Chapter Text
It is official. Illumi hates animals.
He didn’t always hate animals, in fact he used to be rather fond of cats and small rodents like hamsters or rabbits. They were small and didn’t make too much noise; They required minimum upkeep perfect for his busy schedule as an assassin, and even more conveniently they were easy to kill. He had taught Killua to kill a hamster at age 2 and was very proud of that fact. But the point now stands that Illumi hates animals. The reason being his current mission.
Killing heiresses is usually a very calming experience for Illumi. They are always very easy to find, flaunting their newfound riches, and they never expect that someone wants them dead for said riches. All Illumi has to do is slip into their homes, slit their throats and slip back out. A clean kill, Illumi’s favorite. But this heiresses murder had not been that at all. No, it had been his messiest kill in years and why? Because of her 17 chihuahuas.
Chihuahuas, the only creature in the entire world that can see through all types of nen. Not many people know this fact but as an assassin you tend to notice when, even though your presence is concealed, at every residence that has a chihuahua the chihuahua attacks you.
The chihuahua the concealed assassin’s worst nightmare. And, this heiress had 17 of them. Illumi had 2 options. He could just ignore all of the chihuahuas, hope no one was alerted by the sound of all the chihuahuas barking, and kill heiress or he could kill all of the chihuahuas and then kill the heiress.
As much as he would love to do option 1, he decided against it. If someone in the investigation of the murder questioned all the dead chihuahuas and figured out that they could see through nen concealment, then every shady businessman and rich family would get one to alert them of the presence of a shielded nen user. And for an assassin whose primary method of infiltration was to nen-conceal, this would be way too much of a hassle. So Illumi was forced to endure the yapping and the bites of the little dogs as he entered the heiresses house, killed the guards and then killed her.
It was very messy. Illumi hated it. And chihuahuas. And all animals.
Illumi was very happy to retreat back to his country home after this disaster of a mission, but as he rode the train back to his tiny town, he realized. There were animals at his home. Animals. Those things that he despised. They were kept in the barn but that was only like 3 meters away from his house. Where he lived.
Illumi did not know if he could continue to live like this, with animals so close to where he slept. But his husband would probably be mad if he killed all of them. When they acquired the farm, Hisoka had been delighted to find out that it came with real life farm animals too. Illumi at the time couldn’t care less, as long as he didn’t have to take care of them and was just silently amused at his husband’s enthusiasm for them.
It was 4 months since they had moved onto the farm, and surprising to Illumi, Hisoka did not seem bored yet. He usually would bore of a place in a few days if there wasn’t anyone Hisoka wanted to fight there. Illumi supposed it might be because they sparred every day, but their daily sparring was surely not the reason that his husband enjoyed the farm so.
“It must be those damned animals that he likes so much,” Illumi thinks. But Illumi’s curiosity was piqued. To his knowledge Hisoka had never had a pet, and he had never seemed particularly interested in animals before. Illumi determined to ask Hisoka about it later when he got home and went to sleep.
Illumi arrived back home Monday morning right as the sun was rising. He had not entered the house yet, but he saw Hisoka moving around in the kitchen through the window. On a whim, Illumi concealed his presence and slipped into the shadows. Hisoka wasn’t expecting him to return till the afternoon and Illumi has always wondered what Hisoka got up to in the mornings before he got up. This would also give him the perfect opportunity to observe Hisoka with the animals and work out why he liked them so much.
Hisoka, seemingly not noticing the concealed Illumi in the front yard, continued his morning routine. He had eaten his typical breakfast of toast with orange jam and was dressed in his typical manner. How he managed to still look good when wearing overalls with card suits on the pockets and a straw hat eluded Illumi, but who was he to not appreciate his gorgeous husband.
Hisoka hummed and shuffled a deck of cards on his way to the barn. Illumi silently followed and perched in the loft of the barn as he watched his husband complete his daily chores. Hisoka started by walking over to a little radio in the corner of the barn and turning it on. Illumi was terrified that Hisoka would take his new farm lifestyle a little too seriously and play country music, but to his surprise, and relief, it was classical music that came out of the machine. Hisoka listened for a moment before beginning a dance. Not a real dance but he was as fluid and graceful as any dancer that Illumi had ever seen. He flew around the barn, shoveling manure into a neat pile, brushing the cows, and giving them new straw to eat and sleep on.
When he was finished, he turned off the radio and poured a bucket of slop into a low trough. There was the sound of a bell and Illumi looked over to see a goat entering the barn. The goat was rather large for a goat, but it looked quite dainty with a pretty bow and a bell around its neck. It swiftly ruined this positive impression for Illumi when it walked straight to the trough and plunged its head into the slop.
“Good morning Cornetto,” Hisoka called over to the goat from where he was now milking one of the cows. The goat responded with a bleat and went back to its slop.
Cornetto? Illumi was confused. Was that the goats name; he wasn’t aware the animals had names now. And wasn’t Cornetto a type of ice cream?
“Cornetto’s being a big meanie today isn’t he Toby. Not like you Toby you’re always such a good cow.”
Hisoka was talking to the cow. The cow that apparently had a name. Do all the animals have names? What does Hisoka talk to them about? These questions filled Illumi’s mind as he continued to eavesdrop on his husband.
As he listened, he figured out that the other 2 cows were named Sweedy and Bubble. These names were absolutely ridiculous. If Illumi had named them they would have sensible names like Kobe or Wagyu. These names would make sure that the cows always knew their place, as his dinner. But these names Hisoka had. They all seemed very familiar, especially Bubble. Bubble… Bubble Gum! Of course, Hisoka would name the farm animals after his favorite candies. Sweedy must be Swedish fish and Toby, Toblerone.
A rooster meandered its way into the barn and walked right up to Hisoka. It stared him in the eye, sizing him up. Hisoka stared right back. The rooster then reared its head and crowed. Loudly. Hisoka didn’t flinch. Instead he in turn bellowed at the rooster. The rooster seemingly satisfied seemed to nod its head at Hisoka and walked back out of the barn. Hisoka, now done with the cows, stood up and followed him out.
“You’re such a bad rooster you know, Mikki-chan. You know the sun rose like 2 hours ago.”
Illumi stood to follow Hisoka and the rooster, but Hisoka’s words made him halt. Mikki-chan! That was the name of the rooster. What kind of candy is that? Illumi’s head spun in circles trying to figure out what the hell kind of candy a Mikki-chan was. He was so distracted by this unusual name that he didn’t notice a big black cat by the edge of the loft and instead of gracefully, and silently, jumping to the floor of the barn, he tripped over the cat and flopped over the edge of the loft. His many years of assassin training allowed him to land silently, but the break in his concentration made his nen-concealment fall for an instant.
Illumi stood perfectly still for an instant, hoping that Hisoka didn’t notice. When his husband did not reappear in the barn for a few minutes, Illumi assumed that he got away with this blunder, and snuck out to see where Hisoka had gone with the rooster.
He found them behind the barn by a small chicken coup. Hisoka was collecting the eggs from the 2 chickens.
“Thank you, Taffy, and thank you Juju,” he said as he delicately extracted an egg from the two chickens’ nests.
Taffy and Juju. More candy names noted Illumi. Taffy was pretty self-explanatory, and Jujubes were Hisoka’s current favorite snack. This made Mikki-chan’s name even more confusing to Illumi as the other chickens had candy names so why didn’t he.
Hisoka seemingly done with the chickens returned to the farmhouse. He put the eggs in a carton in the fridge and took out a bag of cat food from underneath the sink, Illumi did not know that was there. He poured the food into a little bowl on the back porch, Illumi didn’t know that was their either. Hisoka went back inside and looked around. It was around 10 o’clock, about an hour and a half before Illumi usually woke up and they made lunch together. Seemingly not finding whatever he was looking for, Hisoka flashed a smile that Illumi knew could only mean he was about to get up to some mischief.
Hisoka’s next activity was to place 3 logs onto a large tree stump. He then proceeded to go to the opposite side of the property and then throw his cards at a log, slicing it into perfect pieces of firewood. Hisoka backed up a hundred paces and tried once more. Again, it was perfectly cut. Hisoka seemed annoyed at this. Instead of throwing a card at the last log. He went into the barn and emerged again dragging Cornetto behind him. Cornetto was quite displeased by this and was struggling. Though he did not manage to escape, he bit a hole in Hisoka’s overalls. This quite annoyed Illumi as he knew Hisoka would ask him to repair them later. Hisoka seemingly uncaring, just manhandled, or would it be goathandled, Cornetto over to the log.
Using a little Bungee Gum Hisoka affixed the last log to the top of poor little Cornetto’s head and finally let go of him. Cornetto relishing his newfound freedom ran as fast as he could away from Hisoka, who was nonchalantly putting on a blindfold.
A blindfolded Hisoka was almost as dangerous as a seeing one, this Illumi knew well, so he was quite surprise when the card that Hisoka threw “at the goat” instead lodged into the wall of the farmhouse right behind his head. Illumi does not move, his concealment not budging, unlike last time.
“Oh, silly me it seems I missed.” Hisoka crooned, throwing another card over his shoulder. This one hit the log directly in the center, splitting the log into two flawless pieces. Hisoka took off his blindfold and clapped his hands together when he saw how nicely his second card has split the log, not bothering to look where his 1st card had landed.
Hisoka ass seemingly done with this game, as he moved into the barn. He greeted the cows, as he hung a large white blanket along the wall opposite them. He activated Texture Surprise on the blanket and then sat himself down on a bale of hay.
“Sweedy, it’s your turn to pick, what should today’s movie be about?”
The cow mooed back at him.
“That’s a great idea, Sweedy. Today's movie will be about Illumi.” An image of Illumi appeared on the blanket. Illumi, who had placed himself back in the loft, had never seen Hisoka use Texture Surprise in this way and was intrigued.
“Bubble, its your turn, What should Illumi be doing in this movie.”
“Moo”
“Ah I see, Illumi was assassinating a high-ranking official in the hunter association, but he was caught, and he needs help.” The image on the sheet shifts to one of Illumi tied up in what appeared to be a dungeon. Illumi frowned. He would never allow himself to be captured and even if he did, he could easily escape from this place in Hisoka’s image.
“And who shall save him Toby?”
There was another Moo, but it seemed to come from Bubble. Hisoka didn’t seem to mind as he continued the story.
“Ah yes, our story’s hero.” On the screen, like a knight in shining armor, Hisoka emerged, wearing what looked to be shining armor. Screen Hisoka leapt over to the bound Illumi, sweeping him off his feet and kissing him passionately.
Real Illumi found this display ludicrous and was going to tell Hisoka as much but stopped as this would most definitely ruin his cover. Hisoka, unaware of how perturbed Illumi was at his completely inaccurate portrayal, continued the story doing a high falsetto voice when speaking as cartoon Illumi.
“Hisoka, you’re so big and strong, saving me from the big scary Hunters association. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
“It was no trouble at all. Just doing my job,” Hisoka again in a low manly voice, his own characters it seemed.
“Oh Hisoka, what job is that. I’ve never heard of a job where you save an assassin like me.” Fake Illumi swoons in Hisoka’s arms.
“Why is it the most important job? It’s being your husband of course.”
As their portrayals kissed passionately, Hisoka was laughing his ass off. Illumi on the other hand was getting more and more angry.
“Hisoka darling, what are we going to do now? Are we going to finish the assassination?”
“Why of course we are. But I think that there are some things that we can do in this dungeon first.” Fake Hisoka wiggled his eyebrows.
This was the last straw for Illumi, real Illumi, and he jumped down from the loft hands outstretched to strangle Hisoka. Hisoka dodged easily.
“Oh Illumi, I didn’t see you there.”
As Hisoka disengaged the texture surprise on the screen, Illumi was able to calm down.
“Cut the crap Hisoka, you knew I was here.”
Hisoka smiled, “Aw Illumi, don’t be mad at me I was just messing with you.” Hisoka pretended to look sheepish but is much too smug to pull it off properly. “Why were you following me around anyway.”
Illumi made a little huff and crossed his arms. “I’ll answer that question but first I have 3 of my own. For one how did you know I was here?”
“I make a point to notice when you get home from missions.” Hisoka smiled predatorily, “I noticed you as soon as you stepped onto the property. You disappeared pretty soon after that so I thought I might have been wrong but after you slipped up and fell out of the loft, I was sure.”
Illumi frowned at this. He should be stealthy enough to sneak up on his own husband, husband being an expert nen-user or not. “Ok but why do you like being on this farm so much. The only one to fight is me. It can’t be the animals. You seem to like them but not like how you love a fresh kill or a hard-fought battle. I’ve watched you all day and I can’t figure it out.”
“That’s why you were spying on me? Do you not like it here?” Hisoka seemed saddened by this thought. Illumi was quick to respond.
“No, no, I like it just fine. It is more peaceful and much quieter than the mansion. It just doesn’t seem like a place you would like. How is it that you are not bored here, with only me as company.”
Hisoka’s face flashed between his usual easy smile and almost a grimace. It settled on a neutral expression, but his eyes seemed far away. Illumi had only seen these eyes a few times, but it was always when Hisoka was thinking about his past.
“Why did I move us here to the farm? When I was a kid, I used to run a lot. I would run as far as I could, and I wouldn’t stop until I couldn’t run anymore. After one run, I took shelter in a barn in the middle of nowhere. Next to it was a farmhouse and inside was a couple and they looked so happy. They were poor, it was obvious, but they had each other, and for them it seemed like that was enough. I guess that is why I made you move out here with me. To live out a fantasy I had as a half dead kid in some random stranger's barn.”
“And it is enough?” Am I enough? Illumi Zoldyck. The failure of the Zoldyck family, just because he had the wrong colored hair.
A spark returned to Hisoka’s eyes, ignited by Illumi’s words.
“You wanted to know why I haven’t gotten bored here, right?” Hisoka’s usual lighthearted tone had returned. “This one is easy. It’s you of course.”
Illumi blanched, startled by such a straightforward confession, even if it was from the fickle Hisoka.
“How could I get bored with you around. Not with the way that you haggle with the people in town over grocery prices. It’s not like we couldn’t afford any price that they make.”
Illumi murmurs under his breath, “Just because we can afford it does not mean I want to get swindle.”
“And you’re showing me so many more of your skills here. I never knew you could do needlepoint, although I guess I should have guessed, and you can cook, and you decorated our whole house, and you can mend my clothes when I get them dirty.”
“Now it just sounds like you like me because I cam do things for you.” Illumi looked petulant.
“Certainly, that is not it at all, although I do love it. You are fun to spar with and talk to. Pretty much everything is more enjoyable when you are here. Why do you think I am so antsy when you are gone? Do no think that I’m so incompetent that I can’t find things to do when you aren’t here. There’s lots to be done, but it would always just be that much better if you were here. Even if it is just to scold me. You’re my husband. I love you.”
Illumi was speechless. No one had ever said this many nice things about him, and no one outside of his mother and brothers had ever said that they loved him, especially so casually.
“You’re my husband.”
“Yes, we established this several months ago if you forgot.” Hisoka laughed at Illumi’s state. His face was as blank as ever, but Hisoka could tell that under the surface he was firing on all cylinders. Sensing that without prompting his husband was just going to stand there all day, Hisoka led Illumi back to the house. By the time lunch was over Illumi seemed to have processed what Hisoka had said and was back to normal.
They followed their regular schedule for the rest of the day. Hisoka getting his afternoon nap and Illumi doing his needlepoint. That evening after their sparring match, a draw sadly, they sat on the back porch of the farmhouse in matching rocking chairs. The big black cat that had tripped Illumi earlier, hopped onto the porch and started eating the food. On closer inspection, Illumi decided that the cat was quite cute. It was well groomed with sleek fur and large black eyes that seemed to swirl if you looked too long.
Hisoka greeted the cat, “Hey Lou.”
“Lollypops, right? That’s what the cat is names after?”
Hisoka for the first time since Illumi had known his looked properly embarrassed.
“Um no… He was kind of named after you. I mean like the second syllable of your name… I mean he kind of looks like you, you know. I mean he’s got your eyes.”
Hisoka trails off as they watch the cat approach Illumi. It rubs its head against the side of Illumi’s leg, and Illumi can’t help but think, “Maybe I don’t hate animals after all.”