Chapter Text
Steven groaned into his hands as he struggled to maintain his form. He was just so scared. He could feel something deep within his very core struggling to be let free. His own gem was betraying him, and deep down, he knew why. He was still denying himself of something he was beginning to realize was true; he was a monster. He felt a small surge in power, but resisted it. He just needed to leave. He had to go somewhere quiet and collect his thoughts.
“You know what? I don’t have to deal with this!” He clenched his fists tightly as he struggled to keep control over his own unstable, twisted powers. He kept his gaze to the ground in an attempt to reign in his emotions, but soon found himself blocked off from the exit of the temple by Amethyst and Pearl.
“Hold up, dude.” Amethyst’s own gaze met his own as she held out her arms. She thought she could help him. He could see it in her eyes; it was the exact look he had given so many people before. He didn’t need her help. He was fine. He just needed some time.
“Steven,” Garnet suddenly spoke up behind him, “you have to stop running.” He threw a confused glance back at her. He wasn’t running… Was he?
“Please” Greg added with concern evident in his expression. Steven pushed his hands to his face as he began to lose himself to his gem again. They were wrong; all of them. He was fine. He tried to think more, but his own thoughts were cut off. He cried out in pain as he felt his face morph and swell.
“Steven! We should get you back to the hospital.” Steven took a moment to breathe before meeting Connie’s words.
“Hospital?!” Pearl and Amethyst rang out in worry. Steven clenched his fists tighter. “When were you in the hospital?!” Pearl followed up as her eyes widened in fear. He pushed against his face as if that would make it maintain its form. Why were they making this so difficult?!
“You didn’t tell them?!” He looked back to Connie. What right did she have to scold him for not telling family members about things. She didn’t even tell her own mother that he had proposed! She hurt him so much, and she never even told anyone! Now, he just wanted to hurt her, like she hurt- No… No! What was he thinking?! Steven groaned as he tried to understand where his vengeful emotions were coming from. He felt himself on the verge of tears, but he had to keep going. He couldn’t have them all so worried about him.
“It wasn’t that important, you guys!” He defended himself and tried to put them all at ease. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing!” He plastered on a fake smile. “Have I done some things wrong? Sure! I trashed the house today.” He began counting on his fingers. “I broke an anvil… What teenager hasn’t?” He added on with a painfully fake smile. He looked towards Pearl, Amethyst, and Connie. They all looked so angry now. Why did they look so angry? “Dad and I had a little disagreement, but that’s practically a right of passage!” He continued to defend himself while trying to appease the gems. He just had to go somewhere else, somewhere away from everyone.
“I mean, it would be weird if we didn’t, right?” He questioned himself while glancing back to take in their expressions. “And maybe I’ve had a not so nice thought or two about.. You know, slamming White Diamond’s head through a pillar, but it’s not like I actually went through with it!” He laughed at himself as he tried to calm down. What was he saying? Why was he telling them this? “I only actually shattered Jasper!”
“What?!” Amethyst yelled out as the rest of the room gasped. His mind struggled in catching up to what he had just said. All he really knew was the fear and disbelief he could see in their eyes.
“You-You’re joking, right?” Connie blurted out in disgust. Why did she look so grossed out by him? He… He knew shattering Jasper was wrong, but he didn’t mean to!
“Oh, don’t worry! I fixed that too!” He replied with a smile. “I can fix anything! I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever! You’ll never have to know or think about any of it…” He paused as he realized the weight of his own words.
“Steven!” Garnet called and reached her hand out in concern, which served to shock Steven out of his rant. What was going on? He had been so focused on burying all those things he did, those horrible things, that he had trapped himself in a loop of denial. How had he not realized how wrong he was sooner? He wheezed as he had to force himself to take in a breath.
“How messed up is that? That I’ve gotten away with this for so long? You have no idea how bad I am?” They couldn’t help him anymore. He was too far gone. He knew that he was beyond their gentle words and kind hugs. He was a monster, and it took him this long to realize it himself. “You think I’m so great! I’m so mature, and I always know what to do!” He took a shallow breath in and spread out his hands.
“But that’s not true! I haven’t learned a thing from my problems They’ve all just made me worse…” Steven finally understood what he was. “You think of me as some angel, but I’m not that kid any more!” He was finally able to stop denying what he was. He internally chuckled to himself, at least he wasn’t lying anymore.
“I’m a fraud.” He felt his breath run short and his knees give out. He just couldn’t pretend anymore. He had shattered Jasper! He tried to shatter White Diamond! Just moments ago, he wanted to hurt Connie. Even right now, he could feel strong impulses to hurt, or even shatter, everyone in the room. What was wrong with him?! “I’m a fraud.” He repeated as he drew in sharp, painful breaths.
He could feel his gem trying to take over. It was trying to make his physical body reflect what he truly was, a monster. He trembled as it felt like his skin was boiling, aching to expand and morph.
“No, no no!” He cried out. Was this corruption? He fought desperately for each breath as he tried to remain in control. Only all of the diamonds power together could fix corruption… If he was the corrupted one, how would anyone ever fix him? It was a fate he deserved, he could admit that much, but what if he destroyed everyone around him? He didn’t want to! He already caused them enough trouble with all the horrible things he’d already done. He didn’t want to hurt them anymore… “I’m a monster, but I don’t want to be…” His eyes began to tear profusely as he fought the pain that blosomed from his gem.
“Steven!” Garnet called out his name again, and suddenly, he felt her hand touch his shoulder.
“No, Garnet! Get away! All of you! I’m only going to- AAAGH!” He completely collapsed onto the ground as he clutched onto his gem. This wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. This was supposed to be everyone’s happy ending, and he was ruining it. “I should-” He choked as his lungs refused to draw in more air. “I shouldn’t exist.” He wheezed out.
His only reason for existence was to help. If he couldn’t help, if he could only harm, there was no reason to exist as he saw it. With one finale wheeze, his vision went black.
Steven let a small groan as he carefully sat up from his spot on the ground. His hands reached out and propped himself up on the rocky ground. As he slowly opened his eyes, small black specks covered his vision but soon began to vanish. As he finally regained his vision, he noticed the area around him. It was a large cave that looked out onto a very familiar beach.
“What?” He whined as he gradually stood up on shaky legs. “Where am I?” He looked behind him and deeper into the cave only to become more confused. In front of him, he could see the door the led to all the different rooms of the temple and the warp pad that previously existed within his home. He took another glance at the area around him, and realized it was where his house used to stand.
His body began to light up pink as he started to panic. “N-No. You have to calm down!” He cursed himself over his adverse reaction. He slowly drew in short breaths that seemed to come much easier than when everyone surrounded him. “Wait… Where is everyone?!” He quickly jumped from the hollow where his house previously stood and ran down the beach.
“Garnet?! Amethyst?!” He called out desperately as he tore across the sand. “Connie?! Dad?! P-Pearl?!” He had to get to beach city. He couldn’t help but feel an imposing sense of dread. What if he was the reason for their disappearance? What if he- “No, calm down.” He repeated to himself as he finally reached the town. He couldn’t afford to break down again. If… If he did something to everyone, he had to fix it. The first thing he noticed was the fence that now surrounded the beach. He remembered the gems said that they previously had one up, but it was taken down shortly after he was born...
He felt a light relief settle in his chest as he was met with an undestroyed Beach City. He looked out to where Little Homeworld should be, only to see the forest and fields that it had taken the place of. “Where is it?” He clenched his fists. He felt so lost. He looked back to the town and saw a few bystanders looking at him curiously. Why were there no gems in the town?
He sprinted into the Big Donut thinking he could ask whoever was working where everything was. “Hey!” He called out urgently as he ran in the door. “Does anyone know where-” He froze mid sentence as his eyes met with Sadie’s and Lar’s. “What are you guys doing here?” He questioned them as he drew in breaths.
“We work here?” Lars answered back looking at him with a mix of confusion and annoyance. Steven looked back at Lars with a raised brow. Why did Lars look so human? His pink hair was no where to be seen, and his skin was a normal peachy tint. He wasn't the pink-washed version that Steven had grown so close too.
“Are you okay, sir? You look troubled…” Sadie looked towards him with worry.
“I- Umm… Do you know my name?” Steven forced himself to ask while he held his trembling hands to his chest.
“I’m sorry, but should I?” Sadie looked genuinely disappointed, meanwhile Lars looked apprehensive.
“Oh- of course!” Steven had to force his hands tightly together to stop them from trembling. “Sorry, I c-came in here the other day. Thought I left more of an impression is all.” He put on a false smile as he faced them.
“I’m very sorry, sir. Is there something you needed?” Sadie looked to the ground in discomfort.
“No-Nope! I’m a-okay!” Steven struggled to keep on his false grin. “Sorry to waste your time… I’ll just be going now.” He turned around and marched out the door.
“That dude seemed like a total nut job.” Lars commented to Sadie once Steven had left.
Before Steven could even wrap his mind around what was happening, he just had to know: Did his dad remember him? Was he even okay?
At that thought, he made his way towards the car wash. He let out a sigh of relief as he noticed his dad was standing out front while washing down some truck. He opened his mouth to call his dad, but he had to stop himself the last second. What if his dad didn’t remember him either? Sadie and Lars didn’t. His entire house was gone, and so was Little Home Town. At this point, his dad not remembering him didn’t seem like a stretch.
As he neared, he steps grew cautious and slow. He took one final breath before finally speaking out. “Hey!” He called out in the friendliest voice he could muster. His dad looked around curiously before finally turning around and making eye contact with Steven.
“Hello, sir.” Greg called out in an equal friendly tone. Steven had to fight off a frown when he heard sir. “Do you need a car washed?” Greg moved away from the car he had been previously washing and made his way towards Steven.
“Uhh, nope…” He paused awkwardly unsure of how to respond. “I-I’m just touring!” He quickly covered the long pause as he rubbed his neck nervously. “I was just checking out the town… All of its residents, you know?”
“Oh, a tourist? Not sure what’s so interesting about a car wash and some old dude like myself, but it’s still nice to meet you. The name’s Greg.” Dad Greg held his hand out in greeting. Steven took it up in his own trying to remain calm.
“You can just call me Steven.” He looked deeply into Greg’s eyes praying one last hope that his name would spark recollection.
“Well, nice to meet you Steven!” Greg ended the hand shake with a painfully friendly smile. Another awkward pause filled the air as Steven struggled to think of a response.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to bother you, but… You’re the singer Mr. Universe, right?” Steven forced himself to forget any hope of jogging his father’s memory. He didn’t want to delude himself more than he already had been recently.
“Oh, geez. I haven’t heard anyone call me that in a while, but I am. Are you a fan?” Greg stuffed his hands in his pockets and blushed a little bashfully.
“I am.” Steven resigned with a sad voice. “I mean, yeah I am! It’s really nice to meet you! You’re my favorite singer. Came here mostly to meet you actually.” The lie rolled of his tongue with ease. Steven had to hold back his tears for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.
“Man, I still can’t believe when fans come out all the way out here to see me. That’s really cool though! If you’ll come back here around 6, I’ll be done with work. I’d love to chat with you some more then. We could even go catch dinner if you’d like!” Greg’s eyes lit up. He looked genuinely ecstatic to be talking to a fan. If nothing else, Steven was happy for bringing his dad that joy.
“Oh, wow. That sounds great! I’ll be back then, Mr. Universe. It was so nice to meet you!” Steven responded while hiding the bitterness and dejection that laced his tone. At that, Greg gave a little wave before making his way back to the car wash. Steven’s unnatural grin quickly changed into a frown as he began to walk in an undetermined direction. His only hope now was the gems, but even that wasn’t looking to good. Without his house which was previously tucked in the temple’s hands, he doubted they remembered him either.
Steven slowly made his way back to the beach. “What is going on?” He mumbled and kicked the sand as he walked. Less than an hour ago, he was on the verge of corruption with no way out. It seemed whatever was going on shocked him out of it, but that still didn’t exactly explain anything. A forlorn sigh escaped his lips while his feet trudged forward.
Once he had made it to back to the temple, the warp pad let off a bright light. Steven’s first instinct was to hide behind the nearest boulder and watch from a distance. If they cared enough to have a fence up, they may not take too kindly to him trotting down the beach. That was, if they didn’t remember him
After the effects of the warp pad wore off, Steven’s jaw dropped as he noticed the group of people left in its wake. “Mom?!” He whispered to himself in utter confusion. On the warp pad, Rose Quartz happily chatted back and forth with Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst. His whole body froze up as he tried to comprehend how she could exist. When Rose last existed, Lars and Sadie would have been toddlers, so he couldn’t merely be in the past. It was as if he just… didn’t exist.
“Is that even possible?” Steven asked himself quietly as he finally emerged from his stupor. He focused his concentration back onto the gems, only to notice they were suddenly gone. “Huh? Where’d they- AHH!” He yelled out in surprise when Pearl suddenly appeared in front of him.
“Do you need something, human? We have a fence up for a reason…” Pearl looked at Steven with an annoyed grimace.
“I… Uhh… Sorry?” Steven backed away from Pearl, but his retreat only resulted in backwards peddling into someone else. “Huh?! Sorry!” He quickly called out as he whipped around, only to pause completely a second later. Rose Quartz was looking back at him with stars in her eyes.
“Oh my! I’ve never met you before. Are you another tourist human or have you just moved here?” Her tone was terribly excited but it also carried a gentleness to it that put him at a strange ease.
“Wha-Oh, yes. I am… Both actually.” He finally noticed Garnet and Amethyst watching him in the back ground, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from his mother.
“Well, it’s so nice to meet you!” She pulled Steven into a gentle hug. He stood completely still for a moment as he processed what was happening. His heart raced erratically, and he hoped Rose couldn’t hear it. However, it didn’t take long for him to return the hug with new found joy. It felt like the hug lasted both an eternity and a mere second all at one. It must’ve lasted too long for Pearl’s liking as she cleared her throat loudly and added a scoff for emphasis.
“You really should not hug everyone you meet, Rose. What if he intended to harm us. What if he intended to harm you?” Pearl chastised the over friendly quartz. Rose finally released Steven from the hug.
“Oh Pearl, you really should lighten up some! He’s just a human. I doubt he could harm any of us, even if he wanted to. Anyway,” Rose turned her attention from Pearl back to Steven. “I’m Rose Quartz. Of course, you can just call me Rose. What would your name be?” Rose’s eyes scanned him with genuine curiosity. All Steven could manage was to stare back.
“Pfft, cat’s got your tongue?” Amethyst snickered as she turned into a cat for emphasis.
“Oh, oh sorry! I just kind of froze up, didn’t I?” Steven laughed awkwardly not wanting to make a bad first impression on his mother. “I’m Steven.” Steven’s expression pulled tight as he tried to meet Rose’s enthusiasm. He was finally able to pull his attention away from his mother and turned his gaze to the gems.
On the bad side, they didn’t recognize him. This was obviously bad. However, on the bright side, they didn’t recognize him. That meant they wouldn’t trap him and try to help him again, right? Steven didn’t know if he could go through that again. As his thoughts drifted back to the present, he noticed they were all staring at him intently.
“Uhh?” He responded intelligently. “Did I miss something?” His heart still seemed to beat much too fast for comfort as he conversed.
“I asked why you are on our beach.” Pearl stated as she lifted her chin high into the air.
“I just wanted to go on a walk?” Steven supplied.
“Can you not read? The sign said this is restricted area.” Pearl watched him with an unamused glare.
“No?” He responded without missing a beat. “Wait, sorry I meant I just didn’t see it,” he added on with a strained chuckle.
“Uh-huh.” Pearl seemed unphased.
“This one’s weird!” Amethyst snorted out a laugh.
“Well, I think he’s sweet!” Rose defended Steven with a slight huff. “They are right though. This beach is dangerous for creatures such as yourself. It’s probably safest that you stay off of it.” Rose’s grin turned into a sympathetic frown. Steven chanced one more look at the rest of the gems. Despite Pearl’s efforts, Garnet seemed to be giving Steven the most intense stare of them all. Steven felt his skin prickle as he broke the stare and looked to the ground.
“Oh, alright. I’ll just be going then.” He wasted no time in turning around and speed walking back to Beach City. He groaned in frustration upon reaching the unrestricted beach areas. His heart still hadn’t calmed, and his breaths were coming in small bursts. Trying to distract himself, he felt his pockets for his phone. Pleased with finding it, he pulled it out and checked the time. “3:14…” He mentioned to himself. That meant he had around 3 hours to kill until he could go see his dad Greg.
Thankfully his phone was able to connect to the internet in whatever odd alternate dimension he was in. If all of the things that happened weren’t so vivid, he would be convinced it was a dream at this point. However, he knew it was not which served to depress him more than he would admit.
The first search he did was for the date. He stared in disbelief at his phone’s screen. It read November 4, 2013. He felt his heart drop when he realized the implications of this date. He should be around… Rose shouldn’t exist; he should. He dropped to his knees and stared at his phone in disbelief.
After a long time of silence, he finally spoke up to himself. “This is what I wanted, right? It’s like I didn’t exist… Yeah, yeah this can work. This can be better, even…” Steven tried his best to assure himself, but he still felt a heavy weight on his chest. “This time, I can save everyone. I can fix things that I broke before.” A smile worked it’s way onto Steven’s face, but a single tear betrayed his demeanor as it rolled down his cheek.
“I just need to get close with the gems again, and dad… and mom too now, I guess… and Connie. Wait, gosh can I still be friends with Connie? I’m 16 and she’s 12… I can still be friends with her, just probably not anything more.” Steven ran his hands through his hair. “This is all so complicated…”
“But, maybe it’s a good complicated? I’m not sure yet..” He considered his situation out loud. “Maybe I can just go to sleep, and it will be a bad dream.” Steven knew that wasn’t true. He knew this felt way too real. His eyes fluttered as his body felt heavy. He hadn’t felt so tired before, but now, his entire body felt like lead. It made sense. He’d been on an adrenaline rush since he tried to help out Little Homeworld. He didn’t even feel like he deserved to rest, but his body needed it. Although, sand probably wasn’t the best bed.
Steven made his way onto the hill that stood over the temple, found the softest patch of grass, and laid down. He made sure to set the alarm on his phone to 5:45 so he wouldn’t miss his meeting with Dad Greg. Then, he closed his eyes and began to drift off. “I can work with this. It’ll probably work out best this way. Never thought I’d live in a Stevenless world…” He mumbled sleepily before succumbing to his tired body. At that moment, Steven knew that he was fine.