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"Okay Clyde, we've been walking for a half hour. Where exactly is this nude beach you said you found?"
"We should be really close. I can practically smell the hot chicks from here!" Clyde pushed a stubborn branch out of the way, holding it in place to let Kenny pass by without getting whipped in the face. "And I didn't find it. I was told about it."
Kenny furrowed his brow. "Uh-huh…and who was it that told you about this supposed nude beach full of perky tits and tight ass?”
"Cartman.”
Kenny stopped dead in his tracks. “Clyde.”
“Keep up, Kenny! The babes won’t wait for us forever!”
“Clyde, stop .”
“What?!”
Clyde spun around, clearly irritated by Kenny’s hesitation. This was the opportunity of a lifetime! He had thought for sure that Kenny would have understood that. He had taken Kenny aside during the class hike and it hadn’t been difficult to convince him to join in on this lucrative side adventure.
“There’s no nude beach. There are no babes,” said Kenny.
“What do you mean? We just haven’t found it yet! Yeah, maybe it’s not a fully nude beach, or maybe it is, but it’s coed so there’ll be some dicks and balls flopping around. It’ll be okay though, cause I’ll say no homo when I see it.”
Kenny sighed and closed his eyes. He really didn’t know why he had a crush on Clyde. There was no good reason for it. He was naive. He wasn’t particularly sharp-witted. He was straight. Yet Kenny couldn’t help but be smitten with him. There was just something about his stupid handsome face, and his melodic laughter, and his propensity for handling balls so long as they were on the playing field. Kenny opened his eyes, pursed his lips, and continued.
“I mean Cartman lied to you.”
“What? No way! Why would he lie to me? He’s one of my bros!” said Clyde.
“Because he lies all the time. To everyone. It doesn’t matter if he’s your bro or not. He’s lied to my face more times than I can remember. He loves it.”
“So...you’re saying that there isn’t a beach full of naked hotties out here?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re saying that Cartman lied to me because he thought it’d be funny?”
“Yeah, probably.” Kenny noticed the tears starting to well in the corner of Clyde’s eyes.
“And you’re also saying that he probably lied about having a foursome with Sally, Heidi, and Annie?”
“Uh, Annie’s gay, so yeah, big time lie right there. Also, did you really think that Cartman would be able to land a foursome with three girls?” asked Kenny.
“Well,” Clyde paused to sniffle, “not really. I assumed he was full of shit about that, but I also thought hashtag goals, you know?”
Kenny snorted and cracked a smile. “Yeah, man. That’s definitely a hashtag goal.”
Clyde returned the smile, then wiped his eyes with the back of his arm. “So I guess we should head back to the campsite then?”
“Yeah. That’s probably a good idea.”
“I don’t wanna get stuck out here in the dark,” said Clyde as they turned around and started back the way they came. “Hey. Do you think they’ve realized we’re gone?”
“That depends on who ‘they’ is,” said Kenny. “Your friends? Yeah, maybe. My friends? Probably not.” Kenny shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked at a broken twig on the ground. “The teachers? Definitely not.”
Clyde groaned in frustration. “This whole camping thing sucks! I hate it out here! Nature can bite my ass! I know they said we didn’t have a lot of money for the junior class trip, but I’d have rather just not had a fucking trip at all than this!”
“Yeah. I’m with you there. They should’ve just given us the fifty bucks we had per person. Could’ve had some actual fun with that.”
"Aw man, I could've bought so many Doritos Locos tacos and Mountain Dew with that. What would you have used the fifty bucks on?"
"I would have turned it in for fifty ones and saved it for my eighteenth birthday."
Clyde looked at Kenny like he had seven heads. "What? Why?"
"A new strip club just recently opened in Denver.”
“Don’t you have to be twenty-one to get in though?” asked Clyde.
“Usually. But this one doesn't have a bar, so it's eighteen plus to get in.” A lecherous grin spread across Kenny’s face. “And because it doesn’t have a bar, it’s able to be fully nude."
Clyde's eyes were saucers. "Oh. My. God. I want to go there on my eighteeth birthday, too."
Kenny chuckled and patted Clyde on the shoulder. "Your birthday is a few weeks after mine, right? I'll take you and pay for your first lap dance. Pinky promise." He held up his pinky finger in front of him.
Clyde wrapped his own pinky finger around Kenny's, a huge grin across his face. "It's a date!"
Kenny felt his cheeks grow warm, simply from that brief touch of Clyde's hand. He was mentally fighting with himself about this whole situation. On one hand, he'd jumped at the chance to sneak away with Clyde alone because his heart and his hormones wanted nothing more than that. On the other hand, being so close to him, but clearly in a strictly platonic way, was a reminder of what he could never have. He settled on the brief happiness being worth the hurt that would inevitably come later.
"You know, I should have realized that Cartman was full of shit," Clyde said, breaking their brief silence.
"Hmm?" Kenny inquired.
"It's May in Colorado. No one in their right mind would be at the beach in general, let alone a nude one. The lakes are fucking cold. I don't know if pussies shrivel up like dicks and balls do, but if I had one, I wouldn't want to find out."
Kenny began to laugh, but then abruptly stopped, perplexed by Clyde's words. "I… I don't know that either. Remind me to ask one of the girls when we get back to camp."
They continued walking the path in front of them, ducking under low brush and seeing how far they could kick sticks lying in their way. The sun continued to get lower in the sky, but they seemed no closer to the campsite. Soon, Clyde began to panic.
"Hey, Kenny? Does this path look different to you? Like...I think we might have taken a wrong turn somewhere."
"It just looks different because we're going the other way, dude. We saw it from one direction, and now we're seeing it from the other."
“Are you sure? I don’t remember seeing any vines in the trees earlier.”
“Earlier, your mind was solely focused on seeing tits, dude. I’m positive that this is the way back.”
But Kenny wasn’t positive. He was starting to have his own doubts, as he too didn’t remember a clump of trees full of strangling vines. Still, he knew that panicking wouldn’t help things, and he wanted to keep Clyde calm.
It didn’t last long.
“We’re fucking lost, dude!” cried Clyde. “We’re fucking lost in the woods and it’s dusk and it won’t be long until we can’t see anything cause we didn’t bring a fucking flashlight!”
“It’s going to be okay, Clyde.”
“No, it’s not going to be okay, Kenny! We’re going to die out here!”
SNAP!
The sound of a very loud twig breaking and rustling leaves left Clyde screaming and running for his life.
“Shit, it’s a bear!”
Kenny didn’t take the time to investigate if it actually was a bear or not. Not this time. It hadn’t been enjoyable being mauled in the face by a pissed off mama bear. He followed Clyde’s instinct and ran.
Clyde veered slightly off the path and headed toward the first climbable tree he found. Kenny was right behind him, and in no time, they were both safely off the ground.
Both of their hearts were racing. They looked around at the ground from their perch, trying to spot the bear. They heard the rustling again and looked over at the moving brush to find—a deer.
“It was just a fucking deer?” Clyde yelled, sending the timid doe in the opposite direction.
Kenny snorted, then started to laugh quietly. Clyde turned to give him a dirty look, but once he saw Kenny’s face light up, he couldn’t help but laugh at his mistake as well.
“Bear, deer, same difference, am I right?” said Clyde, sending Kenny into a fit of laughter.
They soon calmed down and surveyed the ground once more.
“It looks clear,” said Kenny. “We should climb down now before it gets really dark.”
Kenny started to shift in the tree as he prepared to climb back down. He looked at Clyde when he noticed that he wasn’t moving. He cocked his head to the side in question.
“Uh...yeah...I’m afraid of heights,” Clyde admitted.
“What.”
“I can’t climb down because I’m afraid of heights.”
“Clyde. Why would you climb up a tree in the first place if you were afraid of heights?”
“I didn’t know I was afraid of heights until this very second,” he said, sheepishly.
Kenny sighed. "Of course." He looked down from where he sat, judging the distance and foot placement for the climb down. "Okay, so if you get on my back, I can carry you down and maybe that will work."
"Bro. That's not going to work. I'm two hundred pounds of linebacker, and you're probably, like, one twenty soaking wet."
"I'm one twenty-five, thank you very much," Kenny interjected.
Clyde smiled and continued. "The point is, I'd break you if I tried to ride you." He paused.
"That's what she said!" they both exclaimed, before laughing and high-fiving each other.
"Also... we're probably safer staying up here for the night, right? Like, we'd probably just get deeper into the woods and maybe actually run into a bear or coyote or something that's hungry."
“I dunno if we’re really safer up he— ”
The large dark cloud and the sound of wings flapping suddenly rushed past the tree. Clyde screamed and threw his arms around Kenny.
Kenny felt like his heart was going to leap from his chest. His mouth felt dry. His skin prickled everywhere it touched Clyde. Kenny cursed himself and his hormonal body for reacting this way. This didn’t mean anything. Clyde was simply reacting the way most humans react to fear: looking for safety. But...did that mean that Clyde felt safe with Kenny? No, Kenny was just the closest human to Clyde while being stuck in a fucking tree. Clyde’s stupid strong arms wrapped around his waist and his stupid handsome face pressed into his chest didn’t mean that Clyde wanted to be close to Kenny in anything more than an instinctual survival sort of way.
But...Clyde was just so close . He was right there, leaning into him, pressing Kenny’s body against the thick branch they were sitting on. He was so warm, and squeezable, and his hair still smelled like the campfire the class had made earlier that day. His heart racing, Kenny closed his arms around Clyde and held him.
“Dude...are we gonna die out here?” Clyde asked after a few minutes had passed. His voice sounded so small.
“Absolutely not. We’re going to be fine,” said Kenny.
Clyde huffed in doubt.
“Seriously. We’re not going to die. Clyde, look at me.” Kenny could barely see Clyde’s soft brown eyes, but he knew that he was looking up at him. “You have me here with you, and I’m not going to let you get hurt, got it?”
“Really?”
“Yup. These woods are going to have to get you over my dead body.”
Clyde laughed and rested his head back on Kenny’s chest.
“I’m holding you to that, cause I can’t die yet. Not when I haven’t…uh…” Kenny felt him fidget against him. “Can I confess something embarrassing? I’m...I’m still a virgin. I know I talk a big game, but that’s all it is. I really wouldn’t want to die before I finally scored, you know?”
Kenny chuckled. “You’re not the only one, dude. I haven’t gone all the way with anyone yet.”
“Wait, what? Are you serious? But everyone says you’re the class slut.”
Kenny rolled his eyes. “Most people don’t know me as well as they think they do. Just because I’ve kissed everyone in the entire class means I’m a slut, apparently.”
“You’ve never kissed me.”
The silence that fell between them felt like it lasted for hours.
Clyde eventually lifted his head from Kenny’s chest and shifted his body. He was even closer now. Kenny could feel his warm breath against his cheek. His weight still pressing against Kenny’s bony frame felt comforting and thrilling all at once. Kenny held his breath.
“Kenny…would it be okay if I—”
“Yes.”
Clyde didn’t waste time closing the space between them. His lips pressed against Kenny’s, slightly parted, feeling Kenny’s top lip in between his own. Kenny slid his hands from Clyde’s back to his shoulders. Clyde’s lips felt soft and plump—perfect for kissing.
This was exactly what Kenny had wanted, but his head was telling him that it was wrong—that this was taking advantage of Clyde being scared and vulnerable. He had to be honest.
Kenny gently pushed on Clyde’s shoulders, breaking the kiss. “Okay, I have my own confession to make,” he said as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I have a huge crush on you. So this...this feels like I’m in some sort of wet dream. Like, it doesn’t feel real. I mean, I always thought you were straight.”
“So did I,” said Clyde. “I always liked girls. Still do! But, uh...when high school started, I noticed I kinda liked looking at guys, too. I dunno...I was never really sure what to call it. I didn’t really think about dating or kissing a guy at the time, so I never told anyone about it. But all I can think about right now is kissing you.”
“Yeah, I’m definitely good with that,” said Kenny as he pulled Clyde’s mouth back to his.
It didn’t take long for the slow, timid kisses to evolve into hungry kisses fueled by pure want. Now that they had been open and honest with each other, they knew they didn’t have to hold back. Kenny threaded his fingers through Clyde’s hair, taking the lead and tilting his head back, leaving kisses down Clyde’s jaw as he worked his way down. Kenny licked and nibbled at Clyde’s neck, tasting his skin, and not giving a fuck that neither of them had had a proper shower in two days. Clyde’s mouth hung open, his breath heavy, the faint rumble of a moan forming in his throat. One well placed bite in the crook of his neck by Kenny was all it took to send it out, loudly into the cool Colorado night.
“Hey! I heard something over here!”
Clyde and Kenny both froze. A voice. Had someone come to find them?
“Shut up, Craig , I know what I heard! Quit being an asshole! Come on, this way!”
Kenny pulled away from Clyde, turning his head “Stan?” Kenny whispered.
They saw beams of light cut through the darkness as the sound of footsteps drew closer. The lights moved around the trees like searchlights. Clyde and Kenny squinted their eyes as they were blinded by the sudden brightness. They were discovered!…cuddling together in a tree in the middle of the woods at night...
Maybe no one would notice…?
“Got ‘em, fellas!” said Butters.
When their eyes got used to the light, they discovered that their rescue team was made up of Stan, Craig, Token, and Butters.
“So...this is where you guys have been all this time?” asked Token.
“It’s a long story,” said Clyde. “Can you guys help us down?”
The four boys helped Clyde ease down out of the tree. Kenny didn’t need the help, but accepted it anyway.
“Sweet, sweet ground!” Clyde cried once he had both feet back on the forest floor.
He turned to Kenny and they gave each other a big hug. When they pulled away from the embrace, Craig was staring at them. He looked back and forth between them. He raised his eyebrow and gave them the eye, but said nothing.
“So, uh, they sent an assortment of our friends, eh?” asked Kenny.
“Well,” explained Butters, “the plan was for us to all come out to look for you guys, but Jimmy was already asleep, and Kyle and Cartman are in a heated argument back at camp.”
“It’s not a heated argument, Butters,” said Stan. “Cartman had admitted that he told Clyde about a nude beach that didn’t exist, laughing the whole time, and Kyle has been cussing him out since. The rest of us got bored of waiting, so we just left without them. Twenty bucks says that Kyle is still going when we get back.”
“I’m not taking that bet,” laughed Kenny.
“And I tried to get Tweek to come, but he was too paranoid that ‘the hill people’ were going to snatch him away and eat his flesh,” said Craig.
“He is the wisest of us all,” Clyde nodded.
“Alright, it’s dark, I’m tired, let’s get the fuck out of here,” said Token.
They started down the correct path back to camp, two by two. Stan and Butters led the way, Craig and Token followed, and Clyde and Kenny brought up the rear. As they walked, Clyde’s fingers brushed against the back of Kenny’s hand. Kenny glanced over and found a smiling, blushing Clyde. Smiling back, Kenny took Clyde’s hand in his own.
Craig glanced behind at the two of them, staring at their clasped hands, then up at their faces. “So how did you end up in that tree anyway?”
“We were already lost and it was getting dark,” said Kenny.
“Then we heard a noise and I thought it was a bear, so we ran and climbed up into that tree,” said Clyde.
They could hear Token loudly sighing in front of them. “You guys do know that bears can climb trees, right?”
Silence.
“We do now,” laughed Clyde.
The conversation moved away from how two dumbasses got lost in the woods and onto what was on the camp schedule the next day. Clyde tugged on Kenny’s arm to get him to slow down a bit, hanging them back a few feet from the others.
“So...I wanna make out again sometime. I mean, only if you wanna, too,” he whispered.
Kenny grinned, giving Clyde’s hand a small squeeze. “Wait for me later. I’ll sneak into your tent once everyone is asleep.”