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The morning light had barely started slipping through the Jingshi's windows when Lan Wangji's body clock woke him up at precisely five am. The birds were chirping a happy melody outside his window, and beyond their song, he could hear the soft sounds that the person sleeping next to him was making. Wei Wuxian was practically on top of him, with an arm thrown over Lan Wangji's waist and his head resting on his chest.
Lan Wangji brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen onto Wei Wuxian's face, mostly to feel the solidity of him and make sure that he was real and not a hallucination. The contact made Wei Wuxian stir and curl closer to Lan Wangji, a sleepy sigh escaping his lips.
For sixteen years, on this date, Lan Wangji had woken up alone, in a state of overwhelming grief and crushing guilt. Initially, this morning was no different: Lan Wangji had woken up with the same heartache. But instead of the cold and empty bed and the deafening silence he had been expecting, there was a warm body curled around him, the sound of his heartbeats and his soft breathing a comforting lullaby to Lan Wangji.
For a terrible second, Lan Wangji thought he was still dreaming. It was only after he brushed Wei Wuxian's hair away, felt him stir and saw the lovemarks on his neck which he had put there last night that Lan Wangji was convinced that Wei Wuxian was not a hallucination, that he was really alive and well.
After gazing at his peacefully sleeping husband to his heart's content, Lan Wangji closed his eyes and settled back on his pillow. This day, like all the anniversaries before it for sixteen years, would be spent in the Jingshi, completely dedicated to Wei Wuxian.
***
Wei Wuxian woke up naturally, without his husband's coaxing, which was unusual. What was even more unusual was that he was currently lying on said husband's chest, and that he was still in bed with him.
Wei Wuxian propped himself up so his chin was resting on his hands, which were splayed on Lan Wangji's torso. Lan Wangji opened his eyes and looked at Wei Wuxian with a strange intensity.
"Good morning, Lan Zhan."
"Good morning," answered Lan Wangji, a hand reaching to brush Wei Wuxian's wild hair away from his face.
Wei Wuxian leaned into the touch. "What time is it?"
"Nine." Lan Wangji's hand was now at Wei Wuxian's cheek, tracing small circles with his thumb there.
"Nine?!" Wei Wuxian's eyes snapped open in surprise. "Is there something wrong? Why are you still in bed?"
"Because you're here," answered Lan Wangji, like it was the simplest thing in the world.
Embarrassed, Wei Wuxian hid his face in his hands for a second, willing himself not to squeal, before looking back up at Lan Wangji and saying, "How many times do I have to tell you? You have to warn me before you say things like that."
"Alright."
Chuckling, Wei Wuxian climbed higher on the bed and propped himself up on an elbow so that he was looking down at Lan Wangji. "I'm always here, though. Why did you stay today?"
Wei Wuxian had grown accustomed to Lan Wangji's silence. He would even say that he had mastered the art of deciphering what it meant and understanding him without the need for words. But now, after analyzing his husband's silence and studying his eyes, he came up blank. Lan Wangji's eyes were distant, looking not at him but through him as his fingers drew invisible patterns on Wei Wuxian's chest. He was lost in thought, but what kind of thought could keep the renowned Hanguang-Jun in bed for four hours more than the rules allowed?
Wei Wuxian took Lan Wangji's hand in his and held it against his heart, making Lan Wangji finally look up at him.
"Lan Zhan, what's wrong?"
"It's been seventeen years..."
"Seventeen years?" Wei Wuxian asked.
"Today marks seventeen years."
Understanding dawned on Wei Wuxian. Today marked the seventeenth anniversary of his death.
"Oh," he replied lamely. He didn't know what was expected of him. After all, he was back now and there was no more reason for Lan Wangji to grieve, but the latter still looked melancholic and distant, and Wei Wuxian wanted nothing more than to make that sadness disappear.
"Are you reminding me of how much lost time we have to make up for?" Wei Wuxian asked suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows.
But his attempt at humor was met with silence. Just as he was about to push the subject, he found himself being gently pushed away by Lan Wangji who sat up at the edge of the bed.
Wei Wuxian sat up on his knees behind him and peeked over Lan Wangji's shoulder to find him studying his hands, lost in thought. It was unsettling to see his usually calm and collected husband so upset.
With a hand on Lan Wangji's shoulder, Wei Wuxian started softly, "Lan Zhan-"
"I'm sorry," Lan Wangji cut him off.
Wei Wuxian chuckled. "Aren't you the one who said there was no need for 'thank you' and 'sorry' between us?"
"I should've been by your side," Lan Wangji continued as if Wei Wuxian hadn't spoken. "I should've protected you."
Wei Wuxian gave up on trying to lighten the mood. With a sigh, he said, "Lan Zhan, I said I don't blame you and I meant it. The whole cultivation world was against me, you couldn't have stood against them." An unwarranted bitter laugh escaped his lips. "Hell, my own brother didn't stand against them for me, I wasn't expecting you to, and I don't blame you for making the wise choice."
"The wise choice would've been bringing you to Cloud Recesses the moment things started taking turn for the worst."
"I wouldn't have agreed to stay back then." A sad truth they both knew. "And you wouldn't have kept me against my will."
Wei Wuxian understood the silence that followed for what it was: Lan Wangji agreed with him, but it wasn't making him feel any better.
"Look at me," Wei Wuxian said, and when Lan Wangji glanced back at him, Wei Wuxian was relieved to see that although his eyes were still distant, the agony he had seen in them earlier had lessened.
"Dwelling on the past won't fix it, it'll only ruin the present. And the present," he said, wrapping an arm around Lan Wangji and resting his head on his shoulder, "is so good. Let's enjoy it."
Lan Wangji turned around, hooked an arm around Wei Wuxian's waist and pulled him onto his lap. He hugged him so tight Wei Wuxian could feel Lan Wangji's pulse where their chests were flush against one another.
With a kiss to Lan Wangji's ear, Wei Wuxian whispered, "I love you."
"I love you, too," came Lan Wangji's reply as he laid his husband back on the bed.
***
Lan Wangji had come to find out that although Wei Wuxian enjoyed some roughness in bed, he loved to be held and cuddled afterwards. That's why he had ended up holding Wei Wuxian against his chest, arms wrapped around his shoulders as they both laid on their sides facing each other.
The sounds of their breath rising and falling, mingled with the morning birds' tune, their physical proximity and Wei Wuxian's words from earlier, was almost enough to make Lan Wangji forget why he had woken up in such a foul mood. But then Wei Wuxian's stomach rumbled in hunger, and Lan Wangji remembered why he was still in bed this late.
He started trying to disentangle himself from Wei Wuxian when the latter stopped him.
"Where are you going?" Wei Wuxian asked.
"To get you breakfast."
"You've been doing that everyday for months now. Let me do it this time, since I'm up before you for once."
Lan Wangji wanted to protest, but Wei Wuxian had already gotten up and was pulling on his outer robe by the time Lan Wangji processed what he had said.
"You're going to cook?"
Wei Wuxian laughed. "You could at least try to sound excited, Lan Zhan. But don't worry, I'm not. It's so late now that there's probably plenty of food that was made by others in the kitchen."
To Lan Wangji's horror, Wei Wuxian didn't even bother brushing his hair. He just combed a hand through it before tying it up with his ribbon, giving Lan Wangji a quick peck on the lips and heading out. The rational voice inside his head was telling him that he should reprimand him for the untidiness, but Lan Wangji couldn't bring himself to listen to that voice right now.
He decided that, as he awaited Wei Wuxian's return, he would proceed with his usual yearly routine. So he went to his desk where his qin was laying and started playing, his fingers instinctively landing on the strings of the song he had played about a million times already.
***
Wei Wuxian realised that his appearance was probably disastrous and that the Lan Clan disciples were probably silently judging him, but he didn't pay them any mind, he was too busy making a mental list of all of Lan Wangji's favorite foods and praying he would find them in the kitchen to bring back to him. He wanted to spoil Lan Wangji like Lan Wangji had been spoiling him since they had gotten together months ago, and to show him how much he appreciated everything Lan Wangji did for him.
A delicious smell reached Wei Wuxian's nose before he had even stepped into the kitchen. Wei Wuxian slid the door open, hoping that whoever was in the kitchen was making enough food for him to borrow some. In other circumstances, Wei Wuxian would've had no problem doing the cooking himself and then indulge in watching his husband try to eat the meal without showing how much he hated it. Today, however, Wei Wuxian had decided he would be as good to Lan Wangji as he was to him, which meant having to forego seeing Lan Wangji's ears go crimson red from the spices.
"Senior Wei," a young voice suddenly exclaimed.
Wei Wuxian's smile grew when he saw Lan Sizhui. "Sizhui, what are you doing here?"
Lan Sizhui put the tray he was holding down on the table and put his hands together to salute Wei Wuxian. "Senior Wei, I was..."
Wei Wuxian crossed the rest of the distance so he was standing right in front of the table. Peeking, he saw that the tray contained a tea kettle, two cups and more food than one person could eat all by themselves. When Wei Wuxian looked back up at Lan Sizhui, the youth's face had the slightest pink tinge, and his hands were fidgeting with the hilt of his sword.
Wei Wuxian grinned. "Who's this for? Ah- no don't answer, I don't want to hear it. A-Yuan is all grown up now and has someone staying in his room overnight and eating breakfast with him. Soon he'll marry and leave us," Wei Wuxian wailed dramatically.
He deemed his theatrics worth it for the way Lan Sizhui's eyes widened in shock and he started frantically shaking his head, his cheeks turning more and more red by the second.
"Senior Wei, it's not like that at all," Lan Sizhui said, still shaking his head. "I've already had breakfast, it's not for me."
At Wei Wuxian's widening grin, he quickly added, "Or for anyone staying in my room."
"It isn't?" Wei Wuxian hummed thoughtfully. "Then who is it for?"
The little embarrassment that had finally left Lan Sizhui's face returned. "Well..." he started nervously.
Wei Wuxian raised an eyebrow and let the silence pressure him into finishing. He had considered leaving the poor boy alone, since he clearly didn't want to answer, but Wei Wuxian was just too curious to let the matter go.
"It's for Hanguang-Jun," Lan Sizhui finally spit out.
"Huh?" Wei Wuxian frowned. "Lan Zhan?"
Lan Sizhui silently nodded, his face now an impossibly bright shade of red.
"Why are you bringing him food?"
"Because it's -you know- today. And I've been doing that for a couple years now..." he mumbled before suddenly looking up at Wei Wuxian .His voice was louder when he continued, "But please don't tell him it was me. I always leave the tray at his door, but he never eats it anyways."
"You always bring him food on this date? Why?"
"When I was a little child, maybe eleven or twelve, I asked Zewu-Jun where Hanguang-Jun was. The weather was nice and I didn't have lessons that day, so I wanted to go play with the bunnies with him. But Zewu-Jun told me that Hanguang-Jun wouldn't be leaving the Jingshi today and that I should go play with the other kids. When I asked what's wrong with him, Zewu-Jun just told me that years ago, on this date, Hanguang-Jun had lost someone very important to him, and now it has become a day of quiet mourning for him. He usually just stays in the Jingshi and plays the qin all day... I also noticed," Lan Sizhui added hesitantly, "that his fingers would be all bandaged up the next day, and that made me worry about him more."
Wei Wuxian was too lost in thought to notice Lan Sizhui had stopped talking until the boy cleared his throat.
"He played until his fingers bled?"
"I think so," answered Lan Sizhui.
"For the whole day? He doesn't leave the Jingshi for the whole day?"
Lan Sizhui nodded. "The next year was the same, but I noticed that I didn't see him go out to get food, and I didn't see anyone bring him any. And the year after that as well. That's when I decided to start bringing him food. I was only a child, and was convinced he could die of starvation, so I've been leaving a full tray at his door every year, but it's always still full when he brings it back to the kitchen the next day."
"He doesn't eat anything the whole day, either?"
"No," Lan Sizhui answered. "But I guess since you're back, that's different now. I shouldn't have made this."
Lan Sizhui was scratching his arm nervously and didn't notice Wei Wuxian's gentle smile. Wei Wuxian put a hand on his arm and waited for the young boy to look up at him.
"Thank you," he said, when he finally did. "For being there for him when I couldn't."
Wei Wuxian couldn't imagine what his life would be like now if he had been reborn into a world where Lan Wangji had been completely alone for sixteen years and had given up on life or had seriously injured himself.
Lan Sizhui smiled shyly. "He was there for me, too. He saved me."
A sad smile tugged at Wei Wuxian's lips. He only allowed himself a few seconds of reminiscence about the time spent on The Burial Mounds with A-Yuan and the rest of Wens before pulling himself together. He gave Lan Sizhui's shoulder a couple of pats, then grabbed the tray.
"I'll be taking this then," he said, trying to sound light again.
"Right," Lan Sizhui nodded. "I hope you like it."
"It smells so good, he'll never believe I'm the one who made it," Wei Wuxian said. "I'll be sure to tell him it's from you."
"Wait, no!" Lan Sizhui tried to stop him, but Wei Wuxian was already out of the kitchen.
***
Wei Wuxian was about to push the door open when he heard a familiar tune from inside the Jingshi. It took him less than a second to recognize it: their song, Wangxian. As quietly as he could, Wei Wuxian made his way into his home where he, as expected, found Lan Wangji sitting at his desk, plucking at his qin's strings.
He was close enough now that there was no way Lan Wangji hadn't noticed him, yet he didn't stop his playing. Wei Wuxian set the tray down on the desk and sat next to Lan Wangji. He leaned his head on his husband's shoulder, careful not to jostle him and disturb his playing, and closed his eyes. He let his mind wander as he lost himself to the rise and fall of the music.
He had always associated this tune with comfort. He hadn't known its source at the time, but this song was the first song he played in Burial Mounds after carving a barely-functional flute from bamboo. He had been terrified, certain that he wouldn't survive that place, but unwilling to give up without a fight. In the midst of that turmoil, his mind searched for comfort in his memories, but came up blank. His happiest memories were of his days spent in Lotus Cove, but the thought of it filled him with grief, guilt and rage over what had happened to his family.
So when he put the flute against his lips, they unconsciously started playing this tune. Maybe it was because he associated it with comfort since Lan Wangji had first played it to him to make him feel better in Xuanwu Cave, or maybe it was simply because he unconsciously associated it with Lan Wangji who, even though Wei Wuxian hadn't understood why at the time, was what Wei Wuxian's thoughts would always escape to at his worst moments. Whenever he started to lose hope for survival and despair started tying a noose around his neck, he took refuge in the memories of months spent in Cloud Recesses playing with bunnies, chasing after Lan Wangji and teasing him, all the while being so impressed by everything about him and hoping to capture his attention without really understanding why it mattered to him so much.
Wei Wuxian chuckled at his own stupidity. He knew he had had feelings for Lan Wangji way before he had finally figured out their meaning, but the farther back into his memories he dug, the more he found that he had always had an infatuation with him, from their first fight on the roof, he had been unable to get him out of his head.
Wei Wuxian only realized the music had stopped when he was brought back to the present by an arm curling around his shoulders.
"Do you want to go back to bed?" Lan Wangji's low voice asked.
"No," Wei Wuxian said, raising his head so he was sitting properly. "I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking."
Lan Wangji started to withdraw his arm from around Wei Wuxian's shoulders, but Wei Wuxian stopped him. "Where do you think you're going? You dug your own grave, Lan Zhan, you know once I'm in your arms I won't budge."
"Mn," Lan Wangji replied, expectedly. Unexpectedly, however, he wrapped both arms around Wei Wuxian's waist and pulled him onto his lap.
Laughing, Wei Wuxian leaned back against Lan Wangji's chest and said, "Lan Zhan, you really spoil me, you know?"
"Only what Wei Ying deserves," said Lan Wangji. Then, with a kiss to Wei Wuxian's neck, "Everything Wei Ying deserves."
Wei Wuxian couldn't help the undignified sound that had escaped him upon hearing that, something between a squeal and a groan. "Lan Zhan, seriously, my heart will burst if you keep saying things like that without warning."
Lan Wangji didn't reply, only tightened his arms around Wei Wuxian's waist and continued peppering kisses along his neck.
'I seriously don't deserve you,' Wei Wuxian thought, not because he looked down upon himself, but because lwj was a treasure that no mortal was deserving of... And yet he had given all of himself to Wei Wuxian.
"What were you thinking about?" Lan Wangji whispered against his neck.
"About how I have the best husband in the world," Wei Wuxian replied truthfully.
When Lan Wangji didn't answer him, Wei Wuxian twisted around to look at him, put a hand against his cheek and said in the most sincere tone he could muster, "Thank you, and I'm sorry."
"There's no need for that between us," said Lan Wangji, covering Wei Wuxian's hand with his own.
"Now you remember that?" teased Wei Wuxian, but he was serious again when he continued, "I mean it. I talked to Sizhui. He told me what you've been doing to yourself every year while I was gone."
Lan Wangji averted his gaze, looking instead at their hands and refusing to reply.
Wei Wuxian tilted Lan Wangji's chin up with his his pointer finger to catch his eyes. "Why? Did you think I would've wanted you to do that?"
"No."
Lan Wangji's short reply only made Wei Wuxian feel worse. With a bitter laugh, he spat out, "No wonder your uncle hates me so much. The hot-iron brand, the whips, and now this. Maybe he's right. Maybe you would've been better off if you'd never met me."
The words were out of Wei Wuxian's mouth before he could stop them. He only realized their weight when Lan Wangji's eyes widened in horror, his hands clinging to Wei Wuxian's robes as if he was afraid Wei Wuxian would get up and walk away from him right then.
With a sigh, Wei Wuxian placed a kiss on Lan Wangji's eyebrow and whispered, "I just hate seeing you get hurt, especially because of me. You don't deserve it."
"You didn't deserve any of the pain you went through, either."
Wei Wuxian laughed bitterly. "Many would disagree with you on that."
Despite his sullen response, Wei Wuxian wrapped his arms around Lan Wangji's shoulders and burried his face in the crook of his neck.
Lan Wangji's arms tightened around him. "They don't know you."
In an instance, Wei Wuxian found himself being crushed in a iron embrace, but he didn't mind it at all, on the contrary, it helped steady his heart and gave him the strength to say, "Lan Zhan, can you promise me something?"
"Anything," Lan Wangji answered without hesitation.
"If something happens to me again," he had to force himself to continue despite the way Lan Wangji's entire body had gone rigid with tension beneath him, "promise me you won't be hard on yourself."
"No."
Wei Wuxian had gotten used to Lan Wangji granting him anything he asked, so he was shocked at the swift refusal.
"Lan Zhan," he said, sitting up so he could look his husband in the eyes, "I'm serious-"
"So am I," Lan Wangji cut him off, his voice so intense it would have probably scared off the person he was talking to if it hadn't been Wei Wuxian who knew him more than he knew himself. "There's nothing to promise because nothing is going to happen to you."
Wei Wuxian sighed. "But if something were to happen to me, I don't want you to hurt yourself."
"I'm not going to let anything happen to you," Lan Wangji answered resolutely.
Something swelled in Wei Wuxian's chest. He was perfectly capable of defending himself, but to have someone promise to protect you, and to know that that promise is as genuine as can be, it was heartwarming.
Wei Wuxian clung to his husband again. Voice muffled against Lan Wangji's neck, he said, "Who knew the Second Jade of Gusu is this stubborn, huh?"
"Only about the things that matter most," said Lan Wangji as his arms encircled Wei Wuxian's waist again.
"A warning, Lan Zhan! I almost choked."
"Mn," hummed Lan Wangji, fingers tracing swirling patterns on Wei Wuxian's back.
They stayed like that for a while, content to just hold each other in the peace of the Jingshi.
Suddenly, Lan Wangji whispered, "I love you."
It wasn't that he'd never said it before, it was just that usually, Wei Wuxian was the one to initiate the exchange, and Lan Wangji would just reply to him. Of course, there was never a moment since they got together -and even before that, if Wei Wuxian was being honest with himself- when Wei Wuxian ever doubted that Lan Wangji loved him wholly, but he usually expressed it through actions instead of words, so the sudden vocalness surprised him.
"I love you more," Wei Wuxian whispered back.
There was a moment where they just gazed into each other's eyes, their eyes conveying what words could never, and Wei Wuxian was lost to it, completely enthralled in that intense amber gaze, until his stomach made a loud gurgling noise.
"Seriously?" Wei Wuxian groaned, his head falling back on Lan Wangji's shoulder.
Lan Wangji chuckled lightly. "It's late, let's eat."
The food was already cold by the time they were settled on the table, but Wei Wuxian didn't mind, he was too excited about the prospect of spending the entire day with Lan Wangji without anybody interrupting them.
"Lan Zhan," he exclaimed after taking the first bite out of his dumpling, "why do you never indulge me and play along in those 'I love you more' games?"
Wei Wuxian was only teasing. After all, he knew Lan Wangji was too dignified for something so silly, but Wei Wuxian had just wanted to watch his husband's ears blush at the idea. But instead of the expected 'shameless', Lan Wangji said, "That's unnecessary since I undoubtedly love you more."
This time, Wei Wuxian actually choked. Lan Wangji patted his back and poured him a cup of water, and Wei Wuxian was too busy trying to calm his breathing to notice the smug grin on Lan Wangji's face.