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Benni normally wants nothing more than to see Manuel's face, even if it is over Skype. Tonight, though, he is simply going to call him. He knows the fact he's still upset over not being able to play today will show on his face, and he doesn't want sympathy, even from Manuel. It won't make any difference.
He closes his twitter account – the anonymous one he uses to find out gossip or information that doesn't get mentioned by the mainstream press, not his official one – and then quickly navigates to Manuel in his contacts and presses dial. Sad as he is that he missed the game, finding out about Manuel's reaction in the press room in Köln makes him smile. It doesn't surprise him, but knowing Manuel had let journalists see it was nice.
Manuel picks up straight away, and Benni has to suppress a giggle at the immediate exclamation of “You won!” coming down the line. For a moment, he doesn't care that he hadn't been able to play.
“You mean “we”, right?” he replies teasingly.
Manuel is quiet for a few moments, before he obviously twigs that Benni has heard about his press room reaction.
“How did you know I said that?”
“Oh, I have my sources,” Benni says, not willing to admit to his secret twitter account. He doesn't want Manuel to know that he uses it largely to keep up to date with Manuel's latest on-pitch antics and the off pitch stuff that Manuel often doesn't tell him about if it's club related. He certainly doesn't want Manuel to know that he poses as a Bayern fan in order to talk to fans and bloggers, although admittedly he also uses this cover story to get people's unvarnished opinions of events at Schalke sometimes.
“You know I always mean it, though...”
Benni does know. He knows it so much that it hurts. Sometimes he can't help but wonder what it would have been like if Manuel had gone to Manchester, if he hadn't been so adamant that he wasn't leaving Germany because he didn't want to be that far from Benni. Nobody would have minded if he still cheered for his childhood club there. As it is, though, derby day is usually the only time Manuel can be open about it, because of course Dortmund losing is good for Bayern too. Benni knows too, that whatever the price they have paid, Manchester would have been worse. Not just in distance, but with no winter break to spend together, and schedules that would have been even harder to match up.
“I know... I just still miss you sometimes, even though I should be used to it by now...”
“I know, love, I know... it should get easier, and it does, I mean, I only have to look at Mario to remind myself how hard it is when it's new, and I'm so glad we never fell out like he and Marco did last year, that was horrible enough to have to watch, let alone go through... but however hard everything is, we'll get through it. And maybe one day...”
“...one day, you'll come back, right?” Benni almost whispers, holding his breath. He's never actually asked it before, but suddenly he couldn't help himself.
“I'd like to, love, I'd like to... but I can't promise, because that wouldn't be fair on either of us. Either of us could end up with an injury that we can't get over, and we can't know what the situation will be in four or five years. I'd like nothing more, though, than for us to finish our careers together, and for the world to know how much I love you.”
Manuel says it so matter of factly, no romantic tone to his last words, but Benni knows he means every last word.
“Hell, Manu, you have no idea how much I want to drive to Köln right now...”
Knowing that Bayern were staying in Köln before going straight to Moscow rather than returning home first was so difficult, knowing that Manuel was within reach and yet forbidden to him... Benni hated it.
“You have no idea how much I'd love for you to do that, or how I'd love to drive to Gelsenkirchen, but we're supposed to be staying here so we're less tired, so Pep would be furious...”
“I know, I know, and I'd better get going anyway, Hunter's organised a party and I don't want to leave Jule as the only one there who wasn't playing today.”
“Enjoy it, love, remember you helped them even though you weren't on the pitch. I know how hard you've been working on making sure everyone pulls together. I'll call you when we get to Moscow. Love you.”
“Love you too.” Benni responded as he hung up.
He hadn't been quite truthful when he told Manuel that he and Julian would be the only guys there who hadn't played that day. He knew Sead at least would be there, but he hadn't wanted to get into another discussion with Manuel about his suspicions until he had an update. Maybe tonight he would get to see if there was anything going on with those two. Part of him would be jealous at them getting to see each other all the time if there was, but really he wanted there to be. He wanted everyone to have the love he had, and hard as it was at times, if you really loved someone you worked through the obstacles. It was a cliché, but he really did believe that love conquers all, if it was true, and, crucially, you worked at it.