Work Text:
Vlad was decidedly impressed when he saw that his next appointment for the day was with Daniel Fenton. Typically, when the boy wanted to challenge Vlad’s latest ‘evil scheme’ he’d burst in and start shouting. This showed some forethought that had absolutely come from his mother’s side of the family.
“Daniel,” he said with a grin. “Please, close the door and have a seat.” Danny did, with a surprising lack of protest. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”
Danny took a deep breath in. Vlad wondered which of his so-called schemes Danny had uncovered this time.
“Will you teach me Russian?”
That… wasn’t any of them. “Excuse me?”
“Ugh, fine. Will you teach me Russian, please?” Danny huffed, crossing his arms.
Vlad had dreamed of the day Danny would ask him to train him since the boy turned him down that first time. As they grew apart, that dream had seemed more and more unlikely – and yet, here they were.
With one glaring flaw.
“What makes you believe I know Russian?” Vlad asked.
Danny rolled his eyes. “Uh, your name is Vlad and your ghost form looks like it crawled out of Transylvania? It’s not exactly calculus.”
“I believe the term is ‘rocket science.’”
“Whatever. Look,” Danny sighed, and ran a hand down his face. “I tried looking stuff up online, but then there was that whole thing with Technus and the duolingo owl escaping the internet, so that was a bust. I know you know it, and I know you want to teach me other junk, so will you do this one thing, with no strings attached, please?”
“Of course,” Vlad said automatically. “I’m just curious as to why you want to learn Russian.”
“…You have to know English and Russian to be an astronaut.”
Vlad smiled. “Of course. Clear your schedule for Monday after school, and enlist your little friends to handle any ghostly interference. We’ll meet at my mansion.”
“Wait, seriously?” Danny said, standing up. “You’ll do it? And you won’t be weird about it?”
“Of course, Daniel,” Vlad replied. “We’ll consider this a trial run so you can get a feel for my methods, and I can see how you learn best. It’s clearly not in a classroom setting, if your grades are anything to go by.”
“Annnd I am leaving now, goodbye.” Danny said, automatically switching to his ghost form. He floated out of the chair. “See ya, Vlad. You’d better not turn around and attack my dad after this.”
“I would never hurt my biggest political supporter,” Vlad said. “And use the door, Daniel. My assistant saw you come in.”
“Oh. Right.” He returned to his human form and dropped, landing on his feet beside the chair. “…See you Monday?”
“See you Monday, Daniel.” He waved the boy off, and waited until the door was closed.
He had much to prepare – namely, learning Russian.
Despite the weight Danny’s theory held, Vlad was not Russian. He was a third-generation American citizen, with ancestors on both sides of the family who had both come from western Europe, not eastern. His mother, allegedly, had simply been a fan of the name Vlad. Vlad himself was fluent in French and Spanish, due to the copious amount of time he’d had alone after his accident.
He wasn’t sure if he even knew anyone who spoke Russian.
.-.
Vlad had to scour half the Ghost Zone for the ghost he was looking for. Apparently, he’d been released from Walker’s prison and then moved his manor so he wouldn’t be disturbed. It was incredibly inconvenient.
After a few wasted hours, Vlad finally found the manor and invited himself in. The ghost met him in the foyer.
“Hello, Ghostwriter,” Vlad said.
“Get out of my house,” Ghostwriter said.
“There’s no need to be rude,” Vlad said, “I’m simply here in the pursuit of knowledge.”
“Knowledge for what? How to release more tyrants from prison? Get out before I turn you into the side character in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Vlad relented, and took a step back. He wasn’t sure how Ghostwriter knew about his quest for the ring and crown – but now was not the time to ask. “I wanted to ask if you knew of anyone who could teach me Russian.”
“Absolutely not. Go away.”
“Come now. I thought you wanted to spread knowledge.”
“Yes. The knowledge that I don’t want anything to do with hybrids again.” Ghostwriter said, and pinched the bridge of his nose. “If this results in anything of mine being broken, I will report you to the Observants for releasing Pariah. Why did you want to learn Russian? And why did you come to me, instead of any human tutor?”
“Daniel asked me to teach him.” Vlad said, and smiled at the other ghost. He did not smile back. “I had to agree. Our first lesson is on Monday.”
“So, you agreed to teach him a language you don’t know, and your first lesson is in four days.” Ghostwriter said, deadpan. “Impressive. You’re an idiot. You don’t need my help; you need a miracle. Have you tried tracking down a Timekeeper?”
“I don’t have time to chase down a fairy tale,” Vlad replied, and Ghostwriter rolled his eyes.
“Learning a language well enough to teach it in four days is a fairy tale. You’re an idiot.”
“Yes, yes, you’ve made your opinion of me crystal.” Vlad said. “What can you teach me within four days?”
Ghostwriter scoffed. “I won’t be teaching you anything. I don’t like you. I understand that you’re too fancy for words like that, so let me rephrase; I despise you. I find your personality and face revolting.”
“So you have said,” Vlad seethed. “I came here on peaceful terms. I am a very patient man.” Ghostwriter snorted, “but if this continues I will make you regret it.”
His threat was clearly effective, because Ghostwriter dropped the attitude. “You can’t learn a language in four days. That’s not physically possible. I could try and see if I know anyone willing to teach you the basics, but that’ll take a couple of days. I could trap you in a Russian novel and you can learn on the fly?” Vlad scowled. Ghostwriter shrugged. “Otherwise, I think your best bet would be some translator contacts and a lot of lying.”
“I’m not teaching Daniel through google translate.”
Ghostwrite took a long, unnecessary breath in. “These are a ghost invention. They don’t use ‘google translate,’ they use an actually functional language database created and catalogued by the Observants. Just – here.” He pulled a glowing contact case out of his jacket pocket and offered them to Vlad. “Just use these.”
Vlad grinned and took the offered artifact. “Thank you for your time,” he said. He left, feeling rather satisfied with himself.
On the other side of the closed door, Ghostwriter rolled his eyes. “What a dumbass,” he said. He’d have to get another gag gift for his brother now – and, much more urgently, move his manor once again.
.-.
“Megan?”
“Who even is that?”
“Redhead girl, freckles, glasses?” Tucker elaborated. “Kind of cute?”
“Obviously it’s not someone he doesn’t know, Tuck.” Sam said.
“That’s just what he wants us to think,” Tucker said. “What about Wes? That guy probably knows Russian.”
Danny swung his backpack over his shoulder and closed his locker door. “Who the heck is Wes?”
“Yeah, if you don’t know we’re not telling you.” Sam said, deadpan. She took a step back to avoid being hit by Danny’s overfilled backpack. “Seriously, Danny, is your tutor human or ghost?”
Danny gave a vague hum which, really, could have meant a lot of things.
“And he wonders why we’re concerned,” Tucker said dully. “Do I need to break out the boo-merang in case you get kidnapped?”
“…Potentially,” Danny admitted, “but I’m not leaving Amity, so I think it’ll be fine.” He checked his phone, “I have to go, guys, I’m gonna be late.”
“Don’t die,” Sam said.
“Don’t crash Duolingo by releasing an evil owl on us again,” Tucker said.
“No promises!” Danny called, already running out the door.
.-.
Vlad put in the contacts right before Danny phased through his door instead of knocking and managed to avoid jabbing himself in the eye. They got settled on either sides of a table, the spread of paper between them.
“Now,” Vlad said, and opened his own book. Beside the English word, he could see the proper pronouciation. “I thought it’d be beneficial to go over some basic sayings before we delve into the grammar. For example, ‘hello’ is pronounced ‘unbju.’” Ah, apparently the contacts helped with speaking as well. Fascinating.
Danny frowned. “I thought it was, uh,” he cleared his throat, “zdravstvuyte.”
“Don’t be absurd,” Vlad said. “It’s unbju. Repeat after me: unbju.”
Danny did.
Vlad grinned. “Very good.”
He’d have to pay the Ghostwriter back for the contacts – perhaps he could set the ghost up with some human publishers.
.-.
Danny phased through his sister’s door and flopped down on Jazz’s bed.
“Who’s there?” Jazz said, not looking back from her computer. “Oh, Danny? Thank you so much for knocking, come on in –”
“Does Vlad know Russian?”
Jazz looked back with a frown before she turned back to the computer. There were a few clicks. “The internet says no. Just English, French, and Spanish.”
“Ugh,” Danny groaned, putting his hands on his head. “Knew it.”
“Did you ask him to teach you?”
“He agreed,” Danny huffed. “Then what the hell was he telling me? We just spent the past few hours learning stuff like how I introduce myself with ‘yeban’ko maloletnee’ and how Mom’s ‘Baba jaga.’”
“I think that last one’s a type of witch that eats children,” Jazz said, and turned to face him. “That, at least, might be Russian?”
“Survey says: not comforting,” Danny propped himself up on his elbows. “Do you think it’s a ghost thing? Like, some sort of ghost language or whatever?”
“…Huh,” Jazz said, and tapped her chin with an uncapped highlighter. “It could be. But have you heard any other ghosts speaking in a weird language?”
“There was Wulf and Esperanto, and uh… nope. That’s it.” Danny groaned. “I could’ve been learning real Russian, and instead I’m stuck with stuff like ‘Jri govno i zdohni’ and whatever ‘Otlez’ gnida’ means because I’m pretty sure it’s not ‘goodbye.’”
There was a knock on the door. Both siblings automatically fell silent. Jazz looked Danny over, confirming that he was fully human.
“It’s open!” Jazz called.
Surprisingly delicate for a man who’d smashed a chair over a ghost owl less than a week ago, their dad slowly opened the door. “Hey, uh, Danno,” Jack said. “My Russian’s a bit rusty, but you were uh, saying so pretty harsh things there.”
Danny stood up. “You know Russian?”
“Those were Russian?” Jazz asked.
“Russian swears,” Jack said. “You know how your old Grandpa Fenton studied languages, I picked up some from him. Why, Danno? You looking to learn?”
“You need to be fluent in both English and Russian to be an astronaut.” Danny said, “Can you teach me dad, please? I’ll do all my chores on time and get home an hour before curfew every night!”
Jack laughed and clapped Danny on the back. He nearly fell over. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Danny-boy! I’ll have to brush up, but I’ll see what I can do. And hey! If you decide you don’t want to be a spaceman, it’s great for catching ghosts!”
Danny heard a distant, ominous hoot and had to disagree.
.-.
Vlad jabbed his thumb into his eye. Durak neschastnyi, he thought, which was a horrible sign. It meant this was spreading.
He’d tried to pull the contacts out after the lesson was finished. When he’d had difficulty, he’d decided it wasn’t a major issue. He’d had an important video conference, which halfway through this cursed artifact had ruined his business deal. Now, he couldn’t get it out. Contacts were supposed to be removable! When he found Ghostwriter… oh, nu vse, tebe pizda.
His wall exploded. Danny had returned.
“You taught me the wrong Russian!” Danny said, and threw his hands in the air. “Dude, what gives? I came to you nicely, why’d you have to – why is your hand in your eye?”
“Past’ zabej, padla jebanaja,” Vlad growled, whatever that meant.
“Rude.” Danny said. “Dude, I already know you don’t know Russian. Turns out my dad does, though.”
Jack? That Balvan? “Poydi k chertu,” Vlad said.
“Yeah, yeah, bless you. Anyway, if you want to learn and need a study buddy, then I’m willing to pretend that this,” he gestured to Vlad, “didn’t happen. Also stop with the eye thing dude, that’s weird.”
“Otlez’ gnida,” Vlad growled.
“Yeah, yeah, ‘goodbye’ to you too. I’ll go.” He held up his hands, “Once you say something in English. Like a cheesecake swear or something. I get it’s another language and all but dude, this is weirding me out.”
Vlad huffed, and grabbed a piece of paper. He scribbled a simple message on it – Find Ghostwriter.
Danny took it and raised an eyebrow. “Uh,” He turned it back to Vlad. He’d written in English, and somehow it had ended up in the Russian alphabet.
“Ti menia dostal,” Vlad growled.
“Yeah, now I’m kind of worried.” He waved a hand in Vlad’s face. “Hey, Vlad? You understand me, right?” Vlad smacked it away. “I think that’s a yes. Is this a ghost thing? Nod if it’s a ghost thing.”
Vlad nodded.
“…A normal ghost thing or –” Vlad shook his head. “Oh. Yikes. Well, have fun with that!” He started to fly out the hole he’d left in the wall – Vlad grabbed him by the ankle.
Ghostwriter was a zjulik and he would pay!
.-.
Ghostwriter sat down with a nice book on his sofa, a steaming hot cup of coffee beside him. Today was a good day. Plus, he really liked the location his lair was in now – it was close enough to Undergrowth’s garden that he could get fresh beans! Really, today was a very good day.
And then his door was kicked in.
“Ghostwriter!” Phantom yelled.
“Popal!” Plasmius screamed.
Ghostwriter took a sip of his coffee and set his book down. “Ah,” he said, “shit.”