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“C’mon, kiss her!”
Annie lifted her head up from where it was resting on Britta’s shoulder to see who had called out to them, scrunching up her face in disgust. When she wasn’t able to identify who the voice belonged to, she turned back to Britta to look for a sign of how to respond. Britta gave her a look that said 'can you believe this?' and laughed, shaking her head. Annie didn’t know why, but the woman in her arms looked more beautiful to her than she ever had before.
"Maybe I should take his suggestion?"
Impulsively, she leaned in closer, parted her lips, and let her eyelids flutter shut. She felt Britta’s soft, velvety lips brush against hers ever so slightly before they were quickly pulled away. Annie opened her eyes to see a shocked Britta mere inches away from her face.
“Oh! I’m sorry, was I not supposed to do that? I mean, I didn’t mean to do that. It sort of just happened? Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” Annie stammered.
Britta started blankly at her friend for a few moments before she was able to form a response. “Oh, Annie, don’t worry about it! Um, I, uh…it’s all cool in the gruel, I’ve kissed girls before! At least one girl,” she replied, trying desperately to smooth over the awkward situation. She was also trying to direct Annie's attention away from the cheers of a group of frat boys on the other side of the room.
“Again! With a little more feeling!” one of them called.
Annie felt the urge to close her eyes and dive in again, but stopped herself before she made things worse.
“Screw off! Take your lesbian fantasy bullshit and shove it up your own ass!” Britta yelled back.
“Yeah, shove it up your ass!” Annie echoed.
Britta turned back towards her, looking absolutely stunned.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to step on your thing,” Annie said sheepishly.
“No, Annie, that was great! I’m impressed! Maybe you’re not homophobic after all,” Britta replied enthusiastically. She squeezed Annie tightly for a moment before pulling back from the embrace.
“Really?” Annie asked, reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ears.
“Really! Now, uh, do you want to get out of here? I don’t think that’s going to stop any time soon,” Britta suggested. She tilted her head to gesture at the unruly students on the other side of the room, their loud demands only getting more descriptive.
Annie glanced to the side, nodding vigorously once she turned back to Britta. “Yes, I would like that very much.”
Britta acted quickly, grabbing Annie by the hand and dashing out the side door of the cafeteria before anyone could notice the two of them leaving together. She didn’t stop running and dragging Annie behind her until they were outside in the quad, right by the statute of Luis Guzeman.
“Ah, that was such a rush! My adrenaline is spiking, is your adrenaline spiking?” Britta asked, laughing. She let go of Annie’s hand and sat down on a bench beside the statue to catch her breath.
Annie felt her heart leap in her chest, thinking about how unfair it was that Britta was almost glistening in the moonlight. “A little bit, yeah! It was exciting to escape from those guys,” she agreed. She settled down next to Britta on the bench and leaned back so that she could look at her. Now, the golden light illuminating the statue reflected back onto her face and in the soft curls of her hair. Annie swallowed, trying to repress the strange new thoughts and feelings that she was having about her fellow study group member. Britta noticed her friend gazing at her after a moment and smiled warmly.
“They’re a bunch of misogynistic homophobes. They only want to see girl-on-girl action because they hate themselves and know that they’re incapable of ever bringing any woman any sort of pleasure,” she said.
Annie nodded despite not quite understanding what Britta meant. “Yeah! They’re, um…they suck!” she said lamely. She looked down into her lap, firmly clasping her hands together.
Britta’s face fell slightly, noticing Annie's change in demeanor. “Hey, is everything okay?” she asked, reaching over to place a hand on Annie’s shoulder.
“Mhm! Yup, everything’s fine! I’m just…lost in thought, I guess,” she replied.
The answer was satisfactory enough to Britta, who took her hand down to grip the edge of the bench.
“Whatcha thinking about?” she asked cheerfully, looking up to the night sky to see what stars were still visible through the haze of Greendale’s many street lamps.
“Hm? Oh! Nothing in particular. Nothing important, at least,” Annie responded quickly.
“Oh come on, it’s got to be at least a little important,” Britta pushed. She leaned over to put her head on Annie’s shoulder and looked up at her from beneath her eyelashes.
Annie felt her heart stop for a moment. “That look could be the death of me…” she thought before quickly directing her mind elsewhere.
“Um, it’s nothing, really. I think there’s some Anthro homework that I forgot to do,” she fibbed.
Britta gave a small smile. “You’ll be fine, I’m sure. We can all help you do it tomorrow! Besides, I know you’re pulling the highest grade in that class,” she said, sitting back up. Annie tried not to think about how she suddenly missed the physical contact.
“Yes, of course! It’s all cool in the gruel or…whatever…” she replied, trying to work in Britta’s phrase from earlier.
“Good. Hey, it’s okay if you’re still shaken up about the guys from earlier. Boys are stupid and they never get any smarter,” Britta said, some sort of concern seeping into her voice.
Annie gave her a confused look. “I know. Why are you bringing it up again?” she asked.
“You still seem…rattled. And a little distracted. I know you said you were okay, but it’s okay if you aren’t! Dealing with harassment is hard, and I-”
Something within Annie snapped, or clicked in place, she wasn’t quite sure which.
“I’m not thinking about the boys, and I'm not thinking about Anthro homework. I’m thinking about our kiss, Britta!” she exclaimed, pent-up emotions finding a way to burst out. She gasped at her own words, shocked that she had been able to verbalize what she had been experiencing over the past few minutes.
Britta was taken aback. “You call that a…? I mean, what about our kiss?” she asked gently.
Annie tensed up, grabbing fistfuls of her skirt and keeping her gaze locked firmly onto the ground. “I don’t know! It was…nice. It wasn’t anything like I’d experienced with my first boyfriend, or Vaughn, or Jeff…” she trailed off.
Britta nodded in understanding. “Okay, that makes sense. Your first boyfriend was gay, right? And Vaughn and Jeff…they’re not what I would call top tier kissers,” she joked.
Annie sighed. “I guess. But, um…you see, I don’t know if I really like boys,” she rushed out. It was the first time she had spoken those words aloud, the realization of which caused her hands to fly up to her mouth and cover it.
Britta’s eyes widened. “Oh. Oh! Annie, that’s…that’s perfectly fine! There’s a lot of girls who like other girls, you’re not alone,” she said encouragingly.
Annie slowly lowered her hands down from her mouth and looked over to Britta. Tears were shining in the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill over at any second. “I know. But I’m not one of those girls! I like boys! I’ve always liked boys!” she cried.
“But you just said-”
“I know what I just said, but it…it can’t be true! Can it? I’m Annie Edison, I date boys, I’ve always liked boys…” she murmured mostly to herself, rubbing her temples.
Britta reached out to pat her friend on the arm, unsure of what else she could do. “Hey, you know what? You don’t have to figure it out right away! You don’t have to use a label if you don’t want to! And you can like girls and boys and everyone in between, you don’t have to settle for picking just one,” she said, stumbling onto the exact right words to say without really meaning to.
Annie looked over, masking a sniffle the best she could. “Really?” she asked hopefully.
“Really,” Britta confirmed, reaching over to pull the younger woman into an embrace. Annie settled against Britta’s body, wrapping her arms around tightly around the other woman's waist. She felt soft skin against her cheek, hot breath against her neck, and a raging pulse within her chest. It was almost intoxicating, being so close to Britta for so long. When she pulled away, she was left with a hollow feeling inside her throat, all of her thoughts and feelings leaving along with the woman who had been holding her.
“Britta?” Annie croaked out.
“Mhm?”
“This might be a weird question, and you don’t have to answer it, but…do, do you think you liked Paige? Like, as more than a friend?” she asked unsurely.
Britta went silent for a moment, unsure of how to answer. “No. I mean, I thought it was cool that she was a lesbian, and I totally supported her! Until she told me that…y’know, she wasn’t,” she ended somewhat sadly.
“Were you disappointed when you found out?” Annie asked innocently.
“Of course I was disappointed! But I guess I was more angry than anything because it felt like she’d lied to me. Even though she’s never outright told me that she was. I just assumed she was, but who wouldn’t?!” Britta answered, beginning to ramble.
Puzzle pieces floating around in Annie’s head suddenly clicked together. “Did you want her to be a lesbian?”
Britta went silent again.
“You don’t have to answer. I’m only asking because it sort of seemed like you really wanted her to be a lesbian, and then you were really mad when you found out that she wasn’t. I know you wanted to show that you were supportive, but there had to be easier ways to do it than going to a school dance with a lesbian, right? And not to mention-”
“Yeah. I think I wanted her to be a lesbian. Why I wanted her to, I don’t know. But I did,” Britta admitted, both out loud and to herself.
Annie nodded. “I get it.”
“You do?”
Annie’s face flushed instantly. “I mean, in a way! Wanting someone to be something that they’re not. Wishing things were different,” she said, covering for herself.
Britta gave a small smile. “You’re talking about Jeff, aren’t you?”
“What?! No! Why would I be talking about Jeff?” Annie exclaimed, thoroughly off put.
Britta shrugged. “I don’t know, I thought you had feelings for him. You bring up the debate kiss a lot, you two exchange looks all the time during study group, and with the way you talk about him…I just kind of assumed. Sorry,” she explained.
“No, there’s nothing between us. He’s like my dad, or my cool older brother! I only bring up the debate kiss because it was weird and I’m still trying to make sense of it to myself,” the brunette said defensively.
Britta nodded. “I get it. He’s an asshole sometimes, but he’s a captivating person. He doesn’t seem to care about much, so when he shows that he cares about you, it makes you feel like the most special person on Earth,” she reasoned wistfully.
“Do you…?”
“Oh, no. Love him to death, but not like that. The beginning of the year proved that we would drive each other and everyone else crazy if we tried anything like that,” she quickly clarified.
“Oh. Good,” Annie said simply, her gaze wandering up to the sky.
“Mhm. Wait a second, good?!?” Britta asked, caught off guard.
Annie realized her mistake and turned to look at Britta, wide-eyed. “I didn’t mean that! I didn’t say it on purpose, it just kind of slipped out!” she tried to explain.
“Wait, so you do like Jeff? Were you just scared to tell me?”
“No! I don’t like Jeff! I like-!” Annie started, cutting herself off before the sentence could finish.
Britta wrinkled her brow, confused. “You like?” she prompted.
“I don’t know! No one? It’s not him, and it’s not Troy anymore, and it’s not any other guy that I know,” Annie said, wrapping her arms around herself and looking down to the ground again.
“We don’t have to keep talking about this, okay?” Britta said soothingly.
Annie looked up and smiled gratefully. “Thanks.”
The pair sat in silence for a moment, both returning their attention to the night sky.
“You know, you can kinda see the North Star from here. And the Big Dipper would be…somewhere around there,” Britta said, pointing upwards and tracing out where the constellation should be.
Annie smiled. “Yeah. I think that one over there must be a planet,” she added, pointing to a bright dot over to their right.
Britta turned back to the girl sitting next to her. “You’re a good kid, Annie. Don’t let yourself or anyone else tell you otherwise,” she said with a gentle smile.
Annie looked over to her left and smiled back. “Thanks. You’re really nice. The group doesn’t give you enough credit,” she replied.
The two looked back up, squinting to search for any other stars.
“And, um, for what it’s worth, kissing you was really nice, too,” Annie added without thinking.
Britta smiled wryly and turned to look at the other girl. “Would you like to do it again?” she asked bluntly.
Annie suddenly forgot how to breathe.
“Wait, what?”
Britta paused for a moment.
“You know, as an act of solidarity with the sisterhood or…something. I don’t know, you kind of got me thinking with all those questions earlier,” she explained.
“Thinking about what?” Annie asked, genuinely unsure.
“Like…why did I want Paige to be a lesbian? Why did I care if everyone saw me as someone who supports lesbians? Why did I want to kiss her in the middle of the dance floor? Maybe...maybe I want to kiss a girl for real,” Britta elaborated.
A swell of something that felt like hope formed in Annie’s chest and bubbled to the surface, giving her newfound confidence. “I think I would like to do it again. You know, for the experience,” she added quickly.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive,” she affirmed.
“Alright then, here goes nothing,” Britta said. She turned on the bench so that her body was completely facing Annie, tucking her legs up in front of her. Reaching forward, she brushed a lock of chocolate brown hair out of her face and let her hand trail down to rest underneath her chin. Using that hand, she gently guided Annie’s face towards her own until their lips met like before. Except this time, Annie leaned in and applied more pressure. She snaked one arm around Britta’s shoulders and let the other rest idly on the side of her face. All too soon, it was over, and Britta was pulling away to look at Annie under the golden light.
“Wow,” she said simply.
Annie broke out into a wide grin, giggling in a way that clearly showed how giddy she was. “Yeah, wow.”
“Should we do that again?” Britta asked, quirking one eyebrow up.
“You don’t have to ask every time,” Annie replied in a huskier tone, looking up with her trademark doe eyes.
Britta smiled and nodded enthusiastically. “Okay! I mean, okay. I’ll um, I’ll shut up now,” she said, quickly leaning back in to cover her embarrassment. This was one thing that she definitely didn’t want to 'Britta'.
They moved together with more force this time, parted lips locking together as if they were crafted specifically for one another. Britta wrapped one arm around Annie’s waist and brought the other up to the back of her neck. She leaned forward as far as she could over her legs, which she had crossed in front of her, but quickly grew frustrated with the distance between them.
“Is something wrong?” Annie asked tentatively when Britta broke away.
“Just my legs are…wait, I think I have a solution,” Britta started to say before sliding the hand on Annie’s head down to her waist to aid in pulling the brunette over into her lap.
“Much better,” she said, craning her neck upwards to drop a small kiss on her friend’s forehead. Annie beamed, responding by cupping Britta’s face in her hands and drawing it in to keep exploring her lips. Britta’s arms stayed looped around Annie’s waist, keeping her close even when they had to come up for air.
After a few more minutes of tentative exploration, Britta decided it was time for things to escalate. One hand moved from Annie’s waist to the back of her head and rooted itself in her hair. She gently opened her mouth a little wider and let her tongue graze the other girl’s bottom lip.
Annie panicked momentarily, thinking about the fact that this officially meant that they were going to begin Frenching. She had only done this a handful of times with Vaughn and once with Jeff, so what if she had been doing it wrong? Britta had said that those two were bad kissers, maybe they had taught her bad technique! What if she was so bad at it that Britta stopped kissing her and never wanted to do it again?
All of her fears went away when her instinct took over and she let Britta’s tongue meet her own. From then on, Annie was so swept up in the feeling of everything that she didn’t know how to describe what was happening. Her hands kept moving to touch Britta in different places. Britta’s hands roamed along the hem of her shirt, the back of her neck, the swell of her breast. Kissing Britta felt so unlike anything Annie had ever done, and not in a bad way. In a way that made everything make sense like it never had.
Eventually, both girls slowed down and gradually drifted apart to rest. Annie in Britta’s lap, arms resting around her shoulders, Britta’s arms wrapped snugly around Annie’s waist. She was not letting her slip away, even if she wanted to.
“So…” Annie started.
“I think I might like girls,” the pair said in tandem.
Annie bit her lip, fighting back a blush. “This isn’t some weird fluke, right? I won’t wake up and have things go back to the way they were…right?” she asked, sounding scared.
Britta smiled sympathetically, placing a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose. “I don’t know for sure, Annie. But I’ll be here for you no matter what,” she said. She moved to lift Annie off of her lap and place her back onto the bench next to her.
She broke out into a wide grin. “I’m glad, Britta. I’ll be here for you too,” she said, throwing her arms around the other woman for a hug.
Britta returned the embrace, rubbing her thumb up and down on Annie’s back. “I guess we can thank those frat boys for all of this happening, huh?” she observed.
Annie pulled back to look at Britta. “Oh no, we don’t have to thank them for anything. They’re still a bunch of no-good, disgusting pigs,” she said matter-of-factly.
Britta laughed happily. “Glad to see that I’m rubbing off on you.”
The corners of Annie’s mouth twitched upwards. “I’m glad that you are, too.”