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If you asked Michael what his favorite place in the world was, he would tell you that his favorite place in the world was the library.
He loved the smell of books and the quiet atmosphere. He could sit for hours in his usual corner, which held a small couch and table, and just read book after book after book until it was closing time. The librarians had learned his name and always held big smiles for him when he entered the building. He had started to really love books after his sixth grade teacher introduced him to that one gateway book, the one that piqued his interest in reading and made him just want more. He couldn't really remember the title to this day, but he always thanked his teacher for the introduction.
Michael's room probably had over one hundred volumes on the bookshelves, by his bed, in the floor, stacked against the wall. He would get recommendations from his friends at school and his roommate always smiled knowingly when he returned at night with a bag from the bookstore or the library. His roommate knew that he would just be going back two or three days from now to return the books and get a fresh stack.
"Dude, I think you've probably read at least half of the library by now," Ray joked one night when Michael returned late. Ray was on his bed, books opened in front of him with papers full of mathematical scribblings.
"Nah, probably just a quarter," he laughed, grinning at Ray as he set the bag down on his bed.
That's how life was for Michael. He woke up, went to class, did his homework, and spent a large portion of his free time with his nose stuck in a book, his mind flipping through page after page of adventure, romance, and heartbreak.
However, one Friday evening Michael walked through the sliding doors to the library, waving and greeting the ladies behind the desk.
"Hey, Michael!" greeted Lenny, a middle-aged, blonde-haired woman with rosy cheeks and a cheerful smile. Alison, a shy seventeen year old girl who worked during the weekends, beamed at Michael as she checked books back in.
"Hey Mrs. Lenny," he said cheerfully. "Hey Ali."
"Now, none of this 'Mrs.' bullshit," Lenny scowled playfully. "It makes me feel old. I've told you to just call me Lenny."
"Oh come on Len," Ali said, "he's just being respectful."
"I mean what I said," she told Michael sternly, a smile threatening to form on her face.
"Yes ma'am," he teased as he wandered towards his normal section.
"Hey Michael, there's someone sitting on your couch," Alison called. "Just thought you should know so you're not surprised." Michael's eyebrows furrowed as he browsed the shelves, picking up two hefty novels, and wandering towards his couch. Sure enough, there was a lanky guy lounging on the sofa reading one of Michael's absolute favorite novels.
"I didn't think anyone liked that book," he voiced, causing the boy to jump slightly, his eyes widening as he took the sight of Michael in. His eyes were blue and he had a long nose. "I mean, it's about a guy who goes on a quest to fight for the girl he loves only to be rejected in the end, so he commits suicide. Not exactly the happy ending most people look for." He noticed that the boy was about halfway through the novel and his mouth made a wide 'O'. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, you haven't even finished it and I just ruined- I'm gonna go."
He turned on his heel and mentally beat himself up, but the boy spoke suddenly, "No, it's okay. I've read this several times so you're not telling me anything I don't already know." He's British. Michael turned around and felt his heart catch in his throat at his soft, shy smile. "I'm Gavin."
"Michael."
"It's nice to meet you Michael," Gavin said quietly, though cheerfully. "Did... did you want to sit down? I can move over." He scooted over to the left side and patted the seat next to him.
Michael nodded, sending a smile back at him, and sat down on the cushiony couch, setting his books down on the table. He noticed that Gavin also had a large stack waiting for when he finished the book he was currently reading. "I don't recall ever seeing you here before, and trust me, I come here a lot."
Gavin scratched the back of his head nervously. "I try to come whenever I can, but I've just had-" he stopped. "I've just not been able to."
"Finals are coming up soon, so I won't be able to come much either, sadly. So do you go to college here in town?" Michael asked politely.
"No, I'm taking a year off," Gavin responded. "Personal reasons." Michael nodded, understanding.
He and Gavin sat there for two hours, chatting quite easily with one another, finding out that they shared a lot of the same interests. They loved books, video games, and, the most important thing of all, Michael joked, food. Gavin wanted to hopefully get a job in film and Michael wanted to voice act someday, which went hand in hand. Conversation flowed easily between the two and at the end of the night, when Alison came by to let the boys know it was closing time, they exchanged phone numbers, promising to talk to each other as soon as they got home.
The books sat forgotten on the table.
And so it went, every Friday night Michael and Gavin would meet up at the library to discuss books, music, anything to keep the other talking for hours. Sometimes they would buy each other coffee afterward, leaving the library a little early and continue their talk in the comforting smell of the tasty brew. There the conversation would continue long after their drinks got cold but they wouldn't mind.
Soon, Michael would find himself eagerly awaiting a text from Gavin, or he would make an attempt to look nice for their usual Friday outing. "You going on a date?" Ray asked one Friday night as he played Halo. Michael rolled his eyes, though the butterflies in his stomach eagerly flipped from the word 'date.'
"Not a date, just meeting-"
"Gavin," Ray finished, pausing his game to throw a teasing grin Michael's way. "You talk about him all the time; I know you like him."
Michael sighed, pulling his beanie on his head. "Is it that obvious?"
"Michael, it's been over two months now; just ask the poor kid out already," Ray said exasperated. "You like him, and I think he likes you. The worst thing he can do is say no. For one night, get your nose out of a book and come back to reality, yeah?"
His palms shook and started to sweat from nerves. He knew Ray was right about his feelings for Gavin. He and Ray had known each other for years and it was rare that he could fool him about anything. "Okay, I guess you're right. I'll ask him tonight."
"Atta boy," Ray grinned. "Now go and get your prince charming or whatever the hell it is you read about."
He was still laughing even after Michael had thrown a pillow at his face as he left the dorm.
"Michael, is something wrong?" asked Gavin worriedly. "You've barely touched your coffee and your hands are trembling."
"I-" the words caught in his throat and he took a sip of his drink which had long grown cold. He forced the cold coffee down his throat, sending a tight smile Gavin's way. "I'm fine, Gav."
"Are you sure? Did I do something? Are you mad at me?" Gavin looked terrified and Michael's eyes widened, his hand grabbing one of Gavin's and squeezing tightly. It had grown colder since the two first met, but even when it was warmer Gavin still had worn long sleeves. He was wearing a soft gray flannel shirt that really complimented his eyes... which were currently staring at their intertwined hands.
Okay Michael, now's not the time to chicken out.
"No Gav, actually," he set down his coffee and turned his body to fave Gavin fully, taking in the blush creeping in on his cheeks. "I wanted to ask you something."
"O-okay, go on then," Gavin said, a grin forming on his face.
"Will you go out with me?" Michael blurted out after a moment. "I-I mean, if you like me that way, which I hope you do, and if you don't well that's okay, I just-"
Gavin silenced him with a soft kiss to his lips. Michael felt a smile slowly forming on his lips as he felt his face flush. "So is that a yes?"
"Of course that's a yes, you donut," Gavin answered fondly, pulling Michael in for a hug. They lingered there together for a few moments before breaking apart, though they still held each other's hands. Michael noticed faint scars all along Gavin's arms where one of the sleeves had been pushed up slightly. Gavin noticed and subtly pulled the sleeve back down; though Michael wanted to pry, to ask what had happened to him, he knew that he would tell him if he wanted to. So he left it alone.
When he got back to his dorm that night, he found Ray already under the covers seemingly asleep. He tried to tiptoe inside and get undressed as quietly as he could.
"So how did it go?" Ray asked sleepily from the middle of his bed.
"Fuck, Ray, I thought you were asleep."
"I know you did. For a moment there, I thought you were being that quiet because you were doing a walk of shame."
Michael scoffed. "Absolutely not; all I did was ask him out - which he said yes to, in case you were interested."
"Called it," Ray said before he yawned. "Anyway, I'll talk to you about this tomorrow; I'm tired and I've got that stupid early class to go to."
"So you're actually going, then?" Michael joked, crawling underneath his own covers and finding his usual comfortable position.
"Finals are next week; I have to go if I want to know what to study," Ray answered before succumbing to sleep.
Michael tried shutting up his ever-unquiet mind, but it was no use. He laid there for what seemed like hours, his mind going over the events that had transpired that evening. Gavin said yes to going out with him; he had even kissed him. He touched his lips with the tips of his fingers and thought back to how soft Gavin's lips felt on his own, how comforting they were.
His phone ding!ed from the table by his bed, and he groped around until he found it, unlocking it with a smile when he saw that it was from Gavin.
Gavin Free: I'm so glad you asked me to go out with you, Michael. I had wanted to for a while but, well, I was just too worried you would say no.
Michael Jones: I would never say no to you, Gavin.
Gavin Free: Goodnight, Michael. See you tomorrow. :)
Michael Jones: Goodnight, Gavin. Sweet dreams. <3
The two became inseparable after that night. Their first date was one neither would ever forget, mostly because Michael accidentally knocked his plate of food down the front of his shirt, causing Gavin to squawk with laughter while Michael attempted to conceal the heat that was radiating from his cheeks.
"Well," Michael laughed after the two left the restaurant and headed towards Michael's dorm so he could get a different shirt, "at least we got the 'make an ass out of yourself on the first date' part out of the way. There's no way that this night could get any worse."
Gavin just smiled at him happily from the passenger side, reaching a hand out to squeeze Michael's shoulder. "You looked cute covered in spaghetti sauce."
Michael glanced over at Gavin and gave him a soft smile in return, not having to say anything in response.
Of course, Ray gave Michael absolute shit when the two walked in and Michael muttered something about food and having to change shirts. "Only you can fuck up a first date," he playfully laughed after introducing himself to Gavin.
"Shut the hell up, Ray," Michael yelled from the bathroom.
"It's kind of my fault," Gavin said sheepishly. "I accidentally kicked him under the table and it caused him to dump his plate down his shirt."
"Oh so you soiled your shirt while you two were playing a game of footsie? That's really cute, man," he teased. Michael didn't respond, simply giving Ray his middle finger as he dragged a laughing Gavin from the room.
It was on their fifth date that they officially became boyfriend and boyfriend. They were laying in the park under the stars with a picnic basket set off to the side, the food already having been eaten. Their hands were entwined, Gavin idly playing with Michael's fingers and pointing out different stars.
"If a shooting star appeared right now, what would you wish for?" Michael asked, his eyes closed.
"Nothing, because I've already got you," Gavin said quietly. Michael opened his eyes and turned his head, finding his eyes drawn directly to Gavin's soft blue ones. A hint of a smile formed at the corners of the Brit's mouth.
"So," Michael finally said, "we're official then? Boyfriend and boyfriend?"
Gavin answered by pulling Michael close, his lips lingering slightly above his. If he moved even an inch the two would be kissing. "My boyfriend," Gavin breathed before closing the gap.
Michael saw his own stars that night.
They were nearing their year anniversary. Michael and Ray had planned on taking a weekend drive back to their hometown to visit their families; unfortunately, Gavin told Michael that he had to stay there with his own family. "Mom's having some problems," he explained quietly, tugging self-consciously on his sleeves.
"Is everything okay?" Michael asked as he packed, for they were leaving the following night.
"Yeah, I would just feel a lot better if I stayed home, that's all." The smile he sent Michael was tight, strained, but Michael said nothing, trusting that Gavin would tell him if something was wrong.
So he packed his bags, had a long, drawn-out goodbye with Gavin, complete with kisses and whispered "see you soon"s, much to Ray's playful annoyance. They promised to text each other while Michael was gone, promised to call each other at night to say goodnight. They never broke their promises.
So on the night before Michael was supposed to return from the trip, he punched in Gavin's number and eagerly waited for the Brit to pick up the phone. He sounded depressed the night before, explaining it away as his mom not getting any better, but Michael knew something was wrong, though he couldn't quite put his finger on it.
It rang and rang and rang... and Gavin didn't pick up.
"That's weird," he said, clicking 'End' on his phone. He quickly dialed Ray.
"It's midnight, Michael, what could possibly be so important that you had to wake me up from some of the best sleep I've gotten in a while?" answered a grumpy Ray.
"Gavin didn't pick up the phone," he mumbled worriedly. Gavin always answered the phone. "He hasn't answered the texts I've sent him earlier, either."
"Maybe he went to bed early; I mean, people do that you know," Ray said, though he sounded concerned as well. "I'm sure it's nothing; just get some sleep and we'll go back a little bit earlier tomorrow, okay?"
"Yeah, okay. Night, Ray."
As Michael hung up the phone, he frowned, wondering if something happened with Gavin's mom and he just couldn't tell him.
Safe to say, Michael barely slept at all that night.
When they arrived back in town the next afternoon, Michael couldn't quite shake the feeling that something wasn't right. He quickly returned his stuff to his dorm and drove over to Gavin's house. He walked up to the door and knocked, unable to make his heart quit pounding. His mom opened the door after a few moments, tears streaming down her face.
"Mrs. Free? What's wrong?" asked Michael. She put a hand to her mouth as she sobbed.
"You don't know," she stated through her tears. She wrapped her small frame around Michael and sobbed into his shoulder.
"Know? What don't I know?" asked Michael, panicking. "Mrs. Free, where's Gavin?"
"He killed himself last night," she whispered.
Michael's whole world came crashing down with those five words.
"Y-you're lying," he said, a sob attempting to force its way from his throat. His eyes stung, a lone tear escaping.
"I wish I was," she cried softly. She walked into the house for a moment, leaving Michael absolutely frozen on her step.
He collapsed to the ground, a wail escaping from him. "No, no, no, Gavin no, please, no." He wrapped his arms around his legs and rocked back and forth, feeling Mrs. Free sit down beside him and wrap her arms around him, the two crying for the boy they both loved and cared for with all of their heart and soul. He didn't know how long they sat there, crying their pain away only to be replaced with a numbing sensation. He heard the crinkling of paper and lifted his head, looking through swollen eyes at the folded up sheet in her hands.
"He left this for you, Michael," she explained quietly, handing him the paper. "I'm sorry."
He opened it with trembling hands and as his eyes skimmed the words, written in Gavin's messy handwriting, fresh tears began flowing freely from his eyes, opening up a whole new level of emotional pain.
Michael, the day we met each other in the library, I wanted to end my life. I had gone to the library that day to read my favorite book before I killed myself, but something happened I didn't expect. I met you. I met someone who liked the same things as me, who cared about me when I didn't even care about myself. I didn't want to leave your side when you were around me. You were my own personified happiness. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my depression, even though I knew you had seen my scars. I didn't think it mattered because when I was with you, I was happy. Free. I used to hate my existence as much as the main character of that story did when he realized he wouldn't be getting his happily ever after, despite the fact that I found a bright light in this darkness that always seemed to envelop me. Tell Ray I'll miss him, and Michael, please, stay as bright as you were for me. I'm sorry for everything. Love, Gavin