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“There’s a power in words. My mom taught me that, she said that no matter what, remember something you say to a person can alter their life forever. That’s the day I vowed to be kind to everyone I meet and that’s also the day I lost all of my power to be self-sacrificial. I know you think I’m selfish and honestly, yeah I am. As much pain you’re in, I hope this note shows you why I did it. I hope you can forgive me.”
Donghyuck felt useless and unforgivable as he sobbed pressing the smeared note on the desk. His eyes’ color and shine deteriorated with the last bit of happiness in his body. The boy he called his friend and his soulmate wasn’t who he thought he was, nowhere near. That boy was just a reminiscent and a reminder that the world is evil and that anyone can wear a mask to filter out their pain. And now, that boy and his sparkling brown eyes are just a mere shadow over the bright memories lingering in Donghyuck’s mind.
Just like any other day, Mark woke up, brushed his teeth, ate breakfast, and made his way to school. This repetitive and tiring routine made up the majority of his life. Over the past few years, Mark has been involved in tons of extracurriculars-all while keeping his grades up-He played soccer, basketball, and volleyball. He was on the debate team, played in an orchestra, and was student president. Any other average student would wither under this pressure, but Mark, he prospered. He prospered because these things, they played as distracting toys in a working reality, an escape for him to hide, hide from all of his worries and thoughts. Despite this, Mark wasn’t only an outstanding student, but an outstanding person. Just like his mother would’ve wanted him to he treated everyone with all the care in the world, especially his friends. He was their glue and their support system, and they wanted to be the same. They played games until the sun started to rise. Laughed until their stomachs started to burn and tears brimmed their eyes. They were only who they wanted to be with each other. Renjun only smiled with them, Jeno only sang with them, Chenle only opened up with them, and Jisung and Jaemin only bickered like family with them. Haechan’s eyes only glistened like that with them and Mark only felt full with them. To outsiders, they lived a seemingly happy and easygoing life, and that they did. It was their perfect fairytale, but no fairytale ends this fast, especially without a tragedy.
“There’s a power in words.” Mark’s mom said that stale phrase to him every day until his ears inherited the words. He listened to it all the time until he turned eleven on August 2nd, 2010. She spent all the time she could, tending to him and making sure he led a valuable life, one he could be proud of. All while trying to be the mother he could be proud of, but for her, the weight was too much. On August 1st, 2010, she ended her life, leaving a video behind that he never remembers.
“ And I hate to do this to you on your birthday. Happy birthday, by the way, it's not you, it's me. I love you, son, but sometimes life-” His memory only ever goes that far, protecting him from any more damage than needed. All he knows is that his mom left him behind with nothing but pure grit and will. He was a bright and carefree child, he always had that stupid grin on his face. Whether he was running on the playground or being beaten up in an empty classroom, he never stopped smiling. Mark doesn’t know how he got to where he is now, but he knows that as he stands at the bottom of the stairs leading up, he’s found his escape.
“Take me to the rooftop, I wanna see the world before I stop breathing, turning blue.”
The water cascades off the long, black locks and splashes onto the stained cheeks of a doe-eyed, young man. He always sits with his shadow and the words stuck to his skin. The only sounds heard on this rooftop were the shallow huffs released hurtfully from his tongue, the pitter-patter of the sky's tears, and the hum of his only tune. The clouds hid the moon almost perfectly, the whispers of the wind hushed his cries for help so mischievously. The scrapes on his hand burned as they pressed against the cold, rain-covered floor. His knees ached as indents of stone took shelter on the bruises. The cuts along his skin stung with anticipation from the wind.-“ If you need me, wanna see me, better hurry, I’m leaving soon .”- Thunder shielded the broken and paining screams he’s held in for years from the outside world. The boy choked on his sadness, suffocating as familiar words played in his head.-“So useless.” “This is ALL you can DO?!?!?” “disappointing” “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!?!?!”-Memories and feelings resurfaced on his skin, the stings of jealousy across his face, the taste of blood lathered on the leathery bumps of his tongue. It made his feeling of worthlessness rise from his stomach. The air bitter in his lungs like a poison, he did all he knew he could. He stood carelessly on the edge, admiring the view, he let one limb dangle before he let all.-“ Sorry can’t save me now, sorry there’s no way out...but down. ”- Mark’s fingers let loose, and he plummets to the surface, the first genuine smile plastered across his worn face. When he feels the cold pavement against his broken body, he painfully laughs. He looks around and chokes on the rose bubbles of blood that run down his pale cheeks. His hands were growing cold already and his tired eyes could almost picture Donghyuck, standing right there next to his dying body. He could almost feel him, but it was only a stranger, “ Call my friends and tell them that I love them, and I’ll miss them, but I’m not sorry. ” He could feel the end and finally said, “Tell Donghyuck I love him more than anything and that I mean.”
Soon after he gave his peace, Mark passed in the stranger’s arms, police and EMT sirens rang through the city, but we all know he was pronounced dead upon arrival, the fairytale tragedy has dawned.
At 3am a call woke Renjun, he was shocked to see it was Mark’s grandfather. His heart was heavy from the early morning, but with the words his ears captured, his heart made its’ way to his throat. His hand trapped his sobs, but through the phone, he was heard. Renjun hung up and pleaded to every god that it was fake, that he could have time back to just tell the friend that he called brother, that he was here, he was always there.
“Damn it, Mark, I loved you, I really did.”
Jisung was listening to his playlists as usual, when it cut off to his ringtone. His eyes shot open, thinking he was in trouble with his parents or Renjun, so to his surprise, it was Mark’s father. Jisung sat up and took a deep breath, mind racing through fifty possibilities. With an underlying fear of what he would hear, he picked up the call. Jisung had never fallen to his knees so hard, he didn’t believe it, he couldn’t. He sat there all night just staring at the ceiling wondering what he did wrong to lose his largest savior.
“Was it me? Did I not tell you I cared enough?”
As he did every night, Jaemin was star-gazing and taking photographs of the wonders the world offered. He smiled and his eyes glistened with the pure love for nature his heart possessed. He sighed as he laid onto his prussian-blue blanket, feeling relieved. The moment he closed his eyes, a ring covered the crickets and the winds. He sighed and put his phone on silent, not even checking the caller id. He laid down and curiosity began to fill his head.‘No one should even be awake right now…’ Jaemin decided to open his phone and he never thought he’d see Mr. Lee as the person who called. He called Mark’s grandfather back and just by the roughness in his voice, Jaemin could tell he lost something he’d never get back.
“I tried, I always did. You told me I was enough, I guess you were wrong.”
Jeno worked at a cafe in the city, he was counting up the tips he earned when he heard sirens fly by the door. “Huh? that’s odd, nothing ever happens around this time or this part of the city.” He finished doing the math and sat in his chair, waiting for customers, but to no avail. He leaned onto the counter and as he stared out the window he saw the ambulance rush past the cafe again. His eyebrows furrowed and creased his forehead. At this point, it was 2:55 am and there was only one customer in the store. Another fifteen minutes past, the customer left and his phone rang. Jeno dried his hands then grabbed his phone. The clock had just struck 3:12, it was Jaemin. Jeno smiled thinking, he’d get a ride home from work, but not even 5 seconds later his face melted. He felt empty.
“Don’t tell me- Shit! I could’ve said goodbye.”
Chenle was in his kitchen making late-night food, his phone in his room and his parents in bed. Chenle was always up longer then he should’ve been, doing whatever he pleased, sleeping until 1 pm and later. As Chenle let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, his phone began to make a loud ringing. He had never run so fast in his life. He jumped onto his bed, turning it off completely and going back to the sandwich he spent an hour making. It took him 30 minutes to finish and clean all the dishes dirtied. He was ready to go to bed before his computer began to signal someone was calling him again. Chenle rolled his eyes and rushed towards the room. He scoffed, questioning whoever called him before it hit, it was Mark’s father. Chenle’s throat ran dry and his jaw hung.
“He said he wouldn’t go, he promised me.”
Donghyuck had tears rolling down his cheeks, he couldn’t believe his ears, he couldn’t be gone. He sat next to Mark’s casket his mascara running, knees weak, his breathing fast. He leaned over to plant a kiss on the casket before it was lowered, but it slipped through his hands and he fell. With a sharp breath, Donghyuck woke up in sweats, tears covering his cheeks, and a lump in his throat. He went to check the time but forgot his mom had taken his phone. He pulled his clock towards him, seeing it was 2:45. He sighed opening the curtains before laying back down, the moonlight hitting his naked back as he disappeared into dreamland once again. While Donghyuck slept, his mother continued working as she always did. She was the assistant of a big company owner, so until late at night she typed emails and organized meetings. It was 3:01 when she was nearly finished, she brushed her hair out of her face and there went Donghyuck’s phone. She rolled her eyes before reaching over to silence the call, sending it straight to voicemail. Right after, Mrs. Lee quickly finalized the last of her work. When she stretched, Donghyuck’s phone rang again. She slumped down annoyed, looking to see who was bothering her peace at this time. The caller id said Renjun, so she calmed down and answered. “Honey, I don’t know what you want, but nothing could be this important, my son is sleeping.”-Renjun took a shaky breath in-“Mrs. Lee, Mark is dead.” Saying she was shocked and lost was an understatement when she hung up, she thought of how to tell her son. She decided to wait until the morning. The moment she placed the plate in front of him, she swallowed her guilt. “Honey?” “Yeah, ma.”-Donghyuck didn’t spare a glance-“Renjun called.”-He almost instantly looked up with questioning eyes-“Okay? Go on?”-He felt a chill go down his spine thinking about last night- “Don’t tell me that-” “Honey, it was Mark.”-His mom wore an apologetic look as she looked at her son’s teary eyes- “I’m sorry, I should’ve-” “Yeah you should’ve. I have to go.” Donghyuck ran out of the room and made his way towards Jaemin’s house. “Hyuck!! You can’t- nevermind, I’ve done enough.” Donghyuck ran and ran until he aspirated on his tears.
“You fucking dumbass, I told you to stay and I’d hold you.”
The boys promised that whenever things went wrong they’d meet up at their old treehouse, it was the place they kept every piece of themselves safe from the world. They have never known a pain greater than this, but they all knew that they needed each other at this moment. Even if they just cried and stared at each other, they’d feel ten times safer than they would alone. Donghyuck arrived at the treehouse and everyone’s head snapped his way. He flopped into their arms and let out the sob he’s been holding in. He cried until his nose was beet red and his eyes were bloodshot. Jaemin looked at him, his own eyes burning. “Hyuck, when we got here there were 7 notes.” Renjun’s voice cracked, “He said to r-read them in order.” “In order? Renjun, what do you mean?” “I mean, in the order, that he met us, Hyuck.” Donghyuck wiped his forehead and his tears. “So, that means me first. I-I don’t think I can do it.” Jaemin placed his sweaty hand onto Donghyuck’s loose shirt, sadness laced in his voice. “Hey, we’re right here with you, the whole way, okay?” “Yeah, okay.”
“There’s a power in words. My mom taught me that, she said that no matter what, remember something you say to a person can alter their life forever. That’s the day I vowed to be kind to everyone I meet and that’s also the day I lost all of my power to be self-sacrificial. I know you think I’m selfish and honestly, yeah I am. As much pain you’re in, I hope this note shows you why I did it. I hope you can forgive me.”
“I hate him so much right now, but I can’t, can I? I wasn’t there when he needed me most.”-Renjun pulled his arm around Donghyuck’s shoulder in comfort.-“It’s not your fault, it never will be either.”
Renjun picked up his note, hiccuping as he opened the envelope.
“All my life, I’ve worked ten times harder than everyone else, just to be on the same standard. Everything I did, I put my all into it and tried to make it great for anyone else involved. In the end, it never worked out. The one thing my mom ever said was true; there’s a power in words. The constant berating got to me. It always seemed like I was never enough.”
“It doesn’t make sense, why would he do this to us?” They all looked around at each other, no one brave enough to answer.
Jisung’s hands shook as he opened the note, that numb feeling he’s had for the past 6 hours, finally lifting.
“I felt hurt and less then what you always said I was. The good always outweighed the bad in my head. I can’t say this enough or at all anymore, but I love you guys more than anything god could give. I know that you were always there, but I couldn’t bring myself to confide in you guys. I felt like a burden, so I just smiled until it got the best of me. Like mother, like son I guess.”
Jisung ultimately let out the sob he couldn’t find since he got the call. “Mark, I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry.” Jeno took Jisung in his arms as Chenle opened the next note.
“I know that it’ll be hard to move on, but please promise me you won’t turn out to be a disappointment like I did. You each have something so special to give to the world. Stay strong and rely on each other, because that’s when you’re your strongest. You guys were the only part of my life, that I was proud of.”
Chenle just looked at Jeno and told him to open his.
“I want you guys to live on. There’s no use and there won’t ever be to waste your life missing me. You guys are almost at the end of your childhood, and please don’t waste time. Go and play on the beaches until 3am, as usual. Sing songs on the rooftop instead of eating lunch. Play board games and splash in the pool. Make this the best reality you can.”
“He doesn’t get it, it’s not-” Jaemin cuts Jeno off-“He never will either, and we all need to realize, that to some extent, this is on us too. We had every chance to ask him if he was alright, every chance to be there for him. We can’t just blame him, we were selfish the ENTIRE time, but he was only selfish in the end.” They could tell from the strain in his voice, he was hurt by everything they said. And, with that, Jaemin opened his note.
“We all know I had a love for music larger than anything. Music is one of many reasons I lasted as long as I did. I know you all remember how every Christmas I played my guitar by the tree. How every time we harmonized and swayed with the music at sleepovers. The only thing I can request is at my funeral, sing these pieces, they’re what you mean to me.”
Jaemin closed the note and looked around. “Time to see our worth.”
“Here’s my list.
Renjun: you always reminded of coffee on a rainy night; once upon a time- jeff bernat
Jaemin: you gave me the feeling of late-night drives while watching the sunset; lowkey- niki
Jisung: you were like a sunset on a beach, it made me feel warm; slide- calvin harris
Jeno: every moment with you I knew I was safe and I was sure; the few things- jp saxe
Chenle: you were younger but, I felt like you molded me; hey look ma, I made it- P!ATD
And finally Hyuck: you were all I knew growing up, the only person I had, and I trusted you with my entirety; every kind of way- h.e.r
Everyone had run out of tears, but they stayed and listened to each other’s hearts, slowly falling asleep in the old, broken treehouse.
The blinding white flowers contrasted the black clothing the boys wore and the shine of their gelled hair. The crowd was murmuring as they all got ready to speak, their fidgeting unstoppable. Renjun took initiative and started them off.
“So, Mark told us to sing certain songs for him, as they represented us, but, that didn’t feel right. They’re his words, not ours. So we put music into our speech. These will represent what he meant to us.”
“I remember the first day of 1st grade, everyone avoided me, but you came up, grabbed my hand and played with me for the rest of the day.”-Renjun had a bittersweet smile on his face as he relived the memory.-“I’d finally made a friend. And, as the class weirdo, it was the best day of my life, because you could’ve chose anybody, but you chose me. And, at that moment it smelled like roses to me. Not in a romantic way, but as home, like the flowers that sit on the table as you eat dinner. That’s what he is, well, was to me.” The tears bled into his shirt and Jaemin walked onto the stage.
“I’ve only been in his life for a couple of years, but I can’t deny this emptiness, this hole that I’m inside. He was someone I looked up to, someone I knew that I needed. It was 9th-grade year and I was obviously struggling with my work. He tapped me and with the softest eyes said ‘do you need help, I wrote all of these notes to help myself.’. I remember a tear slipped my eye from frustration and I smiled saying yes. I'm reaching out to you, can you hear my call. This hurt that I've been through, I'm missing you, missing you like crazy. I hope you’re happy.” He staggered off the steps, tears spilling out, with a frown fixing itself on his face. Chenle made his way to the podium, his eyes already watery.
“ I fell by the wayside like everyone else. I was the loud kid, but deep down, I was insecure and scared. I was sitting on the car hood, and you walked up to me. I gave you a glance and in your eyes, I saw something that let me know I could trust you, and I did.-Chenle had tears covering his face, a lonely grin pulling at his cheeks.- Our every moment, I start to replace, ‘cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to sa y. I realize now that I’ll never make more memories with you, but I’ll cherish the ones I have. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself. Here’s my goodbye, Mark. So, before you go, was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? ” He hugged Jisung the moment he felt his knees go weak. Jisung whispered into his ear-“Be strong, I need you.”
“These words don’t come easy for me, I don’t think they do for anyone, but Mark, you were a staple in life. When you left you took a piece of me with you. I don’t understand, how could you leave us so unexpected? We were waiting, we were waiting, for you but you just left us. We needed you, I needed you. Jisung’s voice and heart broke seeing all the sad faces in the crowd. I got this picture in my room and it kills me, but I don't need a picture of my brother, I need the real thing. I don’t get why we weren’t enough, why I wasn’t enough.” Jeno grabbed him and hushed him until his tears stopped. “I’m okay, go.” Jeno made his way to give the speech, he knew would hurt.
“He was my brother from another mother, I’d say. He was the only person I could count on, but I heard action speaks louder than words. I never knew or thought I would stand here and talk to you guys, but here I am because Mark, I would drive to heaven and build you a staircase or only grow young so I’d have more time to give."-Jeno shook his head, chest heavy.-"I’m sorry, I don’t think-." With that Jeno walked off and cried into Jaemin’s arms, feeling tired. Donghyuck walked up and prayed before saying the few words he had.
“I don’t have much to say, but I do have something. He was my moon and stars, he added all that was special to my life. Without him, I was just a night sky, dark and lonely. Right now I’m lost, i wish that i was good enough to make him proud. I promised him I wouldn’t waste my life on him, we all promised. Mark, if only i could wake you up, my love, my love, my love, my love. -Donghyuck got lost in his words like a broken record.- Please why won't you stay awhile? I have a whole lifetime so, hold me while you wait. I had tons to learn from you, tell me more, tell me something i don't know . I took time on our friendship because I thought we could come close to havin' it all. I don’t understand death or rather I don’t understand what it means for me. Does it mean forever, is it true? I’ll never get to laugh with you again, watch the sunset over the water with you again? At this moment, my faith is shaken, but i still believe, this is you, this is me, this is all we need, so won't you stay a while? -Everyone stared as tears swallowed his face-please stay, mark, at least hold me while we wait. ”
His knees felt weak but he walked off, the same weighted face he’s had for the past few days worn and like he was talking to Mark, he whispered-“You should’ve been there.”-a tear slipping his eye.
“Don't say I'm all that matters, Leave me, déjà vu”