Chapter Text
PLAYLIST: U + ME
He was waiting for the stop sign to turn to a go sign when he saw him. He saw his ex-friend walking on the street, with his blonde hair being thrown back by the wind hitting his face. Even swore he could still see his green eyes from his seat. His hands clutched the steering wheel like he couldn’t let go because...how was it that he was walking around looking like he wasn’t the boy who broke Even’s heart back in high school?
How dare he still be beautiful? When did he turn into a beautiful man?
Isak Valtersen. His high school friend, crush, the one Even thought was the love of his life but turned out he was just a teenager who believed in true love.
What he felt for Isak was something like love or so he believes. Being rejected by Isak was the worst and sometimes he thinks how could it be now if Isak had said yes. Yes to them, yes to being in a relationship, of being more than friends.
Before he can think further he’s honking, startling himself and the guy that turns to see what the commotion is about. He’s not sure if Isak keeps crossing the street because he saw Even or because he didn’t. He doesn’t know what’s more unsettling.
Even
Hey, is Isak back?
Eva
Yeah...
You okay?
Even
Why wouldn't I be?
I don't think he saw me…
Or he pretended not to see me
Eva
Ev…
Even
I know
Talk to you later :)
Even locks his phone and he is in dire need of a strong coffee this fine morning. If he has to handle this, he will need all the coffee he can get through the day.
As he walks into the radio station, someone calls his name and he turns to see Sonja, his long time friend who ended up being his producer. “Ev!” she says again while Even greets her and enters the studio.
The afternoon is a great time to play music his listeners and him like. He usually talks about new music, interviews new bands. But recently, Sonja had the idea to include a section where Even makes his own playlists since the audience loves the ones he posted on his social media. He gets requests to play some songs but the public likes his recommendations the better. So now, on Fridays he gets to play the songs that vibe with him that day.
Since he saw Isak this morning, he’s feeling nostalgic about his high school years so he made a playlist that resonates with him.
For a second he thinks about the present he made for Isak once before everything went to the drain. He likes to hurt his poor heart.
Whatever, he is over it. No need to dwell over Isak right now, he thinks as Sonja talks to him about today’s activities. He listens closely until she starts waving a hand in front of his face.
“Did you listen anything that I said?” Sonja says exasperatedly.
“Sorry,” he apologizes. Sonja just looks at him and sighs.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” she asks sweetly.
“I saw Isak while I was coming here,” he says as he writes questions for the band on his computer. He avoids her face but imagines Sonja is frowning.
“Isak? What? He’s back? I thought he was in England?”
He shakes his head because he doesn’t know. “It’s been what? Years since we saw him” she says more to herself than to Even. He doesn’t know what to add to that so he keeps silently looking up for information about the upcoming band but that can’t distract him from wondering why Isak is back in Norway. Is he on holidays? Is he back forever?
“Either way, we have a show to make so let’s get to it,” she says with finality. He looks up and finds her raising one eyebrow. He nods and sighs.
Eva
Hey, Ev!
Even
Hi!
Eva
So...someone just texted me
Even
Who?
That girl you were obsessing over?
Olivia?
Eva
No :(
I still haven’t talked to her :(
But that’s not the point
Jonas texted me...
Even
And?
Eva
They are throwing a party for Isak
like a welcome home thing
and they wants us to come
Even
No
Eva
Ev…
Even
I’m sure he doesn’t want me there
Eva
You don’t know that!
Please, just go with me
I haven’t seen Jonas in a while
Kinda miss him :(
And I miss YOU! ♥
My beautiful friend/radio host ♥♥♥
Even
I’ll see what i can do, okay?
No promises
Miss you too
He wasn’t going to come. That's what he told Eva but then his friend gave those puppy eyes and cute pout he couldn’t say no. Also, he wasn’t going to just see Isak, he was going because his friend asked him. Even was doing it just for Eva and no one else.
So, that’s why he walks towards him. Simply because they haven’t seen each other in a few years, not because he feels a pull in his direction. Not because something feels right when he sees the blonde sitting on that couch.
“Hey,” he says as he sits down on the couch. Their legs are too close and Even is trying to breathe evenly. He tells himself to be strong but his eyes try to avoid Isak’s face.
“Hi,” he hears Isak greets him nonchalantly. He doesn’t hear any emotion behind those words and that maybe, just maybe, gives him a pang in his chest.
“I saw you a few days ago,” he blurts out after a minute of silence where both took a sip of their respective beers. His eyes go from the people around them to Isak’s eyes. He gulps as those green eyes that look back at him. He hasn’t seen them in so long that he missed them. He wonders what else he missed in Isak’s life.
“Oh?” Isak frowns. He wore that same expression every time Even explained something Isak didn’t know. Like telling him about Nas. Even wants to smile at the thought but he holds back.
“Yeah, you were walking and I was driving...I honked,” he confesses with a polite smile and a racing heart. Why is he feeling this way?
Isak keeps frowning but Even knows he’s not mad or angry, he imagines he’s as grumpy as always. He nods at the younger blonde. His hair is a bit longer and a few curls fall on his forehead. Something twitches inside of him at the sight and the thought of running his fingers through his hair hurt Even. “I didn’t see you,” Isak says, staring right into his blue eyes. “I probably should wear glasses soon,” he smiles back. It’s a cute smile, not like the ones he used to witness back when they were friends. Best of friends. It’s just a polite smile but not uncomfortable. And that mole close to his upper lip is making Even have weird daydreams.
Those weird daydreams that have Even blurting out some things that he regrets instantly.
“Do you remember when we went to that playground and when I swung you too hard you fell to the floor?” he remembers with a smile. “And that time we did graffiti at the back of the school?” he chuckles. “Good times” he doesn’t know why he is babbling. Or...maybe he does and he doesn't want to be in silence with someone that knew too much about him, someone who knew every part of Even’s life and some day decided to leave him. He swallows hard.
He hears Isak humming as he thumbs the rim of his beer bottle. Something definitely changing by the way his lips curl up but not into a smile. He’s not even looking at Even anymore and then he senses something is wrong. He shifts in his seat, uncomfortable. “Isak, are you okay? I’m-”
“I remember everything, Even.” Isak says with a humourless laugh. He stares right into Even’s eyes as he sits down again next to him on the couch. The party is still going on, their friends talking loudly and dancing near them. Even feels his whole chest tight as he listens to Isak, his ex friend, his ex crush, the one that got away. His mind is in jumbles because he can’t stop thinking about Isak’s green eyes, his beautiful eyelashes. He curses in his mind as he gets blinded by Isak’s beauty once more. He has to stop. “You think...it was easy for me? High school? Do you think it was easy having a homophobic family? Do you think it was easy feeling what I was feeling?” Isak says, shaking his head and out of breath, while looking down at the beer he is holding with both hands. Isak looks sad or angry, he can’t pinpoint which. Maybe both.
Even’s breath catches in his throat as he tries to form a coherent answer but his thoughts and words are cut off when a song starts playing. He stills and he can feel how Isak finds his eyes. He knows the song too. Isak stays put in his place and Even’s throat feels sore even if he hasn’t said a word yet. He shuts his eyes as he listens to Real by Years & Years play, the sound of people still laughing around them clouding his mind and those memories of him doing a playlist for Isak come rushing down on him like a bucket of ice cold water.
What have I been doing wrong
Tell me what it is you want
Don't know what it is you want
Don't know what it is you want
He feels suffocated, being with someone he once thought was his one and only, being close to Isak brings back memories he thought he had let go. Being close to Isak knowing what he went through without Even’s help. He would have helped him. Maybe if he hadn’t been so blind he would have realized sooner and they wouldn’t be like this.
When he opens his eyes, he doesn’t find Isak next to him. He lets out a deep breath trying not to panic. He’s not angry at him, he’s just used to Isak running away. He’s used to fucking things up between them. Even after all these years, Even keeps hurting Isak. And he feels so sorry. From the corner of his eye, he sees Eva walking towards him. She looks a bit tipsy as she plops down on the couch, right where Isak was minutes ago, and she looks at him with concern in her eyes. She takes a sip of his fruity drink and doesn’t say a word. Even knows she is waiting patiently because she knows he’s gonna break and talk about it. When he doesn’t say anything and proceeds to take a swig at his own beer, Eva cracks.
“What happened?” she asks whilst moving a bit closer to him.
He sighs. “I think he hates me,” he answers.
“That’s impossible,” she sighs too. She turns back to him after a few seconds of watching Noora speaking to some brunette girl. “Go talk to him, he might be shocked to see you, just like you are.” She smiles kindly. That smile that she gave Even many times before when he cried in her arms.
The song changes to something more upbeat and he stands up, setting his beer down on the little table in front of him. He looks down at Eva who shoots him a thumbs up with an encouraging smile. Even rolls his eyes and leaves her behind, in search of Isak. He grabs his coat and he walks out of Jonas’s apartment, walking down the stairs two at a time. He becomes agitated but he doesn’t care, he just keeps walking and walking until he’s out the door of the building. He can catch a figure a block away and he instantly knows it’s him, by his way of walking, by his long strides, by the way he is hugging himself against the cold.
Even suddenly feels the cold hitting his body even if he has his favorite coat on him. Walking faster, he calls Isak’s name and he stops, turning around to see Even. He waves at the younger and Isak seems to hug himself tighter as Even gets closer and closer.
“I’m sorry,” he tells Isak. It’s not the first time he apologizes to him but it’s the first time after a long, long time. He feels like his teenage self apologizing to Isak after Isak rejected him. After Even made him a whole playlist to confess to be turned down. He doesn’t blame Isak, he’s just sad. Sad for his younger self. He sighs and Isak stares at him, like he is waiting for something else. “I’m sorry. I’m glad you’re back. I just want to know how you are...I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” he says sincerely.
“I needed air, sorry for running out.” Isak says so softly Even barely catches it. “I’m sorry for lashing out, you didn’t know,” he says louder this time.
“I wish I had known...I’m sorry,” he tells him. He wishes he had been a better friend. “Do you want to go back inside? It’s freezing,” he tells him with a tentative smile and Isak nods once.
They start walking their way back to the party, both fighting the cold that is harsh against their skin. Both with many unsaid thoughts and a few spoken words as they get closer and closer to Jonas’s place.
Even doesn’t know what to say to make Isak more comfortable. Small talk was and is easy for him but for some reason, it’s really difficult with Isak. It’s difficult to pretend that what happened between them is in the past. Even is trying to figure it out because he thought he was past this. He thought he was over Isak. He should be over him.
“I listened to your show today.” He hears Isak say as they near the building. Suddenly the words that Even was trying to voice are cut off by those words. He glances back at Isak, who’s looking ahead of him while he keeps talking. “Jonas told me you were hosting a show…” he glances back at Even who now holds his breath. Many thoughts run through his mind as he hears Isak speak. “I liked your recommendations.” He smiles at the older. It’s a small smile but it’s there on Isak’s beautiful face.
“You listen to my show?” He shouldn’t feel this giddy while thinking about Isak listening to him on the radio, right?
“I listened to your show today, Even.” Isak repeats rolling his eyes. “It was the first time,” he says shrugging and looking away. Somehow, Even doesn’t believe him. He hides his smirk on his coat as they approach the door of the building. He can’t ignore the pink blush spreading on Isak’s cheeks.
“How many little Isak’s stars could you give me?” he jokes then proceeds to bite his bottom lip when Isak glares at him like he used to back in the day when they still were friends. He doesn’t know how Isak does it, how he lures Even in like they never departed from each other. As if they did this—talking and bickering like they still know everything about each other.
“Shut up.” He gets a huff from Isak who starts climbing up the stairs, leaving Even behind.
He shouldn’t feel this fire inside of his chest. He knows it too much to deny what he is feeling inside of him.
He hopes this time, Isak won’t break his heart.