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The doors to the TARDIS shut. There was a new and uncertain quiet that slowly passed through its walls. Ryan and Graham were gone. They had assured the doctor that it wasn’t goodbye for good, but time had a habit of moving in ways that the doctor couldn’t always predict. Human lives even more so, they moved in ways she still wasn’t used to; they were always far too short and fragile. The uncertainty of seeing them again made the doctors hearts heavy.
She was so tired.
Her head fell forwards as the lights in the TARDIS dimmed off their own accord. But she wasn’t alone, of course Yaz had stayed, her brilliant Yaz. She hadn’t told any of them just how long it had been for her before Jack found her. 2068 years had passed. All that time, all that life just gone. The years spent reliving all the losses, all the heartbreak This is too much for one being. Why can’t I rest? She hadn’t thought like that in a long time. Older faces, her faces, reappearing in her mind. And then there were the faces she didn’t know. How many were there? Loss is a complicated thing. You can lose a sock or a girlfriend. You can lose your home or your faith. You can also lose yourself. Is this how loss was felt? With vastness and entrapment felt all at once and all too much? Does loss age the same as our bodies and mind, or does it preserve us? A child feels loss as much as those that have grown into their noses or their eyebrows, and it stays with them for just as long. Where do the days go? Can anyone tell a child where days go once they have ended? In the same breath can they be told how cruel death can be? Like the warmth of summer will right all of winters wrong doings, but for a child winter can make time stand still. Time can be explained (most of the time). Loss cannot. You can grow into time, grow with it, fill it yourself. But loss can fill you.
None of them knew what the Master had told her all those years ago. How could she put into words something she couldn’t quite grasp herself? With two thousand years of isolation suddenly falling heavily onto the Doctors shoulders, it all felt too much far too soon. Funny, how even after all that time, the thing she wanted was more time. Perhaps not more, but for time to slow. How much slower would it have to be, the Doctor thought, how much slower before I am prepared to feel the lives of all those I was before now?
With the Doctors breath laboured and shallow, her head dipped into her chest eyes shut, hunched over the console, she couldn’t bare to witness to what was going on around her. After all that time in solitude, the sheer volume of the universe, the movement of the earth hurtling its way through space, each and every person rattling away through their short lives, it was like a fire inside the Doctors head. She could hear and feel it all. The TARDIS was humming, not moving, but almost singing, as if trying to comfort its long-lost pilot. All the while Yaz stood, for the first time with the Doctor, her Doctor, scared and unsure.
She looks broken.
Yaz didn’t know the right words. What do you say to someone that’s been locked in a space prison? Yaz thought back to that morning. It had been eleven months since they had landed back on earth. Although alive, the fam had all lost a part of themselves that day. Ryan and Graham had each other, their growth from their time with the doctor had a natural evolution. She had shown them how to be a family again, how to love. As for Yaz, it was a similar lesson but not one she knew how to practice with without the Doctor. Learning to love by loving the Doctor was something no one could prepare themselves for. Her person was different. So, as the others slowly made their peace with the reality of never seeing the Doctor again, Yaz felt incomplete, she didn’t know where to go next. Real life set in quicker than she had wanted, everything felt like an unwanted distraction, a distraction away from her. Because Yaz couldn’t accept that the Doctor was gone. And so, when she heard that whirl of air and the gentle roar of a TARDIS engine, this time she knew it was real. There had been times before where Yaz would run out of the flat or work thinking she had heard that beautiful sound, but each time it would be a leaf blower or a truck reversing; soon she stopped hearing the TARDIS in these sounds, but her hope never left. Her hope prevailed.
There it was, that stupid blue box. God, it’s beautiful. All the times Yaz had imaged this, and here she was just stood a few meters away and too afraid to get any closer. But she wasn’t given much choice when the doors opened, and Jacks smug face appeared.
“I think you’re gonna want to come inside Yasmin Khan.” The glint in his eyes was instantly recognisable, that’s the look of someone who’s with the Doctor. And from that point Yasmin Khan was no longer in control. It was like time slowed. It was like she could feel herself breath for the first time since Gallifrey, since she had found the doctor eleven months ago, before she had lost her. Her eyes were becoming wet and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She was in the TARDIS before she knew her legs were even moving. Frantically panning the console room, her eyes landed on the one thing she cared about in that moment and time jolted back into action. Hands in giant pockets, just as she remembered, a nonchalant welcome home. But her eyes, her smile, she looked so sad. Yaz ran, this wasn’t the time for false bravado or trying to impress. The Doctor was back. Quicker than either of the women could prepare themselves Yaz had her arms round the Doctor and had buried her face into the Doctors neck.
“Good thing Jack gave me time to shower and grab a fresh pair of clothes, otherwise this would be very unpleasant for you Yasmin Khan” The doctor whispered, hesitantly returning the embrace. “Oh, my brilliant Yaz…” Little did Yaz know that in this moment the Doctor very nearly broke there and then. So close but with words failing the Doctor she still felt so far away. And as if Yaz had read her mind, had pulled back, hands reaching and cupping the Doctors face. So much intimacy, so much closeness so quick, it was all getting too much for the Doctor, and Yaz knew. “Sorry.” Yaz mouthed, taking her hands away. She could see the hurt and fear in the Doctors eyes, it was like her eyes had been stuck that way since she last saw her.
“Get off me Yaz… please.”
The doctor reached out and took Yaz’s hand in hers. Still standing so close to one another, neither had realised that Jack had stepped outside to give the two some privacy. All the things Yaz wanted to say, and she couldn’t. “Doctor… I…” But all that followed was a sob. God, Yaz had been so sad all this time. Falling through time day by day aimless and alone, and now that she was faced with the Doctor again, she was terrified. The look in the Doctors eyes turned Yaz’s skin cold, how could she protect someone she didn’t understand?
The doctor pulled Yaz back into an embrace, clinging onto Yaz tightly. Had it not been for Yaz’s bulky police jacket, Yaz may have felt just how tightly the doctor was holding on. With Yaz yet again buried into the Doctors shoulder, the doctor breathed. So far from Gallifrey and yet the Doctor felt like she had returned home. She couldn’t understand these feelings right now, it was all too much, but for the first time in a long time, the doctor could remember, this is why I waited.
The embrace lasted longer than either of the two could recall, the breathing and the holding. What’s a few minutes to someone that’s waited thousands of years? They were finding themselves in one another yet neither could see it happening. Jack returned with a sense of urgency. “Sorry to break up the party ladies, but I have a favour Doc. Think you can quickly swing by Cardiff?” And before Yaz new it, she was back, clinging onto one of the railings as the doctor moved around the central console while the TARDIS jolted and wailed, and Jack squealed in boyish delight. Yaz laughed, genuinely and full heartedly she laughed. It came out and shocked her. It had been so long.
Jack had left, returning to the new Torchwood base, and they were alone. Stood in a town centre Yaz had never seen before, it was slightly easier to think outside of the sensory overload within the TARDIS. “Doctor…” Yaz couldn’t bring herself to look towards the woman next to her. “There is so much I want to say to you.” Surprisingly and out of nowhere Yaz started laughing. This was surreal. Maybe this wasn’t actually happening. Maybe it was all a dream, or she had finally lost it. She couldn’t control it, she just kept laughing. Yaz’s laugh caught the Doctor off-guard making her shut her eyes and smile, taking in a sound she had sorely missed. It was a healing sound. The doctor looked at her and they locked eyes, both smiling authentic smiles and Yaz slightly out of breath. The Doctors eyes were lighter for just a moment, like the darkness was slowly lifting, but it was short lived. The Doctors face went still, and her smile faded, bringing Yaz out of her daze.
“Yaz, there is so much I want to say to you.” The Doctor breathed, her collarbones strained and tight against her skin. There was so much she was holding in. She flashed Yaz a warm smile, but Yaz knew that smile and it wasn’t comforting. “But first, let’s go see Ryan and Graham eh?” She continued to smile weakly. Yaz nodded. Yaz had been trained in what to do when encountering people who had suffered trauma, but for some reason, she just didn’t know what to do. She was lost, a cacophony of thoughts whirling round and the one that played the loudest was what if this is her saying goodbye?
And here they were. Graham and Ryan gone. With the TARDIS crying out for the Doctor and the Doctor giving up in front of Yaz’s eyes. Yaz could see the Doctors body going rigid, as if the thoughts going through her head were filtering their way through every bone and muscle, taking her over bit by bit. Yaz made the leap to grab he Doctors hand and before she could get close the Doctor spoke.
“It’s all so much Yaz. I’ve been gone so long. And… It’s all just so much.” The Doctor breathed, her hands loosening and her body returning to life, the TARDIS lights started to return to normal and the humming lessened. “I’m tired Yaz.”
“Doctor.” There was a firmness to Yaz’s voice, but her eyes remained warm and her face soft. When the Doctor lifted her head towards Yaz, her body naturally inched closer to her companion. “I'm not leaving.” That was all that needed to be said. In that moment that was everything the Doctor needed. Yaz took the Doctors hand and guided her through the corridors of the TARDIS. She had no idea where to, but it was time for the Doctor to rest.