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Severus was seriously injured. I was surprised when I heard he was still alive. There were only a few people who managed to survive Nagini’s bite. I was surprised not from a matter of anger like many around me. This man, they said, he deserved to die. That made my heart ache. That is the worst thing you could wish for anyone, even your enemy. Have I ever thought that Voldemort deserved to die? No, never, even when he killed almost everyone I ever cared for.
Severus has been in St Mungo’s for almost a month now, and no one was visiting him as to my knowledge. That’s can be understood – people were busy trying to keep going with their own lives and their own terrible losses. Though I had Harry to think of and be responsible for, he was a man now, not a child, so I really was on my own.
Severus looked terrible. It looked like he was bleeding constantly no matter how frequently nurses have been changing his bandages. He was pale and almost non-visible against those white sheets he was laying on. His hair was long and dirty, his facial hair was outgrown that never ever had happened before. The world was giving up on Severus Snape. No one believed he had a chance of really surviving. And you could almost feel too many people being happy about that.
I wasn’t sure if he would like to see me. There were too much unspoken between us, and that wasn’t the right time to try and talk about it all.
Severus opened his eyes as I sat myself on a chair beside his bed. They were the same blackest black as I remembered though lost their sharpness.
“Hello, Severus”, - I said nervously. I didn’t know what to say or what to do here. What was the purpose of that visit?
“Hello, Remus”, - my heart lost a beat as I heard this voice and my name.
“I.. Sorry, I don’t know if you want me here”.
“It’s okay, you can stay”.
I remembered his appearance clearly, I remembered his voice and his eyes, but still I wasn’t sure the man in front of me was the same Severus Snape.
“To be honest, I was expecting you to ask me go away”.
“Why?”
“Err.. You remember who I am, right?”
“I do. Precisely”.
“So you know we are not the best of friends. And we’ve never had a proper conversation”.
“We have. At school”.
Yes, at school. We were young and foolish and didn’t know how our lives would turn to be. We made each other believe we were in love. That was a beautiful lie to believe in, but it was too fragile to live longer and was shattered against the truth of my condition, the stupid joke of my friend and the dark Severus has always had inside him.
“You’re right. Although it was a long time ago. In another life”.
“So you have chosen to forget that?”
“Never”.
I remembered every touch and every breath, every word we said and wrote to each other, every secret we shared. It was the best time of my life. At least when I didn’t allow the fear of being rejected after telling who I am immerse me. Countless sleepless nights were spent thinking about our future together that could be true if I were normal. Countless failed attempts to tell the truth.
“Why are you sad?”
“I’m not. Just thinking. I guess”.
“Don’t you even try to lie to me like that, Remus”.
“Have you ever thought how would it be if we had a chance? If.. If only I was normal”.
“You are normal”.
“I am a werewolf, Severus. It’s just the matter of time people will remember of that again, and all this heroic stuff will fade away. They know I am a monster”.
“I’ve never thought of you as a monster and you know that. I’ve known about your condition long before that incident in Shrieking Shack. For real, Remus, don’t make me believe you thought it took me more time to figure out than your beloved friends, huh!”
“You knew?”
“Of course I did. I didn’t care then, I don’t care now. I’ve never cared if you are cursed or not”.
“But..”
Words were stuck in my mouth. I suddenly felt like a fool. He knew! All this time! All these long years! He knew and still shared touches, kisses, whispers.
“Why did you push me away then if you really didn’t care?”
“You being a werewolf has never been a problem. It’s you being too attached to your friends, to people who almost made a murderer out of you. You would never leave them. Not for me, not for anyone. You would never turn your back on them. You would never choose me over them”.
I couldn’t feel my heart beating anymore. The thing was that Severus has finally spoken the truth I have always been too scared to hear. It’s true I would never choose him over them. There was no chance I would risk their friendship for something so fragile as our love. And there was no chance I could have both. James and Sirius hated Severus too much to even give him a chance. They would have laughed at my confession for so long but would never understand. Severus was too proud to hide forever, to surrender to my fears of being open.
“You see, Remus, I don’t want to blame you. It’s not your fault. To be honest, it’s not anyone’s fault. This whole mess we have to live in is just a coincidence. Even if you could choose otherwise, even if I could make a different choice, I doubt the things would have turned better for us. We still would have had to face wars, losses, pain. As much as I would love to… As much as I love you to this day… It seems like the universe has never had any plans for us and-”.
“Stop!”, - I heard myself screaming, “Please, stop saying that! You know perfectly there is a chance for us now. There were fears and pain, hatred and wars between us, I know that, and we lost so much time being miserable about ourselves, being too busy thinking about how cruel this world is. We have today. We have this moment”.
There was no point in speaking anymore. There was no point in any words. I knew exactly what I felt, I knew exactly what that is that I needed to do. Our lips met, and I finally felt that I made the right choice for the first time.
My life changed completely. I felt some bright feeling growing inside my chest. There was no doubt we had so much to face in the future, so much to deal with. But it was nice to lose ourselves in these moments we had together, to forget about time we lost because we had time left. At least we thought there was time left.
My daily visits have become routine we both enjoyed. We shared touches, kisses, whispers again. We shared our dreams and plans for the future. We shared our ups and downs. My heart was full of love and hope. For the first time in many years, I was excited for everything future has to offer. I was excited to propose and hear a yes in response; I was excited to choose our wedding rings and write my vow. I was excited by the thought of being loved and happy. And it all ended.
Unexpectedly and forever.
No more chances.
No more new beginnings.
One day I stepped in St Mungo’s building one more time to see the door of Severus’ room opened and to hear nurses and doctors screaming at each other in an attempt to decide what to do.
There was no time left. Severus’ eyes were still the blackest black they always have been though life left them. His glance was focused on the ceiling above him and would never ever again be placed on me. My future was shattered to a million pieces. He was laying there, gone, non-responsive, dead. Pale and beautiful, loving and loved, hated and misunderstood.
How could I ever believe that after all this time we had to suffer through the worst nightmares you can think of, the Universe will kindly give us new happy life? This world is cruel and unfair. And once you lost your time, you will never have it again.