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Josie Saltzman.
The gemini twin, the ex of a certain famous evil witch, Lizzie Saltzman’s sister and the headmaster’s daughter. But never Josie Saltzman.
It has exactly been two weeks since Penelope Park kissed her right in the middle of the hallway. It has been two weeks since she felt the sparks again, since she felt anything that made her also feel like she mattered. But all of her hopes came crushing down when Penelope had a banter with her sister again, the day after their kiss.
Not that Josie actually wanted to come across to her, she was actually avoiding her and doing a great job until she kissed her again when she was being controlled by magical slugs. She was being controlled, it wasn’t her own decision. At least that was what she wanted to believe in.
She has been dreaming of strange things since that day. Most of her dreams featured her ex. Some are innocent, some aren’t. Sometimes Penelope’s hands were wandering all around of her body, leaving no part untouched, at the end of which Josie usually woke up suddenly with Penelope’s name escaping her lips. But sometimes Penelope’s hands were gently stroking her hair, giving her small kisses here and there, and those kinds of dream never failed to make Josie cry afterwards. She was in a literal fight with her consciousness, a fight so intense that almost felt physical to her. She prayed so as not to see her in her dreams every night. She prayed so that insufferable pain would leave her chest every time they locked eyes. But she always failed.
But still, Penelope Park was not the only thing she dreamt about. She had very weird dreams, nightmares to be more accurate. Very dark ones. That darkness overwhelmed Josie so much that some nights she would wake up with all of her body sweating. Her pulse very fast as if she had been running kilometers. During those nights Josie wished she had company, but she always ended up going back to bed alone.
That was until now.
Josie has had one of her nightmares and now she’s leaving her room in the middle of the night once again, with all of her efforts on trying not to wake Lizzie up. She grabs a jacket and zips it up as she walks down the hallways of Salvatore School. Her hands are extremely cold, her face is as pale as a ghost, and her heart feels as if it’s going to rip off her chest. Her steps are lighter than a feather but her mind is too heavy with the flow of thoughts. She usually goes to the kitchen in the nights like this, she grabs a snack, goes back to her room and tries to fall back to sleep. But tonight her feet are taking her to somewhere else. Or to someone else.
The old mill doesn’t seem so far when she closes the door of the building. But the night has arrived and the sky is almost darker than her dreams. She starts to think it is a bad idea, but something deep inside of her pushes her to take one step, then another, and then one more. She finds herself standing in front of the mill even before she remembers she blinked. She looks at it. Not only does she look at it, she also reminisces. She remembers how special that mill was to her once. She remembers why it was special, and she remembers with whom her best memories were written in that mill. Her heart aches, she feels a punch right in the middle of her throat. She feels her eyes filling up with tears and her chest getting heavier. For a second, she considers leaving until she sees a familiar pair of eyes watching the sky. It doesn’t take too long for her brain to acknowledge whose eyes they are. Josie thinks she could recognize those eyes under any circumstances.
But she is too scared, tired and broken to try again. She is too weak to have hope. She is too confused to let her walls down again. So she wants to listen to her brain instead of her heart. Her feet want to take more steps, her arms want to wrap the witch and hold her tight, her eyes want to look at hers for the rest of her life, and her lips want to taste of her once again, but she knows it’s not good. She knows it’s not possible. Now she silently turns back to leave the place before she notices her. The school looks too far away now. Hasn’t it always been too easy to fall back into her arms but too hard to walk away?
She takes so much time thinking, that’s why she both curses and thanks to herself when she hears a way too familiar voice.
“Josie?” Penelope’s voice is soft, just like when they were dating. It is also raspy, Josie always loved that tone and she knew it always sounded like that when Penelope was sleepy.
She stops.
There is this warm feeling inside her ribs again. The feeling that Josie hates. The feeling that always leaves Josie with burns. But it’s too late now, too late to ignore her. So she turns back.
“Hey.” She simply says, refusing to look at her.
“What are you doing here this late?” Penelope asks, her voice filled with concern.
“It’s nothing.” Josie says, “…I’m going back to my room, it wasn’t a good idea coming here.”
Before Josie turns back again, Penelope shifts in her position. Now her one knee is touching to the ground and her whole body is turned to Josie.
“Hey look, you don’t have to leave. I promise I won’t say a word to you.” Penelope looks at her. Josie doesn’t look back but she knows that Penelope is staring right into her eyes. The sensation is too heavy to ignore.
Josie looks at her feet, she can’t believe she’s actually considering the offer. But then she remembers the pain. She always ends up remembering the pain.
“No, I really should-” Josie’s words are cut by Penelope.
“Please.” she simply says. A small smile tugged on her lips but Josie still doesn’t look.
She stands there, her glances slowly finding their way to Penelope’s eyes, where they belong. She hates how she can’t read her sometimes, like right now. She’s looking at Josie with lifted brows and shiny eyes. She’s looking at Josie like she’s her everything, but she still leaves her in every chance she gets. Josie knows Penelope has been wanting to talk since their kiss. Two kisses actually. Penelope has been waiting for her when the classes end, and has been popping up from every corner that Josie is taking a turn. But Josie always manages to find a way to avoid her.
Now they’re all alone. No distraction. No excuses. So she takes a few steps and sits on the wooden floor. One meter apart from Penelope Park. Her body feels the pull towards her but she resists to get any closer. When she looks up, she sees Penelope smiling at herself. She sees pure happiness in her eyes. She also realizes she has been smoking weeds.
They sit in silence for fifteen minutes, Josie examines the sky and Penelope keeps smoking her weeds. She realizes that she missed this, missed being near Penelope’s presence without arguing all the time. She missed seeing her so carefree. Almost like the old times, she thinks. But it’s not.
Penelope breaks her promise after fifteen minutes. “What made you come here tonight?” her voice is sincere and low, and Josie can’t believe how pretty she looks when the moonlight hits her face.
“I thought you promised not to talk.” Josie says, forcing back her smile.
“You know I’m not very good at controlling my actions when it comes to you.” Penelope offers a smile. Truce.
And Josie accepts the truce like it’s a second nature to her. Maybe it is. She smiles back. She understands Penelope. She has never been the one to control herself when it came to her as well. It was like they were each other’s weak points. Maybe that’s why she manages to hurt Josie so much.
“You always brag about how good you are on everything. Why can’t you just be good about that too?” Josie takes the first bite. She usually doesn’t like her banters with Penelope but this one is different. This one is like they used to do as a couple.
“We all have weaknesses.” Penelope says, her gazes are melting into Josie’s.
“Unfortunately we do.” Josie says back, her tone changing. She’s looking directly at Penelope while saying so. As if she wants to convey a message. As if she wants Penelope to know that she’s weak for her too. But she doesn’t know the fact that Penelope already knows that.
A minute passes, less peaceful than the other fifteen.
“Tell me Jojo, what happened?” Penelope sounds so soft and caring that Josie just might have a breakdown there.
She irks up to the nickname. Her eyes shine with tears but she pushes them back.
“Why do you even care?” She asks, her voice getting colder. Her walls getting up.
“Because I do care.” Penelope says and Josie sinks into those words, “Unlike you believe.”
“What if you made it impossible to believe?”
“I might have.” Penelope clears her throat. She’s hiding her pain.
“What are you doing here then?” Josie asks.
“I needed to clear my mind.” Penelope doesn’t look at her when she says this. Or simply can’t.
“Same.” Josie replies.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Jo. I know something is wrong, just tell me.” Penelope insists. She was never the one who pulled back from a challenge after all.
“I’ve been having nightmares, okay? Can we just drop this now?” Josie sounds pissed. She doesn’t want to let her in again. She doesn’t want her to know about something that nobody knows. She doesn’t want to make her feel special. She hates how everybody finds her so special.
“Oh…” Penelope silently says, her shoulders drop, her posture changes. It’s like her body is reacting to the amount of stressful and concerning thoughts going inside of her head right now. “What are they about?” she pushes again.
“Darkness.” Josie says, her throat suddenly feels dry with the memory of her dreams.
Penelope looks at her, silently apologizing for not being there to hold her to sleep. She’s apologizing for not being able to give Josie what she needs. Josie knows that, she just doesn’t want to accept. But Penelope knows better than to scare her off, so she tries to lighten the air.
“I’m sorry that my soul was bothering you.” she tries.
Josie finds herself letting out a chuckle. She shakes her head slightly, then turning it to Penelope. She feels lighter for a second.
“I’ll give it a five out of ten.” Josie jokes back.
“Come on, I tried my best.” Penelope argues.
“Your game is really lame if this is your best work.” Josie tries to keep a straight face.
“It can’t be that lame since you fell for it once.” and there’s this smug smile on Penelope’s lips. The one Josie both hates and loves. The one Josie fell in and out of love with.
“What can I say? We all make mistakes.” Josie jokes, still smiling. She realizes the depth of her words seconds later. When she looks at Penelope’s face, all she sees is sadness again. She knows too well that Penelope is trying everything to cover that up, because Penelope never enables. But she’s failing and Josie feels so bad for making her feel like this.
Penelope knows it was supposed to be a joke, but it hits too close to her heart. She finds herself breaking under the thought of how better Josie’s life had been if she never entered it in the first place. She always tried to do the best for her although she always found herself causing the most harm.
Hurting Josie hurt Penelope more than anything.
Penelope never stopped feeling like she was a mistake in Josie’s life since the day she broke up with her. Penelope never stopped blaming herself. But Penelope never stopped fighting for her too. At least in her own ways.
“Yeah.” Penelope weakly chuckles, she doesn’t want to ruin everything once again. Therefore, she does what she does the best, she pulls back her walls, obnoxious ego, smug smile, and her bitchy façade. She just doesn’t know any better. “The sky is very clear tonight,” she changes the subject.
Penelope leans back on her elbows, her head arched back, eyes following the stars. She looks mesmerizing. Josie knows how attractive she is. She also knows how attracted she feels. Her bronze skin shine even more, looking so smooth. The hazel of her eyes turns into a different shade, a shade that Josie is familiar with. A shade that Josie remembers from their nights spent here, or walking in the woods, or secretly swimming in the lake, or drinking on the rooftop. She remembers it all and she lets the beauty of Penelope sink into her heart. She lets herself see the girl she knew, the girl she fell in love with. And it almost feels real, right there in that night, laying under the millions of stars with Penelope. Complete silence. She fears it’s so silent that Penelope might hear her heartbeats. Because the more she looks at the girl, the faster her pulse gets.
Neither of them realizes that they’ve gotten closer. Now there are only inches between their shoulders. After staring at Penelope, Josie directs her stares to the stars. They look no prettier to her. Nothing ever looks prettier than Penelope Park.
“It’s so beautiful.” Josie lets her know.
“So are you.” a simple but effective sentence. It is effective enough to send chills down Josie’s spine.
She looks at Penelope, but this time she admires her. She admires her with her eyes. She thanks her for everything, for all the good times. She realizes that Penelope was more than her mistakes. Penelope was also the reason she smiled.
She acts like she doesn’t realize Penelope’s shift. Now the witch is closer to her, their shoulders are brushing each other. That small brush takes Josie’s mind to all the times she felt Penelope’s bare skin on top of hers. She closes her eyes. Swallows the memories. She doesn’t want them to stay in the past. She wants them all the time.
When she looks at Penelope’s arm, she sees her goosebumps. A warm smile finds its way to her lips with the thought of being able to affect Penelope.
Penelope takes another joint and places it in between her lips. The radiance of her lighter fills up the place for a second. She inhales deeply, filling her lungs with smoke. She keeps the smoke in long enough to feel it burn. Then she exhales, a pile of smoke escaping her pretty lips. She holds it out to Josie.
“Do you want one?” Penelope offers.
Normally, Josie would say no but now she can’t help but think about her lips touching the same place where Penelope’s touched moments ago. She shakes her head in agreement.
It’s not that Josie has never done it. She smoked with Penelope a lot. She miserably failed to look as hot as her in the beginning with all of her coughing and laughter but she got used to it. Without a doubt she places it to her lips and smokes. Her eyes dart to Penelope’s expression while doing so. She looks very impressed. Even turned on Josie might say.
Josie doesn’t know if it’s because she wants to kiss Penelope so much, but for a second she swears she’s leaning in. She feels the magnetic pull, one of a kind that stops the world from spinning. Penelope’s gazes drop to her lips, and then flicker between them and her eyes. Josie’s mouth goes dry, and she swallows hard. She feels all of the heat in her body raising up to her head. But then Penelope looks up again. And Josie’s hopes crush down. Again.
Penelope watches the stars for a while. She closes one of her eyes while spotting the constellations one by one with the tip of her finger. She lets Josie know whenever she finds a new one. She gets closer to her and tries to show them to Josie, but miserably fails. Their bodies touch every time they do so. Neither of them complains. Every now and then, Penelope draws shapes to Josie’s arm in order to explain what they look like. Both of them act like they don’t feel the sparks.
Josie feels happy. She forgets everything. She forgets all the fights, and cries, and sadness, and dreams. She forgets everything but happiness. She never wished for something to stay the same this bad. For a moment she thinks she says these out loud because Penelope surprises her.
“Do you remember the times we came here?” Penelope asks, voice so low, like if she spoke louder, it would break.
“How can I forget?” Josie asks. And she means it. She hates Penelope. Just because she loved her so much once.
“I was happy.” Penelope smiles, neither of them stops looking at the sky.
“Was?” Josie questions, “Aren’t you happy now?”
“It’s been a while since I was happy.” Penelope shrugs, as if it’s nothing. But her words fall heavy, “But right now, Jojo… I’m happy.”
“I am happy…” Josie starts, and she wants to end it there because that’s what she feels. She wants to let Penelope know that she makes her happy. But it scares the shit out of her, “…that you feel this way.” she says instead.
Penelope laughs silently, almost like mocking herself for expecting anything different.
“This is like the old times.” Penelope speaks again, agony dancing her voice. “You and I… watching the stars without fighting.” she adds then looks at Josie, her Josie. “Do you remember the book we used to keep? We would come here whenever the sky was like this, and just draw the constellations we found. We would name them dumb things.” Penelope laughs, this time more lightheartedly. “I still keep it.”
“Yeah.” Josie joins her laughter. “I still can’t believe you almost cried when I named one of them Sirius Black.” Josie starts to laugh harder.
“In my defense, we had just watched the movie again. My wound was open.” Penelope bumps on Josie’s shoulder with her own.
“At least I didn’t name it instant noodles.”
Penelope gasps and opens her mouth. She looks at Josie in a surprised manner. Faking she is hurt, she places one of her hands on her heart. “Stop attacking me, I was hungry.”
“And I made you noodles afterwards, didn’t I?” Josie chuckles, she doesn’t feel afraid to look at her in the eyes anymore. She realizes how much she missed looking at them this closely. “I’m not attacking you.”
But then they see a shooting star. It feels like the universe planned this night for them. Only for them. Josie does feel like they own the night. She feels happy that she has another night to remember with Penelope. Her heart suddenly aches with the thought of tomorrow. Everything going back to same. Maybe this is a closure, she thinks.
“Make a wish.” Penelope whispers.
And both of them close their eyes, releasing a silent prayer to the universe. When they open their eyes, they find each other so close.
They lock eyes too long. Too long to be platonic. The sides of Penelope’s lips curl into a smile. Her pupils grow as her hazel meets with Josie’s brown. And right there Josie feels like she’s nobody but Josie Saltzman. She’s never been more herself. She is no other person that she needs to play. She is pure Josie Saltzman, and that’s why she’s thankful to Penelope. For always making her feel like home.
Penelope’s smile fades away, her mouth slightly opens. Now Josie feels her eyes on her lips, but she can’t be sure because she is also looking at her lips. Penelope is so close to her that she almost feels her breath on her lips. She spots Penelope’s chest, going up and down fast. She loves how excited she still makes Penelope. It’s been a year but they still have the biggest impact on each other.
She feels Penelope’s hand crawl onto hers, brushing ever so lightly with her palm. She doesn’t dare to break the eye contact. She knows it’s wrong, but she doesn’t care. Josie wants to challenge Penelope until she gets what she wants. Penelope is looking at her with lust, and desire and everything she has been bottling up since last year. She looks at her with so many emotions that Josie finds herself struggling naming every single one of them. She’s not sure if she wants to. She just wants Penelope, in any way she can get.
“I missed you.” Penelope admits, filling up the little space between them with her confession.
Josie feels her heart skip a beat. Or two. Or maybe it has stopped working completely.
“Why did you come here tonight, Penelope?” Josie whispers, getting even closer.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” Penelope replies, her hand moving up from Josie’s. She touches her arm with the tip of her fingers. “And the universe brought you back to me, just like it always does.”
Josie takes a sharp breath, holding it in. Penelope is now closer to her, the don’t even have any space to close. Her warm breath is lingering on Josie’s lips. Being so close to Penelope right there, right now makes Josie feel like she can have anything. She can have her love, she can have her trust, she can have her patience. She can have Penelope. She can save all of her to herself and she wants it. She doesn’t want to fight it anymore, she feels too tired to do so.
So she grabs Penelope’s neck. She pulls her impossibly closer. Her lips crash with Penelope’s and they’re just like she remembered, soft and thick. Penelope kisses her with same desire, like she doesn’t want to waste any second. Her hands are all over Josie’s body. One minute they’re on her thighs, giving them a small squeeze every time Josie bites on her lips. The other minute they’re on her hips, holding them like she wants to say they’re all hers. Her hands are on her neck and on her cheeks. And they go to her back, softly caressing it. Lastly, they’re in Josie’s hair, pulling onto them as Josie closes the distance even more by sitting on Penelope’s lap.
Now with Josie on her lap, Penelope’s mind is spinning insanely fast. She melts into Josie’s lips and kisses back so hard that it’s as if she can never get enough off them. She kisses Josie’s jawline with everything she has. She has nothing else to lose. She, then, goes down to her neck, biting her slightly whenever she gets the chance. Penelope’s kisses are burning Josie’s skin and she can’t believe she can feel this much desire and lust at the same time. Penelope’s kisses go to Josie’s shoulders, spending extra more time on her weak spot. Josie lets out a whine right next to Penelope’s ear and she can’t help but come back to her lips, kissing her with all of the loss of a year. Penelope kisses her like she wants to make up for all the times she didn’t.
“My wish came true.” Penelope smugly smiles against Josie’s lips, to which Josie responses by scratching her back. Then Penelope winces in pain.
Josie wants Penelope. She wants all of her. She wants her to be hers. She wants her so much that it’s frightening to her. She wants her so much because she still loves her.
Because she loves her.
But that’s too big for Josie to handle after all that heartbreak.
So she hates herself for the thing she does next.
She suddenly gets up from Penelope’s lap and turns back. Just when she starts walking, she hears Penelope’s shaky voice calling for her.
“Are you gonna leave me again? Like this?” Penelope’s voice breaks, she doesn’t seem to care this time. Josie’s heart aches twice upon hearing the agony in it.
“It was a mistake.” Josie quietly says, she doesn’t believe a single word of it.
She, then, feels Penelope’s fingers wrapping her wrist so gently.
“You know it wasn’t, Josie. I’m so done with this.” she almost sounds like crying and Josie hates it. “I’m sick of you acting like this doesn’t mean anything. You can’t just kiss me and run away every single time, Josie.” now her voice is little bit louder, anger replaced with sadness.
“I’m not running away.” Josie turns back to her, her head directed to the ground. She can’t take looking at her right now.
“Then what are you doing?” Penelope almost whispers, “My heart can’t take this. I can’t be like this with you forever, Josie.”
Josie doesn’t answer.
A beat passes, both of them under the moonlight in the middle of the night. Both so close, but destined to be so far. They both just stare at each other, like they want for the other one to say something.
“I love you.” Penelope says, a tear escapes her eye as she says so. “I loved you all the times you thought I didn’t. I loved you even when you hated me.”
And Josie breaks.
She lets everything out she has been holding for a year with a sob.
But Penelope caused all of these. So she can’t blame her now.
“You made me hate you.” Josie says in between her sobs as she softly hits Penelope’s chest.
“I did everything I did for you.” Penelope’s voice is weak.
“You’re fucking selfish, Penelope. If you care, this is not how you show it.” now Josie is hitting faster, keeping up pace with the speed of her sobs.
“I know.” Penelope says. Simple but never enough. Josie needs to hear more.
“Then stop doing this to me! Let me move on if you are not brave enough to love me properly!” Josie yells at her with all the energy she has left, then she starts sobbing again.
Penelope pulls her closer, wraps her arms around Josie. She holds her tight, resting her head onto hers. She strokes Josie’s hair with one of her hands and she lowers to Josie’s ear.
“I know.” she says again, more silent. Softer. Almost like an apology. “But I love you too much to let go.”
And Josie comes to a halt, she holds her breath, calms herself down. With the very little courage she has left, she kisses Penelope one more time. This time it’s much softer. It’s more romantic. Penelope holds onto her waist and Josie wraps her arms around Penelope’s neck. It’s romantic, but it’s also somehow sad and Penelope can feel it. So she sinks into the kiss one more time, saving everything she feels. She promises to herself to never forget this moment. She promises herself to not forget the way Josie tastes.
They’re kissing for a closure.
And Josie pulls back.
“I love you too.” she says, her eyes as red as her blood, “…but love is not enough by itself.” she whispers. She lets Penelope wipe off her tears. She allows herself to enjoy her touch one more time.
Then Josie turns back one last time, starts walking towards the school. The sun has almost risen up. She doesn’t dare to look back. She doesn’t trust herself when it comes to her.
“You never told me what you wished for.” Penelope says, her shoulders dropped. It’s like she can barely stand up at that very moment. Tears still running down her cheeks.
“I will tell you.” Josie looks back at her on her shoulder, “If it happens.”
She goes back to her room, leaving Penelope there on her own. She lets herself fall on the bed as her cries get harder. Her wish is the only thing wandering in her mind when her eyes close for a sleep.