Chapter Text
Sunday, 14 April
Private chat between Zazzalil and Keeri.
[18:32] Zazzalil: KEERI HELP
[18:40] Zazzalil: KEERIIIIIIIII
[18:56] Keeri: ??? im in dance class what do you want
[18:57] Zazzalil: CAN I BORROW YOUR SON
[18:57] Keeri: uhhhh first of all i dont have a son?? im single??? also i hate kids?????
[18:57] Keeri: secondly, i wouldnt trust you with him if i did
[18:58] Zazzalil: dammit
[18:59] Zazzalil: do we know anyone with kids?
[19:02] Keeri: em and grant’s kid’s birthday party was literally yesterday
[19:02] Keeri: you were THERE
[19:03] Zazzalil: OK COOL THANKS FOR UR HELP KEERI LOVE U HAVE FUN IN DANCE CLASS
[19:03] Keeri: wait what do you need a whole ass child for????
[19:05] Keeri: ZAZZALIL
Private chat between Zazzalil and Emberly.
[19:04] Zazzalil: EMBERLY HELP
[19:25] Zazzalil: EMBERLY PLEASE REPLYSGDFKDFG
[21:07] Emberly: Sorry, I was busy having dinner with Grant
[21:08] Emberly: What happened? Are you okay?
[21:08] Zazzalil: can i borrow mikey next saturday?
[21:08] Zazzalil: please? I promise I’ll take care of him!!
[21:09] Emberly: What?? What do you need my son for???
[21:09] Zazzalil: oh you know!! i miss him, is all :-)!
[21:10] Emberly: Zazz, you asked to borrow my son
[21:10] Zazzalil: HNnGFN OKAY SO
[21:11] Emberly: Hold on, I’m gonna make a group chat with Keeri
[21:11] Emberly: I DEFINITELY do not want to deal with whatever you’ve gotten into alone
Emberly created a new group.
Emberly added Elizabeth and Carrie to the group.
Elizabeth changed their nickname to Zazzalil.
Carrie changed their nickname to Keeri.
Keeri set the group name to ‘why the hell does zazz need A Child’
[21:12] Emberly: Okay, keep going
[21:12] Zazzalil: I was at the park this evening with snarl cuz he was feeling really restless right
[21:12] Zazzalil: (keeri he loves the squeaky toy you got him btw!!!!)
[21:12] Zazzalil: and I was sitting down on this bench and this STUNNING woman sits down next to me and goes “so which one is yours?” and she nods in the direction of snarl, some other dogs and this huge group of kids running around the playground
[21:13] Zazzalil: so im like she’s clearly talking about my dog so i just said “the blonde one” and she laughs and goes “mine is blonde too” with this really soft smile
[21:13] Zazzalil: AND LIKE okay look in my defence there was just a lot happening where we were looking okay
[21:13] Zazzalil: so we start talking and she says “oh, my son is so cute, the other day he rolled around in mud and made a mess of himself”
[21:14] Zazzalil: and im like wow heart eyes this lady refers to her dog as her SON thats a good dog owner if ive ever seen one
Keeri changed Zazzalil’s nickname to gay mess.
[21:14] Emberly: Somehow I feel like this isn’t just gonna be about a meet cute
[21:14] gay mess: so i start talking about snarl and referring to him as my son too bc like?? he really IS my son if you think about it
[21:14] gay mess: so anyways we just keep chatting for a while and she’s super duper nice!!!
[21:15] gay mess: and then she goes, “we should arrange a playdate for our kids”
[21:15] gay mess: so my gay ass is like “oh yeah definitely!!! just give me your number and i’ll text you :-)”
[21:16] Keeri: oh hell yeah zazz that was smooth as hell
[21:16] Emberly: Actually yeah, I’m proud of you for that one
[21:17] gay mess: thank you but SHHH im telling a STORY
[21:17] Keeri: damn ur the one who asked for help dont be rude
[21:18] gay mess: so ANYWAYS i exchange numbers with this Gorgeous Amazing Stunning Beautiful woman
[21:18] Emberly: Gay
[21:18] gay mess: and then she says she has to leave bc “charlie gets really tired really quickly in the evening”
[21:18] gay mess: so im thinking “oh charlie must be a senior dog”
[21:18] gay mess: so she calls charlie over and GET THIS
[21:19] Emberly: ..What??? What happened????
[21:19] Keeri: LMAO wait i need to add the others they need to see this too
Keeri added Tiblyn, Sebastian, David and Samantha to ‘why the hell does zazz need A Child’.
[21:20] David: Hi, what’s happening?
[21:20] Keeri: long story short zazz met a Hot Lady With A Dog Named Charlie at the park today and we’re about to find out how she screwed up
[21:20] Keeri: also can yall change ur nicknames it’s so weird to see your actual names
Sebastian changed their nickname to SB.
David changed their nickname to Ducker.
Samantha changed their nickname to Schwoopsie.
[21:25] Keeri: ELIZABETH IF YOU DONT GET YOUR GAY ASS BACK IN THIS CHAT
[21:29] gay mess: SORRY i had to let snarl out
[21:29] gay mess: also dont call me elizabeth
[21:29] gay mess: also also why are there so many people suddenly
[21:29] Ducker: Keeri wanted you to be humiliated in front of all of us
[21:29] gay mess: (fuck you keeri) SO ANYWAYS!!!! IT TURNS OUT!!!!!!
[21:30] gay mess: charlie is an actual, living breathing HUMAN CHILD
[21:30] Emberly: ZAZZALIL
[21:30] Keeri: AHSDKFSFGKJDSFGKJDF NOOOO UR JOKING
[21:30] Schwoopsie: Now that’s a fuckin schwoopsie if i’ve ever seen one
[21:30] Tiblyn: I’m this >< close to tweeting about this
[21:30] Ducker: Zazz………………………
SB changed the group name to ‘zazz you fuckin dumbass’.
[21:31] gay mess: guys this lady was literally so nice and genuine i dont know how to tell her that i dont actually have a kid
[21:31] gay mess: JJSRF
[21:31] gay mess: WDFJG
[21:31] gay mess: gUYSH HSES JUTST TEHCETED MnFEE
[21:31] Emberly: Keeri, please translate. I don’t speak gay
[21:32] Keeri: she said the Hot Lady With A !!!!HUMAN CHILD!!!! Named Charlie texted her
[21:33] Schwoopsie: I just heard her squeal from my room lmao zazz you good?
Private chat between Elizabeth and Jemilla.
[21:31] Jemilla: Hello, Elizabeth! :)
[21:32] Elizabeth: omg hi!
[21:32] Elizabeth: um if you wouldn’t mind, i’d rather be referred to as zazzalil? I really dont like the name elizabeth
[21:32] Jemilla: Well I think Elizabeth is a wonderful name but if you prefer Zazzalil, of course!
[21:33] Jemilla: Zazzalil is a pretty unique name. It suits you <3
Elizabeth changed their nickname to zazlzasidkf.
zazlzasidkf changed their nickname to Zazzalil.
[21:35] Zazzalil: haha, well thank you!!
[21:35] Zazzalil: so anyways, the playdate?
Jemilla is typing…
‘zazz you fuckin dumbass’ group chat
[21:33] Keeri: lol i wonder if she’s having a gay breakdown in front of Hot Lady
[21:33] Schwoopsie: Im gonna peek thru her door wish me luck
[21:34] SB: STAY STRONG SOLDIER
[21:34] gay mess: GUYGFYGUFGYUDSGU I ASKED HER TO CALL ME ZAZZALIL AND SHE SAID THE NAME WAS UNIQUE AND IT SUITED ME AND SHE SENT A “<3” DNDHGKDFJGKRGJ
[21:34] Tiblyn: Yeah okay I’m livetweeting this
[21:35] Ducker: How we feeling, Zazz?
[21:35] Schwoopsie: So Hot Lady’s name is Jemilla, im hanging out in Zazzalil’s room now and will be texting updates while she’s busy being gay
[21:37] Schwoopsie: Jemilla just texted her again so uhhh pray i dont get hit by Zazzalil’s flailing arms lmao
[21:37] SB: lol dont die
[21:38] Emberly: Okay but like Zazz needs to tell Jemilla that she doesn’t have a son son, right?
[21:38] Keeri: no duh, embs
Private chat between Zazzalil and Jemilla
[21:37] Jemilla: So for the playdate, I was wondering if next Saturday would be okay with you? I’ll be busy tomorrow and I have work on the weekdays. If you can’t do Saturday, Sunday would be good too! Charlie’s very excited to have a new friend :)
[21:38] Jemilla: Oh, and I’m so sorry I didn’t stay for a little while longer to meet your son! I would have, but Charlie gets very cranky if he doesn’t get home before sunset.
[21:38] Zazzalil: omg no that’s okay!! i completely understand
[21:39] Zazzalil: frankly, i get testy when i’m not home before sunset too haha
[21:39] Zazzalil: and yeah, next saturday is good!! are we doing this at the park again or..?
[21:41] Jemilla: Actually, I was hoping you could come over instead? I could make lunch for us, and I think it’d be safer if our kids play in the backyard, anyways.
[21:41] Jemilla: But only if it’s okay with you!
[21:42] Zazzalil: yeah, that sounds good, dont worry!!
[21:43] Jemilla: Wonderful! I’ll text you the address on the day before! :)
[21:44] Zazzalil: cool beans!
[21:44] Zazzalil: so how is charlie doing?
‘zazz you fuckin dumbass’ group chat
[21:39] Tiblyn: My followers are all making fun of Zazzalil (but in like a good way)
[21:39] Ducker: Hey guys look at this pancake I just made
[21:39] Ducker: Attached 1 picture.
[21:40] SB: bro that totally looks like a fuckin dinosaur that’s baller
[21:40] Emberly: That looks really well made, Ducky!
[21:40] Keeri: schwoops please tell us zazzalil’s being a gay mess rn
[21:40] Schwoopsie: Well Actually she’s being really cool about it????
[21:41] Schwoopsie: Through text, anyways. Shes like a huge mess irl tho lol look
[21:41] Schwoopsie: Attached 1 picture.
[21:41] Keeri: find urself someone who looks at you the way zazz looks at her phone while she texts jemilla
[21:41] Tiblyn: She’s being so cute?? Hello???
[21:41] Tiblyn: ZAZZ may I have permission to post this picture on the thread I’m doing on you
[21:41] gay mess: NO!!!!!!!
[21:42] Tiblyn: Damn okay
[21:42] Schwoopsie: Guys shes avoiding the topic of her “son” so well im honestly kinda impressed???
[21:42] Emberly: Wait but we want her to tell the truth though
[21:43] Keeri: zazz dont do anything stupid
[21:44] Schwoopsie: ZAZZALIL JUST TYPED COOL BEANS IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND
[21:44] SB: zazz you just lost all your street cred
[21:44] Schwoopsie: She had to put her phone down look at this dumbass
[21:45] Schwoopsie: Attached 3 pictures.
[21:45] Keeri: god she really is a gay mess huh
[21:45] Tiblyn: Okay Im DEFINITELY posting one of those on the twitter thread sorry elizabeth <3333333
[21:46] Ducker: I’d make fun of her if I weren’t so scared of her setting my head on fire again
[21:46] gay mess: it was ONE TIME!!!!!!! and that was mostly your fault anyways >:-(
[21:46] Ducker: That doesn’t erase the TRAUMA, ZAZZALIL
[21:47] Emberly: Zazzalil’s the CEO of Be Gay Do Crimes™
[21:47] Keeri: we had to stan
[21:48] Schwoopsie: Elizabeth kicked me out of her room bc I wouldnt stop taking pictures of her </3
[21:48] SB: she just doesn’t want you to see her being a gay mess lol
[21:48] Keeri: im so close to coming over and breaking into her room just to watch her text this girl
[21:49] Tiblyn: Can I come with you???
[21:49] Emberly: I’d join you two but I’m having a movie night with Grant <333
[21:50] Ducker: Oh shut up we know you two are happy
[21:50] Emberly: I love my hubby
[21:51] gay mess: EW DONT USE THE WORD HUBBY
[21:51] gay mess: also Please Refrain from doing crimes i have a spear and i am Not afraid to Use It
[21:51] SB: okay you got ur street cred back just for having a spear
[21:52] Tiblyn: Who gave the reckless child a spear
[21:52] Keeri: …………………...not me
[21:52] Emberly: KEERI
[21:53] Keeri: look it was either that or a nerf gun and idk about you but i dont wanna deal with zazzalil with a nerf gun
[21:53] Schwoopsie: Where did you even get one??
[21:54] Keeri: craigslist is a wonderful place
[21:54] Emberly: Okay now I’m just scared for Zazz that spear cant be safe to hold
[21:54] SB: she got her tetanus shot right
[21:55] Ducker: Guys my dino pancake is gone :(
Private chat between Zazzalil and Jemilla
[21:45] Jemilla: Charlie is doing okay, I just put him to bed, actually :)
[21:45] Jemilla: He got all tuckered out after I let him watch his favourite TV show.
[21:46] Zazzalil: aww that’s so cute
[21:46] Zazzalil: what’s his favourite show?
[21:47] Zazzalil: noo wait lemme guess
[21:47] Zazzalil: pingu?
[21:48] Jemilla: Yeah, actually! Haha, are you stalking us??
[21:49] Zazzalil: kddjskfhjksdf
[21:50] Zazzalil: sorry, dropped my phone
[21:50] Zazzalil: and haha, ofc not!! i just loved pingu as a kid so my default show that every kid should love is pingu
[21:51] Jemilla: Very fair! I loved it as a kid, too. I still do actually! :)
[21:52] Jemilla: Well I have to go get ready for bed now. Early start tomorrow!
[21:52] Zazzalil: oh, do you have work tomorrow?
[21:53] Jemilla: Yes, and I have to make breakfast and send Charlie to his preschool, too. You probably have to go through the same routine, huh?
[21:54] Zazzalil: oh i used to be able to stay up really late, but the years are really getting to me haha
[21:55] Jemilla: Yeah, getting old sucks, doesn’t it?
[21:55] Zazzalil: tell me about it!! everytime i wanna do something teenage me would do, i have to remind myself that im a grown woman with Responsibilities now
[22:03] Jemilla: I get that sometimes, haha.
[22:03] Jemilla: Well, I’m off to bed! I’ll text you again soon.
[22:03] Zazzalil: for sure!! sweet dreams! :-)
[22:04] Jemilla: You put noses in your emoticons?
[22:04] Zazzalil: emoticons have feelings too, jemilla!!
[22:05] Jemilla: Haha, that’s cute <3
[22:05] Jemilla: Goodnight, Zazzalil :^)
[22:06] Zazzalil: goodnight!
‘zazz you fuckin dumbass’ group chat
[22:00] Tiblyn: Hey Zazz? I’m gonna need an update soon, buddy
[22:00] Tiblyn: My followers are following this story really closely
[22:01] Keeri: hey is anyone watching the masterchef semi-finals rn? It’s WILD
[22:02] Emberly: Oh leave her alone, Tibs! She’s busy being gay!
[22:03] Emberly: @Keeri Me and Grant are watching it right now! Steve is being SO rude to Gia
[22:05] Keeri: RIGHT????
[22:05] Schwoopsie: @Tiblyn If it helps, i just heard her fall off her bed
[22:05] Keeri: KHFKSD SHE DIDNT
[22:06] Schwoopsie: Well i mean all i heard was a loud thud but what else could it have been??
[22:07] Emberly: Aww I bet Jemilla texted her something cute!
[22:07] Keeri: @gay mess UPDATES PLEASE
[22:08] gay mess: UGSYDG SHE CLAED ME CU TJE BC IP UT NHGOSED I N YM EMOTINC ONSS HDFGKJKGJ
[22:08] Keeri: cant translate that soz
[22:08] Tiblyn: Just send us a screenshot damn
[22:09] gay mess: Attached 2 pictures.
[22:10] Emberly: Aww!!!! Omg Zazz!!!!
[22:10] Keeri: she PUNCTUATES HER TEXTS???? what a nerd
[22:10] SB: “sorry i dropped my phone” LMAO OK ZAZZ
[22:10] Schwoopsie: Big Cool Beans™ energy
[22:10] Ducker: She’s definitely into you
[22:11] gay mess: what?? no way!!
[22:11] Keeri: of all the things you choose to reply to ofc it was that one
[22:12] gay mess: what makes you think that??
[22:13] Tiblyn: Zazzalil she was OBVIOUSLY being flirty in her texts
[22:13] Emberly: I may be as straight as you are gay but even I can tell when a girl is being flirty!
[22:14] Ducker: And shes not exactly being subtle either
[22:14] Schwoopsie: That heart??? GAY
[22:15] gay mess: i send hearts to everyone though!!
[22:15] Keeri: zazz i’ve been friends with you my whole life i have NEVER seen you send a heart emoticon to anyone????
[22:15] gay mess: well whatever!!! she’s not me anyways, she probably just likes being affectionate with people she knows
[22:15] gay mess: and besides!!! tiblyn sends hearts to us all the time
[22:16] SB: riiiiiight, if thats what floats your boat ig
[22:16] gay mess: im gonna go to bed now smh
[22:17] Keeri: you always go to bed at like midnight dont lie to us lmao
[22:19] gay mess: TIBLYN you better not have posted anything embarrassing about me!!!!
[22:22] Tiblyn: Woops <3
[22:22] gay mess: ur LUCKY you live all the way in la or id have murdered u by now
[22:24] Tiblyn: Love you <3333333
Private chat between Zazzalil and Emberly
[22:24] Emberly: Wait Zazz did you tell her that you don’t actually have a kid??
[22:39] Emberly: Zazzalil?????
[22:57] Emberly: There’d better be a confirmation text when I wake up tomorrow or I’ll sic Tiger on you smh