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There's something sharp in Touya's chest when he's a child, and it pierces with every move that he makes, and he doesn't know how to make it go away.
It stabs when Father drags him into the gym and beats him within an inch of his life. It twists when Father calls him a failure. It roars when Father hits Mom. It cuts deeper when she and Fuyumi and Natsuo cry.
There's something angry in Touya's chest, and he is afraid.
But once, when Father is dragging him to train and Mom is pleading and Fuyumi and Natsuo are crying and crying and everything is just too much - Touya plants his feet, and starts to argue with Father.
He screams and shouts and Father screams and shouts right back.
Normally, Touya would flinch away, bow his head, and go along with Father.
But - that something in Touya's chest gives a purr of satisfaction and shrinks. And suddenly, Touya can move without it hurting.
So he shouts louder and argues louder and keeps on going until Father backhands him into the wall.
Then, Touya stops. He follows Father into the gym, and the training session that follows almost makes him regret fighting back.
Almost.
But Touya now knows how to make that something in his chest shrink, and when it's too much for him to bear, he fights Father.
And every time, he almost regrets it.
But he never really does.
There's something sharp in Touya's chest, and it lessens every time he fights back.
There's something tight in Touya's chest when Shouto gets his quirk, and it twists whenever he hears Shouto beg and plead and cry for Father to not bring him into the gym. It twists until he can't breathe when Mom does the same thing for Shouto's sake. It twists until he can hear his ribs creak when he sees Fuyumi's guilty relief for Touya and Natsuo's empty eyes at being treated like a stranger in his own home.
There's something righteous and furious in Touya's chest, and if there's one thing Touya learned as a child, it was how to make that something shrink and grow ever so smaller.
So he tells Shouto to hide and tells Fuyumi and Natsuo not to listen and tells Mom to rest, and he fights Father. He fights and screams and shouts and yells and Father screams louder and they scream and scream until the screams turn into the angry crackling of flames.
Bright blue and red dance in the gym, burning the flooring and singing the equipment, until the angry crackling of flames melts back into screaming - but this time, it's only Touya who's screaming.
Father strides out, and Mom strides in with a medicine box. Fuyumi and Natsuo follow after, and with them is Shouto.
He feels guilty about it, but he is so, so glad that they didn't listen to him.
Three weeks later, Touya realizes that his burns aren't going to disappear like the ones before did - no, these ones are going to scar. Angry purple and red in wide patches, a reminder of how much it had hurt to stand in flames and burn.
He wonders if regretting stepping in makes him a bad person.
There's something angry in Touya's chest, and it twists and it grows.
There's something dark in Touya's chest, and he hates it.
He hates it because that something is what makes him hate himself and hate Shouto and Mom and Fuyumi and Natsuo.
It's not their fault. They're scared of Father - who wouldn't be?
But he hates that he's the one who steps in, and he hates that he's the one who pays the price, and he hates that he cares enough about what Father says to hate himself when Father calls him a failure.
There's something black and and writhing in Touya's chest, and he's scared of what it'll make him do.
Touya wants that something gone, so he screams at Father louder and he screams more often.
He screams and screams and tries his hardest to get rid of that angry ball of hate in his chest by screaming louder.
Touya feels numb when fire breaks out once again, and he is left on the gym floor, every movement agony.
The size of the new burn scars match the volume of his screams.
But - that ball of black shrunk, and it shrunk further when Mom, Fuyumi, Natsuo, and Shouto hugged him and said thank you.
For once, Touya feels like he can breathe.
There's something that almost feels happy in Touya's chest, and it's there because Touya has never felt more loved.
There's something ugly in Touya's chest the first time Mom flinches when she sees him. She recovers quickly, passes it off as him surprising her - but Touya knows she's lying.
He knows what he looks like. He knows what Father looks like.
He knows their hair is the same angry, flaming red and he knows that their eyes are the same bright turquoise and he knows that those features are what haunts Mom's waking moments.
He knows, and he hopes that he doesn't lose Mom because of Father too.
But then the flinches start to happen more often and more prominently, and Mom starts to avoid him.
Fuyumi tries to tell him it's okay and he knows that Fuyumi told Natsuo to hug him more often to make him feel better - but -
It hurts.
It's irrational because he knows that logically, it makes sense but it hurts so much to think that he's like the living nightmare that is his father.
There's something in his chest that breaks when Mom has a crying fit when Touya startles her.
There's something in his chest that crumbles and shatters when Mom's voice rises to a shriek as she pleads, "Please, Enji, please, I didn't mean it, please - don't hurt me!" as he tries to reach out to her to tell her that it's alright.
He leaves the room, and it hurts when Fuyumi can calm Mom down when he couldn't.
It makes him want to cry when Mom can't meet his eyes as she rushes out an apology and leaves.
There's something in his chest raging like a storm, and it's loud to the point where it's all Touya can hear.
Fuyumi tries to say something, but Touya leaves for where he knows he'll find Shouto throwing up and Father yelling, because - because if there's one thing Touya learned as a child, it was how to make that something in his chest shrink and grow ever so smaller.
He can't fix what his father has done to Mom - but he can step in for Shouto.
He tells Shouto to leave, and he starts to scream again because he wants to make a difference and he wants to matter for just fucking once -
Father burns his face this time.
There's something dark and burning in Touya's chest, and it grows and grows until Touya can feel it nestle up against his ribs and scorch his lungs.
There's something reckless in Touya's chest when he's dragged back into the gym by Father again. Mom couldn't take it anymore - and Shouto's left side looked too much like Father, so down the boiling water went. Shouto can't train when he's in the hospital being treated, so - Touya was next on the list as an anger outlet.
But Touya isn't a child anymore and Touya isn't afraid anymore, and this time, he fights back.
His choices are reckless and stupid, but it's worth it when he gets a couple hits in. And he's screaming all the while, because there's been something in his chest since he was a child, and he wants it gone. So he screams and calls Father a pathetic coward and a thousand other names, searching for some kind of reaction.
There's nothing. Nothing but cold anger that isn't even directed at him, and Touya rages because - because he's spent all of his life kicking and pushing and screaming and he's put more effort in protecting the people he loves than anything else in the world, and Father's never acknowledged him as anything more than an annoyance, not even once.
I don't care, Touya tells himself. Who gives a fuck about what that asshole thinks of me?
And Father calls him a failure, and Touya hates himself just a little bit more because that's what tips him over the edge, and that's what proves him a hypocrite.
Touya screams, and fights ten times more recklessly, until his own flames burn him.
That's what makes Father stop. And Touya hates, hates, hates, because he's never been enough and he's never mattered and he can't even end this one thing on his own terms and god, it stings.
"What?" Touya taunts, broken and bleeding and burned. "Can't afford to have more than two members of the family in the hospital at once?"
"You're pathetic," Father tells him, and walks out without another glance back.
Touya spits blood at his back.
Fuyumi walks in the gym, and Touya wonders when it became Fuyumi who treated him instead of Mom. He wonders why everyone in this cursed family has to face things younger than they should've, because Fuyumi is his twin, and she's been taking care of his injuries for months instead of his Mom.
"I hate him," he tells her.
Fuyumi's expression is carefully blank, and for a moment, Touya regrets saying that because he knows how much she's always wanted a perfect family.
But then her expression crumbles, and Fuyumi whispers, "I do too," like it's a dirty secret while she dabs cream on his burns.
"I'm sorry," Touya tells her, and - he is. For what, he doesn't quite know. Everything, maybe.
Fuyumi shakes her head. "I should be saying that to you," she says quietly. "I don't think - I don't think you know how much you've done for us." She bites her lip, eyes shadowed. "I'm sorry, Touya. You've always been the one to step in - but I've never been brave enough to do it once. You've always had to pay the price." She takes a shaky breath. "I wish you didn't have to. I wish he was dead. I love you and I love our family and - " Her voice cracks, and Touya notices that her eyes are wet. "I love you," she says firmly. "That's not enough for everything you've done - but - "
"It's enough," Touya tells her, voice raspy, because it is. Touya has always wanted to matter, and Fuyumi’s words soothe that desperate need. "It's more than enough. And," he adds as an afterthought, "I wish he was dead too."
Fuyumi gives a wet laugh, and continues to help fix Touya, piece by piece.
But there's something growing in Touya's chest, and it's whispering to him.
There's something that reeks of other in Touya's chest, and he wonders if he should do anything about it.
Because this something whispers to him and gives him suggestions - and - and not all of these suggestions are actually that bad.
And Touya listens to some of them, and does some of them purely to piss is Father off. He gets piercings and he starts to go goth and he does a thousand other stupid things to drive Father into a rage - but there's one suggestion that's repeated over and over again, and it's telling him to run.
But every time Touya has to step in and fight Father, he's reminded of why, exactly, he can't actually always listen to that voice.
His family is here. And - he has to protect them.
It's just Fuyumi and him now, and Touya can tell that Fuyumi worries. She starts to step in for Touya, and it scares her, but she does it anyway and Touya can't help but love her a little bit more for it. Because it goes against Fuyumi's very nature to confront someone, but she's doing it regardless. And she doesn't do it often because she's not used to it like Touya is, but the fact that she does it is enough.
So Touya and Fuyumi run interference and push against their father as much as they can to help Shouto and Natsuo - until one day, Touya steps in again, like he always has - except, today, apparently, is the last straw on the camel's back.
Father snaps, and for a moment, all Touya sees is red, red, red.
There's something that calls for revenge in Touya's chest, but he can't feel it when he's unconscious and in a coma with half his skin burnt off.
There's something wailing in Touya's chest when he wakes up and looks in a mirror. Wide, expansive skin grafts that stretch all across his body - and when Fuyumi and Natsuo visit (but not Shouto, no, Shouto is trapped at home with a man that Touya wants to kill), they treat him the same. They act like he still looks the same. The surgical staples keeping the grafts in place shine, and a morbid part of Touya thinks that they match his piercings.
Touya's trapped in a hospital, and as he stares out the window, he realizes he and his mother are in the same place - trapped in a gilded cage for forever because they didn't lie down and roll over.
But Touya won't stay here. He'll spite the bastard until he dies.
The next time Fuyumi and Natsuo visit, he tries his best to make it the best visit yet. He drinks the sight of them in. The sound of their laughter, their little quirks, the way Natsuo's left cheek dimples when he smiles, and the way Fuyumi adjusts her glasses to hide how smug she is.
He keeps Fuyumi behind just a bit - he warns her not to push Father too far, unless she wants to end up like him.
Then, because he's weak, he hugs her tightly and he hugs her for as long as he can, savoring those last, few precious moments.
The next time Fuyumi and Natsuo visit, they are greeted with apologetic nurses who give them the one thing Touya left for them - a simple note that tells him he's sorry and that he loves them more than they'd ever know.
There's something that tastes like freedom in Touya's chest when he slips out of his window and hits the ground running, leaving his past behind him, and keeping only the memories of the people he loved.
There's something both regretful and elated in Touya's chest, and he can't decide if this is the right path or not.
What he's doing for a living - it's wrong. He knows that.
But hunger - true hunger, the kind that gnaws with enough pain to make Touya pass out - speaks louder than morals, so Touya uses his fire to burn anything and everything people ask him too. He tries not to think about if the bodies he's disposing of had families. Had loved ones. He's paid for burning them, and that's what matters.
Because - Touya can't afford an apartment, not now, so he squats in an abandoned building that was scheduled for reconstruction, but was never actually reconstructed.
And there are times when the hunger all but rips through his body and Touya blacks out and wakes up three hours later, so he burns more bodies and doesn't ask questions because it turns out food is actually kind of important. He makes a business out of it, and somewhere along the line, he stops caring about what he's burning and starts caring about the money.
But then, someone asks him about his hair and his eyes and his quirk, and Touya realizes that people are on the lookout for Touya Todoroki, because Endeavor's offered a hefty sum for anyone who can get his son back. And when Touya has what he's pretty sure is a panic attack because of it, he decides that enough is enough, and he can't afford to worry about that on top of everything else.
So he dyes his hair black and wears ratty clothes that make him seem less dignified and less like the son of the number two hero in Japan and when people ask for his name, he says, "Dabi."
There's something that's almost, but not quite, satisfied in Touya's chest, and he revels in it.
There's something intrigued in Touya's chest the first time he hears of Hero Killer Stain.
There's something angry and bitter too, because if Stain had showed up years ago and killed Endeavor - well, the Todoroki family would've been better for it.
(A part of Touya wonders when Father became Endeavor, but he decides that really, it should've happened years ago. That man has never been a father.)
Touya thinks that if nothing else, Stain has the right idea. Heroes are corrupt. The bad ones should be killed, and the ones with true intentions should prosper. Fix everything that's wrong with heroics. Checks and balances.
Because - if someone had just checked on Endeavor's family, done an investigation - everything would've been so much better. They could've lived a normal life, they could've had a happy family if someone, anyone had just looked deeper, and hadn't just rolled over because Endeavor was a hero, and Endeavor had power.
But Touya's never been one for what-ifs and could've-beens, so he just sighs and turns away.
He walks down the street a week later, and he sees Stain in a back alley, hunched over the struggling body of some pro hero.
It only takes a few seconds for Touya to decide to walk away.
The death of that pro was reported in the news the next day.
Inspired by Stain's message, Touya ends up picking up some vigilante work. He sets the headquarters of child trafficking rings aflame, he burns corrupt officials to a crisp, he does things that any good person would've hated him for, and he does things that he almost regrets.
But he never really does.
There's something vindictive in Touya's chest, and he wonders if Fuyumi still wishes that Endeavor was dead.
There's something envious in Touya's chest the next time he sees Shouto on live television.
He tells himself he's being stupid. Touya had spent his life protecting his siblings to the best of his ability, and Shouto was no exception. All he's ever wanted is for his siblings to be happy and have a good life. And maybe Shouto isn't lucky enough to have the first, but he'll live a wealthy life, and that'll have to be enough. Because seriously - whoever said that money doesn't make you happy is a privileged piece of shit who's never gone hungry or had to squat in a ratty building.
But it still stings when he sees the kind of life Shouto's living and the kind he'll have. Shouto's in the best hero school in the country, he has a powerful quirk, and - and Shouto gets to have open contact with his siblings because he isn’t a criminal, and his siblings don't think he's dead.
Touya pushes that part of him down, because he's never been one for what-ifs and could've-beens. He can't afford to be.
There's something sorrowful in Touya's chest and, for a moment, he regrets.
There's something wild in Touya's chest when the League of Villains asks him to join.
No, he wants to say. No way in hell. They're a mess, and it's ridiculous that they haven't been caught yet.
But - it's an opportunity and it's offering support.
Touya knows what he wants now - he wants Endeavor dead and gone, and the League of Villains has enough firepower for it.
He puts up a token resistance, but in the end, he's part of the League. He's part of the League, and hopefully, he'll gain enough favor to launch an attack against Endeavor.
But first, he'll have to do what the League asks of him.
And - and if that means Touya has to attack his little brother's training camp - well, he tries to tell himself that the ends justify the means.
So he steps through a swirling portal and he does what he does best - he burns. The forest lights up in bright blue flame, and he wonders if his old teacher is still here.
He gets his answer in the form of a light gray capture weapon and a short fight.
There's something unsure in Touya's chest, and he can't tell if he wants his old teacher to recognize him or not.
Although - it doesn't matter in the end, because he doesn't.
There's something in Touya's chest that fractures just like when Mom started to avoid him, and Touya does his best to ignore it as he slips away to finish his job.
Compress slips him the marble with the explosive kid, and as per Shigaraki's request, Touya's a little dramatic with the brat's capture. Compress releases the kid from the marble, and Touya clutches at his neck, sparks lighting in his palm to serve as a warning.
But - but then Shouto is right in front of him, and Touya realizes this is the first time he's seen the baby brother who used to give Touya ice sculptures in years. The baby brother that Touya used to play with and the baby brother that Touya used to protect and the baby brother that would always insist on helping in the kitchen even though he was a bit overeager when it came to stirring the pot.
He wonders if it's too much to ask for at least Shouto to recognize him.
Apparently, yes, it is too much to ask, because there isn't even a trace of recognition in his eyes or posture.
Touya swallows down the bitterness, gives a wide grin to hide the hurt, and says, "How sad, Todoroki Shouto," as he falls back into the portal.
Because Touya had stepped in time and time again for Shouto - and it hurts that Shouto doesn't recognize him, because Touya isn't being conceited when he says that he was probably his brother's guardian angel. Does he look that different? Or did he just not make enough of a difference in Shouto's life for him to care?
He goes through the rest of what's dubbed as the "Kamino Ward Incident" with something in his chest that rages, and seeing his baby brother come to save his friend without so much as looking in his direction doesn't help. The fact that the sight of Endeavor sends Touya back to the gym, where he can hear himself throwing up and crying and pleading as Endeavor stands over him and calls him a failure makes the seething anger in his chest worse.
There's something bitter in Touya's chest, and he wishes that he mattered to someone, just for once.
There's something scornful in Touya's chest when Hawks comes after him, asking to join the League.
The Number Two hero. Wants to join the League of Villains.
Yeah right, Touya scoffs internally.
If Hawks is sincere - that would be a huge advantage. But - well, the chances of that aren't exactly high.
Touya wants to tell Hawks to fuck off and leave, but - he can tell there's a thread of truth in Hawks' explanation for why he wants to join the League of Villains. And - well, Touya can relate to being forced into something that you never wanted to do as a child.
So he does his best to play up the villain and act hateful, and he does this and he does that, until he's hammered out some sort of unspoken agreement with Hawks.
There's something curious in Touya's chest, and he wonders if this year's Number Two hero is a good person or not.
There's something that's starting to feel like caring in Touya's chest when he spends time with Hawks, and Touya doesn't know what to do with it.
Because - he's been spending more time with Hawks because the hero is really insistent on meeting Shigaraki, and he's started to get to know Hawks more and more.
And now he knows things like Hawks' favorite food, and the video games he likes to play in his free time, and how Hawks is, frankly, incredibly bad at cooking. Touya is honestly amazed he's made it this far.
But Touya has - been noticing more things about Hawks too, and those things are what makes him uncomfortable.
Things like how his eyes are really pretty and his hair is really soft and it'd probably feel amazing if Touya ran his hands through it. Things like how Touya is actually a fair bit taller than Hawks, and whenever he points it out, Hawks get incredibly flustered and it's kind of adorable.
And - and there's the smaller things too, but they aren't actually that small. Those are the things like how Hawks is a much, much better person than Touya originally thought, and things like how Hawks is a lot more observant than Touya gave him credit for - and it's kind of embarrassing how long it took Touya to figure that out, because Hawks has been helping him with his meals for months now, and Touya hasn't even noticed because they were all under the pretense of meeting to discuss the League. Things like how Hawks is always careful when it comes to dealing with kids, and things like how Hawks always carries around a bit of spare change that he gives to people struggling on the streets. Things like how when Touya is sent back to that house and that gym and consequently has a panic attack, Hawks knows exactly what to do.
Touya starts to set up more meetings, and he starts to purposefully run late in those meetings, and he starts to know Hawks more and more.
But there's a part of Touya that's whispering to him, and it's telling him things that are - probably the truth, but Touya really wishes they weren't.
Things like how he's just a failure, and compared to Hawks - well, there's no competition, is there?
Things like how scarred and hideous he is, and how there's no way someone like Hawks would like someone like him.
Things like how nothing he's ever done has ever mattered, while Hawks has influenced thousands of lives.
Things like how Hawks wouldn't want to have to deal with a pathetic mess who is brought back to the less savory parts of his past by the stupidest triggers in the history of stupid triggers.
(And every time Hawks help pick him up and put him back together, Touya thinks that maybe - just maybe, Hawks might mean more to him than Endeavor. Maybe.)
There's something disturbingly like fondness in Touya's chest, and Touya knows that it'll never be reciprocated, so he does his best to shove it deep down, and he only hates himself more when he fails.
There's something that feels damn near hopeful in Touya's chest when he realizes that it's Endeavor who's with Hawks.
Because High End is unimaginably powerful, and if anything could take Endeavor down, it's High End.
And he banks on it and he hopes for it, and he hates how familiar the taste of failure is as it's shoved down his throat.
So he approached Hawks and Endeavor with the full intention of taking Endeavor down with him, but then Miruko shows up and he has to run, because with another pro hero on the scene, there's no way Touya will be able to kill Endeavor even if it he sacrifices himself.
There's something familiar in Touya's chest, and it takes him a moment to realize that it's the same burning anger that haunted his childhood.
There's something that reeks of betrayal in Touya's chest when he and Hawks fight.
They've established some kind of relationship, and even though there have been bumps and hiccups, they still have some kind of odd, crooked friendship that occasionally veers into fuck buddy territory.
(Touya wonders what it says about him that Hawks was probably the highlight of his day. Good god, he's pathetic.)
So that's why this fight is what makes him furious, because Hawks told the Commission where they were meeting, all while dragging Touya out of the meeting for a meal.
He lost his best shot at killing Endeavor - at making everything right - over a fucking meal.
There's something furious in Touya's chest, and it howls.
And he's back in that house and he's a teen again and there's fire all around him and there's something in his chest inflating and growing and pressing up against his skin, and - if there's one thing Touya learned as a child, it was how to make that something in his chest shrink and grow ever so smaller.
So he screams and hurls words against Hawks, fire lighting on his arms. He fights and snarls and his surroundings haze in and out, colors blending to show a gym that he wishes he could burn to the ground. And Touya hates and hates and hates because Hawks has no right bringing him back to a place that Touya left behind so long ago.
So he fights recklessly and he fights stupidly, and somewhere along the line, his thoughts fade from revenge to protecting Fuyumi and Natsuo and Shouto and Mom from the living nightmare that was his father.
It's an old routine, and it's one he knows well. The insults that fall from his lips in a never ending stream of poison are the same ones as always - can't have more than two members of the family in the hospital at once, can't keep his children in line, takes his anger out on those weaker than him, never more than second best - it's all the same, and Touya wonders where the burn scar will be this time.
He fights and fights but it's never, ever enough.
But he's spent so long wishing and praying that it was enough, and if this is his last fight, then he's going to end it all with a bang.
Touya lights up in the biggest burst of blue yet. The fire spreads wide and it spreads far, but it's far too close to Touya, and there's no way he'll make it out.
Setting everything aflame, even himself. It should be enough to take Endeavor out, and - and well, Fuyumi always knew he had a reckless streak.
He wonders anything he's ever done has made an impact. Because Touya's never been one for what-ifs and could've-beens, but he wishes that someone had found out what Endeavor was doing, and he wishes that someone had taken them away, and he wishes that he could have lived happily and lived normally without being trapped in a home where he struggled to breathe around the emotions in his chest. And if there's one thing he learned as a child, it was how to make the something in his chest shrink. He's worked hard to make it shrink - he stepped in over and over again - but - Touya's always wanted to matter to someone, and he's not sure that he does.
It doesn't matter though. Touya's going to die here - and the dead don't have worries.
There's something resigned in Touya's chest, and he closes his eyes.
Red feathers dart in, tugging at Touya's coat.
Favors are called in, and suddenly, there's an influx of people with healing quirks coming in and out of Hawks' apartment.
Hawks takes a sabbatical - his first ever, which is why the media is so lenient.
And this is what you have to understand - Touya's only ever thought the worst of himself, so he's never stopped to notice that Hawks cares about Touya as more than a way to get into the League.
There's something broken in Touya's chest when he wakes up.
He blinks at the ceiling.
He's supposed to be dead.
He's supposed to be dead, and he was supposed to bring Endeavor down with him.
But then Touya takes a moment to think, and he suddenly wants to hurl himself out the window. That wasn't Endeavor - that was Hawks.
He wants to cry, and hates himself for it. He can practically hear his father's voice in his head - a weak, pathetic failure. He can't even control himself - what was he doing? Why did he think Hawks was Endeavor?
Touya takes a shaky sigh, and hates the burning sensation behind his eyes.
So what if Hawks knew?
Touya didn't care.
It was fine.
Touya pressed his lips together, took the things he could feel rising up through his throat, and pushed them as far down as he could manage.
He was fine.
He exhales, and tries to hold onto the shaky, tentative peace that he's managed to cultivate.
But of course, it all comes crashing down when Hawks peeks his head through the doorway and asks if he's awake.
Touya tries to launch to his feet so he can hit Hawks - which fails spectacularly as he trips on the blankets and crashes into the ground face first. Hawks panics - and a small part of Touya is pleased with that, not that he'd ever admit it - and rushes over to help.
Touya slaps the hand away, struggling up into a sitting position, leaning against the base of the bed.
"Fucking traitor," he hisses at Hawks.
Hawks looks at him with an odd combination of pity and caring in his eyes, and Touya hates it. "I'm not going to say sorry," Hawks says.
"Wasn't expecting you to."
There's a brief spout of silence, but Hawks keeps looking at Touya with that stupid expression, and Touya can't take it.
"Stop it," he snarls.
"Stop what?" Hawks asks, eyebrow raised.
"You know - " Touya gestures with his hand. "Looking at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like - " Touya purses his lips. It's embarrassing, and - what if he's just misjudging the expression? "Ugh. Never mind."
"Wait, no, I wanna know," Hawks protests, flopping into Touya's personal space like he used to back when they were kind of sort of friends. Were they still friends? Touya wonders. Were they ever even friends to begin with?
But Touya goes with the charade because he's desperate for familiarity, and he shoves his hand into Hawks' face. "Too bad."
"Tell me," Hawks whines.
"No," Touya refutes.
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No!"
Hawks pouts. "Pleaseee?" he asks, dragging the syllables out.
"No!"
"What do I have to do for you to tell me?" Hawks asks.
"Either go back in time to fix your fuck up, or kill Endeavor," Touya says, and regrets it only because the conversation is now going to go into - very, very uncomfortable territory.
"Ah," Hawks draws back, brows furrowed. "Right. That."
"Right," Touya sneers mockingly. "That."
"I don't really think you care all that much about the League," Hawks says cautiously, and Touya hates him for it because he's right. The League was only ever a means to an end for him - nothing more, nothing less. "So - what did Endeavor do to you?"
Touya gaps at him. Did he really not know? Even after Touya's freakout?
"What about your 'freakout'?" Hawks asks, and Touya realizes that he said the last bit out loud.
"None of your fucking business," Touya snaps.
There's another spout of silence, and Touya can practically hear the gears in Hawks' head turning.
"Oh - oh shit!" Hawks says, eyes wide as he scrambles to his feet. "Oh fuck!"
"Guess you do have more than one brain cell," Touya says, mind already shutting down. Great. His most well-kept secret, out in the open - to the Number Two hero. Touya thinks he's going to throw up.
"Fuck, man," Hawks curses, pacing back and forth. "Endeavor's your dad?"
Touya scowls. "Endeavor's my sperm donor," he corrects, because he's heard that phrase a couple times and he's ridiculously fond of it.
Hawks laughs incredulously. "Oh my god," he says, plopping down next to Touya and running a hand through his hair. "I can't believe - wait, fuck, does this mean that - "
"Endeavor's an abusive piece of shit?" Touya finishes Hawks' question, nausea swirling in his stomach. He can't believe he's doing this. He's spilling his tragic backstory to the Number Two hero. He's telling the Number Two hero - a person who lied to him and tricked him and used him, about his tragic childhood.
Touya stands up abruptly. He's been to Hawks' place a couple times - he knows where the bathroom is. His pace starts out as a rapid walk before it quickly changes into a sprint for the toilet as he throws up the non-existent contents of his stomach.
He can't do this. The person who was his closest friend - wow that was really sad - was a liar who was probably only using Touya. He just told the aforementioned person, who was also the Number Two hero, about his shitty dad. He had a panic attack and flashback in front of again - the aforementioned person. He lost his best chance at successfully killing Endeavor -
Touya stays hunched over the toilet, pressing his forehead against the cool porcelain, trying to breathe.
"Hey - " Hawks' hands hover over Touya, unsure what to do. "You - you okay?"
"No," he rasps, because Hawks was the only person that Touya had really managed to keep a relationship with, and even if it's all a lie, Touya needs something - anything to hold onto, and that fact alone makes Touya hate himself even more. He spills everything to Hawks - his past, what he did, what Endeavor did - and he's crying and hating himself for how weak he is by the end.
Hawks rubs his back, drawing him into a hug, which Touya instantly rips himself out of.
"No," he snarls. "No, no - stop it!"
Hawks draws back, looking hurt, and Touya hates him for it.
"Stop it," Touya repeats. "Stop - stop pretending like you care!"
"I do care," Hawks says, and the fact that he has the nerve to look offended - Touya's blood boils.
"No, you fucking don't. All of this was a lie - you know it, I know it - you used me! You used me as a way to get into the League!"
"I - " Hawks falters.
"Exactly," Touya says, shoulders slumping. "It was all a fucking lie."
"No!" Hawks protests. "No, no - I looked for you because of the League, sure, but - I hung around even after you brought me to Shigaraki, right? It wasn't all a lie - and - and if it was a lie," he continues, "do you really think that I would have sex with you?"
Touya gives a sardonic laugh. "I don't know," he says, and the words are angry and hurt and defeated all at once. "I don't think I really know anything about you."
"You do," Hawks insists, pushing into Touya's space to grab at his face.
"Stop it," Touya says, and it's heavy, resigned. "Just - stop. Why are you even acting like you care?"
"Because I do!" Hawks says, and Touya can tell he's getting frustrated. "Look - Dabi, if I didn't care, I could hand you over to the police and pat myself on the back for a job well done. In fact, there's nothing stopping me from doing that right now."
"Thanks, birdie," Touya mutters.
Hawks glares at him. "Shut up. Point it - the only thing stopping me from doing just that is because I care about you."
Touya looks at Hawks, staring at his pleading eyes - and thinks.
Hawks' hands drop from Touya's face, and instead, Hawks nestles up into Touya, snuggling with him. Touya's arms start to circle around him, before Touya remembers that he's mad, dammit, and he puts his arms back down. Hawks scowls.
Touya smirks, and goes back to thinking.
They stay like that for seven minutes, before Touya sighs because - well, he can't find fault in Hawks' logic. And maybe - some part of him doesn’t want to.
"If you lie to me again," he warns, "I'm burning you to a fucking crisp, got it?"
Hawks beams. "Yeah," he says snuggling deeper into Touya. He leans up to peck Touya on the lips, but Touya pushes Hawks' head back down.
"Too soon," he says - because it kind of is.
"Okay," Hawks agrees.
They keep snuggling on the cold bathroom floor, and Touya wonders when Hawks started meaning more to him than killing Endeavor. But he’s too emotionally exhausted to even try tackling that, so he saves it for a later date. For now, he tries to enjoy the quiet peace and comfort.
Then, of course, Hawks ruins it.
"Do you - do you wanna talk about it?" Hawks asks. It, of course, being Touya's fairly extensive issues.
Touya scowls. "No," he says flatly.
Hawks frowns. "Uh - fine, I guess, but we should talk about it eventually."
"Sure," Touya says, and in his mind, he replaces the 'eventually' with 'never'.
There's a brief bout of silence.
"What's your real name?" Hawks asks.
"What's yours?" Touya returns, because he's an asshole like that.
"Takami Keigo," Hawks says with ease, and Touya kind of hates him for it. "You?"
Touya scowls. "Todoroki Touya," he says reluctantly.
"Huh." Hawks blinks. "What should I call you?"
"I don't give a shit," Touya says - and well, it's true. Dabi was only a cover for him.
"I'm gonna call you Touya," Hawks decides.
"Good for you."
Hawks hums, playing with Touya's hair. "Hey, is your hair dyed?"
"Yeah."
"What's the natural color?"
"Red," Touya says after a bit of silence.
"Really? Cool." Hawks pulls his head back, eyeing Touya like he's imagining him with red hair.
After a while, Hawks asks, "Can we move to the bed or something? This isn't really that comfortable."
Touya snorts, rubbing at his face to get rid of the itch caused by the dried tear tracks from earlier. "Sure."
They stagger to the bed and eventually fall asleep there.
There's something warm in Touya's chest, and he hopes that it'll all be okay.
There's something nervous in Touya's chest when he loiters outside of his mother's hospital room.
It's been two years since the League was apprehended and scattered to the far winds. He and Hawks have built a solid relationship, and even if it was unpleasant, they did get around to discussing Touya's crippling psychological issues.
It's the first time he's visiting his mother. Hawks has been pushing him towards it for at least a month now - but -
Touya remembers his mother, and he remembers how she used to flinch at the sight of him. He almost wishes he re-dyed his hair for the occasion, but he figured he'd be easier to recognize if he had his red hair again. The skin grafts that Hawks paid for helped too - you could tell that there were scars, but it wasn't the noticeable purple that it had been earlier.
He's afraid to go in. But he can hear voices down the hall, and - fuck it, he decides, pushing the door open.
Rei is looking out the window, a book on her lap and cup of tea in her hands. The sound of the door opening brings her head up, and Touya steps into the room, quietly closing the door behind him.
Rei stares.
Touya instantly regrets his decision to visit, and his hand is already back on the door handle when Rei stands up, cup shattering on the floor and tea spilling on the overturned book.
"Touya?" she asks, and it's so shaky and so hesitant and sounds exactly the same as the voice that used to read him bedtime stories -
He cries, and Rei rushes forwards and so does Touya, and when they meet in the middle and sink to the ground, he hugs her tightly.
"They told me you were dead," she sobs into his shoulder. "Touya - Touya, I'm so sorry."
"I'm sorry too," Touya says, and his voice is thin and reedy and desperate. "I'm sorry I didn't visit sooner - I - "
Rei shakes her head, cutting him off. "No - I'm sorry. I was your mother, and I couldn't even look you in the eye."
Touya hugs her tighter, and buries his face into the top of her head.
The door opens.
Fuck.
"Hey Mom, we - " Fuyumi's voice cuts off when she sees Touya's back. A quiet thud is heard - someone walked into Fuyumi.
"Yo, 'Yumi, move it!" Natsuo.
"What's the holdup?" Shouto.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"Touya?" she whispers, and Touya raises his head, wincing.
"Hey?" he tries.
"Touya," she sobs, and she throws herself at him, hugging him and Rei tightly.
"Touya?" Natsuo's voice repeats, and if it sounds a little wet - well, he steps further into the room, sinking down on his knees next to Touya. Touya tilts his head a bit so that Natsuo can see his eyes, hair, and fresh skin grafts.
"Hey," he says lamely.
Natsuo cries a bit, and joins the haphazard cuddle pile, squeezing Touya so tightly that Touya can actually hear his ribs creak. Touya wonders why his younger brother is stronger than him, but decides that's a blow to his pride that Touya is not going to acknowledge.
"Touya?" Shouto's voice is quiet, tentative.
"You don't have to repeat my name all the time, y'know," Touya says dryly.
Shouto comes into the room, closing the door behind him, and Touya does the same thing he did with Natsuo - he tilts his head up a bit so that Shouto can see his face.
Touya wonders if Shouto will make the connection between him and Dabi. Part of him hopes not.
But then again, the world has always had it out for him, so Touya isn't really that surprised by Shouto's recoil.
"Yeah, yeah," he says, wincing. "If it helps - I don't really do that anymore."
"You kidnapped my classmate," Shouto says flatly.
"I'm sorry?" Touya offers. "I swear - I am kinda sorry for it, and like I said - I don't really do that anymore."
There's an awkward minute of staring between Touya and Shouto before Fuyumi - of all people - sighs and says, "Just - join the hug, Shouto."
"He kidnapped my classmate," Shouto says again.
"And," Fuyumi says sharply, "he stepped in to protect you as often as he could when you were a child, so just join the hug."
Shouto stays quiet for a moment, but in the face of Fuyumi, he shrugs, and joins the hug accordingly.
They stay like that for a bit, but then Shouto asks, "Did you really?" and it’s quiet and hesitant and hopeful.
"Yeah," he says, and it comes out choked. He coughs, clearing his throat. "Sorry. Yeah."
"I - I don't remember," Shouto admits.
Touya gives a hoarse laugh. "You - you were pretty young," he admits. "I'm - not super surprised." It did hurt a bit though. Not as much as it did back during the Training Camp Attack though, because Touya's managed to take a step back and admit that, yes, Shouto was pretty young, and it makes sense that he would suppress traumatizing memories.
Natsuo recedes from the hug. Everyone follows suit, but Fuyumi gives Touya another tight hug before she goes to get a rag for the spilled tea.
"How?" Natsuo demands, wiping at his eyes. "Why didn't you contact us sooner?"
Touya coughs awkwardly. "It's... a long story."
"We have plenty of time," Rei says.
Touya laughs a bit. "I guess," he says, and starts to explain.
Hawks comes to get him an hour later, and has the pleasure of being shovel talked by Fuyumi - which was, in all fairness, an amazing thing to witness, because it was a fairly impressive shovel talk. It was ruined only by the fact that Hawks was friends with Miruko, and was privy to the fact that Miruko and Fuyumi were dating - something that Touya would address at a later date - and teased Fuyumi about it once the shovel talk ended.
From there, they spent another good thirty minutes introducing Hawks to the Todoroki family and getting sidetracked sharing embarrassing stories before Hawks and Touya took their leave.
There's something bursting with joy and happiness in Touya's chest, because even if Endeavor isn't dead or behind bars, he has his family and he has someone who loves him, and he matters - and it's more than Touya thought he'd ever have.