Chapter Text
Jack walked slowly along the corridor towards Dr Mensch’s office. He was deep in thought and paying no attention to his surroundings. His thoughts had taken him into the realms of ‘what if?’ What if Jo had survived? Would they be living out here in Switzerland? Would he have become head of the Sanatorium he was currently walking through? He knew he had refused to come out to Switzerland and Jem had handed the post of head of the Swiss Sanatorium to Gottfried Mensch. Jack wasn’t jealous of his friend and colleague, but, he realised it was a slight regret in his life. As much as he enjoyed the challenges of his job, he found that he was no longer excited by them. This dawned on him as reached his colleague’s door and knocked. A voice was heard inviting him in and he had to enter, his thoughts still half formed.
“Jack! Take a seat and I’ll ring for coffee.” Gottfried smiled as Jack entered. Jack dropped onto the sofa in the corner of the room and looked around as his friend rang for refreshments. Would this have been his office? He shook his head to clear his thoughts and concentrated on the conversation between Gottfried and one of the other doctors who worked with him. Jack couldn’t remember his name, though he knew he’d been introduced.
Just after the refreshments had arrived, Jem appeared, accompanied by Matron Graves. She smiled around the room before taking a seat next to Jack. He returned her smile and attempted to pay attention to the conversation going on around him. Jem glanced across at him as they talked on a couple of occasions and, noting his faraway expression, wondered what was going through his mind.
Once the meeting dispersed, Jack collected his coat and hat walked back towards the main entrance. He wanted some fresh air after the stuffiness of the office. Following a path to the left of the building, Jack found himself overlooking a vista of mountains stretching endlessly before him. He saw a bench not far from where he was standing and moved across to sit down. He had the feeling someone was watching him, but, there was no one else in view. As he sat there, watching the sunset, someone joined him on the bench.
“You’ve been distant all afternoon, Jack.” Jack turned his head in surprise.
“Jem! I didn’t expect to see you out here.” Jack regained his composure as Jem made himself comfortable, pulling his hat further down on his head.
“I came to see where you were since we’re meant to be meeting some of the board in a couple of days. That’s what we were discussing in Gottfried’s office.”
“Oh. Sorry, I wasn’t paying much attention. Did you want me to speak?”
“Yes. I need you to be the representative for the English branch.”
“I can manage that. Why aren’t you the representative, though? It’s your company after all.”
“That’s why. It’s my company and the board have requested someone else to represent the English branch. You’re here and are the ideal candidate. You know as much as I do, if not more, since I don’t have time to be on the ground there anymore.”
“I can only really speak from my own department. I know a little about the others, but not everything.”
“I know. I have reports from the other department heads, so you might like to have a look through them before the meeting. This was all arranged while you were away, so I couldn’t let you have them in advance.”
“When is the meeting?”
“It’s at three o’clock on Thursday. I’ll give you them now, if you like?”
“Thanks. It’ll give me time to prepare some notes. Is there a spare office I can borrow to look over them?”
“I’m sure Gottfried will find you one somewhere. The notes are in his office at the moment.” Jem rose and Jack reluctantly followed him back inside. The notes were retrieved and Gottfried showed Jack an empty office he could use. Thanking them, Jack dropped the notes onto the desk along with the pen and notebook he’d also borrowed. Once he was alone, he made himself comfortable and began to look through the reports.
Gottfried found him in the same position three hours later.
“Abendessen will be ready in an hour, Jack. We need to set off for home in a few minutes.” Jack just nodded absently as Gottfried withdrew to collect his own things. He joined Jem in the corridor and they made their way towards the entrance to wait for Jack. When he hadn’t appeared fifteen minutes later, Jem turned to Gottfried.
“You did tell him we needed to leave, didn’t you?”
“Yes. He nodded in reply.” Jem sighed.
“He won’t have heard you. I’ll go and fetch him, otherwise he’ll be here all night.” Jem set off back along the corridor and turned into the office Jack had borrowed. He crossed the room and casually removed the pen from Jack’s hand. Jack looked up in surprise.
“Come on, Jack. We’ve been waiting for you for fifteen minutes. We’ll be late for Abendessen if you don’t come now. This can wait until tomorrow morning.”
“You haven’t given me much time to look at them, though. I’m only part way through the first one and I already have a page of questions.”
“I’ll answer them tomorrow. Right now, I’m hungry and Gisela will be upset if we aren’t on time.” Jem passed Jack his coat and ushered him out of the office before he had chance to protest any further. He knew that Jack was still reticent when it came to the social side of his life. Jem generally had to persuade him to come to dinner at his own home, even now. He wondered if the fact that they were staying with Gottfried and Gisela was something with which Jack was struggling. He had been quiet most evenings and was generally the first to depart to bed. Casting a sidelong glance at his friend as they walked towards the main entrance, Jem saw he looked pale and tired. He was reminded of the time when Jack had first returned to work at the Sanatorium. He wondered if Jack was sleeping, or if he was battling another bout of insomnia. He knew he couldn’t question Jack directly as he would be rebuffed out of hand. Jem decided to shelve the matter for now and see what transpired.
Once they had all eaten and were comfortably sitting in the Salon, Jack slowly sipped his whisky and wondered how quickly he could excuse himself from everyone. He longed to be somewhere alone. He had spent the past nineteen years alone. The one person he had loved was dead and he knew he wouldn’t love again. He had no heart to give to another. He quickly downed the rest of the contents of his glass before standing up. The memory of Jo was too close to the surface this evening.
As Jack thanked Gisela for the lovely meal and said his goodnights, Jem watched him go without comment. He knew that Jack had just been on a trip to his recent past and that he was probably patching up wounds he hadn’t realised he had opened until now.
*****
Jem was woken by a slight sound in the next room. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was half past four in the morning. He heard the sound again and realised it was coming from Jack’s room. Rising quietly, Jem slipped into the corridor and saw a chink of light underneath the door. Out here, he could clearly hear Jack pacing up and down the length of the room. He wondered whether to go in, but, decided against it, suspecting that Jack wouldn’t appreciate his intrusion. He returned silently to his room and was soon sleeping once more.
Jack was pacing about in an effort to tire himself into oblivion. The thoughts which had surfaced during the afternoon were continuing to haunt him and he wished there was a way he could escape them. He never heard Jem’s door softly open and close, so deep in his despair was he. Eventually, he picked up his coat and crept downstairs, exiting the chalet by the front door.
The moon was high in the sky and Jack could see his way quite clearly once his eyes had adjusted to the dimness of the night. He walked down the drive and turned along the road which followed the edge of the Görnetz Platz. He walked quickly in the chill air, not wishing to stop as that would allow his thoughts back in and he wanted to avoid them. He soon reached the railway and noted a small path going down alongside the tracks. He decided to follow it and see where it led. The dawn was approaching rapidly now and Jack could see the way much more clearly.
The path led downhill for a short while before turning sharply left and along the edge of a smaller shelf below where the Sanatorium was situated. Jack continued along until the path forked. He woke up to the fact that he had no exact idea of where he was and that he may end up lost if he continued in the aimless way he was currently walking. He sat down on a convenient boulder to stop himself and to regain his breath as he hadn’t realised quite how tired he was. The lack of sleep was beginning to catch up with him.
Footsteps approached Jack from behind as he looked out at the vista before him. A young man came past walking with an air of purpose. He looked curiously at Jack perched on the boulder and raised his hat in salutation, wishing him “Grüezi” as he passed by. Jack automatically replied and then looked after him, a small frown on his face. The features had looked vaguely familiar in the half-light. Shaking his head, Jack decided he must be imagining things. He rose and turned back the way he had come, walking more slowly this time.
When he reached the station, Jack turned towards the Sanatorium. It was still early but, he knew that those notes in the spare office needed his attention. He could spend an hour at them and then return in time for breakfast.
Three hours later, Jem peered through the glass on the door of the small office to see Jack engrossed in the reports from the English branch of the Sanatorium. He noted that Jack looked tired and suspected that he hadn’t eaten yet that morning. Jem went in search of Matron Graves to request breakfast and coffee before returning to see if he could answer the long list of questions, he knew Jack would have for him. This time Jem knocked heartily on the door and entered before Jack had time to answer.
“So, this is where you got to. Gisela missed you at breakfast this morning.” Jem crossed the room and cleared the spare chair of papers. “I’ve ordered Frühstück for you and then you can start on that list of questions you have.”
“Thanks.” Jack spoke almost absent-mindedly, before becoming engrossed once more in the report he was reading. Jem, used to his friend’s ways, just moved the chair and sat down to patiently wait until Jack should realise that he was there. Luckily, Frühstück arrived not long afterwards and Jem was able to gain Jack’s attention by the simple means of placing the tray right in front of him and over the notes he was reading. At this, Jack finally looked up and acknowledged Jem’s presence.
“How long have you been here?”
“Not long. Since you missed breakfast at Gottfried and Gisela’s, I ordered some for you here.”
“Thanks.” Jack looked down at the tray and picked up one of the croissants. “I could do with some coffee.” Jem poured a mugful from the pot and handed it to Jack, who nodded in acknowledgement.
“What time did you come in this morning?”
“About six, I think. I couldn’t sleep any longer.”
“Did you sleep at all, last night? I heard you moving about in the early hours.”
“I didn’t wake you, did I?”
“No.” Jem had his answer, proving his suspicions that Jack was battling insomnia again. He changed the subject. “How far through have you got?”
“Just one more to read.”
“How many questions do I need to answer?” Jem knew that Jack had a habit of questioning small things, so he was fully expecting to spend the next few hours attempting to answer obscure questions. He wasn’t wrong. Jack produced a notebook with many pages covered in his scrawl and passed it over for Jem to begin while he finished his breakfast.
When Gottfried knocked on the door just after midday, Jem had just finished discussing what was wanted from Jack at the board meeting. He smiled up at his colleague, thankful for the interruption.
“I thought you might like a break from this for a while. Why don’t you both join me for Mittagessen in the canteen? I’m going on duty at one o’clock, so it will only be a quick meal.”
“Thank you. I’m ready for a break. Coming, Jack?” Jack would have refused, but, he recognised that he needed a break, too. He nodded his agreement, though the thought of a meal in the Sanatorium canteen didn’t appeal to him. Picking up his jacket, he followed the others out of the office and towards the canteen.
After the meal, which Jack had eaten in silence, he looked across at Gottfried.
“Where does the path down the side of the railway lead to, Gottfried? I spotted it this morning, but didn’t go further than where it forks.”
“If you stay to the right at the fork, you’ll reach the Auberge a couple of kilometres further on. The left fork takes you on to Ste Cecilie. It is a much nicer walk than along the road. Both are fairly easy paths and it would be hard to lose yourself on them.”
“I may find the Auberge this afternoon. I could do with some fresh air.”
“Abendessen is at twenty o’clock tonight.” Gottfried glanced down at his watch before standing. “I must go. I start my shift in twenty minutes. I’ll see you at Abendessen, Jack. What do you plan to do this afternoon, Jem?”
“I need to catch up with the accounts, so I’ll borrow the office Jack’s been using if I may?”
“I’ll clear you a space.” Jack rose as well. The three of them walked back to their offices, Gottfried leaving the two Englishmen at the door of theirs. Jack quickly cleared the detritus from the desk and dumped it on the coffee table in the corner. Jem, who liked organisation, shuddered inwardly at the papers scattered anyhow. He knew that Jack preferred the organised chaos which had covered the desk only moments ago, and that he would be able to produce a required paper from one of the numerous piles without effort if asked.
“Shall I meet you back at Gottfried’s house this evening?” Jem asked.
“Yes. I shouldn’t be too late. From the sounds of it, the path is only about three kilometres long. It should give me enough distance to stretch my legs and hopefully tire me out.”
“Jack, if you need something to help you sleep….” Jem left the rest of the sentence unspoken. He didn’t want to push his friend if he wasn’t willing to speak. Jack just nodded, avoiding Jem’s searching gaze.
“I know. Thanks, Jem.” Jack picked up his coat and slipped out, closing the door softly behind him. Jem dropped into the chair behind the desk and sighed. He hoped that Jack would sleep tonight, or ask for something. He couldn’t last on no sleep without consequences.
*****
The board meeting finished late. Jack made his escape from the stuffy room as quickly as possible. He had had enough of the formalities and just wanted some space to breathe. He knew that he ought to stay and answer any further questions the members might have, but he also knew that if he didn’t leave he might say something he might later regret. He walked swiftly through the corridors and collected his coat from the office he and Jem had been using, before heading outside to the bench near the edge of the grounds. Once he had composed himself, he intended to return, but, for now, he just wanted to be alone.
Jem saw Jack exit in the corner of his eye. He had been watching him during the meeting and could see that, although Jack had given his report and answered questions, he was impatient to be away from the meeting. Jem was becoming concerned about his friend once more. He knew Jack still wasn’t sleeping since he’d heard him pacing about in his room at night despite their brief conversation a couple of days before. Jem hoped that he would return shortly since one of the directors wanted to speak to him.
Jack dropped onto the bench in the grounds and breathed slowly. He knew he needed to return to the boardroom, but first he wanted to just sit and think of nothing if possible. It was cold and dark outside. He turned his collar up and pulled his hat further down on his head in an attempt to keep out the chill air. He had the strange feeling he was being watched again. Looking around, he could see no one and he shivered. He wished he knew who or what was watching him, or if it was just his imagination playing tricks on him in his exhaustion. He knew he needed something to help him sleep, but was loath to ask, having been through it before. He shivered again and reluctantly stood back up to go into the warmth once more.
Jem saw Jack slip back into the room and stand quietly to one side as if he hoped to not be noticed. He concluded the conversation he was having with one of the board representatives and moved across to where Jack was standing.
“Glad you came back. One of the directors wanted a word with you.”
“I just needed some fresh air. Which director?”
“Herr Ziegler. He’s over in the corner with Gottfried.” Jack nodded and moved off towards the corner Jem had indicated. Jem stayed where he was and watched. He knew about what was going to be discussed and wondered if Jack would be interested. All he could do was to wait and see. Another of the directors came up to speak to him and Jem turned his attention to the conversation.
It was late when the three men returned to the chalet where Gisela and Gottfried lived. The majority of the other board members had left for the valley, though a couple were staying overnight at the hotel in the village. Jack excused himself and disappeared to his room almost as soon as they arrived. Jem and Gottfried went into the Salon to enjoy a whisky and discuss the meeting in comfort.
“It seemed to go well tonight,” Jem said as he stared into the bottom of his glass.
“Yes. Jack’s speech was particularly good considering that he had hardly any time to prepare.”
“I know. I wonder if he’s accepted Herr Ziegler’s proposal.”
“I do not know. I suspect he has asked for time to consider it, first. Personally, I think it will be good for him. His talents are being wasted as just a departmental head.”
“I know. If it wasn’t for what happened in the war, I’m sure he’d have been poached years ago. His eye for detail is well known and admired by many people. Unfortunately, being stuck behind enemy lines and unable to account for those years is against him in many more ways than just his career.”
“It would be nice to have him out here, helping with the new developments. I’m sure we could work well together again and he need not have to deal with all the social niceties as I can do that.”
“I think that might be the thing that sways him one way or the other in the end, Gottfried. He still doesn’t cope well in those situations. Look how he’s gone to bed early every night while we’ve been staying here with you. This has come on top of his first return to Austria in almost twenty years and I know he’s not sleeping again since he’s admitted that much to me. I’ll speak to him tomorrow and see if I can find out how he feels about the idea. Personally, I think it will do him good, however, it’s his decision.”
“I agree. Now, I think it is time we sought our beds, too. We have a lot of things to sort tomorrow before you return to England at the weekend.” Jem acquiesced and the two men departed to sleep.
Jack lay in bed and thought back over the conversation he’d had with Herr Ziegler. He was interested in the offer which had been made, though he was unsure whether he was capable of dealing with the social situations he’d have to attend. He’d found it a struggle just to stay with Gottfried and Gisela, both of whom he knew well and were understanding of how his past had affected him. Others would not be so sympathetic. He had to admit that the prospect of a secondment to Switzerland to help implement changes and be a Deputy Head of the Sanatorium was something he found attractive, but, he needed time to think over the proposal before he gave a definite answer. Herr Ziegler had given him a few days to consider the request and, if he wanted, to discuss it with his colleagues. He turned over and wished he could sleep on it, but sleep was elusive once more.
Jack heard Jem and Gottfried come upstairs and the house quieten down for the night. He turned over again and lay facing the wall, closing his eyes and trying to blank his mind. It was unsuccessful. He continued to toss and turn for the next four hours until, in desperation; he rose and went to knock on Jem’s door. After what seemed an age to Jack, it was opened and Jem looked out. On seeing Jack standing there, he just motioned his friend inside before going to rummage around in his medical bag. He turned back with a bottle and handed it to Jack.
“Thanks.” Jack turned to go, but Jem stopped him a moment longer.
“Be careful with them, they’re stronger than you’ve had before.”
“I will. Sorry for disturbing you.”
“It’s no problem. Go and sleep, Jack.” Jack nodded and returned to his room, leaving Jem to climb back into his own bed, glad that Jack had finally accepted he needed the tablets.
On returning to his own room, Jack perched on the edge of the bed and read the label on the bottle. He realised that Jem had been correct when he had warned him they were stronger than those he had taken before. He shook two tablets into his hand and purposely placed the bottle on the dresser at the opposite side of the room, where it could clearly be seen. He then swallowed the tablets and lay down to wait for the oblivion he hoped would come.
When Jem rose next morning, he quickly washed and dressed before tapping lightly on Jack’s door. On hearing no answer, he quietly opened it and peered round at the bed. He saw Jack was flat out and breathing deeply. He withdrew as silently as he had entered, noting that the bottle had been left in a prominent position on the dresser, well out of reach from the bed. He knew that was a deliberate action which Jack had made. If he couldn’t reach them, he wouldn’t be tempted to take more too soon. Jem closed the door and made his way down to Frühstück. When he arrived in the Speisesaal, only Gottfried was present.
“Grüss Gott, Jem. Gisela is just making the coffee. She should be here shortly. Is Jack up, yet?”
“Grüss Gott. Jack is sleeping. He woke me in the small hours for sleeping tablets, so I don’t expect him to wake until Mittagessen.”
“He has finally given in then?”
“Yes. I’m glad as the lack of sleep was beginning to show in his actions and I’d hate for him to make a mistake because of it.” Gisela walked in with the coffee jug at this moment, so Gottfried let the conversation drop. Jem rose to greet her with a smile and briefly explain Jack’s absence from Frühstück. Nodding her understanding, Gisela proceeded to pour out the coffee and turned the conversation to general matters as the children arrived at the table.
It was almost noon when Jack finally woke. He looked groggily around the room, confused by his surroundings at first. As his memory returned, he realised where he was. Glancing at the clock on the bedside cabinet, he flung back the covers and swung his legs over the side. He perched on the edge of the bed for a few minutes as he fought the dizzying sensation which overwhelmed him. Eventually, he felt able to stand up properly. He managed to reach the bathroom without staggering and leaned against the sink whilst he ran the water. He hated the complete disorientation and dizziness he had when he woke from a drugged sleep.
Once he had dressed, Jack went downstairs to the Salon, where he found Gisela sitting doing embroidery. She looked up at him with a smile as he entered.
“Grüss Gott, Jack. You’re just in time for Mittagessen.”
“Grüss Gott, Gisela. Where is everyone?”
“The girls are at school and Gottfried and Jem went to the Sanatorium this morning. Jem said to tell you he’d be there all day, if you wanted him.” Gisela rose and led the way to the Speisesaal. They sat down to a light meal and Gisela kept the conversation on neutral topics. She could see that Jack was still tired, though he seemed to be a little more forthcoming than he had been so far on this visit. Once they had finished, Jack thanked her and went to find his coat.
The walk to the Sanatorium was long enough to enable Jack to begin to feel as if he was beginning to function properly once more. He hoped he could manage without having to take the tablets again that night. He reached the entrance and nodded a greeting to the receptionist as he passed. Upon reaching the office he and Jem were using, he found no one there. He removed his outer garments and went in search of coffee, returning just as Jem came from the other direction. They both entered the office and made themselves comfortable in armchairs set in the corner.
“Did you put Herr Ziegler up to that proposal?” Jack asked, bluntly.
“No. He wrote to me a few weeks ago, suggesting that a Deputy Head may be something worth looking into. He thought that the post could cover both here and Wales until I pointed out that it wouldn’t be practical since it would involve too much travelling between them.”
“Yes, that would be rather impractical, especially if the person appointed had family. Why was here chosen in preference to the Welsh branch? I’d have thought it would make more sense to have a Deputy there since it’s the larger of the two.”
“There’s too much red tape involved to be able to just put a deputy in place there. Here, we have much more control, provided the board agree, which is why it was suggested we try it out here first.”
“Why me, then?”
“Because you’d be good at the job. It was only because you were so adamant at the time that you weren’t placed as Head here when we opened it. I know you had your reasons and that you needed the stability of being in England, which was why I didn’t force the issue and sent Gottfried out here instead. Now, well, time has moved on and I think you need a new challenge.”
“I’m still not sure I’m the right person to do the job. I’m useless at social niceties and I’d be expected to take them on, as well as the fact that I still suffer from bouts of depression and insomnia.”
“They’re becoming less frequent though. Gottfried and Gisela would continue to handle the social side of the job and you’d only have to attend when necessary. It would be a secondment, initially. If it proves to be worthwhile, then it may become permanent and we’d look at establishing something similar at the Welsh branch. If you decide it isn’t for you, then you’d return to your current position.”
“I see.” Jack lapsed into silence. He needed to think over the proposal and consider what he had just been told before he committed himself. Eventually, he looked directly at Jem. “Okay. I’ll take it on. You’re right that I need a new challenge, though I’m not sure if this is the right one. At least if I do it as a secondment for six months, you’ll be able to see if the position is a tenable one, whether I stay in it or not.”
“That sounds fair enough to me. I’m sure Herr Ziegler will be happy with the proposal you’ve just made.”
“When do you expect the post to begin?”
“It’ll probably take a couple of months to sort out everything out. You’ll need accommodation out here for a start. Paperwork will need to be done, as well as you handing over the department in Wales. I’m sure Gottfried will happily search out somewhere for you to live, so you don’t need to be back and forth.” Jack rose and walked over to the desk to pick up the calendar. He studied it for a few moments, mentally noting dates in his head.
“Make it July. That gives us enough time to make sure there’s a proper handover.” Jem looked shrewdly at Jack, suspecting that there was more to the request than just a handover period. However, he didn’t push the point, just agreed easily before suggesting that Jack contact Herr Ziegler to let him know what was happening. Jack agreed and both men went their separate ways to begin making the Deputy Head position a reality.