Chapter Text
“Are we wise here?”
“Oh. My. God. Would you make up your mind? You were talking me into this!”
“But we don’t even have a plan!”
“In all this time, has there ever been a plan? Have you had a plan? ‘Cos I know I haven’t.”
“Eh, you got me there.”
*
“Nobody kills my wife and gets away with it!”
“Sweeney, that was you.”
“He’s still an asshole.”
“More to the point, nobody kills my husband and gets away with it.”
“That’s the first time you’ve called me that.”
“Don’t get too comfortable with it.”
“It was actually your man that speared me.”
“Yeah well. He’s still an asshole.”
“Shall we just stick with that argument? Keep it simple.”
*
“If it isn’t the newlyweds! Huginn said it was a beautiful ceremony. Delightfully trashy. I’d have got you a gift but what can you get for the couple who has everything? Speaking of which, I don’t suppose you’re here to return what you stole from me?”
“Fuck off, Grimnir.”
“Didn’t think so. So why are you here?”
“Just passin’ through. Thought we’d drop in and see how badly you were fuckin’ up this war. Plus, all the hotels are shut.”
“What, have you trashed all the motels in Nevada?”
“Hah, I forgot. You don’t watch the news, do ya? You got your little birds for that sorta thing.”
*
“Alhamdulillah! You are alive!”
“Ooof. Hey there wee fella. Jinn. Aye, all credit to the Goddess of Roadkill here. Have you met the wife?”
“Jesus Christ - ”
*
“It must be nice to be married - ”
“ – “
“To someone you love, I mean.”
“Oh, hey – look, what’s that over there?”
“What is it? I don’t see anything. Oh, where did she go?”
*
“Bravo, my dear. I’m impressed! The leprechaun looks as good as new. The boy will be pleased. He was quite cut up about it, I believe.”
“That’s because Shadow’s a good man. He just keeps shitty company.”
“You never said a truer thing. So, I suppose you’re going to resume your rescue mission? Save him from my evil clutches?”
“Shadow’s a big boy. He can make his own decisions. I would like to see him, though. See that he’s okay. Not, say, hanging from a tree somewhere?”
“Well, he’s not here. He’s gone on an errand.”
*
“If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning, hammer in the evening - ”
“You got a fine singing voice, Czernobog!”
“Yes, is good!”
*
“Mister Wednesday! I don’t have much time to spare. I’m going to have to reschedule our little appointment, you understand how it is. My people are all otherwise occupied with this situation – connectivity, social media, surveillance, I’m sure you understand how much the world needs us.”
“What’s he talking about?”
“The – uh – global lockdown, Mister Grimnir. Everyone’s quite upset about it.”
“What’s he talking about, Nancy?”
“Bitch, don’t you never watch the news?”
“Not if I can help it.”
“Of course, we wouldn’t be so stretched if someone hadn’t terminated our surveillance specialist - ”
“Oh, he’s talking about me. I did that.”
“So, if you still feel the need to pursue this trivial matter, we may be at leisure to attend to you in three months. Maybe six. My colleagues and I will be busy reprogramming reality. I’ll pass on your regards to your old friend Pestilence. He and I will be working closely together for the foreseeable. In the meantime, enjoy obscurity.”
“Hey, wait just a damn minute! Pestilence? Get back here, you pixelated prick!”
“Pestilence, huh? Looks like that slimy old motherfucker’s stolen a march on you, my one-eyed friend. He’s come out of retirement.”
“Can I hear helicopters?”
*
“Jesus Christ!”
“Him too? That’s all we need - ”
“Which one?”
“No, I mean – look! The fucking army’s out there.”
“ – please remain in your homes. A curfew is now in effect. Any attempt to resist will result in - ”
“FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER AND - !”
“Get back here, Czernobog! Do you really want to die at the hands of the US Army? I don’t think the hammer will do a lot, do you? Oh, bring him back, someone.”
“Get off me! I’ll knock your brains out, you flaming desert asshole - ”
“Please calm down Mister Czernobog! Nothing will be achieved by attacking soldiers with a hammer!”
“Have a drink, ya sweaty bastard!”
*
“Can we get out of here now?”
“Fuck’s sake woman, there are tanks on the lawn.”
“The hoard?”
“We can’t. The sun’s below the horizon. Can’t do it til morning.”
“What? You never told me that. Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“I thought it’d be pretty fuckin’ obvious. We need the sun, you brainless c- “
“If you call me a cunt, I will cough on you!”
“Cailleach! I was gonna say cailleach!”
“Bullshit, you’re just making noises now.” *cough cough*
“Aw that’s disgustin’”
*
“So, tell me this. Does staying at home because of coronavirus count as worshipping Pestilence? Is that what we’re doing right now?”
“Who invited her, anyway?”
“I did. Fuck you, Grimnir.”
“Goodnight, everybody.”
*
“So, can we leave now?”
“It’s easiest at midday but, yeah, we can give it a go.”
“Where is Wotan?”
“Oh, he drove off as I was performing Salat al-fajr.”
“I thought Shadow had his car?”
“Grimnir prob’ly summoned her so he could flounce off in a huff about not gettin’ his war.”
“Doesn’t that mean that Shadow’s stuck out there with no car? Wednesday’s such an asshole.”
“Ah, pretty boy like him’ll have no trouble gettin’ a ride.”
“Is true, Zorya say so.”
“So - Wednesday’s gone – and there’s no war – and all the hotels and casinos are closed. And we’re in a nice big old house, and the army say we can’t leave and there’s lots of food and drink and stuff? We could all just – stay and hang out?”