Chapter Text
“Oh, wow” Steve says as soon as they step out into the freezing air, holding Bucky close to his side, his partners hand in his coat pocket to keep it warm.
“It’s always so beautiful, isn’t it?” Bucky replies, turning his head from the wide expanse of snow to his lover's face, curling his lips in a soft smile seeing how amazed Steve looks. It was only raining when they entered the theatre, nothing unusual for New York weather, but rain quickly froze to snow and the road is now covered in a soft white blanket.
They had different opinions on snow, but loved to reminisce with fond memories they shared of it when the snow did fall again. They used to play in the snow when they were children: Bucky, without a care in the world, would always do snow angels and try to get Steve to do the same, to join him by throwing snowballs at his back. Steve, on the other hand, would always be unsure of the icy stuff, afraid of getting a cold after a few minutes outside because of his stupidly weak immune system. But how could he say no to that little happy boy he loved so much? After all, Bucky would take care of him, not letting him stay outside for too long, always pulling his hat low on his head to protect his ears, and then getting him inside and making him a hot chocolate with mini marshmallows to quickly warm his little body.
They’ve always been lucky to have each other. They would always make each other's day brighter.
Bucky cuddles a little closer to Steve after being hit by a bitter wind and he immediately answers by tightening his grip on Bucky’s hand and lowering his eyes to Bucky’s. “We should hurry up and get to the car. I think a hot chocolate with mini marshmallows is waiting for us at home” he said. At his words, Bucky nods excitedly in agreement, smiles and starts pulling him through the fresh snow towards their car.
As soon as they reach the car, Bucky gets inside whilst watching Steve clean away the snow on the front window with his huge gloved hands, but he quickly joins him in the car and pulls the gloves off, taking hold of his partner’s hands and blowing hot air on them whilst chuckling lightly.
“You’re an idiot, your hands are freezing!” Bucky fake-complains without pulling his hands away from Steve’s, but looking him straight in those deep-as-the-ocean blue eyes.
“They are, but do you wanna feel how freezing my lips are?”
“Mr Rogers, are you trying to flirt with me?” Bucky places a hand over his chest in fake astonishment but is soon interrupted by Steve’s frozen lips on his – that aren’t that warm either – and they both end up chuckling into the other’s mouth.
***
Steve shuffles through the radio stations, finding it hard to get a working signal due to the bad weather; he stops as soon as he hears a slow drum playing, curling his lips into a smile so small Bucky couldn’t have noticed, and starts humming lightly to the melody.
Bucky frowns a little and turns his gaze to the radio, trying to recognize the song.
I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine so bright
“Oh my god, Rogers no, please!” he loudly bursts out laughing as he recognizes the song and Steve starts to actually sing under his breath. “C’mon you hate this song!” Bucky continues without stopping laughing.
“I don’t! We danced to it at our wedding, don’t you remember?”
“Only because my ma is obsessed with this cheesy stuff, not because you like it!” At his words, Steve raises a hand and his eyebrows, knowing that Bucky had him cornered there.
I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance
They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance
And I have never seen that dress you're wearing
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes
I have been blind
As the song continues to play, Steve takes his chance and raises his voice to sing properly, his eyes focused on Bucky’s, eyebrows creased at the centre to convey the cheesy words he’s singing.
The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek.
By the time Steve is singing loudly, trying to hit all the high notes in off-key high-pitched noises, Bucky is laughing so loudly as well that he can’t help but stop the car to calm down and get their breaths together.
They’re still laughing but now lighter, more like a chuckle, when Bucky places his hand on Steve’s thigh and unfastens his seatbelt to try and get a little closer to him. “You’re a punk, and I love you so fuckin’ much” Bucky whispers close to his ear, placing a little kiss on his neck that causes a little moan to slip from Steve’s throat; he reacts by laying his head on the headrest, relaxing a bit whilst his husband places light kisses on the length of his neck.
Suddenly, a hard jolt comes out of nowhere from behind, forcing Steve to bend harshly on the steering wheel and hit his head against it hard, even with the strong seatbelt that squeezed him uncomfortably across his chest, pushing all the air out his lungs. His sight quickly began to darken at the edges, the world rapidly spinning around him as he manages to whisper a quiet “Buck…?” before zoning out completely, his head still on the steering wheel.
He never noticed that Bucky’s seat belt wasn’t there to do its job, and now, he was totally unconscious and laying on his belly on the hood of the car, completely thrown out the front window, millions of glass shards around him and a deep cut on his forehead that wouldn’t stop bleeding.
***
The next thing Steve knows, he’s in a white and blue room, a loud banging in his head and too many needles crammed into his skin. He turns his head, looking for clarity, to understand what happened and he catches sight of a nurse walking towards him quickly, noticing that he’s finally awake.
“Good morning, Mr Rogers! Or should I say, good evening” the nurse approaches him with a soft smile and starts checking the monitors around him and his IV.
“I’m in the hospital.” Steve says groggily, his throat harsh for some reason.
“Yes you are, Sherlock. You had a pretty bad accident two nights ago. Luckily for you, there was no major damage. You had a minor concussion, but now everything is fine, you
just have to deal with that sling on your arm for a couple of days and--” The nurse starts rambling stuff that Steve can’t quite understand, one name banging in his head louder than everything else.
“W-Where is Bucky?” he asked hurriedly. “Excuse me?” The nurse turns and looks at him a little confused, but immediately notices the urgency in Steve’s question, Steve looking at her like his life depends on her answer.
“My… my husband. Buck—I mean, James Barnes. He was in the car with me.” Steve tries as hard as he can to stay focused, the anaesthetic still playing tricks on him, he fights hard to keep calm; not an easy thing to do when your heart is racing so fast and every bone in your body is screaming at you that something is really wrong.
“Oh… yes, he’s here too. He’s just a few rooms awa-” Steve immediately sits up, as far as he can given the position he’s in, winces and grabs the nurse’s hand, a little tighter than he intended to. “I need to see him.” A statement, not a question.
The nurse tries her best to calm him, squeezing his hand back and putting her other hand on his arm. “I’m really sorry, Mr Rogers, but I’m afraid you can’t see him. He… he got it pretty bad. He’s in a medically induced coma at the moment.”
Steve’s eyes widen at her words, now fully awake and alert to what she has to say. “H-how is he…?” The nurse takes his hand in hers and sits down next to him, her eyes on her lap.
“I’m going to be real with you, Steve… can I call you Steve?” Steve barely nods, not daring to tear his eyes away from her face. “Honestly, he’s lucky to be alive. He got here with a bad concussion, went straight to surgery and was there the whole night. Now he’s asleep, and we don’t know the true outcome of the operation yet, but he’s stable and it went well. We just need to wait, Steve.” She squeezes his hand and finally looks into his eyes, a soft and honest smile on her lips.
Steve can’t find the right words, can’t even find his voice for what it’s worth and just keeps staring at her, his eyebrows pinched in the centre in a hurt expression, and tries, without success, to swallow the biggest knot he has ever felt in his throat. He needs to see him, he needs to see his Bucky, to grab his hand and kiss his forehead and whisper that he’s there and that everything is going to be alright, and that he will never leave him. That he’s strong and he’s going to overcome this, that he loves him and always will. But he can’t, he knows he can’t. He sees it in the nurse’s eyes, he can’t leave his bed, not yet, and he has to leave Bucky alone, in an empty room, with his hands cold and no one there to keep him warm. Steve starts to panic, his vision blurring at the edges and sounds muffling together. The nurse gets up from his bed to get him some more anaesthetic, and he feels the emptiness when she leaves, making him drown in the white sheets. He’s drowning and he can’t move, he’s sinking lower and lower, looking up towards the sky, towards safety. All he sees is Bucky’s face, smiling at him and offering him his hand, but Steve can’t reach it.
He falls asleep again in that hospital bed, but his nightmares never leave him alone. He just keeps drowning.
***
It had been four days since the accident when Steve finally got permission to go and see Bucky. He’s still sleeping, but as soon as Steve enters the room, he runs to the bed and his knees give out. He kneels beside Bucky’s bed, grasping his hand like his life depends on it. His hand is cold, as he expected it to be, and he tries as hard as he can to keep the tears from falling. He has to be strong for him.
“Hey, Buck, baby, I’m here.” He places a kiss on his knuckles, smiling lightly, hoping Bucky could hear him, from wherever his mind was in that moment. Maybe Bucky can take some comfort from his voice if he’s positive enough.
“I missed you so much, but I’m here now and I won’t leave your side until you wake up and tell me to get out of here and take a shower because I stink too much.” He chuckles lightly, raising a hand to move a strand of hair from his forehead and tuck it gently behind his ear, revealing a scar that runs over his forehead, from the centre down to his temple. He brushes his fingertips over the scar, a feather light touch, afraid that he could hurt him.
“You look beautiful, I promise. You’re still the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. Please, Buck, come back to me. I need you. I miss you so much.” He can’t help but lower his head to their intertwined hands and let a little tear fall down his cheek.
“I brought you something, baby.” He sniffs a little to get his stuff together and take his hand in his kindly. He slips a hand in his pocket and takes out a ring. He very, very gently slips the ring onto Bucky’s ring finger and smiles softly at the sight. “They had to take it off you during the operation. But you never have to worry. I’ve always got your back, I won’t let you leave me, Buck. I fought too hard to have you.” He smiles sadly and kisses the ring on his finger, thinking back to their times together in the past.
He spends the days like that, talking to him, holding his hand and kissing his forehead, waiting for him to come back.
***
“Don’t crowd him, he’s gonna be a little groggy so… let’s just give him some space” the nurse that was with Steve when he woke up is now standing beside him, at the end of Bucky’s bed. They’re both watching him slowly wake up from his long sleep. Steve is holding himself steady to the bar at the end of the bed, knuckles white from how hard he’s clenching it.
“Hey…” Steve says low, a soft smile in his voice. “It’s so good to see you.” He tilts his head slightly to one side looking at him, while Bucky flits his gaze from the nurse to Steve. He stops a moment to look him properly in the face, eyebrows pinched in a confused expression.
“Wh- wh..?” Bucky can’t seem to form any word properly, and looks at the nurse with a questioning look in his eyes.
“James, it's okay-” starts the nurse “you’re in the hospital. You were in a car accident. You hit your head but you’re okay, we just kept you asleep for a little while.” He still looks confused, looking at his surroundings to try to figure things out. Steve then speaks again, looking at him with a sad smile and a little pain in his eyes at the sight of his beloved so small and confused. “How are you feeling?”
“My-my head hurts.” Bucky mutters, definitely sounding groggy. “Yeah, that’s perfectly normal. I’ll go get you something for that” the nurse says as she turns to leave. Bucky speaks again before she does, looking Steve in the eyes.
“Was anyone else hurt, doctor?” he said and in that moment Steve felt the lump in his throat fall to his stomach. He tries to stay calm and reasonable. He gives a little look at the nurse before turning back to Bucky. “You know who I am, don’t you?”
“Of course… you’re my doctor.”
Steve’s world starts to shatter all around him. And he’s falling again. He’s falling but now there’s no Bucky offering his hand to bring him to safety, there’s no Bucky leaning towards him to keep him steady. Bucky turned his back to him and he’s gone as the rest of the world is.
Steve tries to remain calm, to ignore the voice in his head screaming and his heart pounding so hard that he can’t even hear himself breathing. He doesn’t really know if he’s breathing at all. He doesn’t even care. He only cares about Bucky, who apparently, doesn’t recognize him. Steve walks slowly to the chair beside Bucky’s bed, he feels like he’s floating, but tries to ignore it. Bucky follows him with his gaze that now seems scared. Steve tries to ignore that too. The hardest thing to ignore is when Bucky tears his hand away from Steve’s when Steve tries to hold it. He squeezes his eyes hard shut before opening them again and looking him straight in the eyes.
“Bucky… I’m your husband.” He whispers, not even sure that he could hear him or not from how low his tone was.
But Bucky heard him low and clear. And his expression was loud and clear too. He raises his hand and catches sight of the ring on his finger, and his face turns to something horrible to Steve’s eyes. He looks disgusted. He looks him in the eyes again.
“Who the hell is Bucky?”