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"Oh, you have to go back to Berlin and complete the rotation. The work you are doing there is awesome and too important."
Samar blinks in surprise at the casual declaration and the sincerity behind the words. One of the things she dreaded most about developing this relationship is finding the balance between her nomadic nature and Aram's firm roots family and their community. Uncharacteristically the Interpol agent avoided mentioning the deadline preferring to enjoy their time together and her role as caretaker.
"Don't get me wrong having you here is lovely but there is no way you can stay here indefinitely. Berlin is where it's at in terms of your brand of counterterrorism intelligence. I bet you are fielding questions from the higher-ups every day about when you will return. My parents are bosting about your work as a secret agent." Aram jokes but winces as the laughter puts pressure on his ribs.
They are sitting together in the local park that is only a few blocks from their houses. The Mojtabais ensure that they have enough food to feed a small army or a Persian wedding. Samar wants to protest the intrusion, but at the same time, the family excitement is strangely comforting. Her aunt is determined to rework her diet and eating habits before she leaves. The nagging doesn't feel nearly as suffocating when she is with Aram.
Overall Samar is happy with Aram healing process. One of the advantages of him being a computer science teacher and geek is that he doesn't have any extreme hobbies. She cannot claim to be as sensible; she drives the Interpol medical staff to despair with an inability to keep still. In many ways spending time with Aram and family is about learning to stay place and in the moment. All the decades of therapy don't have the same positive influence on her psyche.
"I'll miss you and resent the time difference," Samar says quietly opting for direct communication for a change.
Aram blinks in surprise and moves across the picnic blanket and grasps their hands together, slowing easing the fingers that are a tight fist of tension. Almost against her will Samar feels herself relax under his gentle guidance.
"Why would you need to miss me? Germany isn't that far away. There aren't many advantages to dating a professor of computer sciences, but expert teleconferencing is one of the few."
Samar cannot help smiling and relaxing as Aram launches into an elaborate explanation about how they can make the long-distance thing work. If they weren't outside, she is quite sure there would be a PowerPoint presentation with multiple graphs. As it is, he presents her with a visiting schedule during the holidays and tours; they could take together. If Samar were a different person now would be the time to admit how much she loves him in public, but it is difficult to break the habits of a lifetime. Instead, she settles for quietly holding his hand and imagining this future.
***
Learning to Ride a Bike (again)
"You can go for a walk; I'm not going to judge you for needing a more challenging track."
"I'm fine riding with you Aram."
Samar is lying to herself if nobody else. The truth is she is getting more than a little stir crazy not going to the gym and not running multiple times a week. There are only so many times you can run around the block, especially when various relatives want to tag along. She tries to hide these feelings from Aram and focus on his recovery, but clearly, she isn't entirely successful. Truthfully she doesn't like the sensation of cycling; there wasn't enough control in the motions to suit her personality. However, riding along with Amar as he gains stamina becomes one of her favourite pastimes.
"You are one of the liers in the world, but you can't say that with any degree of conviction. Please, go and find some cross fit buddies and run 20 or 30 miles. I'll be your cheer squad." Aram insists with a shrug.
One of the things Samar is growing to love about their dynamic is that Aram honestly doesn't want to change her in any way. He doesn't mind that she isn't a traditionally domestic person, and he does most of the cooking. Aram doesn't hold cultural notions of masculine or feminine roles. It took Samar far too long to realise he doesn't idealise her; he merely loves her completely.
"Well, with you in my corner, of course, I will win, won't I?
On afternoons like this, Samar can almost forget her desire to destroy Janet and everything she stands for. Maybe the best revenge was learning to live well and not letting the quest for justice consume every moment. That didn't mean there weren't several Interpol watches in place and Liz Keen was keeping track of the online movements. Protection means everything in this scenario.
***
Learning to Communicate
They are still dealing with the ramifications of their months of estrangement, both as friends and as new lovers. Surprisingly the respective families are relatively low key about this new relationship development, but it brings a whole new meaning to the family dinners. Mrs Mojtabai insists on teaching Samar to cook at least ten different variations of Aram's favourite food. The acceptance of older relatives is not something she ever craved, but the feeling is nice anyway. Rebellion and bitterness is too much hard work to sustain in the long term.
"You will make a good wife for my son; nobody can make him smile you since that witch betrayed him."
"We aren't at that stage yet, Auntie but Aram is learning to heal again all on his own. I am there for the ride."
"Please don't fight again. Losing you once almost broke him, twice would be the domain of the epic poems." Mrs Mojtabai insists with an earnest expression.
"We are much better at communicating now or more precisely, I am less of a coward and is willing to try and communicate like a rational adult." Samar promises
"You are no coward Samar Navabi, merely a girl with a broken and battered heart. My Aram will do your soul good as well."
Samar blushes at the compliment even though she doesn't feel worthy of such praise. It took her a long time to realise that rejecting Aram in Cairo had more ramifications than just losing his friendship. For all her teenage rebellion conforming to the expectations of the Mojtabai and Navabi families, their approval means allot at this moment. Aram is their precious son, and they are trusting her with his wellbeing and happiness.
***
Learning to Connect
"You are doing well, don't give up now."
"Stop patronising me. We have been doing this for weeks, and I still have the skill level of 5 years old. There is no way I will come to terms with the storytelling."
Samar looks at the Dungeons and Dragons board with a fair degree of scepticism. There are copious notes and neatly painted figurines in position on the table. They are not technically having a game or an 'adventure', but they are trying to establish ground rules. Samar is struggling with the abstract nature of the hobby and the level of imagination it involves. The tactics are impressive, but the vocabulary makes no sense. In truth, she mainly enjoys watching her lover play and get so passionate about something; it doesn't matter if she can share in these things directly.
"I'm not patronising you. It takes ages to learn to the RPGs. Not everything can come naturally to you, Samar no matter how many languages you speak." Aram teases gently.
"I want to understand the things that bring you so much happiness and pleasure," Samar confesses with a sheepish shrug.
"I am never going to understand your affinity for marksmanship, but that doesn't mean we can't connect on other levels. You aren't in any danger of losing me to an Elven Princess or a Half-Caste. All my Guild is practically shipping our relationship anyway. I talk about you allot it seems" Aram replies without looking up from his model.
"I haven't the faintest notion of what you are talking about." Samar points with more laughter than impenitence.
"That's ok."
They switch the activities to building obstacles for Lenardo the turtle both for his terrarium and the apartment. Technically Aram's name is on the lease, but his pet has the run of the place. Samar sinks to the floor and laughs as Aaram starts building a 'race' track with treats as incentives. Sometimes she has the fleeting thought that Aram will be a wonderful father. Strangely enough, the idea isn't terrifying. She has enough confidence that they will have years together to make any plans. Their families will delight in any new additions to the household.
Perhaps she will suggest they get another turtle when she finishes in Berlin.
***
Learning to Balance Extremes
"You're ok Samar, I am here, my darling."
Samar Navabi feels anything but ok, but she tries to focus on Aram's soothing, familiar voice. The outline of his apartment is comforting in the semi-darkness, and if she listens hard enough, she can hear the clock ticking and the music from one of Aram's games in the background. The grip of the nightmare slowly loosens as Aram wraps her in his arms and starts rocking gently. He doesn't push her for details or any words at all; they stay in silence for long moments.
"You make even the worst of my nightmare almost bearable. I wish you were with me years ago things would have been so much easier. It's all my fault, of course, but I do regret our lost time." Samar confesses quietly.
Samar still has nightmares about the time in Cairo and the look of abject devastation on her friend's face. She is lucky that he was willing to forgive her with or without the unique circumstances. There were so many ways she let him down in the past, but maybe their future could be brighter.
"I wouldn't have come to my senses eventually, you know, with or without, Janet. I think I've loved you for the best part of ten years without realising it."
"Well that almost makes the broken ribs and severe concussion worthwhile then. Me waiting around like Penelope for Odysseus might have gotten a little pathetic. Your aunt was nudging, your eldest cousin, my direction.."
"Don't even joke about that. Nothing is worth what woman did to you. Sara is a terrible choice for you, far too meek and mild."
"That's good because I only have a thing for one Navabi woman in particular." Aram kisses her on the check to confirm his point.
"Even if she is ten years too late and means a lifetime of nightmares?"
"Even then. You've got me around for a while yet, decades if you want. According to my parents, we are ending our best years, so maybe we met at just the right time. You are by far the best thing in my life, even if it takes us years to figure everything out. Wake me up every time you have a bad dream ok, don't sneak out for a run, ok?"
"Ok, I promise."
***
Learning Intimacy
"I'm bad at this part of things."
Samar doesn't even mean to whisper the words out loud, but there is something about lying in bed with Aram Mojtabai that makes such vulnerability worthwhile. He doesn't move to comment or interrupt with inane questions. For somebody with a charming tendency to ramble, Aram does know the value of staying quiet. He even keeps a physical distance between them so that Samar doesn't feel too crowded or overwhelmed by proximity. Samar will never know how he learnt to understand her so well even when she was trying so hard to stay away.
"There is no grading system, Samar. We can figure everything else together. You don't need to be perfect at everything."
The problem is Samar wants to be perfect for this man. He goes through so much with the impostor 'Janet.' She wants this relationship to be a healing experience for Aram and not something that brings hang-ups and despair. It doesn't matter how often he claims otherwise Samar will always carry a level of guilt for allowing Janet to access to this man, not only his knowledge but his heart.
"The truth is, I don't know how to do this. I've had plenty of lovers and flings in multiple countries. All those comparisons to James Band aren't entirely without merit, in the worst ways. My last vaguely functional relationship was over a decade ago."
"That doesn't make you a bad person or an automatic failure in my eyes."
"This is the first time in my whole life. I want to make somebody breakfast in the morning or go shopping in the morning because there is a sale at the pet shop. My mind is full of a thousand little details of ways to make your life better, and that terrifies me more than the unstable Ukraine border."
"You say the most romantic things. For the record, the Ukrainian border conflict is looking better now. You might need to update your geopolitical metaphors. My mind is full of just as many ways to make you happy."
"I'm lucky to have you."
"We are lucky to have each other."
***
"Please don't cry, I can't handle it when you cry."
"I can always apply some fresh make up before getting back to the office. A few tears won't cost me anything." Samar shrugs casually.
Samar doesn't feel a trace of embarrassment at allowing her emotions to show. For once her life, it doesn't feel like a weakness and fighting against the tears is wasting energy. All the preparation in the world doesn't make the separation any more comfortable. America and Berlin never feel so far apart than sitting in the airport restaurant drinking overpriced coffee and picking at a croissant. Samar has a ride on a private flight, so there is slightly more flexibility with customs and security. Truthfully Samar is fighting the urge to buy an extra ticket and beg Aram to transfer to the Berlin Office.
"Don't forget to feed the turtle that new dry food mix, he loves it," Samar says sternly trying to talk around the lump in her throat.
"I have your lists, all six of them," Aram promises with a sad smile.
"Keep up your exercises. You may have a glowing report from the Physical Therapy Department, but that doesn't mean you can slack off. Gaming and roleplay is not a substitute for sleep. Get my aunt to feed you if you need to start late marking." Samar insists wiping away at the tears.
"I'll send you a video every week with my progress, and you can track my bike rides if you want, Spy Girl." Aram jokes trying to coax of smile
"I'm not a spy Professor Mojtabai, but I will be keeping an eye on you."
Aram is always braver than Samar is when it comes to such things and abandons the food in favour of moving closer. He pulls her into a hug and whispers against her hair. The touch is so achingly familiar and comforting that it brings a fresh round of tears. The trip back over the Atlantic feels daunting and lonely. She's even going to miss that funny turtle and his strange routines. However, this isn't a romantic comedy, and she can't give up everything in the name of love. Aram isn't the type of person to demand such things from her anyway.
"I'll be waiting for you at the Berlin Airport for the Christmas Market." Samar whispers.
"I'll be sending you photos of Leonardo and his dietary progress. You won't even have time to miss us. When you get on the plane, check your phone. I made a few videos to make you smile."
Samar long gave up sole possession of any electronics. Aram's 'Love Language' is doing practical things and helping people. He is continuously questioning improvements for her computer or work software programmes. There are even a few games that she likes to play on during downtime. Aram is surprisingly brilliant and word games and crosswords even when they switch between languages.
"I love Aram."
"I love you too, Samar."