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Mr. Secretary,
I write to you with a heavy heart, hoping this letter finds you in good health, regardless of its contents. I have to inform you that your dear wife passed today. There seems to have been a break in and there was nothing to be done for her, but the doctor assured me that her passing was quick and painless. Arrangements for the funeral are already being made.
The best wishes and my deepest condolences,
Your dear friend Victor Knox
4th of September
Thomas lowers the letter slowly. The 4th of September. That was nearly 3 weeks ago. Three weeks in which he didn´t know that his wife had passed. Three weeks he had lived as if nothing had happened.
“Jefferson, are you coming back or are you planning on continuing this meeting in the entry hall?”
Thomas looks up slowly as he hears the voice, having completely forgotten that he had a guest.
“Are you alright?”, Hamilton asks, taking a few tentative steps towards him.
“I need you to leave.”, Thomas says almost inaudible, not finding the strength to raise his voice.
He feels like he can´t breathe and having Hamilton here only makes it worse. He reaches for the wall for support, and misses, stumbling a bit, but Hamilton is there to catch him. He wraps a strong arm around his back, keeping him upright.
“Thomas, what happened?”, he asks, and the way he says his name, calls him Thomas and not Jefferson, has him finally breaking.
He can´t hold back the sobs anymore, burying his face in Hamilton´s shoulder, and clinging desperately to his jacket. For once, Hamilton shuts up, doesn´t offer any consoling words, just holds him tight and lets him cry, and Thomas is glad for it. His sobs die down after some time, but he holds onto Hamilton for a few moments longer, before he lets go. He shows him the letter without a word and Hamilton´s eyes quickly scan over it. When he meets his eyes again, the expression in them is so earnest and sad, that it almost makes him cry again.
“I am truly sorry. And I know that nothing I say now will make this an easier burden to carry, but just know that I understand your pain on some degree.”
Thomas gives him a short nod, not trusting his voice just yet. He knows that Hamilton has lost his whole family when he was only a child, but the thing that pains him the most is not the loss, but the knowledge that he has spent three weeks living as if nothing had happened, while his wife was being buried. He almost doesn´t notice Hamilton guiding him back to the living room, and when he does, he doesn´t have it in him to care. Hamilton could beat him up right now and he probably wouldn´t even raise his hands to protect himself. Instead, Hamilton has him sit down on the couch and gives him his cup of tea he abandoned when the messenger arrived. When he turns around again, Jefferson´s head snaps up, a sudden panic pulsing through his veins.
“Pease don´t… I, I can´t… please stay.”, he pleads, the thought of being alone terrifying him more than the prospect of being vulnerable in front of the other man.
Hamilton nods slowly, and makes his way back to him.
“Of course, I hadn´t intended to leave.”
After a moment of hesitation, he sits down next to him on the couch.
“I can´t be alone right now.”, Thomas says, looking down at the tea.
“It´s alright, you don´t need to explain yourself.”, Hamilton´s voice is gentle, just like the arm he rests on Jefferson´s back.
For a moment Thomas fights with himself, before he leans against Hamilton, his head resting on his shoulder, as tears once again slip down his cheeks. They stay like this for quite some time, neither of them saying anything, the only noises being Jefferson´s quiet sobs. When it´s getting dark outside, Hamilton carefully moves away from him, and Thomas can feel the panic starting to rise inside him again. The other man seems to sense it, because he lies one of his hands above Jefferson´s and squeezes it gently.
“You need to rest.”
Thomas nods, standing up and taking a few unsteady steps towards the door, before he turns around, taking a deep breath.
“Alexander…”, he starts, not really knowing where he´ll go with this, but he seems to understand him, nonetheless.
“Lead the way, I´ll be right behind you.”
Thomas nods, walking out of the living room and taking the stairs up to his bedroom, Alexander following him, just like he promised. In the bedroom, Thomas hesitates a moment before he starts undressing. Alexander has already seen him at his most vulnerable, there is nothing left to be ashamed of. The younger man follows suit and after they have both stripped to their underwear, Thomas gets into bed, Alexander following without a word. He lets out a shuddering breath, feeling helpless and alone.
“Someday you´re gonna be alright again.”, Alexander mumbles.
He slips his arms around Thomas´ waist, fitting him against his chest. Thomas feels a light kiss being pressed against his shoulder. He should be disgusted, this is wrong, he should throw Hamilton out. He does neither of these things, instead pressing closer to him, grabbing his hand tightly.
“Please don´t leave.”
Another kiss to his shoulder.
“I won´t. You can sleep and I´ll be right here when you wake up again.”
Thomas almost doesn´t care that Hamilton´s reason for doing this is probably to have something against him to get his dept plan through. He is exhausted, physically as well as mentally, but still sleep won´t come. When he is sure that Hamilton must be asleep, he allows himself to sob softly into his pillow, but the arms around him tighten almost immediately. After a moment of hesitation, he turns around in the embrace, pressing his face into Alexander´s chest.
“It hurts so much.”, he whimpers.
“I know. I know.”, Alexander whispers, rubbing his back soothingly. “I wish I could take some of your pain away. You don´t deserve this.”
They stay like this for what feels like hours. Thomas feels small and lost, the only thing grounding him being Alexander.
“Why are you doing this?”, he finally asks, not sure if he even wants to know the answer.
Alexander hesitates, and for a moment, Thomas thinks he won´t answer.
“Because you need this.”, he takes a deep breath. “And because I fear you would hurt yourself in this state.”
“You won´t leave once I´ve fallen asleep?”, Thomas asks, his voice small.
Alexander shakes his head.
“No. I promise. I won´t leave.”
Thomas feels himself relaxing at that. He fights sleep for another few minutes, but finally he allows himself to slip into the land of dreams, feeling safer than he ever has in Alexander´s arms.