Work Text:
“Why do you want to be an idol?”
Ruki did not understand love. It was a familiar yet a foreign concept for him. He heard his friend talking about loving the braided girl next door or his another friend recounting his experience having crush (it is the same thing, right?) on his former kindergarten teacher. His parents often say they love him. He usually responded with “I love you too” but most of the time those words were still laced with curiosity. It contained so many things he still could not figure out. His understanding of his love towards his parents were different with the love he saw outside his home. Love was too broad of a concept, and that was the only thing about love Ruki was certain about. He never had difficulties in communicating with his parents and yet, Ruki could not tell them that he, an adolescent, still could not understand what actually love is. It has something to do with attraction — that part, he kind of understand. But what makes one attractive, it was still pretty difficult to comprehend.
Romantic comic books maybe are not the most reliable source when it comes to understanding love, but Ruki was a teen. And for guys his age, there were nothing more accessible and understandable than stories about nice girls who fall in love with bad boys (also starring: nice friend of the bad guy crushing on the girl but will never get a chance because the author is cruel like that). As he grew up a little bit older, Ruki found those stories quite unrealistic at times — still entertaining, nevertheless — so he closed his page on romantic comic books to search for another platform, hoping to deepen his understanding towards love. He still visited them sometimes, though. And as short as this phase went by, Ruki actually learned something from those comic books. They strengthen Ruki's belief that love is all, all about attraction. And this attraction thing did not work the same for every people. It was different in a way Ruki could not really explain. Some rich guys in the comic books can be really attractive to another rich girls, but not to a nerd average girl who got into a prestigious school with a scholarship.
From that, Ruki wrote his own law of attraction. If he wants to be loved, he has to be attractive. How to achieve that state of attractiveness, it was on him to figure that out.
Ruki thought he figured out one or two things about love. He did not.
Beyond the romantic books, love would go harder to understand the more you try to make it make sense. You could not simplify it to a formula like how you do Math or Physics. There were too much of unexpected, sometimes unexplained foreign variables. Ruki's fault was he wrote his formula too simple without a place for the X factors to be squeezed in. His law of attraction was basically if a then b; if you are attractive, you will be loved. Ruki had gone various places in order to be attractive. He styled his hair. Dyed it blonde, sometimes brown. He came up with catchphrases. He learned to play guitar and sing. He stepped forward to lead. He presented the best version of him so people would be pleased. And for that, he deserved love. He had to give something first so he would be able to receive another.
Things got confusing when his world was reset. Nothing changed much, honestly, except from some of the things that contribute to his attractiveness were ripped out from him. In this world that was supposed to be the same, Ruki had to take few steps back. Baton of leadership was no longer his. He was not shoved aside but not standing at front and center either. Ruki did not want to admit that at first he felt like losing himself. Parts of himself that made him attractive were gone. He would not be able to receive love as much as he did before —
— or so, he thought.
It was surprising to know that there were people cheering at him, saying “We love you!” to him, even though they were complete stranger before, the people who did not witness the more attractive version of him. Was the Shiroiwa Ruki standing in front of them right now, attractive enough for that? Ruki could not answer for those people, but he could answer for myself. And the answer was no. The current Shiroiwa Ruki was not that attractive. The love he received right now, was something Ruki thought he did not deserve. Because he was less than before.
Ruki still did not understand love.
“I like to sing and dance.”
“Anything else?”
Ruki took his time to think.
“I thought, if i poured all my love to do something I really like, and present it to people ... I would be loved the same way I love.”
There is gentleness on Sho's eyes as he stares at Ruki, a table apart, who stares at his own cup of coffee. His stomach will not be able to tolerate caffeine at this hour, but Sho made this for him, he does not have an option to refuse. After all, Sho was the one who invited him to this conversation. Ruki has to position himself as a guest, and what a guest is going to do is to respect the host.
“I'm glad you told me this.” Sho taps on the table, out of habit. “Thank you for trusting me.”
“I mean you sounds really concerned. All I did was telling the interviewers that i wanted love and you looked like I tried to steal something.” Ruki tries to brush this conversation off with a joke, but Sho stands unaffected. He still looks serious.
“You said to me that I don't have to bear everything alone,” Sho responds. “I do appreciate the thoughts, but I think you also need to do the same. You have to share your burden. I hope you can trust me. We are going to be together for quite a long time, no?”
Ruki lifts his head, looking at Sho. Sho was once foreign too for Ruki. Time and proximity helped them to understand each other. Maybe in this present time, Sho already knows about Ruki more than Ruki knows about Sho; judging from his initiative to get Ruki to talk, and how he perceived Ruki kind of hitting too close to home. Maybe, maybe, Sho also already knows Ruki more than Ruki knows himself.
“i ... don't know about this.” Ruki's legs start moving, restless. “I know what you want to know, but I don't know how to answer this.”
“It's okay. Take your time.” Sho sips his own coffee before he continues. “I will be waiting. I know it's probably hard to trust me but I will be waiting,” the way he repeats the word waiting had Ruki on edge.
“Okay. So, there are certain things that I can figure out so far.” Ruki inhales deeply. “I feel like I don't understand why people can love someone who is ... unattractive. And when I said unattractive, I refer to myself.”
“Unattractive? You? ” Sho chuckles. “What is this, an alternate universe?”
“Hear me out first,” Ruki interrupts quickly. “The amount of support i receive at this moment. I had people saying they love me. Those things feel ... unreal. I don't think I am attractive enough for that. I don't think I have shown them the best of me. I don't think —”
”— you deserved their love,” Sho, correctly, completes Ruki's sentence. “Am I right?”
Ruki cannot help but nod. Sho was true, after all.
“i am undeserving. It is confusing. It is ... overwhelming. If only the support I got was equal with my worth, I wouldn't be like this.”
Sho laughs. “Ruki, love is not always an equivalent exchange.”
“Then what is that?”
“Or maybe, it is an equivalent exchange, but without the exact measurement.” Sho clarifies, hoping that his thoughts will be conveyed more clearly. “You know, there are people who love you the way you are. Maybe the you they saw was different than the you you saw. For them, you deserve their love. It is a matter of perspective. You just cannot see the you they saw.”
Sho's words were quite difficult to process. Several seconds go by in silence, before Ruki breaks it with a question.
“And how would you see me?”
A reassuring smile appears on Sho's face.
“You worth all the love.”
“Am I really?”
“You are.”
“Why are you so sure while I can't even think of myself as deserving?”
“For now, you can't.” Sho says. “It takes time. But someday, you will.”
“This may sound quite peculiar, but hear me out first. There is something I believe in for a long time,” Sho tells Ruki. “Everyone is born with half of our souls detached from our bodies, wandering around, and finally break into pieces as they started to reside in the hearts of people who are destined to meet us. The fragments of our souls will grow as a part of those people, and that's why the you they know will be different than your perception of yourself.”