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It’s probably past midnight. Scylla thinks, half-heartedly as she glances out the window at the darkened starless sky. She hasn’t been keeping track of time.
Raelle came over to her room after her training. The real Raelle this time. She could tell the blonde was pretty worn out, so she dragged her onto her small bed and forced her to take a nap. She must have fallen asleep herself shortly after as well and she has no idea how long they have slept. They’ve just woken up about ten minutes ago, all tangled up in each other’s arms. It was cosy and warm and neither of them felt like moving. So they just decided to stay that way and keep cuddling for a little while longer, before Raelle has to go back.
She listens to Raelle talk about her training today and plays with her fingers absently. Her ears prick up when Raelle mentions the Bellweather wedding happening next week and she knows she should be saying something right now, getting herself invited as well. But she just feels too exhausted to bring herself to do it. Her throat is still burning, throbbing with every breath she takes. She grimaces a little and shifts uncomfortably in the bed, which catches Raelle’s attention.
“Scyl, are you okay?”
She looks up and meets Raelle’s worried gaze. She offers her a placid smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired from training I guess…”
Rolling off her tongue, the words taste like blood. She can’t tell if it’s because of the strangulation earlier or because it was just another stupid lie she had to tell.
She hears Raelle ask her if there’s anything she can do to make her feel better. And in that moment, it would be so easy to just make up some excuse and let Raelle heal her. The pain will be gone in a blink of an eye as if it had never happened. The unctuous lines are already there, jumping up and down impatiently on the tip of her tongue, tempting her in an almost derisive way. She presses her lips together and shakes her head. “No really, I’m fine. Can we just cuddle?” She says, snuggling up against Raelle’s side and closes her eyes.
Secretly, she doesn’t really want the pain to go away. She needs to feel it. She tells herself. It’s a reminder, of why she’s here, and why she’s doing all of this.
She has been living two entirely opposite existences lately. Two separate versions of her life. She has the ability to strut in between them effortlessly as if moving through a door. But she had been a little carried away. She admits. She’s stayed in Raelle’s world way longer than she should have. It’s just something that sort of happened. She doesn’t know why. And she doesn’t want to know why. It was dangerous and addictive. It made her forget about the Spree completely, until she almost got strangled to death by one of them this afternoon.
She thinks back to that moment, thinks back to the way her chest burned while her lung desperately tried to gasp for air. She can almost still feel the brutal pressure closing around her neck and she swallows hard. She felt powerless and she hates feeling like that. As she replays the moment in her head, she feels something else too, lurking in the back of her mind. She can’t describe it, but it’s something too close to dread for her liking.
She knits her brows together and shakes her head imperceptibly to get rid of all these overanalysing thoughts. She has no interest whatsoever in discovering something she does not want to know of herself today.
*
Scylla doesn’t get scared easily.
Back in the day, when she first met Porter, he took her to see a horror movie and she basically laughed her way through the whole thing while he got jump-scared twice. When they walked out of the movie theatre, Porter asked her to be his girlfriend. He sounded awkward and a little embarrassed. In response, she just laughed again, leaned in to place a kiss on his cheek and said yes.
She wasn’t particularly attracted to him. In fact, she found him dull and a bit annoying at times. She only agreed to be with him because she was bored. And because she enjoyed that sense of control, having him wrapped around her finger, knowing he would do literally anything just to humour her.
Porter told her that he loved her for the first time three weeks after. During his whole speech, she just stared him with an inexpressive frown, as if he just ruined a perfectly iced cake. She didn’t believe him, and she didn’t love him, so she said nothing back.
She has never believed herself fit to love any person, or to be loved by any person. That’s just not who she is. Love is for the weak. So is fear. And she is anything but weak.
She’s selfish, calculating, and vengeful. She uses people. Manipulates and exploits them, all to get what she wants. And she couldn’t care less about what happens to them afterwards. To her, they are just pawns, a means to an end. Irrelevances that can be discarded once she’s done with them.
She’s cruel and ruthless. And a small part of her takes pride in that. That’s how she always gets the job done. No attachment, no sympathy, no conscience. That’s why the Spree chose her in the first place.
They reached out to her after her parents were killed. She jumped on board immediately without a second thought. She knows the Spree are using her. She’s not stupid. But she decided to let it slide given they have one common enemy. So in some sense, she was also using them to get her own revenge. Besides, being with the Spree also gave her a small sense of purpose. There was always this nefarious thrill that ran down her spine after every successful mission, and it made her think she was finally doing something meaningful, that she was serving justice in her own way. Because the military certainly has nothing to do with justice, let alone other civilian systems. So as always, she has to take matters into her own hands.
She had always believed that. Sure, about her purpose. Everything she had done for the Spree, she was doing it for her parents, for all those innocent witches that lost their lives over nothing or those who were brutally murdered by the system.
However, lately her belief started to falter a little. And she’s not feeling so sure as she used to be. Her mind started to wander off to Raelle more often than it should. She finds herself wondering why the Spree are so interested in Raelle? What could they possibly want from her? And she worries, about what they would do to her once they have her.
She thinks about a lot of other things about Raelle too. About how much she looks forward to spending time with Raelle, and how much she likes her. She never knew it was possible to like someone this much.
She likes the terrible jokes that Raelle always blurts out. They make her laugh every time for some weird reason, even though she hasn’t had genuine laughs like this in years. She likes the playful glint that twinkles in Raelle’s eyes and the smug smirk on her lips every time she teases her. And she likes the fond and tender smile Raelle always beams at her, the dazzling and melting smile that only seems to be reserved for her.
She likes the butterflies that dance wildly in her stomach when Raelle calls her ‘beautiful’, the fluttering of her heart when she feels Raelle’s adoring gaze on her, and the warmth that flows through her body when Raelle pulls her into her arms and whispers soft words into her ear.
She likes the intimacy. And the vulnerability that comes with it too. She likes how Raelle always smiles into their kisses, how she just spontaneously picks up her hand and places a kiss on the back of it. She likes the gentle and confident way Raelle pins her against the wall and kisses her, the delicacy when she brushes her hair back and trails small kisses along her neck, and the vertiginous, light-headed feeling that comes over her every time Raelle touches her.
She always gets mad at herself after she catches her thoughts drift to Raelle unconsciously. It infuriates and frustrates her. Because she shouldn’t be thinking about her and having all these warm and fuzzy feelings inside. She shouldn’t be feeling anything. It makes no sense. To her, Raelle should just be a mission. After she delivers her to the Spree, she is supposed to forget about her and move on to the next mission. Like she always does.
But she finds herself feeling rather reluctant to do that. She started to stall her weekly reports to the Spree as much as she can. She started to have this twisted and conflicted feeling in her stomach every time she had to tell a lie. And sometimes, when she talks to Raelle, she couldn’t look at her. She feels like as if she is standing on the edge of a precipice, about to fall to her death. It gives her a queasy feeling and she can’t tell if it’s from excitement or dread or panic. And she’s just stuck in that perilous position, restless and waiting for Raelle to tell her what she should do. If Raelle tells her to jump, she would jump without any hesitation and even be glad that she’s dead. If Raelle asks her to stay and come with her, she would immediately leave everything behind and follow her, even if she has no idea where Raelle is going.
Is this what falling in love feels like?
She shudders involuntarily at this thought.
It’s terrifying. And she didn’t ask for anything of this. She didn’t ask for Raelle to barge in like this and just start rummaging through her heart and stirring everything up. Old scars, bitter memories, revolting secrets, distant feelings that she thought she had long buried and forgotten, they are suddenly creeping up on her all at once, weighing down on her chest and making her unable to breathe. All the emotions that she had snuffed off before, emotions like guilt, remorse, shame, compassion, affection and love, they all come rushing back to her ferociously, fighting over her attention. But they are all tangled up together that she can’t possibly tell them apart anymore. So she pushes them all down. Because she doesn’t know what else to do with them.
She starts thinking about what Raelle said to her in the garden after Beltane. No one had ever said anything like that to her. She replays that moment in her mind over and over, as though to test herself, to see if she remembers every detail. She does. She never wants to forget it. She remembers the crashing wave of dolorous exhilaration that swept over her body vividly. Rapturous yet excruciating, it almost brought her to tears. All her life, she’d never felt so close to someone, and yet at the same time, so far away. She rested her forehead against Raelle’s, feeling their breaths mingle perfectly and for a few seconds, she avoided meeting Raelle’s eye, wanting to let herself stay in that ephemeral bubble for just a little bit longer. She knew once she looked at Raelle, she would know those beautiful words wouldn’t hold. Those striking yet soft blue eyes would never look at her the same way as they used to, if Raelle found out who she was, who she is, and the things she did.
And when it comes to that day, what would she find in those eyes instead then? What would the fervent affection and intoxicating softness that she has grown so used to seeing be replaced with? She wonders. Betrayal, anger, disdain, hate, disgust? Probably all of them. She clenches her jaw and scoffs at herself. Or worse, she thinks, it could just be nothing. It could just be complete blank, as if Scylla Ramshorn has never meant anything to her at all.
She doesn’t think she can take it. It’s unbearable just thinking about it right now. But she knows it is inevitable. She has to stop deluding herself, thinking that she still has a choice. That there would be an alternative, where they can run away together, leave all this behind and start completely afresh. She knows it’s just some ludicrous fantasy. She’s trapped. There’s no clean way out. No painless escape. And she’s never had a chance. This whole thing was doomed to have a tragic ending before it even began. What they have, or had will soon be shattered mercilessly into a million pieces with no possible way to pick them back up again. And she knows it’s already long overdue.
It’s okay. She tells herself. She doesn’t deserve Raelle anyway. Raelle should be with someone full of light, someone who’s everything Scylla’s not. Because Raelle has such a good heart. She’s honest, brave, loyal, and full of love and compassion, even though she always tries to put up a tough façade of indifference and cynicism. And Scylla, on the other hand, reeks of deceit, corruption, malevolence, destruction, and death. She’s a terrible person. She knows. And she had never cared enough to do anything about it. Why would she bother? She never cared about what others thought of her. She had always been alone and she didn’t need anyone. Pretty soon, she’ll go back to her old life and in that life, she won’t be needing anyone anymore.
She’s beyond redemption, she knows, even if she tries. It’s already too late for her. There’s no way anyone could ever forgive the things she’s done. Once her cover is blown, there would be no place for her in the military, let alone at Raelle’s side. But she thinks Raelle will be fine without her. She still has her unit. She can tell Abigail and Tally care for Raelle very much. They will take good care of her.
As for her, there’s not much she can do right now, other than to seize as many stolen moments with Raelle as she can, while waiting for the day she implacably becomes the calamitous cause of Raelle’s heartbreak and pain.
*
“What are you thinking?”
Raelle’s voice breaks Scylla out of her thoughts.
“Nothing.” Scylla hums, her eyes flicking back up to meet those soft baby blues. She’s really glad that the room is dark now so Raelle can’t make out the tears that formed behind her eyes. “Just you.”
Raelle scrunches up her nose slightly, which Scylla thinks is the most adorable thing ever, and leans in for a kiss. She pulls back and gazes at Scylla intently, before lifting her hand and tucking a loose strand of hair behind Scylla’s ear. “You look tired. Should I go and let you get some rest?” She says, drawing away and starting to get up.
“No.” Scylla reaches out and stops Raelle from moving away. “Stay.”
“Are you sure? Cause the bed’s pretty small, I doubt you’ll sleep very well with me—”
“I like when you are here.” She cuts off Raelle’s cute rambling and looks at her with a small pout, ignoring the churning feeling in her stomach. “Please stay?”
“Okay. Of course.” Raelle smiles, leaning down again and captures her lips with her own in a long and slow kiss. Scylla’s heart swells as she feels Raelle’s lips curve up against hers just before they break apart. She can’t help but chase Raelle’s mouth and gives her one more peck, before lying back down and nuzzling into Raelle’s embrace.
She buries her face into the crook of Raelle’s neck and snuggles closer to her, as if fearing the blonde will suddenly disappear into the air if she lets go. She feels Raelle’s arms tighten around her, and she smiles when she feels a gentle kiss being pressed to the top of her head. She shuts her eyes.
She’ll worry about everything tomorrow. She thinks, as she slowly drifts off to sleep, the steady and comforting sound of Raelle’s breathing in her ears. She’ll deal with all the chaos and storms tomorrow. For now, she just wants to forget everything. No agenda, no subterfuge, no disguise. She just wants to exist in Raelle’s arms, while the rest of the world falls soundlessly away around them.