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Being friends with Lilly again was an exercise in awkward stiltedness. Like, oh hey, you wanted your childhood best friend back, and here she is!! You’ve got her back, but like, do you remember why you stopped talking in the first place? Yeah, the bit where you had a messy breakup with your boyfriend of two years, who is also her big brother whom she loves a whole lot, and then you started dating her ex-boyfriend, the gold-digging clout-chaser, who was only dating her to be near you, so that he could date you and call the paparazzi to take pictures of every date the two of you ever went on. And because of that, your best friend made a hate site about you. And then started dating your other ex-boyfriend. And then you dumped your mutual ex-boyfriend, and the two of you became friends again.
Because if that’s your situation, then things tend to end up somewhere pretty awkward – like, you can hang out with a friend group fine, and have a good fun time, but the two of you alone? Yeah, all that stuff ends up hanging over your head quite a bit.
But still, it’d been around eight months since Mia’d dumped JP, and they’d finished their junior year and the end of summer was barreling towards them at full speed, bringing with it the dreaded Senior Year - and things had settled a good bit: Lilly and Mia were able to be around each other, Lilly and Tina had made up to the point of being at the place they had been, even Lana and Trisha and Lilly had all come to some point of a truce – Lana and Trisha didn’t really talk about shopping, Lilly wouldn’t go on a rant about humanitarian abuses in third world countries where Lana and Trisha’s clothes came from (not even close to being true, Lana and Trisha preferred designer stuff that was made in like, Paris and London and places like that – they weren’t heartless, Lilly, they simply had other interests that didn’t make them depressed, Mia had had to spell out that one really unpleasant Wednesday lunch period).
Everyone was at a place of chill, is the point.
Mia especially, somehow – yes, she’d imploded Genovia’s governmental system, and Parliament was in the middle of setting up an election system to elect a Prime Minister, and also figuring out how, exactly, that Prime Minister’s new role will fit in with the powers that the Crown Prince/ess would work, and her dad was frantically putting through as much legislation through using his friend-Parliament members as proxies as he could, even though, duh, her dad would be elected PM, he’s been running the country for close to twenty years now, and Grandmere was trying her hardest to drive Mia completely insane with her pestering about how much her own lifestyle could be changed, blah blah – but yeah. She’s in a good place.
Granted, part of that is the fact that she hasn’t spent the entire summer in Genovia – only the month of June and three weeks of July there, because her dad and Grandmere were refusing to have to look at her, and the people of Genovia weren’t entirely thrilled to see her, when, again, she’d imploded their governmental system with one speech – so, for the first time in three years, Mia was enjoying a not-small chunk of her summer in New York.
Although it’s weird how much Mia had managed to romanticize being in the city over the summer – she’d forgotten just how unbearably hot the whole place got, not to mention how much heat got trapped in the loft and how hard it could be to stay cool at night – but that was all a whatever. She was happy as hell.
She was also busy with her own time – she’d pitched to her English teacher, Ms Martinez, that for her Senior project, she’d write a novel! A romance novel! And Ms Martinez had said yes! So Mia was reading SO MANY romance books and doing so much research about her time period she was setting this story in – she’d made a whole workbook about all her research that held all her information for her book, and she was already like -- she got so excited to wake up in the morning to keep writing her story.
And she was single, too. Single and happy with it – not that TMZ and Star Magazine were willing to believe that, given how many times she’d apparently been linked to so many celebrities in their issues.
But honestly, being single was actually a pretty good place for her right now – she could focus on her own things, and she managed her own schedule – not counting whenever Grandmere was making her do something – and she had time to herself to do what she wanted, and she was spending so much time with her friends; there was no lying that sometimes she was something like a third wheel, but she honestly just pushed past that feeling, back into her happy place.
She was out of the hole in the ground, and she was in a happy place.
;
And then Lilly brought Michael to a friend-group hangout.
Mia hadn’t even known he was back in the country.
Honestly, Mia knew that Lilly was trying to be a better friend to Mia, but GOD if this didn’t set her back in Mia’s friendship-trust barometer.
Maybe that was a bad boundary to have – Dr Knutz said it wasn’t, that her boundaries were what they were for a reason – but Mia didn’t think it was too much to ask, that she be told that her ex-boyfriend is not only back in the city, but coming to a hangout with her friends that Mia’s going to be in attendance at, especially after a breakup that left Mia in bed for days on end in a depressive state -- getting a head-up isn’t too much to ask.
Mia doesn’t think so.
So anyway, Michael kept a bit of a distance to Mia – she’s pretty sure he only looked at her like, three times the whole afternoon – but she did see him talking to Lars a couple times, so. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, her ex wants to talk to her bodyguard more than her, that’s not something she could find a reason to be ticked off about at all, is it.
Whatever.
The POINT is: Mia saw him without losing her head. She didn’t cry, she didn’t scream, she didn’t beg him to take her back, that she loves him and probably always will – none of that. She clung to her dignity by her nails, but she did it.
;
It has occurred to Mia over the years that Michael’s willingness to chat with Lars over her also says something about their relationship – so she brought it up to Dr Knutz.
“I just feel – I think it’s like, Lars is my adult minder, or something, so you go to him for information about me rather than me myself. Like Lars is my chaperone, and I’m the ten-year-old that you need a parent-teacher conference about.”
Dr Knutz quirked an eyebrow. Mia could tell this wasn’t something he was expecting to hear, when she told him that she’d seen Michael. “Do you feel that people treat you like that? Like someone who is in need of a chaperone?”
Mia considered. Mostly, she considered that she needed to rephrase her statement. “It’s not that I think I need a chaperone – I mean, it’s not like I can make Lars go away when I’m out in the city – it’s more . . . Michael didn’t tell me he was going to Japan until the week before he did. And now he’s back for a minute, and he’s talking to my bodyguard – and I know he’s spoken to my dad, and Lilly – rather than talk to me. Like he needs to get information about me from people other than me. It . . . it makes me feel like, I’m the last person he’s going to turn to, to hear about how I’m doing.”
“Do you think that’s a considerate thought?” Dr K asked, “After all, Michael has spent time around Lars before. You could assume that they are talking about something else. Not to mention, you did say, back when we began, that you weren’t great at verbalizing your feelings to Michael – it took you several days to respond to his emails, when he first moved.”
Mia bit her lip. He had a point, but . . . “But I HAVE been in contact with Michael. We’ve been emailing once a week or so – and he never mentioned he was coming to New York. I had to find out when Lilly brought him along. And yeah, he and Lars are friendly, I guess, but . . I don’t know.” Mia sighed heavily, slouching her shoulders in a way that Grandmere would have a conniption over. Whatever. Grandmere was in France for another two weeks, until school went back. Mia could slouch as much as she wanted. “I want people to tell me things, is what I’m trying to get at, I guess. Give me all the information, so I can make an informed choice. Like, my dad didn’t tell me he was a prince until it because mandatory information for me to have. He didn’t think I needed to know, until me knowing became beneficial to him.”
Dr K cleared his throat. “Your father told me that he and your mother intended to tell you when you were older.”
“Yeah, maybe. But would they have? I mean, they say they’ll do something, that doesn’t mean they will. Mum used to say – before Frank moved in – that she’d pay the electrical bill, but then our power would get shut off. Dad says that Grandmere loves me, but her actions don’t exactly support that. I mean,” Mia was getting worked up – it had never really occurred to her how much it hurt, being left out of so many loops, “they didn’t even tell me what the plan was for Mum and Frank to get married – I found out five minutes before the wedding Grandmere threw them began! I had spent that whole day at Grandmere’s beck and call – I was wearing the bridesmaid’s dress when I found out they’d eloped! Yeah, I get that telling Grandmere wouldn’t have done anything, but they still could’ve told me! I’m their daughter!”
“And it’s not like they’re the only ones that do this – Grandmere does too, and I know I’ll never be able to expect her to do anything else, but it’s – LILLY pulled things like this all the time, before now, even before I was a princess! And especially after – she made me run for student council president, even though I didn’t want to, and even when I demanded an answer or an explanation, she was just like, ‘I Have A Plan’, but she never actually TOLD me what that plan was, until I had a whole BREAKDOWN at school! It’s like, I have to have a whole mental break before anyone seems to realize that, hey, maybe it would be beneficial to MIA if she knew what the plan was!”
“And you feel that being left out of these information loops does you more harm than good.”
“Uh, YEAH.”
“But you’ve said yourself, that when people tell you things, your mind tends to catastrophize the situation, and you become more stressed about it. Or you try to smooth things over – you said that your mother often doesn’t tell you things because she knows you’ll stress over them.”
“That’s still not an excuse for not telling me – isn’t it?”
Dr Knutz considered Mia for a second, before smiling gently, “I think wanting all the information to be yours to know is a very understandable desire. Although –“ He hesitated for half a breath, “Do you think that having all the information about Michael that provoked your breakup – his relocation to Japan, as well as his sexual history – do you think that it would have soothed you to know it well in advance, or do you think it was doomed to be a deal-breaker?”
Mia thought on it – she didn’t want to, because GOD if it wasn’t a topic she EVER wanted to think about, but . . .
“It might’ve been,” she said in a quiet voice. “I mean, we’ll never really know, but . . . I think it might’ve ended up breaking us up – not the Judith Gershner thing, I think I’d have gotten over that, if I’d known about it in advance, but – I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle a long-distance relationship with Michael, where I was, mentally.”
“Would that have been because you don’t think you could’ve sustained the romantic relationship, or would it have been something else?”
“I . . .” Mia sighed, resting her head against her fist, leaning her arm on the sofa arm she was sitting on. She crossed her legs at the knee – another Grandmere no-no, but ugh, who cares? “I would’ve romanticized it. I would’ve built up our relationship into something bigger and more, I don’t know, cinematic? Than it was, and then whenever I DID see Michael . . . he probably wouldn’t’ve been able to live up to it.”
Talk about a bitter pill to have to swallow – Mia’d thought it before, but BOY OH BOY if it hadn’t hit her like a ton of bricks, the first time she’d realized that. Thank her dad for that realization, too – another Sunday dinner, Grandmere complaining about the political atmosphere of Genovia, how it’s all Mia’s fault, etcetera, fortunately, Viggo had come over from Genovia for something-Mia-can’t-remember-what, and Mia and her Dad had escaped out to the balcony. It hadn’t escaped Mia that there was a sense of déjà-vu, that night, to the night that her Dad had inspired her to really go for Michael – that December evening, Grandmere with Sebastiano, Mia in the throes of a love she thought unreciprocated. It didn’t quite go the way the last time did though, given that her Dad had pointed out all the stuff about Mia’s personality vs Michael’s and how their relationship didn’t work – all of which she was relating back to Dr Knutz.
Because that was the big thing with Dr Knutz – recognizing what her personality traits were that could cause friction in relationships: and Mia’s was her Big Fat Trait of wanting her life to be a romance novel.
Could you blame her?
Her whole life, she’d never felt like the pretty girl (for God’s sake, she’d had LANA in her life since she was in middle school!), she’d never felt like the smart girl (Lilly had had that role locked down since pre-school); but if there was one thing she could be, it was the girl with the big heart. Dr Knutz had had needed several sessions to draw that thought out of her, but once he had, Mia couldn’t stop thinking about it.
She was the Girl That Cared (Too Much). Well, if anyone was going to become that, it was going to be Mia – raised by Helen Thermopalis, artist, Democrat, friends with political activists and marcher of protests (one of Mia’s earliest memories is being in a protest – she can’t remember what for, but she does remember chanting, picket signs and crowds of people all around). She’s the Girl That Cares, cares about the environment, about animals, about people and human rights, about pollution and people and safety issues and how to survive the worst case scenario. That’s her Thing.
And she cares about romance! She loves romance, she loves romantic movies – and she wants that kind of romance in her life. Yeah, she wants the romantic ‘normal’ stuff too – making out while her parents were out of the loft, vegging out in front of the TV with a Star Trek marathon, going out to Number One Noodle Son with friends as a date – but she wants the romantic movie-moments too! She wanted to lose her virginity on her Prom Night – the epitome of high school romance moments – for the reason that it IS supposed to be a romantic moment!
And she wanted it for that – she wanted that with Michael, specifically.
She loved Michael. Loves Michael. Loved Michael. Past tense, present tense – she isn’t really sure anymore. But she wanted that special, romantic moment with him, it’s what she wanted with him. But there was also the fact that her Prom-night-sex for the first time was something she and Tina had agreed to when they were in Freshman year – or was it Sophomore year? She couldn’t really remember – and, well. How did sticking to that desire, of the perfect Night To Lose Her Virginity to her True Love end?
Tears in the back of a cab, with a necklace thrown in his face.
Where was she going with this?
Oh, right.
“Is it too much, to want the romantic moments like in the movies?”
Dr K shrugged. “I don’t think so, but I do think that it’s important to consider the likelihood of those moments coming to pass with your boyfriend – you have to consider his personality too. Wasn’t that the draw of JP, according to your friends? That he was willing to do the ‘romantic moments’ like the movies?” He literally did air-quotes around ‘romantic moments’. Mia took a second to stare at the painting above him on the wall. Not because she liked it, or that it was a particularly arresting image for the eye – wild horses running across the plains, being chased by some cowboys – GOD if Dr K wasn’t a cowboy and a half – but because sometimes she wondered how much of a distraction it might cause for their sessions if that thing were to fall off the wall and conk Dr K on the head. Enough to speed up to the end?
If you can’t tell, this is Mia’s go-to wish when Dr K is asking her questions she doesn’t want to answer.
“JP was a giant fake, Dr K.”
Dr Knutz arched an eyebrow at her obvious evasion. “Yes. But he was convincing to you and your friends for a reason. He saw what you wanted – at the time, perhaps needed, on some level – and he played on that. Isn’t that something similar to what your family and friends and Michael have done: played on your desire to not know about the messier aspects of things, and so they spare you, if sometimes to your detriment?”
Mia gaped. “Say again?”
“Do you think you’ve found yourself drawn to people that might feel a duty to keeping information from you, because they believe it’s in your best interest – or their interest – to keep that information from you,” Mia stared, dumbfounded, as Dr K kept going: “The version of yourself that you present to the world around you informs how people treat you, Mia. And what I’ve found, during our meetings, if that while you are a smart, capable young woman – with your own issues, of course, otherwise you wouldn’t be here with me – the version of yourself that you’re comfortable showing your friends and family is one that they’ve already decided is a part of you they’re going to respond to – with Lilly, you were, well, something of a doormat for a good long while. So Lilly kept information from you because she may have felt that it simply wasn’t necessary for you to have it – you’d capitulated every time before then, so why stop now?”
“With your father and mother, that may simply be because they see you as their daughter, and as someone who worries about them, because – and don’t deny it – you feel that they don’t worry about themselves quite enough. Or at least, not to the extent that you worry about things – which for you, is the right amount of worry. So your mother and father keep information from you, because they simply want you to keep from being more concerned about them, because, frankly, they are adults, and they have experience and knowledge you don’t – and therefore their understanding of situations is not the same as yours. They won’t react to things the same way.”
“As for Michael – well, like Lilly, I haven’t met him. But, going from your own comments, and those of your father and grandmother and mother, it does seem to me that you . . . put him on something of a pedestal in your mind – the idea of the perfect boyfriend, the only one you could have – the only one you wanted. And that’s perfectly fine – after all, having only one person to want is generally a good way to stay monogamous. But it also puts Michael in a position above you, in the relationship. He was the one driving your relationship. You may have made the first move, but he completed it. And he, himself, apparently didn’t feel like he was enough for you – I know you don’t feel that being a princess is anything special, Mia, but I can assure you that it very much is. I’ll keep saying that until you believe it -- and it’s important that you do, given that Michael certainly felt insecure about being with a princess, to the point of taking his job in Japan.”
“Mia, frankly, your issue is a mix of your own perception of yourself and how you interact with the world, and therefore how you present yourself, which effects how people treat you; and the fact that you, for a good long time, refused to see both the silver lining to your position as a princess, and the effects and prestige your position has also given you. You need to recognize all of that, Mia, before you’re going to make headway.”
Mia stared, blank-eyed. She was trying to comprehend everything Dr Knutz had just said because, well, that was quite the paragraph. Paragraphs? Whatever. It was a bunch of stuff that she didn’t want to let go out the other ear.
Dr K seemed to realize this, because even though they still had five minutes to go, he sent her home.
;
But when Mia got home, it was a different story – his words had finally finished sinking in, and frankly, she wanted to get back in the car, go back to Dr K’s office, and demand more answers.
Of course, she wouldn’t be able to do that until tomorrow, so instead she got to stew in her own thoughts for a night.
Ugh.
But . . . she also couldn’t deny that Dr K had something of a point – about how she presented herself, especially to Lilly and Michael, as well as how being kept out of knowing things – either because of their decisions or not – really hurt, not just because of Mia’s stress, but because it –
It made her feel distrusted.
Like, what, she wasn’t good enough to confide in?
That’s a horrible thing to feel.
But it was how Lilly made her feel, sometimes.
It’s how Michael – in hindsight – was making her feel, sometimes.
What a shitty way to feel.
;
Fortunately, a distraction came the early the next morning – Tina inviting her over to hang out.
Sadly, however, Mia’d still spent the entire night before with her brain on a loop about what Dr Knutz had said – not to mention, trying to process how she still felt about Michael. Her journal had never seen so many scribbled-out sentences before.
It was like . . . she was still in love with Michael – she’d been in love with him since she was, what, thirteen? (Yeah, she’s said before that she’s loved him forever, but let’s be real here, romance-hormones don’t kick in till puberty. She was thirteen, at the YOUNGEST.) No matter what JP would’ve wanted, you don’t get over those kinds of feelings overnight – or in Mia’s case, less than a calendar year after the Messiest Of Breakups. You just don’t.
But she also isn’t going to lie to herself, either – she used to be almost OBSESSED with Michael: even just skimming her old journal books, it’s evident.
And she can’t – she can’t bring that feeling back. If she still loved him like she did, wouldn’t she be able to? Wouldn’t she be able to feel the butterflies in her stomach that just thinking about him used to cause? Wouldn’t she be able to feel her heart start beating faster, when she saw him that day at Number One Noodle Son with the rest of their friends?
But she couldn’t. And her heart hadn’t.
She didn’t think it was like, the depression had broken that sort of thing out of her – maybe it had dulled those sorts of emotions, but they couldn’t really be gone. She refused to think that, that Michael and JP had taken her romantic heart away from her, on top of her peace of mind and her dignity.
So it had to be – it just had to be – that Mia didn’t still feel that way for Michael.
Maybe she would, one day. In the future. Like with Lilly – for a few months of their tentative reparation of their friendship, Mia wasn’t sure that she’d ever feel really happy to see and be around Lilly again: but now, she looked forward to seeing Lilly in the mornings for school, and when she knew that Lilly would be joining Mia and Tina and Shameeka and Ling Su and Perin for a movie night.
(Although, Mia did still have thoughts that they’d never get back to where they had been – water might be going under the bridge, but that was the same bridge that had been flooded for a while, and erosion had been made. And Mia could spend time with Lilly, but . . . she doubted she’d ever really trust her like that again.)
But Mia’s feelings for Michael? They were something bittersweet, these days. Sweet, for the memories of the good times and how happy he’d made her, but all those memories were coated in a layer of bitterness.
Does knowing how something ends ruin the memories of the happiness that led to the end?
(Yes.)
(No.)
(For Mia, it seems to be a yes.)
;
Tina’s bedroom was still as big as it had been, that first sleepover they’d had Freshman year after a week of friendship. It was still pink and cream, it was still decorated like a fluffy nest of cushions, romance novels and magazines still lined the walls, Tina’s closet was still full of clothing in styles that flattered her plus-size body and complemented the scarves Tina wore as hijab’s –
And Mia was staring at Tina like she’d never seen her before in her life.
She’s lost her virginity to BORIS PELKOWSKI, of all people??
Sure, it does make some sense – they’d been dating close to two years, they when with each other on their family holidays during school breaks, they made out whenever they could (which, thanks guys, totally what Mia wants to see when she turns to you at the movie theatre). Tina definitely made Boris happier than Lilly ever had, but like –
“What about Prom night?” Mia blurted out in the face of Tina’s guilty expression. Because that had been their deal – Mia, Tina and Lilly. Lose the v-card on Prom Night, on a queen size bed at the Four Seasons Hotel, with champagne before the event and waffles with chocolate-dipped strawberries for breakfast the morning after. Not . . . however Lilly’d lost hers to Kenneth, and not, apparently, sneaky-like after her parents had gone to sleep at Martha’s Vineyard like Tina had, three weeks ago.
Tina sighed hard enough her chest deflated a bit. “I know, I know-“ she sounded guilty, of all emotions, “But, he was always in his swim suit, and I promise, I promise, I tried to keep it together, but – it was too much. I just – well, we did. I jumped his bones.” Tina threw up her hands, her lips squashed together into a line like, ‘What can I say?’
Uh, she could say what the appeal was. Look, Mia’s aware that Boris has undergone something of a transformation since their Freshman year, from nottie to a hottie, even now with annoying violin groupies that worship him and beg for his autograph whenever he appears in recital halls, but – Mia’s known him since middle school, okay. Maybe she’d be able to buy whatever his appeal is if she hadn’t known him back when he’d had braces and magnifying-glass glasses and tucked his sweaters into his pants and dated Lilly, she’d see it.
But she can’t.
He’s like a brother, or something, to her, okay? She thinks of him something similar to how she thinks about Rocky – maybe one day there’ll be a reason for girls to find him attractive, but it’s not gonna be any day soon. Give it a decade and a half, or something.
Whatever! She’s not participating, ever, and she’d prefer to live in denial of them even doing it!
Tina took Mia flabberghast-ment as something else, however. “Don’t worry, Mia,” she said, her big dark eyes wide, “We were totally safe – and we have been, every time since,” (Because of course, they’d been having sex ever since that first time, that’s what you do, isn’t it. Not that Mia would know. Ha ha.) “You know neither of us has ever been with anybody else. And I’ve been on the Pill since I was fourteen, because of my dysmenorrhoea.”
Yeah, because Tina did have that, didn’t she? Mia’d honestly forgotten. Tina used to get out of PE because of it every month.
Tina licked her bottom lip nervously. “So . . . you don’t think I’m a slut for not waiting until prom?”
That got Mia to react: “What? Tina, oh my god, No! Why would I?”
Tina winced. “I just . . . I wasn’t sure. I mean, we had our plan, and then . . you and Michael . .” Mia winced. And then Mia and Michael. It was a sentiment that came up every so often, when her coupled-up friends talked about the future. “And I’ve kind of ruined it because I couldn’t wait, but now Michael’s back-“
“To visit his family, Tina.” Mia interjected. “He’s not here for me.”
Tina looked crestfallen. “Yeah, but . . you guys could talk –“
“Which he didn’t do, when Lilly brought him with us to eat. He barely looked at me. He talked to Lars.”
“Wait, so . . . do you want to talk to him, Mia? About the two of you?” Tina sounded like she expected the only answer for Mia to give was a resounding ‘yes’.
“I mean . .” Mia began slowly, “I do want to talk to him, but that doesn’t mean that we’d get back together, Tina.”
“Why not?” her friend demanded. Tina sounded like she thought the answer was obvious – another love confession, a date or two before Michael went back to Japan, long-distance dating/pining for their senior year, followed by a wedding before graduation.
Like a romance novel.
Mia broke Tina’s narrative.
“Because . . . I’m not sure I want to get back together with him.”
Tina looked as heartbroken by that sentence as Mia had been when she broke up with Michael, all those months ago. “Mia - Michael still loves you-“
“And I still love him, Tee. But . . . but what if that’s all we have in common? We’re at two completely different points in our lives – and my life at seventeen is so wildly different from his. Not being together is better than what we were doing – lying to ourselves that we could make it work right now. Maybe in five years, if we’re still friends and adults, we could try again. Maybe in ten. But not right now.” Even saying is aloud, Mia could feel her eyes starting to sting with tears. She squeezed her eyes shut, to keep them from falling.
“I’m tired, Tina. I love Michael, obviously – I’ve loved him since I was thirteen! But . . . I’m so tired. I want to move on from him. You moved on from your first love – remember Dave? Lilly’s moved on from her two first loves – JP might be a rat, but she did love him. God, even Lana got over Josh. Is it . . Is it okay for me to get over Michael?”
Tina moved right next to Mia on the couch, and wrapped her up in a big hug. “Yeah, Mia. It’s totally okay. I’m sorry I didn’t realize this was all bothering you so much.”
Mia gave a watery laugh. “It’s okay – I mean, I’m pretty good at making people not see what’s bothering me until I explode, right?”
“Yeah,” Tina said, pulling away as Mia wiped at her tears.
;
You know how people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Or go wander? Well, somehow, Mia’s managed both, in a way. Wander – she let JP dupe her for a quick minute before catching wise, yay her; grow fonder – she can’t say for certain, but Michael looks So Much Better than he did before he went away.
Mia can’t tell if it’s just that he’s grown a bit more into his looks, or the fact he’s clearly been working out more than he used to (which was, like, none at all); but he looks great.
Meanwhile, Mia honestly looks like something of an exhausted raccoon – even after her heart-to-heart with Tina, she still slept like crap. And two nights in a row of sleeping like crap tends to leave its mark – in Mia’s case, in the form of great big bags under her eyes that NO concealer can properly cover. She knows. She tried.
Ugh.
But yeah, Michael is out here being a snack and a half, and Mia looks like a sandwich someone threw in the trash that got dug out by a squirrel.
Or at least, that’s the comparison she’s feeling.
Maybe she’s just really, really tired. Her coffee didn’t work AT ALL this morning. Nor did the one she had with lunch.
So, yeah. Here she is, at the Moscovitz’s apartment, with all the friends she mutually has with the Moscovitz siblings, and things are still on the weird side with Lilly and Michael’s family, their Nana Moscovitz being the one member that has no uncomfortable energy with Mia at all, which makes no sense, given how much she loves her grandkids, and the members of Michael’s old band Skinner Box – the ones still in the city and not in rehab, given that there’s a bit of alcohol flowing that the teenagers have been allowed to dip into - and Tina and Boris are both here and Mia can’t really look at them straight on, what with Tina spilling their laundry basket of secrets into Mia’s lap.
It’s a whole energy in there that Mia can’t really stomach, so despite Lars being around, Mia slips outside the boisterous apartment into the much quieter hallway.
She isn’t really planning on leaving, but she needs a couple minutes completely to herself – if she’d told Lars what she’s doing, he’d follow her, and she can’t get solitude inside the apartment – Lilly’s room is kind of off-limits to Mia emotionally these days, she just can’t bring herself to go in there without Lilly; and she can forget even setting foot at the threshold of Michael’s old room – so the hallway it is.
Mia took a sip of the wine she’d been given – a light rose’, not something she’d be offered as complementary to the meal’s Grandmere used to serve at Miragnac, back before Mia was a princess, but a drink she’d often had at the palace functions, in the time since.
(The reason she’d given Lana and Josh back in Freshman year still held true – wine complements French food far better than any kind of soda or fruit drink. Mia, despite her youth, has quite the palate.)
The hallway was darkened, and quite. Perfect.
But was someone coming into the hallway? The Moscovitz’s door just opened.
And shut.
It was Michael.
Shit.
He didn’t look surprised to see her in the hallway, though. He looked – Mia didn’t know. Calm? Serene? Chill? Another word for the same emotional state? Whatever. The point is, he’s looking very put together, all neatly-dressed in a dark blue button-up shirt with dark grey pants and men’s dress shoes. His dark hair is a little longer, but neat. He looks very adult.
He looks like someone well outside Mia’s league – sure, she’d dressed for the party with input from Lana, in Gucci mules and vintage black empire-waist handkerchief dress, with the cute flowers embroidered on the skirt and hem. She feels cool, grown-up in her clothes. Not necessarily princessy, but maybe an adult, chilling on the weekend.
But she feels like a child playing dress-up, standing to Michael.
She always feels like someone pulling an imitation, next to Michael. Like someone trying to pretend they can stand next to the actual adults, actually sit at the adult table, even though they can’t keep up with the conversation.
Maybe that was their problem all along.
She was never going to grow up, when she had his arm over her shoulder. The last remnant of actually getting to be just a Normal Mia, before Princess Amelia came into her life.
“Hey,” she said softly, finally making eye contact with her ex.
“Hi.” His voice was exactly as she’d remembered – warm, affectionate. But wary. Fair enough.
“Your parents know how to throw a party, don’t they?” That got a chuckle out of Michael.
“Yeah, they do. I’m pretty sure the only reason we haven’t had a noise complaint yet is because they’ve invited all the neighbours who’d post one, plus the doorman.” It was true – Mia’d seen all of them inside. She laughed softly, not wanting to split the calm silence of the hallway.
Michael, taking it as the offering it was, came closer. Mia leaned her back against the wall, and Michael came up next to her.
“You look good,” he said.
“Right back at you.” Was all she said right back. Mia put her gaze back to her glass – she’s need a refill soon. She could feel Michael’s eyes on her face – her eyelids, where Lana’d done her makeup, on her mouth, slicked-up with a dusky pink gloss – not to make her lips look kissable, but simply because she liked the colour. She hadn’t dressed for the party to try and make Michael see what he was missing, not really. She’d wanted to look good.
Michael’s eyes had come to a rest on her collarbones, where her snowflake necklace used to rest. She was bearing a necklace with a daisy charm on it.
Mia turned back to him, letting her eyes soften at his brown ones. She never could tell what was going on in his head, when she was unsure of herself. If she was honest, she was sure she’d just projected whatever she wanted to see.
There had been love, she knew. There had been humour, there had been happiness.
Now? Now, there was a hint – she thought – a wistfulness.
“I missed you,” Michael whispered.
“I missed you too.”
“I –“ He faltered, then stopped. I still love you.
“I don’t think I could ever date you again,” Mia said, her voice decidedly not a whisper. But it was firm. Unfaltering.
Did I stutter? No. No she didn’t.
Michael reared back, shocked. “Wha – what?”
Mia smiled gently. “It’s a thought I’ve been having, since my therapist and I had a session, a couple days ago. He’s big on me acknowledging where I’ve screwed up my own life, and where I was the problem in our relationship.”
Michael seemed to calm, to settle. I’ll hear you out. But he didn’t say a word, just . . . letting her speak.
How refreshing. (Not really. Letting her speak is what caused their breakup, remember?)
“I projected onto you everything I wanted in a boyfriend, even when I knew that your personality and wants and interests didn’t align. I wanted a boyfriend as much as I wanted you, but I did very much want a boyfriend. Kenneth and I proved that – if I’d just been holding out for you, I wouldn’t have hurt him the way I did.
I wouldn’t have wished so desperately for you to take me to your prom – I wouldn’t have insisted on a perfect first time. I would’ve taken you as you were.”
“But I didn’t tell you – I didn’t let you know all I was,” Michael interjected gently. He seemed to be getting at what she was saying.
“To our relationship’s detriment. I do love you still, Michael. But . . . I don’t think I could do it again. If I were to go back in time and do our relationship over with what I know now – I. I think we’d break up when the sex question first came up.” Michael flinched, hard. “Because – you wanted that. I wasn’t ready then – I wasn’t ready when I tried to force it. I don’t – I don’t think I’m ready now, even. If I were to do it all over, I’d let you go.”
Michael slid down the wall, coming to a rest on the floor. Processing, nothing so dramatic as being shocked by her words – he seemed to be reacting to her the same way she’d reacted to Dr Knutz the other day.
Mia sat down too, taking another drink. Waiting.
Michael looked back over at her – there was maybe half a foot between them on the floor.
“Is that what you think?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah,” she responded.
Michael worried his lip, fidgeting with his fingers in that way his did, picking at the skin on his knuckles. “I think that’s fair. There’s so much – I can’t stop thinking over it all. Thinking, I went right there, I could’ve turned left. I made a joke instead of being serious. I suggested something else instead of digging in further to what you were saying. I didn’t tell you about Judith – do, do you think it would’ve turned out different if I had?”
“Before you did? Maybe. But you didn’t. And I think I was right to be upset.” Michael just nodded – she was right, and they both knew it.
Mia would bet dollars to doughnuts that Lilly had told him about what she’d said, that day in the bathroom at school, after Mia dumped JP. That Judith might not have mattered to Michael, but it did to Mia – that she deserved to have all that information. She’d deserved to know, when he knew how important her first time, and everything surrounding it, was to her – to have the romance novel first time.
“I don’t think I could ever date you again,” Mia repeated quietly. There was still so much between them, so much she could still say, but.
She didn’t want to.
She wanted the quiet, if for the moment.
Michael, who’d always understood her until he didn’t, got that. He kept picking at his right index finger’s knuckle. Mia gently pulled his hand away, bringing his hand and gaze to her. She kissed the knuckle softly, a sweet press of her lips. Don’t do that.
Michael smiled weakly, letting Mia drop his hand. He stood, and gave her his hand to pull her upright.
“You go inside first.” His voice was gentle, his eyes sad, and yet – relieved? Like her words had meant as much to him as they had to her.
;
Mia left the party alone, with only Lars and Hans as her company back to Greenwich Village.
New York City’s lights were bright and beautiful that night.