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Sara Ryder dragged herself towards Lexi's medbay, if there was anyone who would let her be alone without being alone , then it was her favorite Asari doctor. Dr. T'Perro, or Lexi as everyone called her, had a better idea of her work/friendship balance with all of them now and she would know not to pry as to why Ryder had decided to hide out here to be alone.
Gods, she really didn't want to be alone alone. It had been a year since her father died after Ark Hyperion struck out in Andromeda, lost and alone with the first thing they saw being the Scourge. A year has passed since her brother's awakening after cryo had been interrupted and then she's been dead.
Twice.
It was a lot to deal with and she wanted to keep up her facade in front of her crew, her friends who all saw her as this fearless, leader with her head on straight. She didn't want to scare them at all, not even Cora or Liam who would get it as they were on Habitat-7 with her and the rest of the Pathfinder team. But also, maybe not, they haven't quite gone through what she has.
That wasn't fair though, she grimaced at the thought, it wasn't fair to them for her to belittle their struggles, even subconsciously, she berated herself as she walked into the medbay. Lexi looked over at her with a welcoming smile that faltered into something unsure when she saw her resident Pathfinder turn up, no doubt she looked like a wreck to the doctor.
"Ryder." Lexi put down her datapad and came over, hesitantly seeing as Ryder never came in to get treatment or take advantage of the services here unless she was forced or, you know, dead.
"I'm okay. Ah, just wanted to be alone, without, er, being alone?" She awkwardly explained, wincing while those words tumbled out of her mouth.
Lexi just nodded and patted a med bed before she went back over to her desk, resuming whatever work she had been doing on her datapad. Ryder let out a sigh of relief and hoisted herself up onto the bed, a little surprised that the doctor wasn't scanning her over to make sure for herself that she was as okay as she claimed to be, especially after handling more outlaws earlier in the week.
Yeah, that got pretty nasty, she mused as she drew one knee up to her chest, hugged it close and rested her cheek against said knee, her other leg remained dangling over the edge of the bed.
The outlaws had been tougher than normal, they had two mechs and at least five berserkers. One of each at any given time was hard enough but the fact they'd been pinned down in a remnant ruin, their backs against the wall and ammo was running out. Drack, Peebee and Jaal were running ragged, three of her best fighters when it came to holding the line even after things got bleak, even after shields were low and there seemed like no hope.
Except, then? It really seemed like they were losing, they'd only taken down two berserkers and both mechs had only been at half health according to SAM. Ryder had done her best to joke about what was happening, try to keep it up but she knew it fell on deaf ears. She saw they were ready to call it and they were ready to try and retreat or die fighting to keep the civilians safe as they evacuated.
Ryder knew that for them to be ready to call it, then they really were at their last straws. So, she did something utterly stupid that she really hope didn't get recorded by someone's camera and spread out. She activated her biotics and charged the remaining berserkers, tapping into a part of her that stayed hidden, a place where all her anger and rage at this galaxy stayed locked away and she used it as a tool to rip apart the berserkers. In a way, she was one herself at the time, as she turned around and charged towards the heavy mechs, purple tinting her vision as she provided a very handy distraction to their backup, which was Cora, Liam and Vetra on the shuttle.
They were meant to wait until Ryder cleared out and strike from above but she didn't move. She ordered them to lock in on her position and fire, or else the whole damn colony was going up. Of course, they argued and refused but she knew what she had to do, she ordered SAM to override the controls and fire the projectiles that would take out the heavy mechs.
She used every ounce of her biotic power to shield herself and then create a secondary shield that encompassed the rockets and mechs. Essentially, she made a protective shield to keep everything inside , even if it meant her own shields would fail and she would be injured or worse, killed again trying to protect this colony.
There had been a lot of smoke from what outside accounts had told her and shown because believe it or not, there had been someone recording. She remembered seeing her entire team rush towards where there was now a crater in the middle of the ground, Cora yelling into a comm, presumably about medical evac even if none of them were positive she'd survived that kind of impact.
Then, they all stopped as her charred glove smacked the rim of the crater. She had had enough juice and functionality left in her jets to get her up but she could only get that far before everything sparked and fizzled out. But she was alive and immediately dragged over the edge by an overly exuberant Drack who had been presumably saying things in her ringing ears. She hadn’t been able to understand him, still dazed and dizzy from what the hell she managed to pull off despite all the odds being against them.
Peebee, her unofficial bondmate, had been far from impressed at her idiocy. She’d pushed Drack back and the rest of their teammates aside just so she could wack Ryder and then pull her into a tight hug in front of everyone. If the human wasn't mistaken, there had even been a few tears and murmurs of, "Don't you dare pull that shit again."
Ryder had even been told, after she woke up in the medbay, that Peebee had refused to leave her side the entire time she’d been under for her recovery.
She wasn’t gonna lie, it kind of felt good to have someone to worry over her like this since Scott seemed preoccupied with other things and didn’t want to come check on her in person. He avoided the Tempest like the plague , always talking through assistants and others instead of contacting her personally. Lexi and Suvi both agreed that he may feel guilty for not being there for her when their dad died and she suddenly had to spearhead relationships with the Angara and fight kett, raiders and exiles to make Heleus livable for the Initiative.
Well, if that was the case, then why hadn’t he been there when she woke up?
“Ryder? SAM tells me your vitals spiked, are you alright?” Lexi asked her, startling her out of the recap playing in her mind. “Nothing seems to physically ail you…” The doctor frowned at her omnitool before she shot a curious look at the Pathfinder, if it was more mental, then that was a little out of her depth but she’d be more than willing to listen to her ‘friend’ if it would help. They’d been through enough that Lexi had moved past the whole doctor-patient only thing and considered them friends when she needed to be more than her medical personna to help someone feel better.
Ryder winced. Had she really been that obvious? “Ah, just, stressed.”
“Do you want to talk? Maybe it can be helpful to share, you know, like you’ve harassed us about on more than one occasion.” Lexi chuckled, finally glad to be able to give her friend/coworker a taste of her own medicine in this case.
It was a generous offer but Sara honestly didn’t feel like talking about it, she really didn’t want to be a burden to anyone and speculate as they might, none of them would know if she kept it all inside like she aimed to do. So, she said thanks but she wanted to see if a walk would help her any before she spilled her guts. “That won’t be a pretty sight,” she joked weakly before fleeing the room and hoped that Lexi wouldn’t tell Peebee.
(But really, she didn't trust SAM not to, the damn AI knew that her girlfriend was good at getting her to talk. Hell, maybe that wouldn't be so bad actually.)
She changed into her usual workout gear once she was in the confinement of her room, but only after she instructed SAM not to let anyone in. He probably wouldn't listen, he'd still send Peebee up from wherever she was if she didn't come in by herself as it was her room too. But really, she'd try and pretend for at least an hour if she was lucky.
Ryder set out to work her punching bag she had Drack help her install in her room a while back. He, of course, offered up his time if she wanted to let out steam with a real Krogan. The thought had crossed her mind once or twice today but he was more of a father than her own, he'd ask if she was okay and if she wanted to talk which had been the last thing she wanted at the time.
Now, she realized as she kept punching her bag, it might not have been a bad idea.
"You look frustrated." The wonderful, sultry voice of her girlfriend interrupted her next jab. Ryder was impressed, she had gotten about 45 minutes to herself before Peebee came in to see her. "And before you ask, SAM simply encouraged me to see you. I missed you all on my own." Peebee came over, clearly ready to distract Sara from whatever was bothering her.
"You didn't have to come up, though I'm not going to turn you away." Sara picked up her towel with the intent on wiping her neck and face off, only for Peebee to come closer and steal it from her. "Hey!"
"You know I like this sweaty look on you." Her girlfriend tapped her chin a few times, a contemplative look on her face as she scrutinized Sara. "But you know what I think would help you?"
Ryder was almost afraid to know. "What?" She asked cautiously.
"A shower with your amazing girlfriend, obviously."
"You just like washing my hair." Sara didn't argue, instead, she followed after Peebee into her own private shower which was definitely their shower now.
"Can you blame me? It's so soft!"
Sara rolled her eyes as she started up the warm water, thankful to have her own bathroom considering the multitude of other people who could (and would) walk in on her and Peebee in the communal showers. That had only happened once but god, once was enough, especially since it was Cora and she couldn't look her in the eye for weeks after no matter how much the huntress said she'd seen worse.
Peebee didn't hesitate to bury her fingers in Sara's hair, happily combing through dark locks that had the 'cutest silvery strands' that were like kryptonite to the Asari. "I'm kind of offended, babe, I thought I was your go-to Asari, not Lexi."
Sara chuckled. "Don't worry, I ran as soon as Lexi started asking questions." She tilted her head down so Peebee could massage shampoo into her scalp, the motion pulled a sound akin to a purr from her chest because it was the best feeling to have someone you loved playing with your hair.
"Good, although…" she hummed thoughtfully and lightly scratched Sara's scalp. "You do know you can talk to any of us, right? You can tell me what's bothering you, you know?"
And really, Sara knew that but sometimes, it was hard to let go of the easy going, always helpful Pathfinder persona that she donned around everyone. It was… odd to have someone be her shoulder to cry on when she was the one who always hit people up with a soft smile and kind words.
Still, kind of nice.
"I know, I just needed to be… alone? Without being alone, I didn't want to talk and Lexi usually doesn't bother me when I'm in my 'serious mode'." Her use of air quotes pulled a giggle from her girlfriend who was now in the middle of washing the suds out of her hair.
"Have you ever talked to yourself? When you first met the Angara, you said-"
"Yeah, I know , at least I didn't get eaten alive."
"At least, not by them." Sara reached around and whacked Peebee, not even having to look at her to know there was a shit eating grin on her lips. "Oh come on, that was a good one!"
"I hate you."
"Actually, I've heard the opposite, I dare say you love me, Pathfinder."
Sara turned around and pulled Peebee in by her hips, kissing her softly while warm water continued to beat down on them. "I do, but that doesn't mean you're not a little shit sometimes."
Peebee grinned, wrapped her arms around Sara's neck just to lean into and press their foreheads together. "At least I'm yours."
And well hell, she couldn't argue with that.
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After they dried off and got sidetracked when Peebee decided to smack her ass with a towel, they lied back in bed together, barely dressed but that didn't matter all that much to them anymore. Especially since Sara had the big handy curtains for the windows now, she could have always turned the visibility setting to zero but the curtains looked…. homier.
"So, are you gonna talk to me?" Peebee shifted and settled comfortably on Sara's shoulder with one arm slung over her stomach to keep the Pathfinder close as if Sara would run off. Which she wasn't planning on doing, not unless Peebee wanted to run away with her, off to a new adventure.
Sara briefly contemplated shutting down and going to sleep instead but she knew her wicked girlfriend would just pin her down and tickle her into a laughing fit until she broke. "Yeah just… today marks a year, y'know? Since the Hyperion came to Andromeda. Since we landed on Habitat 7…"
Understanding dawned on Peebee. "Your brother and your dad. Shit, I can't believe I forgot."
"No, no, I didn't want to make a big deal about it!"
"Well, still, I wanted to be here for you for the whole day."
Sara looked a little guilty, she couldn't let Peebee blame herself for all of it, that's just not fair to her. "I avoided most everyone. Hid out in places, then I did some stuff off ship by myself. It's not like I was making it easy." She admitted, pointedly ignoring the probing look she was on the receiving end of.
Peebee shifted suddenly, straddling Sara's hips and made her look up at her. "Well, stop. You don't have to be the strong one all the time, you know? You don't have to always move on and blaze a new trail, I'm here. Your damn sappiness made sure of it." She placed a slender blue hand in the center of Sara's chest, making it extremely clear to the Pathfinder that she meant what she said.
Sara felt overwhelmed honestly. She knew Peebee would get the whole, stunted emotions thing but did she have to be so damn sweet at the same time? It was gonna make her cry and that was definitely the last thing she wanted.
"You hear me?" Peebee's voice stopped her from getting too teary eyed and she just nodded in response, a little sniffle escaping her. "I love you, you dork."
Well, that was an easy emotion to deal with. "I love you , you ass." She chuckled wetly as Peebee smacked her before she leaned all the way down and kissed her sweetly.
There was still a ways to go before Sara would feel like she could open up fully, but hey, she's the Pathfinder, she's faced far worse than stupid emotions with far less support than she had now. Having Peebee by her side, dragging her into the light was the best way to learn how to be free and she definitely wasn't about to let that go anytime soon.
Not by a longshot.