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Sigh.
Yamaguchi stands in his bedroom in his pyjamas, pulling experimentally at the taut fabric of the binder. He needed to get a new one soon, this one had pretty much run its course- it was beginning to give him pretty bad red marks on his ribs and shoulders, even when he wore it for a few hours. He had always prided himself on being sensible with his binders, making sure to give himself room to breathe. He had plenty of too-big hoodies and shirts, and he thought that clothes looked better layered anyways, and if he didn’t look at his chest for too long, he could get by. There was, of course, days where he couldn’t stand to look at himself, and kept quiet unless it was absolutely necessary to speak. Those days were difficult, he had to admit, especially when he was in school and trying hard not to completely hide himself at his desk.
Humming along to the radio, he pulls it over his head, and stands in the mirror to adjust himself properly, arms lifted over his head- mmm, so much to consider on his body. His underarm hair was still fine, still soft, and didn’t seem like it was going to grow much further. He would rather it did, even though he knows it’s a weird thing to get dysphoric over. He ran his fingers over his shoulders, feeling the muscles he had developed- he had to admit, he was pretty happy that volleyball had gotten him to a good shape, his shoulders felt broader, his back felt right, his calves felt right. It felt more right than ever.
Rolling his shoulders back to have the binder adjust to his body, he taps his chest again, squinting at the mirror and turning to the side to make sure it looks right, one hand on his stomach as he double checks everything. Yeah. That felt right. He applies deodorant, mm, he’ll have to get more soon. Another thing on the checklist. His mother calls him for breakfast, and he jumps, before picking his shirt up from the back of his chair, buttoning it up as quickly as possible, before sprinting downstairs, his socks making muted thumps on the floor as he skids into the kitchen. His mother is just finishing setting the table, and he settles between his sisters, and everything just goes as normal.
He packs his school bag, and turns when his sister, Nanami, arrives at his door, balancing his younger sister on her hip.
“Ehh, Tadashi , can you take Sayuri and help her get dressed? Mum is trying to clean the kitchen, and I need to get ready for school…”
He smiles, and lifts Sayuri from his sister’s arms, “Hurry, okay? Mum has a meeting today, we don’t want to make her late.” He calls after her, as Sayuri pokes at his cheek, and pulls at his hair. “Ow- Sayuri- ” He grumbles, “It is getting long, huh? Is this you telling me to get it cut?” He asks, and she giggles in reply. He bounces along to the radio as he zips his bag up one-handed, before swinging it on his shoulder, and heads toward his sister’s room, dresses her quickly, before trotting downstairs. His mother smiles when he appears, and takes Sayuri from his arms. “Ah, Kei is outside, will you be late back tonight?” She asks, as he begins to shuffle on his shoes. “Ah- I think I’m staying at his place tonight, but I’ll let you know for sure, okay? I’ll text you before one.” He says, leaning to kiss her cheek, before waving to his sister. “Bye, Mom! Bye Sayuri!” He leans to shout up the stairs, “Bye Nanami!”
He can see Tsukishima standing outside, leaning against his wall, flipping through music on his phone, before glancing up when he hears the door close, and the thud of Tadashi’s feet on the pavement as he approaches the other. “ Sorry , Tsukki! I had to dress Sayuri!” He says cheerfully, and the other nods, “I figured. Nanami was trying to get my attention from the window.” He says, and Yamaguchi spins around, and sticks his tongue out at his sister, who returns the gesture. Tsukishima snickers a little, before they set off. It’s always kind of strange to watch Yamaguchi change from his home environment to the school environment. His manner at home was always far more enthusiastic and loud than it was in school, he found. He watches as Yamaguchi fixes his shirt a few times, he knows that commenting won’t really do much good, so he just continues walking as Yamaguchi gives him a play-by-play of his Animal Crossing: Wild World adventures. He didn’t have the money for a switch yet, even if he was working as many weekends as he could at Shimada’s Mart, so his DS would have to make do until he had the money. It was kind of touching, to see how hard he was working to get everything for himself.
“Mmm, I need to get a new binder soon.” He tells his friend, his energy fading as they get closer to school. “The one I have is getting sort of stretched , and it keeps leaving marks on my skin when I wear it for a few hours, even safely. I was doing some reading on this tape stuff, apparently it’s really good, but there’s a brand specifically for people like me, and it comes with oils and salves and stuff to help get it off, and you can wear it while you’re exercising , so I was thinking about getting that…” He glances up at the other for his input, and Tsukishima speaks without looking at him, “Just make sure you do all the research you can. You’re smart. Is it expensive?”
Yamaguchi groans, “ Yeah . Really expensive. But I want to try it out.” He looks determined, and smiles at the other. “Ah- just to make sure, I am staying over tonight, right? To study for the English test?” He asks. Tsukishima nods his affirmation, before sighing. “Hope we don’t have too many laps tonight, Sawamura has really been laying it on these last few weeks.”
Yamaguchi hums, “Mmm, yeah, he has. He must be pretty worried about the upcoming match, right?” He asks, head tilted. Tsukishima hums his affirmations once again, and Yamaguchi quietens when the school comes up ahead- he’d always been sort of scared of school, even when he had Tsukishima by his side. He just wasn’t that much of a people person. He liked making friends, liked talking to people, but there's just been so many bad experiences, he preferred to stick to people he knew. He guesses he was pretty lucky to have Tsukishima in the same class as him. It made things easier. Way easier.
The day goes by the same as any other day, the teacher stumbles over Yamaguchi’s name when she does her roll call, they struggle through their classes, the sun shines brightly into the room, and the sigh of relief when the sound of lunch break arrives is nice. It’s a hot day, and people begin shedding their jackets, leaving to go for a walk outside. Yamaguchi sits on the desk in front of Tsukishima’s, chewing pensively on the soboro his mother had packed him.
“Ahh, Tsukki, I won’t lie, I’m not looking forward to training today…” He groaned, deflating, “We’re going to be so sweaty. Grooooss… ”
Tsukishima snorts, “Yeah, not great. But if we skip, Sawamura and Sugawara are going to come for our throats.”
“Exactly !”
They eat lunch in relative peace, chatting idly about small things, before Yamaguchi excuses himself to run to the bathroom. He’s sweating, and it’s making his binder stick to him, and he doesn’t want to take off his jacket, because the binder is black, and way too visible through the white fabric of his shirt. He sighs at length, ruffles his hair- it really is getting long, he’ll have to try and trim it down soon, he doesn’t want to cause his mother the expense…
As he shuffles in the dark of the bathroom stall, trying to fix himself up, he feels more uncomfortable by the second, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to think rationally, but it feels like his entire body is swelling, becoming disproportionate, and what Yamaguchi saw in the mirror this morning is completely gone, replaced by a far too feminine figure, despite every measure used to prevent it. He breathes in thinly, and adjusts his binder with a twist, feeling the fabric pull on his damp skin. It takes a few more twists and turns, and Yamaguchi buttons his gakuran all the way up, and slips from the bathroom, eyes avoiding the mirrors, and any reflective surface on the way back. He arrives at the classroom door, and Tsukishima glances at him, nodding in greeting. Yamaguchi’s chest feels tight, so he simply nods in return.
Tsukishima notes that Yamaguchi seems off, so in silence, he offers the other one of his earbuds, and they sit there quietly, listening to Tsukishima’s playlist. It’s quiet, sort of calm music that helps ease Yamaguchi’s nerves, but he’s still so worried about practice. What is he going to do? It’s too hot, he doesn’t want to change, he’s too scared to even look at himself for too long, everything looks so disgusting, so wrong, it’s not even him , is it? What is he going to do? He doesn’t want to make it terribly awkward by explaining to Sawamura and Sugawara- what does he do?
Tsukishima shifts on the desk, watching the other thoughtfully as he slips further and further into his own head. His hand rests on his cheek, and he watches as Yamaguchi pales, white against his flushed cheeks- he really is too warm, isn’t he?
He reaches forward, knocks his knuckles against the top of Yamaguchi’s head, and breathes out. “I have a white t-shirt you can wear under your shirt.” He says calmly. “You’re sweating, Yamaguchi. You’re going to stink up the whole classroom.”
Yamaguchi knows he doesn’t mean it, and he hopes that the shirt will do him some sort of good, but he’s too afraid to go back to wrestling with himself in the bathroom, and lunch is going to end soon. He shakes his head, but smiles, opening his mouth to say that he was grateful, but he just couldn’t. But he doesn’t want to speak, because he knows he’s going to cringe at the sound of his voice. It’s an almost choking experience, and he wants to cry, but that would make it even worse. Just- breathe. Breathe.
Tsukishima notes the other’s gratitude anyway, he could pick it up, even when Yamaguchi was struggling. They always had that sort of link between them, which was nice to have. It made things easier when they were struggling. They sit in silence until the lunch bell rings, Yamaguchi playing with the buttons on his phone, texting his mother about where he’d be tonight, Tsukishima reading, linked together only by the earbuds they shared. The music helped to calm Yamaguchi a little, but the idea of speaking was still strangling. He was going to have to say something, but he didn’t know if he had the courage.
They move back to their respective seats, and Yamaguchi sinks into his chair, the sun beating through the window on him like it had a vendetta against him. He breathes through his mouth, hunching over his books once the teacher assigns them work to do. Tsukishima watches him for a few moments at a time. He can tell that Yamaguchi is slipping under, drowning, and he wants to help, but it’s hard at times like this. He had done his best to educate himself when the other had first come out, but things like these… well, they weren’t as clean cut. Yamaguchi had his own way of getting out, and all he could really do was be there for him. It was as simple as that. Maybe it was a blessing that the other was staying over at his house tonight- he doesn’t really want to think about what Yamaguchi would do if he were alone, despite how careful the other was. He just didn’t really know how Yamaguchi was going to get through training. He mused about saying something to their captain himself, but… hm. He’d have to see what Yamaguchi wanted, after class.
The warmth of the classroom is nice, sleepy. People stretch and yawn across the rows, and there’s only a few whispers among friends as they work, even the teacher seems tired. The sound of the bell is welcomed with a cacophony of scraping chairs, tables, books being shut and exclaims about the good weather, friends asking about weekend plans, plans for this evening, hopes for the weather to keep itself this way.
Tsukishima takes his time packing, as he always does. Yamaguchi is usually at his desk when he’s about halfway done, but when he glances up, it seems like Yamaguchi is only just starting to move. Something definitely feels more wrong than usual. He says nothing, and continues to pack. It’s odd to be the first one finished between the two of them, but he simply sits on his desk and waits. This is the sort of thing Yamaguchi worked through on his own, and he understood that, so he lets the other go at his own pace.
Yamaguchi can’t think straight. He feels like his brain has been put through a blender, and then a sieve, for good measure. He feels awful. Just god-awful . Everything about him feels like it’s been reversed, like all the effort he put into being himself, into passing, was for nought. It feels like the binder isn’t doing it’s job, the exercise isn’t making him look the way he wants, he feels too slim, too delicate, the body he is in isn’t the one he wants, isn’t the one he tried to alter for the better, it feels heavy, and wrong, wrong, wrong .
He barely hears the signal for the end of the day, and it takes him so long to move, because the class had been spent digging his nails into his knees and trying so hard not to bawl because of how disgusting he felt, trying not to breathe too loudly, trying not to impose, trying not to exist in the classroom, and if he had, trying to be as unnoticeable as possible. It didn’t work, because Tsukishima picked up, but he couldn’t really expect anything less from his best friend.
It takes a Herculean effort to begin moving his books from his desk into his shoulder bag, and it feels like time is moving slower, or maybe he is. His fingers tremble as he pulls the zip, fastens the bag shut, and pushes himself to his feet, feeling like his throat is full of cotton. God, this isn’t fair ! It was such a lovely day outside, it had started out so nicely, he had felt so good, and now he doesn’t! It wasn’t fair! What had he done so wrong ?!
Tsukishima hears his teeth grit as Yamaguchi comes to stand beside him, shuffling to his feet. He bumps his elbow off the other gently, “You’re going to hurt your teeth if you don’t stop.” He says quietly, before taking the lead in leaving the classroom. The two of them move slowly, Tsukishima lagging his steps to keep in time with Yamaguchi. The other is silent, tongue pressed between his teeth, his eyes glimmer more than usual, and his face is red with near-overheat and the effort of trying not to cry.
They walk through the hallways, before Tsukishima takes a breath, “Do you want me to talk to Sawamura? Or- uh, Sugawara?” He asks, his eyes flickering to Yamaguchi. The other keeps walking, Tsukishima just waits for him to answer as they walk. He knows the other is mulling it over.
God- what should he do?
What does he do, what does he do, what does he do ? Does he brave it out and go to practice and risk completely shattering if he does one thing wrong? Makes one mistake? Does he try to work past the choking dysphoria and risk feeling worse later? Does he give practice a miss this week and risk upsetting Sawamura and Sugawara? Does he give practice a miss and just sit there waiting for Tsukishima, getting glances from everyone wondering if he was okay? Does he try for the sake of trying, even though he can practically envision his sports bra taunting him, because you still need me, even if I shouldn’t be here, Tadashi.
His breath thins, and he squeezes his eyes shut, forces the words past his lips, even if his voice grates on his ears. “I’ll talk to them if I need to. Thanks, Tsukki.” He says quietly, and the other hums an affirmative. Tsukishima’s kind of happy that Yamaguchi spoke, it meant that he was getting through it, even if it was difficult. It was rough to see Yamaguchi like this, and he knew that the evening ahead wouldn’t be easy, but when Yamaguchi makes plans, he sticks to them, and Tsukishima would stick to them too.
The two of them walk toward the club room, and Yamaguchi speaks again, and Tsukishima can hear the effort he’s going through to force his voice out. “Ah- could you… get them to come outside? I don’t want to d-..draw attention… sorry, Tsukki.” He murmurs, but the other raises a brow. “Yeah. Sure. You want the both of them?” He asks, and Yamaguchi hums in approval.
Once they’ve arrived, Yamaguchi leans against the wall heavily as Tsukishima shows up, he can hear familiar voices greeting him as he enters wordlessly. Just as the door shuts, he hears Hinata exclaim, “Oy, where’s Yamaguchi?!” and he feels the tension crawl up his back, and he breathes out unsteadily.
Okay . You’re going to ask your captain and vice what the best idea is. Should you give it a miss, or should you go ahead with it, or should you just walk to a field and dig a big hole and keep yourself in there until you rot ?
He hears a shuffle, and the door clicks, Sawamura and Sugawara emerging, already dressed for training. Yamaguchi suddenly feels smaller than ever, his shoulders hunching. Sugawara tilts his head at the other, “Mmm, Yamaguchi, Tsukishima said you wanted to talk to us? Are you alright?”
Yamaguchi watches Sawamura lean against the railing, his arms folded across his chest as he watches the other, and God, does he feel watched. Every move he makes feels strange, and it takes a few moments for Yamaguchi to gather up the courage to speak.
“I-um-...” He begins shakily, “I- you guys know that-... uh… I got-... well, you see, I-...” He brings his hands to his eyes, swipes at them, tries to level his breathing. Sugawara and Sawamura watch him, eyes squinted in concern, but they keep silent, waiting for Yamaguchi to get it out. He always did manage to, it just required patience.
“I-... I got-... I started off today fine, but I-.. got really- uh, dys-... dysphoric- today, when I was in class, because it was really hot, and I just didn’t feel comfortable, and I’m okay now, it’s just really warm, but I don’t know if I can do practice today, but I’m not sick, and I just wanted to-... I just wanted to let you guys know, because I- I want to do practice, I don’t want to skip, I’ve been working really hard , but I don’t want to-... well, it’s just going to be hard to change, but I really want to try, but I just-... I just wanted to let you guys know, because it’s really hard to talk, even though I’m rambling right now, and I might- uh, get a bit more panicky than usual and I just kind of wanted to see if you guys could get everyone to go a little easier on me today, or-.. Uh, well, I more so mean not to yell at me, because- uh, I might get upset , but I can work just as hard as I normally do- I just---”
“Yamaguchi.” Daichi interrupts him, and the shorter boy looks up at him, shoulders shaking. “No need to pressure yourself. If you can train today, then you should. But make sure you’re being safe about it, we don’t want you to be hurt. We’ll be easy on you today, right , Suga?” He turns his head to the vice, who nods, smiling.
“That’s right, Daichi. I think you should push all your negative feelings into your performance at training today, and it might make you feel a bit better, alright, Yamaguchi?” He asks. The younger nods firmly, before bowing, eyes shut tight. “Thank you! I’m so sorry for this, I don’t want to be a nuisance, I just wanted to let you know!”
The two smile, Daichi patting him on the shoulder. “Go and get changed. We’ll see you in the gym.” He says, a note of encouragement in his voice. Yamaguchi nods, and turns toward the adjoining room, feeling better now that he knew they were on his side.
He finds himself reflecting on Suga’s words as he begins to change into his tracksuit, unbuttoning his shirt slowly, lips pursed in thought. Push all his negative feelings into his training… He guessed his elder was right, it would make for a good way to get his feelings out, get all that anger of how unfair today was out of his system. It was a good idea, and he finds that once he’s lost that train of thought, he has already changed, which meant that he didn’t have to worry about having to look anywhere. He definitely felt more comfortable with the sports bra on, less sweat sticking to him, even if he couldn’t look down, it felt a lot better.
He steps out into the warm air, and smiles.
Training was pretty difficult , he had to admit, but he felt so much energy, as they went through their drills. He felt himself serving with a fury, his focus put into the ball, and where he would put it, and he doesn’t feel as much shame when the ball doesn’t go his way, and feels… lifted , with his teammates encouragement.
Receiving was where it really hit him- he’d never been a strong receiver, but as the balls were served in his direction, he felt his feet move quicker, his arms held a strength he didn’t know he had, and he could feel the ball’s impact in his bones. He hears the cheers behind him when he pulls off a particularly good recieve, and Noya slaps him on the back with a grin, “ Hey , you’re getting too good! Stop it, or I’ll have to fight you for libero, huh ?!” He asks, nose scrunched in a mischievous expression. Yamaguchi felt himself apologise, but he’s laughing as well, and it feels so good.
Training went well. It went really well. Yamaguchi had to admit, he felt much better as he sat among his teammates, listening to Ukai giving them a regular morale boost, their plans for the next while, what matches would be played, and it only gave him more motivation, more purpose to improve, to try harder .
When everyone begins to depart, Suga gives him a knowing smile. “You’ll have to keep that up, Yamaguchi.” He says, giving him a nudge. Yamaguchi nods firmly, hand on the back of his neck, expression a little bashful. “I didn’t know I had it in me. But I’ll try my best.” He says, before bowing to the other. “Thank you, for that. It really helped.”
The older simply smiles. “I’m glad it did. Now get home safe, you two.” He flickers his gaze up to Tsukishima, who had fallen into place beside Yamaguchi, and the taller of the two nods in time to Yamaguchi’s voice. “ We will !”
The walk home is quiet, but it’s nice. The evening is cooler, but the warmth of the day still remains. Yamaguchi walked in step with Tsukishima, there wasn’t much need for words, but Tsukishima had to admit, it was nicer now that Yamaguchi wasn’t so… upset. He didn’t have to worry so much about the other, now that he seemed so upbeat. He knew that what he was feeling hadn’t left him, but he knew that Yamaguchi’s resolve would help him through it, and Tsukishima would be there to help, if needed.
“Do you want to watch a movie after we finish studying, Tsukki?” He asks, hands finding his pockets as he walked with the other.
“Mmm, yeah. Something a little action packed, I think.” He responds, “I think I can find something from Akiteru’s collection.”
“That sounds good to me!” Yamaguchi hums.
“Yamaguchi?”
“Mmm?”
Tsukishima stops in his tracks, head tilted as he looks at the other. Yamaguchi notices the glint of his glasses frames on the street light, but what he notices most is the small smile on the others lips.
“Good job today.”
Yamaguchi blinks.
“Uh- wow, thanks, Tsukki!”
There’s a warm feeling in his chest, it spreads through his arms, down his back, up his legs, pools in his brain, and he can’t stop the massive smile on his face. Compliments from Tsukishima were rare, but they came when it was important, and… today was important. Yamaguchi really couldn’t appreciate something more than that.
Tsukishima walks once more, and Yamaguchi falls into step beside him. He really couldn’t be more grateful for how today went, how supportive everyone was… It meant a lot to him, that they would be so kind.
It was the real spirit of Karasuno, and he knew it.