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Day 4: Favorite Moment/or Quote
There are many things that can be said about Caleb Widogast.
Whether or not those things are true, well he’ll have to get back to you on that.
To the Mighty Nein, his family, he is the bookish wizard, the man with an affinity to fire no matter how much a part of him will always despise it. He is someone who would do whatever it takes for the ones he loves, someone who would use his last dying breath to keep them safe.
To his parents, he was a young man with a brilliant mind, kind-hearted and bright-spirited, desiring nothing more than the knowledge and skillset to make his parents proud. A child who believed so strongly in his country for that was all he had ever known. The Empire kept him and his family safe, it gave him the opportunity to learn and grow, the opportunity to do justice to all the hard work his parents had done to get him to this point. Yes, when it comes to Una and Leofric Ermendrud, they believed their son Bren could change the world…
And Caleb Widogast made sure they never lived to see it.
Because of this, Caleb Widogast, to those who know him, has become things he never thought he’d be.
To Trent Ikithon, the man who took the world Caleb once knew and ripped it apart, stitching it back together in a horrifying, twisted mess of crystals and blood, one that Caleb’s keen mind will never let him forget, to him, Caleb Widogast is an experiment turned sour, a failure of a pet that will one day learn its lesson and see the light, or die in the process.
And perhaps this is true. Perhaps Caleb is an experiment with a time limit on it. He isn’t dumb, Caleb has known his clock ran out a long time ago, and ever since he and the Nein came face to face with Ikithon in the King’s courtroom he has known that it is only a matter of time before his master’s assumptions will either be rectified or abandoned forever.
It’s this thought, and so many like it, that have caused Caleb to pray with everything he has that the end result may hopefully be the latter.
Trent Ikithon is not the only one to feel this way. After all, there is certainly a long list of people who would like nothing more than to watch Caleb Widogast burn, himself included.
But for every person that sees Caleb Widogast as a failure, as a traitor to the empire, as nothing more than a man who lost his mind over a decade ago and will never truly be the same, as damaged goods…
There will always be someone who sees past it all, the good, the bad, and the unforgivable. Someone who can look at a broken man like Caleb Widogast and decide that he is worth far more than he gives himself credit for. Can look inside him and can find the small part that remains of the boy who Caleb once was, a boy so desperate to do good, who wore his heart on his sleeve, who wanted to learn magic not to achieve some impossible goal, but merely to keep the ones he loved safe, and to hopefully in time teach that same love of magic to the many generations to come.
And the thought that anyone could bear to do that terrifies Caleb beyond belief.
Yes, when it comes to Nott the Brave, Caleb Widogast is the man who gave her hope, who huddled with her for warmth on the side of the road, who worked cons with her to get money, who shared laughs, smiles, tears, and everything in between with her. To Nott, Caleb was her partner in crime, a man willing to go to great lengths to keep her safe, to get her anything and everything she ever wanted. To her, he is brilliant, capable of impossible things, someone capable of giving her back her life, and he did! To Nott the Brave, Caleb Widogast is a good man.
And to think that anyone would choose to be by his side, to trust him, to believe he is capable of good things, let alone to think he is a good man is…unimaginable.
What could Caleb have possibly done to deserve her trust? To deserve her friendship, loyalty, companionship?
And who the hell was he to ever be worthy of her love?
To Nott the Brave, Caleb Widogast meant something…
But to Veth…
She had looked at him like he was the only other person in the world. She stared at him with so much love in her eyes that it made Caleb’s chest feel fit to burst.
"Caleb, you know… I love you. And you are the second love of my life. Thank you for being with me…"
When Caleb Widogast came into existence in that jail cell with Nott by his side, he vowed to remain a solid wall to everyone he met. Never allowing entry, never letting anyone or anything get through to affect him so strongly, to change him so greatly, to make him want to be better so badly that the wall itself might crack, allowing even the slightest part of his true self to be seen. To be truly felt.
For what right did someone such as himself have to be allowed to love again? To be so greedy as to desperately want the love of someone who in every way, every shape, in any form, will always be deserving of more than he could ever give them.
But Caleb Widogast is a selfish man.
He had looked at her then, as he wishes he could now, with his emotions so clear on his face and his heart laid bare.
"I…love you too, Veth the Brave."
And it is this confession, this moment of vulnerability, that has Caleb groaning as he rolls over in bed in his room on the Balleater, turning to face the door, his arm falling to rest in the open space in the bed that lies between him and the rest of the world.
His heart aches at how cold that space is.
But what right does he have to complain? What right does he have to desire something that he can never have? Something he never deserved. That he willingly chose to give up.
It has been weeks since the transformation ritual, and Caleb is left to replay that moment and many like it over and over in his mind.
Why? Why had he said it? It certainly wasn’t because he felt like he had no choice in that moment, Caleb has danced around admitting how much Veth means to him plenty of times in their travels together.
He has played his feelings off as a lot of things, merely saying that he cares deeply for her, telling her that he can give her only his loyalty, even once caving enough to admit that he would hate to see her go.
Caleb can say a lot of things to Veth, words that merely skirt around the truth that Caleb still in this very moment, is terrified to admit even to himself.
For when he had offered her his loyalty he had meant so much more than just that. He would give her the world if he could. He wanted, wants, to give her everything she desires. He wants her to have the chance to live her life to the fullest, to have the ability to choose for herself what will make her happy.
But what if that thing that makes her truly happy is somewhere else? Is someone else?
Caleb is not blind. He can act as much as he pleases like nothing changed between them that day in Felderwin when everything he thought he knew came crashing down around him.
He can pretend like it is still just the two of them, Caleb and Nott, and that it will stay that way till the end of their days, that they can make each other happy. He can pretend all he wants that what would make her happiest would be to stay here. With the Mighty Nein. With him.
But that doesn’t negate the truth. The truth being, that Veth Brenatto is a woman who was turned into a goblin by an evil hag in the woods all because a favor was owed. She was a woman with a past, with a life well before Caleb and the Mighty Nein. A life where she was married, had a son, where she was a halfling. All of that was taken from her in but a moment, a moment where she became Nott the Brave.
And in but an instant, Caleb was able to give it all back to her.
Caleb knew what would happen when the spell was complete.
But that didn’t make the sharp pain he felt in his chest hurt any less when Veth Brenatto stayed with Caleb for but a moment, before he felt her slip from his grasp and run to her husband, kissing him passionately. And then…she left the room. Leaving the Mighty Nein behind. Leaving him behind.
And why the hell shouldn’t she? She is a happily married woman after all, right?! She has a son who adores her whom she loves! She has a life waiting to be resumed with them that was lost so long ago that Caleb was able to bring back. He did that!
He will never regret being able to do her this service. She deserves the world, to be happy with the ones she loves most and that will always be her family. Why would she ever choose to stay with the Mighty Nein? She finally has everything she has ever wanted. Everything that she has been asking Caleb and the Nein for help with. She’s finally free. And no matter how much it pains Caleb to accept it, Veth has made it very clear in the past few weeks that the place she feels truly free isn’t with the Nein, it’s with her family.
Time is running out, and Caleb must face the facts. That what he believed to be true was just an idea built entirely out of hope. Hope that somewhere in that damned dodecahedron there existed a universe in which Veth the Brave could find it in herself to love someone like him. That in some lifetime she would choose Caleb Widogast, selfish as he may be, over the life she had always known.
Caleb Widogast may be a selfish man, but he will never allow himself to be someone that would so deeply hurt the ones he loves. Not again.
And Yeza, unlike him, truly is a good man.
Far better than Caleb will ever be. Him and Veth are so good together that it hurts Caleb to see, because every time he sees them together all he can imagine is him in Yeza’s place, and what he would do if he had that chance. But he doesn’t. And he won’t.
Because Yeza can give Veth everything she wants, everything she deserves. He is her husband, who once upon a time he dedicated a part of his life to her and has been waiting patiently through all of this to have his wife back.
And Caleb cannot blame him, because try as he might to separate the players in this game in his mind, he cannot disregard Yeza. For Yeza was kind enough to look at Caleb, see how much Veth means to him, and merely let Caleb leave with her to go adventuring for weeks, time and time again.
Caleb doesn’t know how he could bear to do it, but what he does know is this: if there was ever a man in the entirety of Exandria that deserves to be happy, it most certainly is Yeza Brenatto.
And what Yeza wants is his wife back. And Veth can give that to him. There is no doubt in Caleb’s mind, that she would happily give that to him.
Caleb Widogast is a lot of things, but an optimist is not one of them. No, he is a man who at one time wished to bend reality to his will, and some days, when his thoughts are dark enough, he still believes he could.
But every time he looks at Veth, he can’t imagine a part of himself that would ever want to.
Because how could he ever bear to live his life without her in it?
Now that, that is an easy question for Caleb to answer.
How could he do it?
Easy.
He can’t.
But he is going to have to.
He knows that this is their last journey together. That the look shared between Yeza and Veth before the Mighty Nein left Nicodranas to head once more out to sea was not simply a goodbye, but rather an I will see you again soon, and when I do, we will not be separated again.
She even said herself, what feels like forever ago on their path to find Caduceus’ family that perhaps they would all have one last adventure together, attending TravelerCon, and that would be it for her.
And she would be gone.
TravelerCon, to Caleb’s knowledge, is merely a few days away, and he knows in his soul that this pain in his chest in no way relates to that damned orb he keeps in his amber vault for Fjord.
No, this pain is caused by many things. The coldness of the sheets next to him below his hand, the emptiness of the bed by his side, the silence that fills this room that once held her tiny snores, his arms, now empty having lost the body he was once allowed to hold so close, to hold so dear.
God how he misses her.
But even to say just that is not enough.
He misses her, but more terrifying, and more undeniable is the fact that he wants her.
He wants her in every sense of the word. He wants her as his best friend, as his partner in crime, as his life partner, as the person he can share a bed with and never feel guilty about it, as the person he is allowed to kiss and not worry that he is destroying a love that she has held onto desperately for years.
He wants to be able to research and create new spells with her the rest of his life. He wants to make her so happy that everything they have both suffered through to get to this point may one day have been worth it. He wants her to know that she can love as she pleases, and that she is loved in return.
He wants to love her, unconditionally, irrevocably, eternally.
But who is he kidding? He doesn’t just want to, he already does.
And that, is what makes all of this so hard. And so inexplicably, undeniably painful.
Merely saying I love you to someone like Veth the Brave will never do justice to everything she has given him.
She has given him the opportunity to change, to grow as a person, to form bonds and relationships with a group of people that have grown so strong that he willingly considers all of them to be his family. She made him want to be better, someone worthy of her affection and support. She has made him question everything he thought he knew, about the world, about himself, about what he wants.
She is what has made it so difficult to commit to chasing that impossible goal once more.
She makes him want to live.
But how will he ever be able to that, without her by his side?
Again, the words will never be enough. And as far as Caleb is concerned, they might just ruin it before he even gets the chance to say goodbye.
But even so…
“Are you in love with Nott?”
Yes.
“Are you jealous?”
Of course I am.
“Do you love her?”
Of course I do, how could I not?
“You know, I love you…And you’re the second love of my life.”
And you, Veth the Brave, are the second love of mine.
When he looks back on this moment later, Caleb will desperately try to blame it on a lack of sleep, on fear of the unknown, of what he might regret if he doesn’t share his feelings now.
Perhaps it’s the desperate ache in his bones, the desire to be close to her, to touch her and know that she is real, that she is here, even though she is merely a room away.
But even that will never be close enough, but that is what he deserves, no? That is all he has the right to, after all. The right to only love her from afar now, and for the rest of his days.
Caleb Widogast is a lot of things, and a selfish man will always be one of them.
So when a selfish, lovesick man pulls a copper wire out of coat pocket, curls in upon himself in bed, moves the wire quickly between his fingers, and holds the wire up to his lips to whisper out a message, Caleb doesn’t blame him.
Because Veth Brenatto is a lot of things.
But to Caleb, she is everything.
She is his best friend, a brilliant alchemist, an excellent mother, and an adoring wife. She is the bravest person he has ever met, and the kindest woman he will ever know. She is funny, and beautiful, and inspiring, and deserving of the world over. And gods, what he would not do to give it to her.
She is the one he can always turn to in a time of need, the one who saw a broken man and did not make him whole, rather she complimented the man he was and the man he could be, so much so that for the first time in his entirely life, he finally learned what it meant to want to live. For the things you want, for the people you love, and most surprisingly, for himself.
Caleb Widogast can be a lot of things, but he became Caleb Widogast for her.
Always for her.
And he cannot deny it any longer, with time no longer on his side, there is nothing left to lose.
She is the love of his life, and by god, she deserves to know that.
Caleb holds the wire to his lips with one hand, his heart beating loudly in his ears as he whispers into the silence of the night, his other hand pointing out into the darkness. Towards the brightest light in his life. Towards the woman he loves.
”Veth the Brave, I do not know if you are awake, but if you are, and you can hear me, there is something I have to tell you. Something I have been meaning to say for… for a long time now. And I fear that if I do not say it now, I may never get the chance. A-and I do not want there to be any regrets, not when it comes to you. Never when it comes to you. So, if you can hear me, and you would allow me to have but a moment with you, I-I would like to speak with you…please. You can reply to this message.”
There are many things that can be said about Caleb Widogast.
And good or bad, there is one thing that he can confirm to be undeniably true: that he, Caleb Widogast, is undeniably in love with Veth Brenatto.
Now as to whether or not she loves him…
“Caleb? Oh, o-okay! I’m…I’m on my way.”
He’ll have to get back to you on that.