do what you did. You have to accept that if we’re going to be together. You have to accept that I am a coward, and that I didn’t know I was gay until I met you and knew I needed to be with you. I don’t know what it means for me back in the ‘real world’. How we will work. I haven’t thought that far ahead. But I’m asking you Connor. I’m asking you to wait for me. To bear with me. To let me come out in my own time.”
McKinley stilled his working hands, staring down at the milk that was soaking into his oats, “I can’t do that Kevin.” He spoke quietly, but then looked at Price in the eyes, his face hard, “I won’t be ashamed of who I am. And I won’t be with someone who is ashamed of me.”
“It isn’t shame, Connor.” Price’s face was drawn and tired, and McKinley was sure he hadn’t slept either.
“No. It’s fear.” McKinley picked up his spoon and decided that stirring his cereal was the most important thing he needed to focus on. He was pretty sure if he looked at Price anymore, he might shatter under his grief, “It’s alright. I get it. I hope your parents end up being decent human beings, whenever you decide to trust them. I hear that’s nice.” He didn’t look up, because it was hard enough to break up with someone without knowing their heart was breaking as well.
“I don’t want this.”
“This is your decision.” McKinley told him firmly, then swallowed back a sob that was threatening to choke him, “I can’t do this right now.” he took a deep breath, trying to find the will to not just crumple into a ball and cry and beg Price to forgive him. To ask to be taken back. To pretend like he didn’t care that Price couldn’t commit, just so he could be cuddled and kissed and could just feel calm again.
“I’m sorry.” Price’s voice was breaking, and McKinley still couldn’t look up at him. Couldn’t stand to see the tears on his face. Couldn’t risk giving in.
“Go away.” McKinley turned his back on Price, to hide his own traitorous tears, “Please Kevin.” He gritted his teeth and breathed heavily through his nose. He would not let his emotions overtake him while Price was standing there, “I understand everything. We just need different things. And right now I need to be alone.”
Price seemed to hesitate. McKinley couldn’t see him, but he didn’t hear him leave for a long drawn out moment. But eventually he did, and McKinley sunk to the floor, drawing his knees up to his chest and sobbed.