Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There is a man in Jae’s kitchen. This is not, in itself, unusual. There are quite often men in Jae’s kitchen – Jae himself, for example. Or his roommate of two years, Wonpil. Or one of their friends on a movie night.

But this man in the kitchen is notable because it’s nine o’clock on a Sunday morning and he’s using the coffee machine, blocking Jae’s access to it. Also, Jae has never seen this man before in his life.

He’s too sleep-deprived to kick up as much of a fuss as he probably should. Wonpil probably would have screamed already. Maybe called the police. But Jae just says, voice rough with sleep, “The fuck?”

The man jumps and turns to look at him. He’s got floppy black hair and a really young-looking face, but when he speaks his voice is practically an octave deeper than Jae was expecting. “Oh! You’re Jae, right?”

Jae blinks. Robbers and murderers don’t usually know the names of the people whose apartments they break into, meaning this guy is unusual but probably safe. “Uh, yeah.”

The guy nods. “Thought so.” He looks about as tired as Jae feels.

Jae waits for him to elaborate like, at all. Maybe introduce himself. Or explain why he’s in Jae’s kitchen at an ungodly hour for a Sunday. The guy does not. “And you are?” he eventually prompts.

“Yoon Dowoon?” the guy says, like it’s a question.

Jae makes a “go on” gesture with his hand.

“I’m a friend of Wonpil’s,” he says.

Friend of Wonpil’s. Right, that makes sense. Except it doesn’t at all, because he and Wonpil share their exactly two other friends and also why would a friend of Wonpil’s be at his apartment at – Jae looks at the clock on the wall of the kitchen – 9.13am on a Sunday?

“Ok, friend of Wonpil’s,” says Jae, folding his arms, “care to elaborate on why you’re in our apartment?”

The guy’s ears go red. “Uh…” he says, “because I stayed the night?”

“Like a sleepover?” asks Jae, a childish part of him kind of pissed at the idea Wonpil not only has a friend he hasn’t introduced to Jae but also that he invited said friend for a sleepover without telling him.

Dowoon’s laugh is both deep and awkward. His ears get even redder. “I mean… I guess you could call it that?”

Before Jae can unpack that particular puzzling statement, he hears the door down the hall creak open. “Dowoonie?” comes a voice that is very distinctly Wonpil.

“In the kitchen,” says Dowoon, in a slightly louder voice than the one he’d been using before.

Jae hears footsteps and edges out of the doorway, but before Wonpil comes into view he says to Dowoon, “You’ll need to leave before Jae gets up, I haven’t told him—"

It is at that exact moment that Jae locks eyes with Wonpil in the entrance to the kitchen. Wonpil, completely uncharacteristically, swears.

Now, Jae is aware he’s not always the smartest guy. He’s not dumb, but he’s a little slow on the uptake. But even he isn’t so bad at reading social situations not to realise that;

a) the look on Wonpil’s face is nothing short of terrified; and

b) this Dowoon guy had slept over and Wonpil had made an active effort not to let Jae know.

There is a weird, twisting lurch in Jae’s stomach. Oh.

He thinks Dowoon might have just outed his best friend.

The next thought in Jae’s mind as the weird silence continues is that he needs to make Wonpil stop looking so scared as soon as possible. So he plasters this huge smile on his face and wills his heart to stop beating so fast.

“Pillie,” he says, pulling out the nickname he rarely uses, “When did you get so grown-up?”

Wonpil’s eyes get wider, but he looks confused rather than shit-scared so… improvement?

“I can’t believe my own little Pillie is old enough to be doing the dirty,” he says, wiping a fake tear. “I’m impressed. Dowoon-ssi here seems like a catch,” says Jae, gesturing to the man now stood frozen at the counter, beet-red. “I didn’t know you had it in you to pull a guy like that.”

Finally, finally, Wonpil’s frightened expression softens a little. He gives a nervous little hiccup-y laugh and looks over Jae’s shoulder at Dowoon. “Uh, Dowoon?”

Dowoon seems to snap to attention. “Right, yep, I’ll just uh. Go? Shall I?”

“Sorry to boot you out, I need to talk to Jae,” he says, “I’ll call you.”

“See you later,” says Dowoon, and practically runs from the room. Jae and Wonpil stand in silence as they hear him return to Wonpil’s room – presumably to grab his belongings – and a moment later the apartment door slams shut.

Wonpil opens his mouth to say something. He closes it again.

“So…” says Jae, when its clear words are not about to be forthcoming, “he seems cool.”

“He’s in my intro to educational theory class,” says Wonpil vaguely. He still looks a bit like a rabbit in headlights.

“And you guys are boning?” Jae is trying so hard to be nonchalant right now. He just wants his stupid heart to stop thudding.

Wonpil splutters. “I- uh. Yeah? Well. Not like multiple times. Just last night.”

Jae whistles.

It’s like all the words suddenly get dragged out of Wonpil. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you it’s just that I don’t really tell anyone, and I swear he only came round to study and you were out and it just kind of happened, I wasn’t thinking straight—"

“Clearly,” interjects Jae. It comes out significantly harsher than he was intending and he backtracks at the hurt expression on Wonpil’s face. “Get it? You weren’t thinking straight?”

Wonpil’s laugh is extremely half-hearted. Jae realises that it was probably a bad time to interject with a joke. He tends to mask awkward situations with humour, Sungjin’s told him off for it before. Speaking of Sungjin, how would he handle this emotionally charged and very awkward situation?

“Sorry for interrupting,” says Jae, “go on.”

“It’s not that I meant to keep this from you, it’s just still very new and I haven’t even told my family yet,” says Wonpil. He’s shifting his weight from foot to foot, like he often does when he’s nervous. “I’m gay.”

Jae had been expecting it from the moment he cottoned on to why Dowoon was there, but it still makes his stomach lurch uncomfortably. He thinks back to what kinds of things Wonpil and Sungjin had said to Brian when he came out to them as bi a year or so ago. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me,” he says, “it doesn’t change anything and you’re still one of my best friends.”

Wonpil’s worried eyebrows smooth and he beams at him, eyes crinkling. “Really?”

“Yeah, dude. Of course.”

“I’m going to hug you now,” he says.

Jae wouldn’t have had time to protest even if he wanted to, because a moment later his arms are full with a somewhat sleep-rumpled Wonpil and he’s got the other man’s face smooshed into the slide of his neck. He doesn’t bother with the bro posturing back slap he might normally employ on an overly clingy Wonpil. He figures that would be dick move right now. So instead he hugs him right back.

“I was so nervous to tell you,” says Wonpil.

“It’s cool, man,” he says, “I’m sorry if I did anything to make you think I wouldn’t accept you.”

Wonpil hugs him tighter. Jae pretends not to feel the wetness of relieved tears on his shoulder.

When Brian had come out, things had gone back to normal really quickly. He’d sat all three of them down and prepared a little speech, and Sungjin and Wonpil had said all the right things while Jae, who’d known Brian the longest, just kind of sat there dumbstruck.

He’d obviously met LGBT people before, and been friendly with non-straight people. At university, he’d been pretty close with Jimin and Kevin, who he’d thought were dating but were in fact both gay. But it was different when it was someone you’d known for so long.

Still, by the time Jae went to bed that same day, he was already getting used to the idea. Brian was still the same person, and frankly it kind of made sense that he was bi – that new piece of information sat comfortably within all the other things he knew about his friend.

He’s expecting Wonpil’s coming out to be about the same. After their hug in the kitchen, Wonpil had pulled away with a wobbly smile and muttered a very-subdued-for-Wonpil thank you, before scurrying back to his room. Jae had sat down at the kitchen counter for a bit to process. And then he’d made himself coffee and gone back to his room to watch Netflix, as had been the initial plan all along.

Only now it’s 10pm and he’s laying out his clothes for work tomorrow and he’s still feeling really unsettled about the whole thing. It’s weird, because Wonpil being gay also makes a lot of sense. Not that stereotypes are anything to go by but Wonpil is hardly super manly, and he’s always been cheerful bordering on flirtatious with other men, Jae included. When they’d first moved in together, they got really domestic really quickly, and Brian had joked they were more like a married couple than roommates. For a while after that, Wonpil had jokingly called Jae “hubby”.

But something is still off. Because Wonpil being gay in the abstract is fine. Like it’s new and it’ll take some getting used to, but he doesn’t like Wonpil any less and it doesn’t really change his perception of him at all. But then he thinks about the fact Dowoon stayed the night, that Dowoon and Wonpil probably had sex while Jae was in the apartment, and he feels all weird and prickly and hot under the collar. He tries not to dwell on it.

Unfortunately, Dowoon, it seems, is not the one night stand Jae assumed he would be. For one thing, he’s in the apartment the very next day when Jae gets back from his job at the music store that he and Brian co-own.

He’s in the living room, lounging on their couch scrolling his phone, and he shoots upright when Jae enters. “Wonpil-hyung says I should probably apologise for frightening you yesterday.”

Jae blinks, taking in this evening Dowoon. Evening Dowoon wears similar clothes to morning Dowoon, but his hair’s a little neater. The main difference is his expression – gone is the blasé chill dude from the previous morning, instead he looks wide-eyed and apologetic.

“It’s chill,” says Jae, taken aback.

“Thank you,” says Dowoon, relaxing a little, “I’m kind of blunt when I’m tired, I didn’t mean to be rude. Also, don’t worry, I’ve already apologised to Wonpil for accidentally outing him.”

Jae hopes his shrug seems appropriately forgiving; in reality he’s kind of pissed at Dowoon over the whole thing, which is ridiculous because he barely knows the kid. “It was as much your fault as it was Wonpil’s reaction,” he admits, “I kind of hadn’t cottoned on to why you’d stayed over until then.”

“I still feel bad,” says Dowoon.

Jae doesn’t ask Dowoon why he’s here tonight. He’s not sure he wants to hear the answer. He’s had a crap day at work and he’s tired as hell, having stayed up most the night tossing and turning.

He gives Dowoon this kind of jerky bro-nod and disappears into his bedroom, which due to the apartment’s weird layout literally leads off the living room, Friends-style. He throws his bag onto his bed and then sits down next to it. He has no idea why that perfectly polite interaction has put him so on-edge.

He means to zone out and play video games or something, but he’s weirdly wired into what’s going on in the living room. He hears Wonpil re-enter a few minutes later. He can’t make out the exact words with his door closed, but Wonpil’s voice is upbeat and cheerful. Dowoon’s presence in the apartment is making Wonpil happy. Which, Jae has to remind himself, is a good thing.

There is something uncomfortable bubbling in his chest when he hears Dowoon’s deep voice say something unintelligible, making Wonpil laugh. He brushes it off – he’s just a bit weirded out by yesterday morning, that’s all.

Jae switches apps on his phone about three times before he gives up on distracting himself that way and attempts to watch YouTube videos instead, but he can’t settle. So he texts Brian, even though he’s just been at work with him all day.

did u know wonpil’s seeing someone?

no???

haha yep I walked in on what I thought was a one-night stand yesterday but they’re here today too

omg what’s he like?

Jae almost responds with a description of Dowoon, but then he pauses. “He”. Brian knew to write “he”. It makes sense, Wonpil choosing to tell someone who’s also LGBT before he told Jae… but there’s still a little flash of jealousy that he trusted someone more than him. How long had Brian known?

He texts back a quick “idk he seems nice” and puts his phone away, the desire to gossip suddenly leaving him. He can’t hear Dowoon and Wonpil in the living room anymore.

He has to go through the living room to get to the kitchen, and he hasn’t eaten yet, so he pushes himself off his bed with a sigh. He feels like he’s been in his room for hours, but his phone clock tells him it was only 40 or so minutes.

The door to Jae’s room is positioned on the back wall of the living room. It’s not really intended to be a bedroom – it’s tiny and probably meant to be a little home-office or a den but their landlord listed the place as two-bedroom and he and Wonpil had fallen for it. It’s weird placing means that the TV is against the shared wall and he can see who’s sitting on the sofa almost the second he opens the door.  

Which is how he’s greeted by the sight of Wonpil straddling Dowoon on said sofa, kissing him. The strangled, panicked noise that leaves his lips is entirely involuntary and has both men turning their heads to look at him.

“Sorry!” he basically squeaks, slamming the door shut again.

Holy shit. Holy shit. He thinks his heart is somewhere in his throat and he knows he’s probably bright red. To be fair, that bit is probably an expected reaction to walking in on two people making out, but what’s less typical is the bile rising in his throat. He feels like he’s going to throw up. Like, his eyes are literally stinging, his stomach is churning.

It takes him a moment to realise that the world is spinning in part because his legs are shaking, and he lowers himself down so he’s sitting on the floor. Fuck.

He avoids Wonpil that evening and hides in his room. He doesn’t go out to get food, but then he’s not hungry anymore. At some point, Wonpil knocks on his door. He ignores him, figuring he can pretend he’d been asleep if Wonpil asks about tomorrow. Wonpil, ever respectful, doesn’t come in when he doesn’t get a response.

He’s pretty sure having this dramatic a reaction to his male friend kissing a dude doesn’t reflect very well on him. Like, at all. Dowoon genuinely seems like a nice guy from what little he’s seen of him but now all Jae can think is “leave leave leave”. He doesn’t know if Dowoon does leave or if he stays the night, but he feels guilty for how much he hopes it’s the former.

“Ok, tell me what the fuck is going on, you look dead on your feet.”

Jae looks up from where he’s been staring at the piles of boxes in the stockroom, trying to remember what it was that he went in to get. “Huh?”

Brian sighs. “You’re clearly going through something, Jae, I’ve known you long enough to tell. What’s the problem?”

Jae runs through the pros and cons of telling Brian what’s going on in his head. (Cons: Brian is bi himself and might yell at him. Pros: Brian is bi himself and his best friend since high school so any yelling will probably be completely deserved and might knock him into shape.)

“It’s not a quick conversation in the stock room kind of problem,” is what he says, “there’s customers out there and you’re meant to be on the register.”

Brian smiles. “Shop’s closed, owner’s decision. This is an ambush.”

Jae sits down on the floor in a flurry of limbs. “That tracks,” he says, patting the dusty floor of the stockroom, “join me in the pit.”

Rolling his eyes, Brian sits down a little more delicately, leaning back against a nearby stack of boxes. “Ok,” he says, “care to explain why it looks like you haven’t slept in two days?”

“Because I haven’t,” says Jae.

“Why?”

“Because I’m a terrible person.”

“False, but why?”

“Because I’ve probably been a prejudiced dick this whole time.”

Brian blinks at him. “What?”

“I’m starting to think I might be really homophobic,” says Jae in a rush, “and I don’t want to be because I genuinely don’t think liking the same gender makes you a bad person.”

It is a testament to their friendship that Brian doesn’t laugh at him, even though Jae can see laughter tugging at his lips. “You can’t sleep because you’re worried that you’re being homophobic?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you’ve never had a problem with me being bi, have you?”

“Well, no,” says Jae, “but Wonpil…” he trails off.

“Wonpil?” Brian prompts, “You have a problem with Wonpil being gay?”

Jae is a little panicked to see the shadow of an angry crease between Brian’s brows. It’s not there yet but its threatening, and he backtracks.

“Not consciously! I was super good about it when he told me, I didn’t freak out and I reaffirmed our friendship and all that stuff.”

“So what’s the issue?” Oh god, the angry half-frown is still there.

Jae tells him about walking in on Wonpil and Dowoon and how unsettled he’d been, how sick he’d felt. “The whole thing with Dowoon is freaking me out, man. I feel weird.”

“Weird like angry? Disgusted?”

“The second one? I think? I don’t know, it’s like even thinking about them together feels like ants are crawling under my skin.”

“I’m stealing that for a song,” says Brian, “but I don’t know, it sounds like internalised homophobia, maybe.”

Jae has heard of that one. “Isn’t that when gay people can’t accept that they’re gay?”

Brian shrugs, “Yeah, usually, but it can also be when you think you’re chill with gay people but you’ve still got stuff to work through. Like, you know I’m bisexual, but you’ve never actually seen me with a guy. Maybe you’d have had the same reaction if it was me you’d seen in that position, not Wonpil.”

Jae considers it. Like, properly tries to imagine walking in on Brian making out with a guy. He figures he’d be embarrassed, sure, but it doesn’t set him on edge like it does with Wonpil. “It’d be different if it was you,” he says, “I think.”

At that, Brian purses his lips. It seems like he has an idea, but whatever it is, he doesn’t say. “Well, I’m stumped. Heart to heart over.” He stands up from the floor, dusting off the butt of his jeans and holding out a hand to Jae.

Jae takes it, letting himself be pulled up. “For the record, dude,” says Jae, “the fact you’re willing to talk through my bullshit even when its possibly invalidating your identity? That’s hella cool of you.”

Brian smiles, “And it’s the fact you say things like that that makes me really doubt you’re secretly some homophobic douche.”

“Touché,” says Jae. But he thinks about Wonpil and Dowoon again and he’s not completely convinced that Brian’s right.

Chapter Text

It’s not until his day off on Wednesday that Jae actually spends any time with Wonpil. Jae would like to say their paths naturally don’t cross, but he’s also fully aware he’s been avoiding his roommate like the plague. At least Dowoon hasn’t made another appearance at their apartment.   

But Wednesday night is roommate bonding time, something Jae takes seriously because Wonpil takes it seriously, and he’s firmly planted on the sofa in the living room, scrolling Netflix for movie inspiration when he hears Wonpil get in from class.

“Hey dude,” he says when Wonpil enters the living room a little later, wearing sweatpants and a loose-fitting t-shirt, “what are you thinking film-wise tonight?”

Wonpil shrugs, practically throwing himself onto the sofa and wiggling closer to Jae on instinct before freezing. “Wait, is this ok?” he asks.

“If it was ok before you came out, it’s ok now,” says Jae, “I’m not about to get super macho on you.”

“Good,” says Wonpil, shifting even closer so his socked feet are up on the sofa and his legs are propped up against Jae’s, leaning against his shoulder, “because I’ve missed you this week.”

Jae immediately feels guilty about how distant he’s been. No wonder Wonpil thought he might be uncomfortable with cuddling - he’s said all the right things about being supportive, but his actions haven’t really reflected that.  

“Sorry,” says Jae and then, because he’s a coward, adds, “Brian and I have just been really busy at the shop.”

Wonpil’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes, “I’m glad business is doing well. But you don’t have to lie to me, I know I made you uncomfortable on Monday and I’m sorry.”

Jae’s first thought is that Wonpil knows about his maybe-homophobic freak-out, but then he realises Wonpil is referring to the normal kind of uncomfortable that comes from walking in on a friend. “Oh,” is all he says.

“It wasn’t very good roommate etiquette,” says Wonpil, “particularly since I invited Dowoon around on Monday because I wanted the two of you to get to know each other.”

 “We talked a bit,” says Jae weakly, “he said you told him to apologise.”

Wonpil plays with the drawstrings on his sweatpants absently. He’s still pressed against Jae, and the domesticity of the action is messing with Jae’s head. “Dowoonie is a sweetheart, he needs more friends. I was hoping we could all hang out at some point.”

Jae really, really doesn’t want that. He thinks spending extended periods of time with Wonpil and Dowoon together would make him do or say something stupid.

But then… he also does want it if it’s what Wonpil wants, because Wonpil looks so nervous and earnest and he lowkey always wants whatever Wonpil wants. So, hating the words coming out of his mouth he says,

“How about we meet up as a group next Saturday? You, me, Brian, Sungjin, and Dowoon?”

Wonpil beams, “Really? That would be amazing. We could go to the bar; we haven’t done that in ages. I’ll ask Dowoon now,” he says.

Wonpil wiggles on the couch to get his phone out of the back pocket of his sweats, putting his hand on Jae’s thigh as leverage. Jae freezes, hyper-aware of the feeling of Wonpil’s fingertips pressing into his skin, separated by the suddenly too-thin fabric of his sweats. Why is this making him blush?

Wonpil is apparently completely unaware that he has briefly shut down Jae’s entire brain, and removes his hand a moment later, tapping on his phone. But when he’s finished texting, he swings his legs right over Jae’s and beams at him.

“Just waiting for a reply. You pick what we watch.”

For some reason, Jae really struggles to recall anything about the film they watch after it’s finished. He remembers the weight of Wonpil’s legs on his, though.

“So, how’s the acute mental breakdown going?” asks Sungjin conversationally when they meet up for their shared lunch break the next day.

Jae puts his panini back down on his plate and squints at the shit-eating grin on Sungjin’s face. “I am going to kill Brian,” he declares. “This is another ambush, isn’t it?”

“He’s worried about you,” says Sungjin, not even bothering to deny it. And there he was thinking it was so nice of Sungjin to reach out on one of the rare days their schedules lined up.  

“There’s nothing to be worried about,” says Jae confidently, picking up his panini again, “How much did he tell you?”

“Basically the whole thing.”

“Well he shouldn’t have bothered,” Jae says, “I’ve thought it over and I’m absolutely completely ok with Wonpil being gay and having a boyfriend.”

Sungjin’s raised eyebrows are devastatingly powerful. They say “cut the crap” without him even having to open his mouth.

“I am! Or at least my brain is. It’s just that thinking about them together makes me want to cry and-slash-or throw up. Because of the internalised homophobia.”

Sungjin’s eyebrows go even higher and his mouth temporary forms a perfect ‘o’. Then his expression clears. “Internalised homophobia, huh?”

“Yep,” says Jae, popping the ‘p’. “My lizard brain has an issue with Wonpil and Dowoon. Me, Jae, I’m fine with it.”  

“Uh-huh,” says Sungjin, “And does your lizard brain have a problem with Younghyun, too?”

“Weirdly, no,” says Jae.

“What about me? What if I started dating a guy?” Sungjin presses.  

Jae shakes his head, “It’s not about hypotheticals. It’s because I’ve actually seen Dowoon and Wonpil together. I’m not used to it.”

“Not used to seeing men together, or not used to seeing Wonpil with another man?” Sungjin sits back in his chair, arms folded. He has this “checkmate” expression on his face that Jae can’t make sense of.

“Second one, why?”

“Doesn’t that seem interesting to you? That it just revolves around Wonpil and the guy he’s sleeping with specifically? Maybe–”

Jae cuts across him, “Not sleeping with. Slept with. He said it was only once.”

Sungjin shoots him a pitying look. “Sure, Jae. Did he say that before or after you walked in on them in the living room?”

Jae groans and resists the urge to slam his head on the table. “Don’t say that. I don’t want to think about it.”

Sungjin, the absolute bastard, just laughs at him. “How are you going to handle Saturday evening?”

“Alcohol is nature’s social lubricant,” says Jae.

Sungjin frowns.  “Jae, promise me you’re not going to be weird around this Dowoon guy. It’s not the kid’s fault you’re going through a Wonpil-induced crisis.”

Jae scoffs. “I’m an adult, Sungjin. I can absolutely be normal around him.”

Jae is weird around Dowoon.

 It starts off ok. He gets to the bar with Brian first and they find a booth, and when Wonpil arrives with Dowoon in tow Jae greets both of them enthusiastically and carefully doesn’t let himself think about the implications of them arriving together.

Things go downhill once Sungjin arrives and asks them to shuffle up to make room, and Jae realises he’s about to be pressed against Wonpil the entire night. Thoughts of Wednesday evening and the movie he doesn’t remember and Wonpil’s hand on his thigh which he definitely does remember make him spring up and offer Sungjin his spot, offering to get the first round.

At this point, Jae hasn’t said a word to Dowoon besides a greeting. Now, though, he takes Sungjin’s, Brian’s and Wonpil’s orders and turns to Dowoon and blurts, “are you even old enough to be drinking?”

He doesn’t know what possesses him to say it. Dowoon is younger than the rest of them, sure, but he’s not that young. It absolutely comes across as bitchy, he can see it in his friend’s reactions.

What makes it worse is that Dowoon doesn’t even respond. Wonpil cuts in and confirms it for him, which rubs Jae the wrong way for reasons he can’t quite express.

So he goes to order, and when he gets back he’s balancing the tray of drinks on the fingertips of one hand like an old-timey butler and nobody notices because they’re all engaged in a story that Dowoon is telling. A story that is apparently so engaging that nobody shoots him a glance when he puts the drinks down on the table and scoots into the booth next to Sungjin.

Jae doesn’t know what the story is about, even though it doesn’t finish until about a minute after he sits down. He’s distracted watching Wonpil watch Dowoon speak like the sun shines out of his arse. Stupid, cute Dowoon.

Almost an hour into the evening and Jae’s a bit tipsy and knows he’s being kind of a dick. He’s barely spoken to Dowoon since he sat down, letting Brian answer Dowoon’s questions about the shop and not asking him any questions of his own. At one point, he tries to ask Wonpil about his day and Dowoon joins in, telling them all about something that happened in their shared class.

“I asked Wonpil,” he says. Beside him, Sungjin sighs.

Dowoon blinks. “Oh,” he says, “sorry.”

“Dowoonie can tell it,” says Wonpil, “he’s a better storyteller than me.”

“Yeah,” says Jae, “but I asked you, not him.” Jae is aware his lizard brain is taking over. There is just enough alcohol in his system that rational-Jae is struggling to take back control.

“Is something wrong, hyung?” asks Wonpil. Dowoon looks deeply uncomfortable.

“No,” Jae manages to say, but he knows he sounds petulant. He spots Sungjin shooting Brian a look out of the corner of his eye, which pisses him off even more.

Luckily, after a moment’s awkward pause the conversation moves on, but Jae is very much and very clearly not part of it. When Brian goes up to get the next round he cuts him off before he even opens his mouth, “I’m getting you soda, and you’re going to like it.”

“I’m older than you,” he says.

“Act like it,” says Brian, and leaves.

He ends up glaring into his glass for most of the night, pissed at Brian and Sungjin for getting on so well with Dowoon; at Dowoon for being nice and friendly and taking up all of Wonpil’s attention, and at himself for not understanding why this is making him so pissed in the first place. Internalised homophobia, if that’s what it is, really is a trip.

It’s when they’re about to leave that Jae puts the final nail in the coffin.

“It was lovely to meet you all,” says Dowoon, “thank you for welcoming me into your friendship group.”

Dowoon, awkward duck that he is, bows and then goes in for handshake and Jae yanks his hand away. He offers it again a split second later, but the damage is done. Dowoon’s eyebrows raise in surprise and a flicker of genuine hurt flashes across his face.

Jae looks at Wonpil. His brows are furrowed and he’s biting his lip, and Jae knows that Wonpil’s caught on to how he’s been acting. Shit.  

He and Wonpil walk back from the bar together. It’s normally not a long walk, but then normally, he and Wonpil are laughing and joking. Now, the atmosphere is notably frosty and it seems to take forever.

Jae was already doing a nice job of sobering up in the bar, but now he’s stone-cold sober and rational Jae is back online, absolutely kicking himself for all of lizard-Jae’s bad choices. He really couldn’t manage one pleasant conversation with Dowoon? Not one? He’d done better when he’d seen him at the apartment, for God’s sake.

He shoots a glance at Wonpil, expecting to see him looking upset. Instead, his expression is hard, set and stormy. He looks angry. Jae doesn’t see Wonpil angry very often.

“Uh, Wonpil—” Jae starts.

“What?” he snaps. And holy shit. Wonpil doesn’t snap. Wonpil doesn’t get angry like this. Jae has majorly fucked up.

“Sorry if I came across kind of rude earlier, I just…” he trails off.

“Just what?”

“I don’t know,” says Jae, struggling to find an excuse that doesn’t sound terrible and homophobic. “This is hard for me,” he says weakly.

Wonpil stops walking. His hands are in the pockets of his denim jacket and his glare is absolutely devastating. “If you’re mad at me, don’t take it out on Dowoon.”

“Why would I be mad at you?” he says weakly. He’s also stopped walking, and he’s very aware they are about to have an argument in a public place. It’s late, sure, but there are still pedestrians hanging around. A woman across the street glances at them.

“Because I’m gay?” says Wonpil, “Because I invited Dowoon around without telling you – which, by the way, is super unfair of you because you used to invite girls around all the time. Because I told other people before I told you? Take your pick.”

“None of those,” he says, hating how unsure he sounds.

Wonpil clearly hears it in his voice. “God, ok. So it is that. You do have a problem with me being gay.”

“No!” Jae says quickly, “I’m just working through some stuff!”

“What stuff, hyung? What stuff could you be working through that would excuse how rude you were to Dowoonie tonight?”

“I don’t know!” says Jae in frustration, and Wonpil actually scoffs.

“Or you won’t tell me.”

“No!” says Jae, and he feels desperate. He’s self-sabotaging, he knows, he has been all evening, and he needs Wonpil to see. Needs him to understand, even if Jae himself doesn’t. “I genuinely don’t know what’s going on with me. I don’t know why I was so rude to Dowoon, he seems like a nice person. I don’t know why seeing you together is freaking me out so much but I’m working on it, ok? I’m dealing with it. I’m not used to seeing you with a boyfriend, alright?”

Wonpil’s mouth is hanging open. He has that look of understanding that Brian and Sungjin both had when he explained his current crisis to them. He wishes someone would explain it to him.

Wonpil is much quieter when he speaks again. “Dowoon and I aren’t dating, Jae.”

“What?” says Jae, his brain screeching to a halt.

“We’re not romantically involved. We’ve hooked up a few times. I wanted you to get to know him better because he’s cool but a bit of a loner and I thought you guys would get along. He’s not my boyfriend. I don’t have one.”

It’s like a weight Jae didn’t know he’d been carrying has been lifted. Wonpil is not dating Dowoon. Wonpil is not dating anyone. He wants to cry with relief, but instead he just says, “Oh.”

Wonpil looks at him steadily. “Oh?” he repeats.  

“That’s a relief,” says Jae, before his brain can catch up and realise what a stupid thing that is to say. “I don’t want you to date Dowoon.”

The look on Wonpil’s face is almost fond. He looks happy and a little exasperated, having traded in his glare for the little crinkles at the sides of his eyes that Jae kind of loves. “Why not?”

“Uh…” says Jae. There’s something he’s supposed to say here. He knows there is. He’s on the tipping point of something, but he can’t figure out what. “I don’t know?”

 Wonpil blinks. “You don’t know.”

“Er, no. Should I?”

“Probably,” says Wonpil, “Given how rude you were to him.”

Wonpil starts walking again. Jae stands still thinking a moment too long and has to do a little half-jog to catch up with him. “Do you know why I was weird about Dowoon?”

“I’m starting to have a bit of an idea, yeah.”

“Can you tell me?”

Wonpil chokes on a laugh. “I don’t think it would be very ethical of me to tell you.”

There’s quiet as they carry on walking, the only sounds their footsteps and the general noises associated with walking through a relatively quiet part of the city at night. Jae feels distinctly left behind, like there’s something he should have figured out by now that everyone else already knows.

“I should apologise to Dowoon, shouldn’t I?” says Jae eventually.

“Absolutely,” says Wonpil, “You’re not off the hook for that because you’re going through something.”

“Can you invite him around so I can apologise?” he asks. They’re coming up to the door to their apartment building, now. Jae steps out of the way so Wonpil can unlock the door.

“Of course I can,” he says.

“Just don’t—” Jae bites his lip. Is this pushing it? Probably. “Don’t sleep with him this time, ok?”

Wonpil looks at him coolly, pushing the door open. “You don’t get to ask that of me, hyung.”

Which– ok. Fair. He’ll just have to make sure the two of them don’t get any alone time. Which means successfully hanging out with Dowoon, which he can definitely do. He hopes.

Chapter Text

Wonpil invites Dowoon around the very next day, which leads to this bizarre sense of deja-vu where Jae once again walks into the kitchen on a Sunday morning and Dowoon is standing there.

This time, however, he’s leaning against the counter, a mug already in his hands, talking quietly to Wonpil, who’s sat on the surface top next to him. “Hey,” says Jae, “thanks for coming over.”

Wonpil smiles at him encouragingly, which is both reassuring and makes Jae feel like a little kid getting praised for doing the bare minimum. “I’ll leave you alone, shall I?” he says, sliding off the counter and giving Jae a reassuring pat on the shoulder as he leaves the room.

“Er– ” says Jae. He’s got to apologise. The entire reason Dowoon is here is so he can apologise. But he doesn’t quite know how to get the words out. Does he just say it? Before he can psych himself up, Dowoon speaks.

“Wonpil talks about you all the time, you know,” says Dowoon.

“He does?”

Dowoon nods heartily. “I was really excited to meet you because of it.”

Ouch. Way to make a guy feel guilty. “Sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations,” says Jae. It’s not the apology he knows he needs to give, but Dowoon seems to take heart in it anyway, smiling at him.

“That’s ok. I think you still can.”

“How?” says Jae.

“Your coffee is terrible,” says Dowoon, putting his mug down on the counter. “Want to go get something better? You can pay, since you’re sorry.”

“Uh,” says Jae, taken aback, “sure.”  

“Great,” says Dowoon, straightening up and stretching. “There’s a café around the corner, isn’t there? Let’s walk.”

“I feel like I’ve been manipulated,” says Jae as he follows Dowoon out of the apartment.

“Nonsense,” says Dowoon, but there’s a glint of laughter in his eyes.

To be fair, it really is the least that Jae could do. Plus, it’s probably a good idea to try harder to get to know Dowoon as a friend if he’s going to be hanging around more, and he did a terrible job of that yesterday. Hopefully caffeine will smooth the way better than alcohol could.

There is a briefly awkward moment when they start walking. Dowoon seems fairly content with silence but Jae isn’t, and he realises he’s going to have to actually initiate any conversation. He searches around for a topic and a tiny snippet of information from their night at the bar floats back to him. “So, you play the drums?”

Dowoon looks sheepish. “Yes, not for a while though. I played them in my high school band; I want to pick them up again, but my apartment isn’t big enough for a kit.”

“Have you considered electric?” says Jae.

The conversation actually flows pretty naturally after that. Dowoon asks him for suggestions, and Jae admits he doesn’t know a whole lot about drums, but they do occasionally order in kits at the shop if a customer asks. He and Dowoon discuss if playing electric is as fun, and then they move on to Wonpil’s preference for keyboard over piano, and then they’re suddenly in the queue for coffee and it hasn’t been awkward at all.

Jae is genuinely feeling kind of proud of himself. And also really guilty because Dowoon is being way nicer to him than he deserves.

It’s only once they’re comfortably settled, ice thoroughly broken, drinks half-finished, that Jae tries again.

“Look,” he says, “I really do need to apologise for yesterday.”

Dowoon nods. “It’s ok. I get it.”

“No,” he says, “let me be a good person for once. I was really rude to you, and you didn’t deserve it, and I’m sorry. It wasn’t personal.”

“I know,” says Dowoon, sipping his coffee. “I’m not going to pretend it didn’t hurt my feelings a bit, but I get it.”

Jae stares at him. “Dude, I’m kind of freaked out by your emotional maturity right now. I could never.”

Dowoon just shrugs. “If I’m honest, Jae-ssi, I feel kind of like I’m partly in the wrong, too.”

“What?” says Jae, “No! I’m the person who messed up! You’re innocent.” The more he gets to know Dowoon, the surer he is that this guy is some kind of perfect angel man who can do no wrong.

“Well,” says Dowoon, his ears going a little red, “I didn’t mean to, but I did get in the way of you and Wonpil-hyung.”

“But that’s on me for being an idiot,” says Jae, not really surprised that Wonpil has filled Dowoon in on their argument from the night before. “I acted badly, and he called me out.”

“I don’t mean then,” says Dowoon with a little shake of his head. “I mean before that. When hyung and I – uh – spent the night together. I knew hyung talked a lot about his roommate Jae, but I didn’t realise you were…”

He looks at Jae meaningfully. Jae doesn’t get what he’s implying. “I was what?”

Dowoon’s ears are bright red. “Uh – interested in Wonpil-hyung? Like that?”

Jae stares at him. “You think I like Wonpil. Like, romantically.”

“Uh, yeah. Don’t you?”

Jae blinks at him. “I’m straight.”

“Oh,” says Dowoon, “I’m sorry. Is that why you haven’t told him how you feel?”

“No, I’m not closeted,” says Jae, “I’m straight. I like women.”

Dowoon’s eyes widen. “Wait,” he says, “then why were you so jealous of me and hyung?”

Jae can feel himself beginning to panic. “You thought I was jealous?”

Dowoon looks genuinely alarmed. “I didn’t realise you didn’t know! I thought that’s why you were apologising!”

“I was apologising for being a dick!” says Jae. His voice has gotten slightly hysterical; people are looking at them. “I hadn’t figured out why I was being a dick yet!”

He kind of wants to get up and start pacing, but the coffee shop is too crowded for that. Instead, he lets his head drop to the table and groans loudly. “Oh my god, I was jealous, wasn’t I?”  

“I didn’t mean to make you upset,” says Dowoon’s voice from somewhere above him, “Do you want me to text someone? Wonpil-hyung?”

“Nooo,” says Jae. Seeing Wonpil when his thoughts are swirling like this would be bad for his health.

“I have Younghyun-ssi’s number,” says Dowoon, “I could call him?”

“Fuck it,” says Jae, still talking to the table, “do that.”

“Ok,” says Dowoon, and then there’s the sound of a slightly panicked phone call somewhere above him.

“Hi, I’m with Jae-ssi, he’s having a panic attack, I think?” Jae grunts, shaking his head. “Ok, not a panic attack, but he’s very distressed. He said I could call you…”

Jae stays with his head on the table for quite some time. Dowoon, for his credit, goes and buys him a second cup of coffee and sits with him, telling him quiet stories about how he realised he’s gay (“I didn’t know until I was at least 20, it’s not that usual to take some time to figure it out, please don’t feel upset!”). It’s very sweet of him, if kind of not what Jae needs right now.

When Brian eventually shows up, Dowoon pats him on the back. “It was very nice talking to you again, hyung,” says Dowoon, “if it’s alright for me to call you that.”

“Sure,” says Jae to the condensation that his breath has formed on the metal tabletop, “talk to you later, Dowoonie.” Wonpil will be happy they’re getting along. It’s a shame Jae will never be able to look Wonpil in the eye without setting himself on fire.  

And then Dowoon leaves and Jae can feel Brian’s judging eyes on the back of his head even though the other man hasn’t even said anything to him yet.

“My life is a fucking disaster,” mumbles Jae when it becomes clear Brian won’t speak first.

“No it’s not,” says Brian. Jae feels a hand on his shoulder and another sneak under his armpit. “Come on, up you get.” He pulls Jae upright. Jae doesn’t fight it, just slouches back in his chair and covers his face with his hands.

“I was jealous, Bri.”

“I know,” he says, “or at least, I guessed.”

“I didn’t!” says Jae desperately, “Oh my god, I was such an idiot. I thought I was being homophobic.”

Brian half-laughs, “yeah, this hasn’t been your finest week.”

“You weren’t any help! You fed me that whole internalised homophobia thing,” says Jae, pressing his palms into his eyes.

“Well…” starts Brian, and he sounds so hesitant that Jae actually uncovers his eyes to look at him, “it’s not an entirely unfounded idea, is it? You probably do have some internalised homophobia to work through if you’ve been this resistant to figuring out you have feelings for a man.”

“Oh my god, I have feelings for Wonpil,” says Jae, like saying it out loud will somehow make it seem more real. “I like Wonpil. I got jealous of the guy he slept with. Fuck.”

“Would it help to talk it through?” asks Brian, “It’s like I can see your brain going into overdrive.”

“What is there to say? I’m a fucking idiot,” says Jae. He takes a sip of the second coffee Dowoon bought him to find out it’s already lukewarm.

“Well, true,” says Brian, “but not because of this. Figuring this stuff out is hard, hyung.”

“You and Wonpil figured it out before me,” says Jae miserably, “and I’m older than you.”

“It also has nothing to do with age,” says Brian. He’s looking at Dowoon’s half-abandoned iced americano like he’s genuinely considering taking a sip. Jae is glad he’s not the only disaster in his friendship group.

“Go get a drink,” he says, “I’ll be ok for like five minutes.”

“Sure?” says Brian doubtfully.

“Yes, just go,” says Jae.

Brian gets up to order and Jae moves Dowoon’s abandoned drink to the empty table next to theirs so Brian won’t be tempted. Suddenly at a loss for what to do, he fishes his phone out of the pocket of his hoodie and stares at the lock screen. He has a message from Wonpil.

 hyungie!!! i’m so proud of you for making up with dowoon! see you at home ♡♡♡

Had he always found Wonpil’s way of texting so heart-wrenchingly cute? He scrolls up through their previous conversations and realises that yeah, probably.

He doesn’t respond to Wonpil’s message, figuring it’s ok to give himself a little time to think, and instead goes to text Dowoon. Or, he tries to, before he realises he obviously doesn’t have Dowoon’s number. He finds him on Instagram instead (he follows Wonpil and Brian already) and DMs him, feeling a little weird about it.

hi – thanks for giving me a second chance and for sitting with me while I freaked out lol. friends?

friends!!!

He snorts. Figures Wonpil would make friends with a literal puppy. Brian returns with his own drink and also a slice of cake because he’s the most food-motivated person Jae knows.

“The noona on the register asked if you were ok, apparently Dowoon said you were going through a ‘love crisis’. I told her this cake was for you. It’s not.”

Jae looks over at the woman behind the counter, who’s looking in their direction. She spots him looking and gives him a little “fighting!” gesture. It’s as motivational as it is utterly embarrassing.

“So,” says Brian, “serious talk. What do you want to do about Wonpil?”

Jae leans over, finger outstretched, to try to steal some of the cake’s icing. Brian slaps his hand away. “I dunno,” says Jae, “never tell him and cry myself to sleep?”

“So you think he doesn’t like you back?”

“I’ve got no reason to think he does,” says Jae, “besides—” he halts. He’d been about to mention Wonpil’s comment that Jae didn’t get to decide who he slept with but something else from yesterday’s argument dawns on him. “Oh, shit.”

“What?” asks Brian.

“He already knows,” says Jae, horrified, “he figured out I was jealous yesterday. He literally told me he knew why I’d been acting weird.”

Brian looks delighted, “You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not, and there’s no need to look so happy about it.”

“This is incredible,” says Brian, “you were so obvious Wonpil caught on.”

 “Hey,” says Jae, kind of offended on Wonpil’s behalf.

“No,” says Brian, “You don’t get it. Wonpil’s been convinced you don’t like him half as much as he likes you for basically as long as you’ve known each other. And even with that mental block he could still tell that you were jealous.”

“What?” says Jae, his stomach dropping. “Wonpil thinks I don’t like him?”

 “Uh, not exactly. He just worries that he annoys you.”

 “But I like him the most!” says Jae, horrified, “he’s annoying but I’m annoying too, we cancel each other out!” Panicked, Jae pushes back his chair and stands up.

“Wait, are you leaving?” asks Brian.

“You just told me Wonpil thinks I don’t like him,” says Jae, “I need to go and show him how not true that is!”

Across the coffee shop, the noona behind the counter cheers.

Jae powerwalks back to the apartment and practically flings himself through the door. “Wonpil?” he calls, kicking off his shoes, “Wonpil?”

He takes a few steps down the hall and Wonpil appears in the doorway to the living room. “Jae? Is everything ok?”

Jae lurches forward, not really sure what his game plan is, stopping directly in front of Wonpil. He puts his hands on either side of the other’s face, squishing his cheeks a little, forcing Wonpil to make eye contact.

“Hi,” says Jae, “I am going to tell you something very important and I don’t want you to interrupt until I’m done. Ok?”

Wonpil’s cheeks are already colouring. He nods.

“Great. So it has come to my attention that you think that you like me more than I like you. That isn’t true. That is the most un-true thing in the entire world.

“Pillie, you are my favourite person, I literally like everything about you. Even when you’re being deliberately annoying, I like you. You’re kind and funny, and the most adorable little shit I’ve ever met, you’re my best friend and the best roommate I’ve ever had. I love living with you, I never want to not be living with you. Even when I pretend that I don’t like you or that you’re annoying me, it’s just pretend, ok?”

“Ok,” says Wonpil, trying to pull away, “thank you.”

“No, I’m not done. I like your hair – have I told you that before? I always want to touch it, I love the little fluffy bits by your ears,” he says, rubbing the pads of his fingers over them as he speaks. “You’ve got the best laugh, too, particularly when you find something really funny and you get all hiccup-y. And your eyes! You have the best eyes. Do you know I think about your eye crinkles all the time? Like, it’s weird. I meet a new person and they smile and I’m like ‘not as good as Pillie’s.’ Also speaking of, your smile? Lights up the entire fucking room my dude.”

Wonpil smiles then, not the big smile Jae’s talking about but an embarrassed twitch of his lips. Emboldened, Jae continues,

“Also, remember when we moved in together and you used to joke we were married? I acted like I hated it but that’s just because I freaked out about how much I liked it. It would be a goddamn honour to be married to you, Kim Wonpil. And another thing–”

Jae’s cut off by Wonpil lurching forward and smashing their lips together. It’s quite possibly the most intense moment of Jae’s life, but it’s over in barely a second. Jae, shocked, lets his hands go limp and fall onto Wonpil’s shoulders.

“What just happened?” asks Jae, dazed.

Wonpil beams at him. “You like me.”

“Yes, obviously, I basically just wrote you an essay about it.”

“I like you too,” says Wonpil, “I’ve liked you for so long, hyung. I thought it was hopeless.”

Wonpil leans forward again to kiss him and this time Jae’s prepared, holding on tight to Wonpil’s shoulders to keep him in place. But Wonpil is way ahead of him, clutching the front of Jae’s jacket and pulling their bodies closer.

“Not hopeless,” says Jae, pulling away and pressing his face into the side of Wonpil’s neck. “I just took a while to catch up.”

Wonpil’s breath hitches and Jae presses a deliberate kiss to Wonpil’s neck. Liking the response it gets him, he fits in about two more before Wonpil gets impatient and brings their lips together again.

Not to be dramatic, but it’s probably the best kiss of Jae’s life. He cannot believe he has been living with Wonpil for two years and he’s been missing out on this the whole time. Wonpil gives as much as he takes, taking control of the kiss itself but letting Jae lead him backwards towards the couch without any protest.

He breaks the kiss to push Wonpil down onto the sofa, and then climbs on top of him, pressing a kiss to Wonpil’s forehead this time as he does so. Wonpil starts to laugh – and it’s not a sexy laugh, it’s a proper one.

“What?” asks Jae, sitting up on his haunches.

“I just don’t think–” Wonpil cuts himself off to laugh more, “–think I’d fully realised just how much seeing Dowoon and I together had affected you, hyung.”

Jae, noticing their positions – a mirror to Wonpil and Dowoon almost a week ago – flushes. “Shut up,” he says.

Jae tries to kiss him again but Wonpil’s laughing too much for it to work. Jae pouts. “Pillie,” he says, “you can’t laugh at me for this, I’m allowed to be possessive. I thought I was going mad. I thought I was some kind of homophobic prick because seeing you two together made me want to die.”

“But you were jealous,” says Wonpil in a sing-song voice, “Jealous Jae-hyung.”

“You’re annoying,” says Jae.

“But you like that I’m annoying,” returns Wonpil, grinning, “you just told me, remember? You think I’m cute.”

“Stupidly cute,” Jae agrees, “it’s terrible.”

Wonpil lets him kiss him again, and while Jae’s way too new to this whole liking-a-man thing to risk crotches getting involved quite yet, his position does allow him to run his fingers along Wonpil’s collarbones, his cheekbones, push them up into his hair.

“Christ, I like you so much,” he says against Wonpil’s lips, “it’s weird. It’s like I’ve never let myself think about it, but I have this whole list of things I want to do to you anyway.”

Wonpil’s eyes grow dark. “Well, why don’t you start ticking some off?”