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Taro does not know exactly when he fell in love. He had those feelings for quite some times, sure. It was more like he longed for something, without knowing why. Easy to dismiss.
Until he understands.
Why this time and not another, he doesn’t know.
They are drinking, all the team, with Jiro and Chie, Yuudai and Taisei, and Shigeru who kindly joined because of pity for Taro, for him not to be the fifth wheel. Shigeru with his kind eyes and who listens easily to everyone. Taro envies him, just a little bit, because Shigeru would never make all the mistakes he did as an older brother.
And then… and then, there’s a light blush on his cheeks, because of alcohol surely, and Taro is staring at them, thinks they are wonderful. Just that little blush. He could watch this face forever. It falls on him like a ton of bricks.
He has a crush on Shigeru. He stands up, a little too abruptly, and everyone is watching him now. He stammers :
“I uh, I gotta smoke one” and leaves them.
The cold does little to calm him down. What the fuck, he thinks, what the fuuuuuuuck. He shakes as he lights his cig and thinks back.Does he like Shigeru ?
His stomach flutters. So yeah, okay, too late ti bury his head to the fact. He likes him. Well, that’s new, he never loved a man before, but you’re never too old for a first time, right?
Now, what does he do? More than gender, he never seduced a friend before, he’s a bit lost. Getting all cocky and flirty seems wrong with Shigeru. Taro had sometimes bared his soul before him, he would know something is up.
You coward. Just tell him, screams his mind. Easier said than done.
Last time he was in love… he can’t properly recall. Of spite, he falls back on the last time he went out with someone. She was nice, had a nice body. And eyes full of mischief that struck a cord within him. How did they get together? Taro thinks she asked him. Did he ever… wait did he ever asked someone out?
He lights another cig.
No he never did. The fuck. He did hit on people, many times, but that’s not the same when you know you just fuck this person once and then you never see them again.
Now what does he do? Couldn’t he stay oblivious one more day, so his realization did not come in a middle of a party?
Taro groans.
First things first. Does Shigeru like men? From what he knows, Shigeru had a girlfriend some times ago, but that’s all. That does not mean anything. Taisei had only girlfriends before going out with Yuudai. But it’s Taisei.… Taisei’s Taisei. Shigeru, it’s something else.
And then, even if he was bi, he could very well not be into Taro.
It’s one of those times he wished he could get drunk. Maybe he can flirt and pass it off as drunkeness if nothing comes out. He bits his lips. Shigeru may already knows that he fakes drunkeness, he can’t remember if he ever told him. And they drank enough together for Shigeru to know how Taro acts when (fake-)drunk. And that’s usually not flirty.
Maybe he should go on the honesty panel after all. He just need the right occasion.
Shigeru opens the door juste there, and Taro curses the world. Couldn’t he get a little more preparation?
“Ya okay Taro ? You smok’d more than one, right ?”
“It’s the third. Want one?”
Shigeru takes one, and their fingers brushes. The heart of Taro skips a beat. He passes a hand on his face. That’s like the best and worst thing. Shigeru lights his cig. Taro watches those lips, wondering in the back of his mind the taste they would have.
“So, what’s bothering you?”
“Something’s bothering me?”
“C’mon Taro”
“I huh… understood something and had to think ‘bout that.“
”Nothin’ wrong?”
“No, but… huh” Come on screams his mind DO IT
" I-I’m very bad at this.“
”What? Somethin’ happen’d?“
”Oh, that’s not bad although it depends on what I can do about it, and turns out I’m a huge shit when it comes to this kind of stuff…“
”Well, I don’t know what yer talkin’ about, but I’m here to help, an’ the others too“
Taro dares take a look at Shigeru. He’s watching him. He’s still chilling, but there’s a hint of concern in his eyes. Taro turns his head, staring at the street. They take of few puffs, silently.
”I like you.“
There, I said it. Now I got to go through the consequences. There’s silence, for an indefinite amount of time. Taro is feeling like he’s out of his body. Lowering his gaze, he sees a cigarette, half smoked, on the sidewalk. He crouches to take it, and when he gets up, he realizes it’s Shigeru’s. He looks at him, and Shigeru just stares, his mouth slightly open. Uh, so that didn’t went so well after all. Maybe he should just shut up. He holds out the half-smoked cigarette. Shigeru automatically takes it and takes a puff. And looks away.
There’s something in Taro’s throat. Now, he almost regrets.
He could say he was joking. You’re not.
He could just go inside and forget this. You can’t.
He could kiss him right there, at least he’d have had a taste of the taller man. You won’t.
”Man, you could say something.“
”I uh… wasn’t expectin’ that.“
”Well me neither, yet here we are.“
Silence.
”Listen, I preferred to be honest, y’know. So here. I like you. It can go nowhere, no problem. But if you have to crush my hopes, you may as well do it now. I’m a simple man, and I can hear a no.“
”Taro, you just told me how ya feel, you never did sumthin’ that went if only a lil in this direction before, and then you want me to give you an answer right now? Yer serious?“
Taro takes another cig, before replacing it in the pack. Another one won’t help.
”Well, I said I’m bad at this.“
Shigeru is now pinching his nose, eyes closed, frowned eyesbrows. Taro could find that funny, if that didn’t hurt this much. He could hope, he wants to hope, but he knows, deep down, if Shigeru ever thought about him like that, he wouldn’t be in this state.
”Well, you’re right, I take it back, you don’t have to answer. Y’can forget what I said."
And goes inside the bar, trying to bury his feelings. Whatever he did (could have done), he messed (would have messed) it up. But now he knows why he longs for, and he does not have to live through the uncertainty. So he grins his pain away when going to his friends.
It’s time for a wonderful evening. He’ll need lots of booze.