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Earworm - noun (informal) - a song that you keep hearing in your head.
This is what one would find if one looked up the word in a Muggle dictionary, but Filch, who had rarely had use for even a wizarding device of its kind, could tell you that earworms were much more than merely a song. Even his limited knowledge knew now what Muggles didn’t - earworms were, in fact, small magical pests that liked to cause mischief. And in certain conditions, they could grow to be quite problematic.
“Problematic” hardly described the chaos caused the day Filch learned about earworms. It was near the end of the most trying time in the history of the International Statute of Secrecy - a time after someone leaked the entire story of those pesky kids and their seven year quest to stop He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Muggleborns were coming to school with these stories and a weird mesh of half-muggle, half wizarding magical mishaps began to develop in ways no one foresaw.
Right after the winter holidays was when Filch first heard it. Names he’d long hoped he’d never hear again being half yelled through the halls. Rhythmically, too. He and Mrs. Vivian scuttled after what he thought was just a bunch of students being noisy, until suddenly there was a loud BANG, causing the hall to fill with smoke and bits of debris.Then, there was a laugh and someone singing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s name.
“Who was it! Show yourself! I know it was one of you lot!” he yelled in between coughs. He could hear his tortoise marked cat complaining loudly before nuzzling his legs in her familiar ‘are you alright?’ manner.
“I’m fine, luv. But those brats won’t be once I speak to the Headmistress about this. Come along my sweet.”
But Headmistress McGonagall had merely dismissed him. Explosion spells weren’t that uncommon, after all, and as he hadn’t actually seen any of the students that had been causing the disruption he couldn’t punish anyone.
“Unless, Argus, you expect me to chastise the newly elected Head of the Auror’s department and his fellow former students for having a song made about them, I suggest you leave and let me attend to more pressing matters.”
Filch and his cat stormed back off to their office, trying to figure out what to do next when suddenly he heard the chanting again, only this time he noticed a mysterious ticking noise with it.
Wasting no time, he took off as fast as his bad leg would allow; Mrs. Viv right behind him. Again, just as he was approaching them, they began screeching in unison.
“SINGING OUR SONG, ALL DAY LONG AT HOOOOOOG-WARTS!”
Before Filch was able to fully identify the students beyond being a Hufflepuff girl, a Ravenclaw boy, and a few Gryffindors, there was another explosion, followed again by a high pitched laughter. This time, however, the laughing noise seemed to multiply. Right beside his ear he could hear a voice identical to the last time.
“Voldy-mort Voldy-mort, ooh Voldy, Voldy, Voldy Voldy-mort!”
There was a snicker as he felt something drop from his shoulder to the floor, and in an instant Mrs. Vivian had pounced onto something he could barely see. He hardly noticed the students take off in a mad dash in all directions, focusing more on his beloved cat.
“Whatchu got there, my sweet?” he asked.
“Mrawr,” she replied, purring proudly as her claws dug into something wriggling hard against the stone floor.
“Hmmm…” Filch slowly bent down and picked up what the cat had caught. It was an almost clear worm that seemed desperate to get away. It had stopped giggling and begun blowing raspberries as he tried to examine it.
“Guess we ought to bring it to the professor in charge of Magical Creatures. Pity it isn’t still old Kettleburn - I figure he’d have a better chance at recognizing this pest than the oaf we have now.”
Mrs. Vivian purred in agreement and soon they were waiting by a group of students outside near a padlock where the professor was showing off some weird creature inside.
“And that’s all yer lot need to knows about that,” concluded Hagrid as he leapt out of the fence. “Mr. Filch, sir. To what do we owes this honor of havin’ yer join us?”
“I found this - thing - causing mischief in the castle. You wouldn’t have any idea what it is, now, would you?”
Hagrid reached for the wriggling worm and the moment he touched it, it began to glow orange. It then split into five identical copies of itself, trying to jump towards the closest people it could at incredible speed before slipping into their ears.
One jumped onto Filch before making what seemed like a retching noise and leapt towards a student instead.
“Somehow it’s repulsed by me, ” he managed to think before a unique spectacle graced his poor eyes.
The five people that had been attacked by the mysterious worm, specifically Hagrid, three Hufflepuff students, and a Ravenclaw, began to emit a steady, almost ticking noise that one could almost see and definitely could feel hitting your head. Rather jerkily, the Ravenclaw began to sway side to side, screeching uncontrollably a name not heard often at Hogwarts anymore.
“Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape,” she continued to repeat with a mortified look on her face.
“DUMBLEDORE!” yelled Hagrid with a similar look plastered on his.
“Oh no, not that song. It’s all over Youtube back home!” yelled one of the Hufflepuffs from the back of the group. Filch had no clue what this You-fube thing was, but he was just about to address her when one of the other students that had been hit with a worm started a new chant.
“Ron - Ron - Ron Weasley. Ron - Ron - Ron Weasley.”
The entire group began to try and back away from the singers as yet another voice joined them.
“Hermione. Hermione. Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.”
By this point, the fifth and final person to have been infected - the poor student that had the misfortune of having been the closest to Filch - could guess what was about to happen and seemed to be fighting to control himself, with no luck.
“Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Ugh! Harry Potter! Harry Potter - Yeah! Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Ugh! Harry Potter! Harry Potter - That’s Me!”
A greater distance was being formed as the Ravenclaw and the last Hufflepuff began to go at each other suddenly.
“Snape!” “Harry!” “Snape!” “Harry!” “Snape!” “Harry!” “Snape!” “Harry!” “Snape!” “Harry!” “Snape!” “Harry!” “Snape!” “Harry!” “SNAPE!” “HARRY!”
“DUMBLEDORE!” shouted Hagrid as most of his clothes expelled from his body, leaving only his undergarments on.
“Heeeermione!”
Everyone watched in horror as the full chant began again, though this time with Harry’s voice sounding even more full of himself, before they all started yelling the same thing, just like Filch had seen before - only this time he was ready.
“SINGING OUR SONG, ALL DAY LONG AT HOOOOOOG-WARTS!”
“Get down!” yelled Filch, and, thankfully, most of the students did. A loud explosion erupted from the force of the previous ticking feeling that knocked anyone still standing prone, including the singers. It also destroyed part of the paddock, letting the what-ever-they-weres to escape in fright. In the midst of the excitement, the earworms slipped out of their hosts' ears, cackling as they sang out.
“Voldy-mort Voldy-mort, ooh Voldy, Voldy, Voldy Voldy-mort!”
At that point, all five worms glowed orange again before splitting once more and jumping towards fresh victims among the students, reinfecting at least one from the last group. Most made it away, but some poor souls did not. Once five earworms had managed to plant themselves in place near enough to each other, the whole ordeal began again.
Thankfully, the student that had seemed familiar with the song had not been infected yet, and Filch hobbled over to her.
“You there! You seemed familiar with this thing. What is this me-yube and what does it have to do with this song?”
“It’s Youtube and it’s a place where muggles post silly videos to watch.”
“Videos?”
“Kind of like moving portraits, only they always show the same thing. Anyways, someone created a video with this song and it got really popular.”
“Oh no,” muttered one of the Ravenclaw boys. “Don’t tell me that someone created a magical earworm!”
“A what?” asked Filch, but before he could reply the poor kid was screaming Dumbledore’s name.
In a hurry to get away from the chaos, Filch and Mrs. Vivian ran back into the castle.
“Earworms, hmm?” he muttered to her as they went. “Sounds like dark magic. Maybe young Professor Malfoy can help.”
As fast as they could they made their way to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, trying to avoid the occasional outbursts of songs along the way. This time, Filch didn’t even wait before interrupting the lecture.
“Magical Earworms. Loose in the castle. I need-”
“Earworms?” exclaimed the professor. “Everyone - head directly to your dorm rooms, staying at least five feet from anyone you encounter along the way, especially if they’re singing. Stay there until instructed otherwise. Now!”
The entire room cleared quickly in even more chaos than Filch had witnessed earlier.
“Argus,” Filch flinched at the former student’s address but under the circumstances didn’t comment, “we need to get to the library and ask Luna about this. She’ll know more about these creatures”
Oh yes, the new librarian. Filch hadn’t even thought to go see her, though if he had he still may have picked the tall oaf to go see first. Luckily their destination wasn’t too far from the classroom and Vivian led the way ahead.
“We have to be careful, but still hurry,” Draco insisted. “Otherwise-”
At that moment, a group of four running and screaming Slytherins came around a corner and almost ran smack into them. Vivian was hissing angrily towards them, but Filch managed to stop himself before he fell down.
Draco, however, had a horrified look on his face.
“Go - find Luna before it’s too late!” he instructed as he clawed madly at his ear. “I can’t get it - Snape, Snape, Severus Snape-”
Filch didn’t need to be asked twice. Knowing he couldn’t be infected, he dropped all caution and soon had made it through the insanity starting to block the halls.
The library, however, seemed to be practically empty, and as such devoid of the chaos in a way that was almost unsettling. Even Mrs. Vivian seemed to have picked up on it and was acting uneasy.
The librarian was easy to find, as she was sitting cross legged on top of a table directly in front of the door with a thick tome spread out on her lap, absentmindedly twisting a blond curl through her fingers. As Filch and Mrs. Vivian entered the library, she looked up briefly from her book before holding out a single finger to stop them as she dropped her focus back to it.
Mrs. Vivian seemed to take this as a personal challenge and climbed up beside the librarian to charmingly slide herself onto the pages of the book. With a small sigh, Luna petted the petite disturbance as she finished her paragraph. Sliding the book to one side, she then lifted Mrs. Vivian into her lap and continued to stroke her fur between Viv’s kisses without even looking up as she began talking.
“I take it something odd is happening, yes? I noticed the lack of zingle sprites a moment ago and figured someone might be coming by to ask for assistance, but I am pleasantly surprised to see that it is you.”
“Professor Malfoy was on his way as well, but was attacked by an earworm on the way.”
“Earworms you say,” she repeated, finally looking him in the eyes. “Such innocently wonderful and fascinating creatures. They have so often brought beautiful, nearly forgotten tunes to my head when I had most needed them. Though I am going to assume that by using the word ‘attacking’ that they have somehow found a viral song to spread, yes?”
“Yes. One of the students said it was a muggle thing off of we-whoo or something like that. But how do we stop it?”
“Well, by doing the one thing that gets rid of any earworm, magical or otherwise.”
“And what might that be, hmm?”
“Getting another tune stuck in everyone’s heads so that the earworms have no room anymore.”
Filch stared at her in disbelief. “Make more music. Right. And how do we know this won’t cause the same issue as the one we are trying to fix?”
Luna blinked at him a moment before giving Mrs. Vivian one last scratch behind the ears and setting her onto the table so she could stand up.
“We don’t, but magical earworms don’t show up from just any music, so we have a higher chance at this succeeding.”
Her confidence wasn’t the most convincing to Filch, but he had no other option.
“Fine, what do you need me to do.”
“Well, do you know how to use any instruments?” asked Luna. “Out of everyone here, you are going to have the easiest time getting these creatures to leave the school as they can only bond with hosts that are magical.”
“No. I will not play any music to get this to stop. And that’s final.”
“Okay. Then the entire school will soon be overwhelmed with this song and any ill effects that come with it. I can try to assist you, but it will be quite difficult, especially if Draco was so easily susceptible. I’ll warn you - we will have to deny access for any and all earworms, and if anyone ever tries to sing this song again, it will come back. Possibly even stronger. We'll need to have the song banned once we are done.”
Filch let out an exacerbated breath before scowling at the librarian. “Fine. I’ll go get my tuba, but I cannot guarantee the outcome will be pretty.”
A moment later, Filch had returned to the library with his instrument in hand.
“Now what?”
“What can you play on your tuba? The Entertainer? The Flight of the Tuba Bee? Tubby the Tuba?”
“Er, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” Filch admitted with a frown. “Poorly.”
“That’s perfect,” Luna assured him. “Now, let’s head through the halls and spread our song. Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star-”
Filch marched through Hogwarts sloppily playing his tuba as Luna belted out her song, neither worrying about what key they should be in. Mrs. Vivian pounced every earworm she could find as they fell from their hosts, much more aggressively than before, causing them to poof into nothingness once destroyed. Cheers erupted everywhere as they went about and once the danger had passed, Professor McGonagall personally granted Filch’s request to ban the song.
‘Everything is once again right in the world,” he observed as he gave Mrs. Vivian a tuna treat, a reward sent over by Draco. “ Everything is right again. ”