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It was the middle of the night and she was awake. The silent lullaby of nightly silence was singing in the little cabin, once empty, cold and lonely, but now alive with their shared warmth. Sadie dared to open her eyes and greet with a grimace the moonlight coming through the window. She felt way too vulnerable knowing that anyone could watch her sleeping and to her vulnerability always came with a challenge. They hadn't found the right opportunity to get some goddamn curtains yet. Arthur said he'd try to get his hands in some as soon as possible but to her it would always be way too soon for him to go waltzing into a town as if there wasn't a small fortune on his head.
That's the thing about loss, it always comes way too soon. Fate has interrupted her life in the middle of a sentence before, taking Jake away from her forever. Before all this, forever used to have another meaning, and she was trying to find that meaning again.
But it was so goddamn difficult to look for it in the scars of his naked back when all she wanted was to have him in her arms.
Every night was the same, Arthur would bid her goodnight and roll over, turning his back to her, no matter how desperately his lips had feasted on her skin or how tightly that unique veil of bliss had wrapped them both.
She knew he'd never had this before. Most nights in his life were either spent without an embrace to come back to or shared with the fear of having his throat slit. She wanted him to feel safe and cherished but words weren't exactly her strongest suit.
Sadie was a woman of bold moves, and now wasn't the time she was going to change her preferred course of action.
She reached for him with a slightly uncertain hand, caressing the thin hair on his upper back, feeling the muscles underneath rising a falling with his steady breathing, reminding her that he was alive and well. The warmth of his skin melted something inside her that threatened to turn into tears and spill from her eyes.
But tonight wasn't made for ghosts. Tossing these unwelcome thoughts to the deepest pit of her mind, Sadie threw caution to the wind. Daring to come closer and rest her cheek on his back, closing her eyes and inhaling his scent, she managed to find the tracks of her long lost forever, starting on his bicep. Her hands wasted no time to follow the new found trail, caressing his upper arm as she pressed her naked chest to his back, noticing that his breaths weren't so even anymore.
She freezed.
He was awake.
He was awake and his heart was beating heavily, breaking that fog that separated dreams from the waking world with a yearning he couldn't quite understand. Her touch was welcome, more than welcome, yet intimacy was still uncharted territory to him. He longed for it, there was no denying, but he was lost in a constant battle between his desires and the everlasting fear of being a burden.
Sleeping as bare as one can be on the same bed and beneath the same blanket scared him. But her touch brought him back to a safe corner of his mind where all his doubts and fears were nothing but a bottle carrying a forgotten message in the waves of a very distant sea.
"Why do you always roll away from me" she half whispered, confusion, hurt and frustration managing to fit in such a hushed tone.
"Just trying to give you some space is all" his answer couldn't be any further away form the truth of his thoughts
"I don't want no goddamn space Arthur " the words left her mouth with all the certainty of a woman who had just thrown caution to the wind "I want you"
"Again?" He asked, turning to her with a sleepy smirk on his face. He understood her true meaning, but thought humor could somehow soften the weight of his lonely past. He knew she wanted him to be somewhere and he was terrified of disappointing her because he simply didn't know how to get there.
He'd never known true intimacy before.
"Not like that, not right now at least"
"Guess I'm almost disappointed" he chuckled
His eyes were bathing in moonlight, mixing concern and kindness in a peaceful shade of blue. Even after all this years they managed to comfort her in ways she didn't even know. He stared at her, sharing his silent fear and hoping she would get it.
She did.
"I want you to help me find something, can you do that?"
"Sure" he answers hesitating, unsure of himself more than anything "What is it?"
"I'll tell you when I find it, now close your eyes"
"How am I supposed to find anything with my eyes closed?" He blurted out, truly confused this time
"Some things you don't need eyes to see" she replied, making him wonder about how she managed to balance tenderness and exasperation in a single sentence "Just close your eyes Arthur, please. I ain't gonna hurt you or anything, trust me"
"Alright, woman" he closed his eyes with a lazy smile "Life with you can be many things but boring sure ain't one of them"
With a deep breath and a few quick glances at his soft features, Sadie leaned into him, eyes shut and brows furrowed. Her breaths quickly mixed with his, foreheads touching as she brushed her nose against his, catching the scent of what she longed for.
He was tense, but her touch silenced the self doubt voice in the back of his mind and before his senses could catch up with his feelings, Arthur enveloped her with his arms, pressing his chest against hers. Whatever walls still remained surrendered to the peaceful warmth of her body. Touching her aimlessly, for the sake of touch itself was freeing in ways he couldn't quite describe.
There were no expectations to meet, there was no one to impress. Failure and disappointment weren't a problem, because there was no possibility of victory anymore.
Everything vanished and his world was nothing but warmth and skin. His skin, her skin and that peaceful string invisible to the naked eye that bound them together and some would call intimacy.
"You're full of surprises aren't you Sadie?" He murmured against her lips and dared to brush his own against hers and to such a gesture she replied with a tender but firm kiss, which were soon followed by more, always calm and steady, for the sake of touch alone.
She didn't answer him though. There was nothing to be said anymore as she pulled him closer, following the trail left behind by his meaning of forever until that humming that refused to leave his chest ever since her chase began finally ceased.
His head was lying on her chest, his arms clinging to her torso as her own held him close to her body. Her legs seemed to fit beautifully among his, just as neatly as her hand massaging his scalp, singing a silent lullaby of safety and surrender.
His breathing was even once again, sleep came smoothly and embraced them both.
And in the morning when the first traces of sunlight find his dark blonde locks she will take her time to realize that there was nothing else to chase.
She found it.