Work Text:
Eiji was prone to having self-destructive behaviors.
It had taken his psychiatrist many sessions to make him understand that. It took even longer to get Eiji to realize these behaviors didn't just affect him, but those around him too, like ripples forming in a pond after a pebble disturbed the water.
It didn't matter that he was isolating himself, overworking himself, starving himself or constantly berating everything he did or didn't do, it didn't matter that at first glance those actions were only towards him; in the end the ripples would reach his loved ones.
It all came down to empathy, if Eiji knew his little sister treated herself the way Eiji had come to feel treating himself was normal, it would pain him beyond belief, the session his doctor had asked him to imagine it he had sobbed the whole hour and then again at home until he felt he had no tears left.
That had helped begin the process of healing, a slow frustrating thing that most days felt impossible, but after some time (even if he wasn't 'fixed') trying felt easier, not natural like breathing, but easier, integrated, like remembering to drink water or to wash your teeth, sometimes he didn't even notice until after he had done it.
It also felt scary, to have that power over people, and not just any people, but the people he loved most. He thought he knew pressure, when he has convinced himself his worth came from success, when the only way to get money to his family was to go to college and to go to college he needed a scholarship and to get the scholarship he had to be perfect.
That pressure was like a warm blanket compared to the heavy boulder on his shoulders that realizing his wellbeing (or lack thereof) would ripple into his home, his friendships. It felt overwhelmingly scary to live for other people besides yourself, but that was the truth that his doctor had helped him see. So, yeah. Eiji believed in therapy.
Ash didn't.
It was clear in the way he turned his nose at the mentions of doctors, apprehension taking his beautiful jade eyes hostage and leaving them clouded with judgement or in the cold stone silence and the razor sharp look he sent Eiji's way when he had pitched him the idea of asking for help after one of his worst nightmares, when Eiji felt the ripples catch him and couldn't keep quiet anymore, Ash had gone from a crying trembling mess that clung to Eiji's pajama like it was a lifeline to Ash Lynx, feared and untouchable in less than a heartbeat giving Eiji whiplash.
He had bowed his head ashamed and taken his words back, said he hadn't meant them, that it was Ash's choice and no one else's, tears had gathered on the edge of his eyes, though in the haze of sleep Eiji didn't know if they were fearful tears for stepping over his boundaries or angry tears, angry with himself for being such a coward and letting Ash, like most people had let him, keep his comfortable self-destructive behaviors run wild, like feral animals ready to strike and take a bite out of him, because someday one of those bites could be a mortal wound, or maybe the accumulation of them could fester and rot, poisoning him from within.
Eiji was terrified of the fact that, much like him before, Ash didn't know, or rather, didn't want to see how much it would affect everyone around him if he went on one of his mysterious trips alone or one of his dangerous missions and never came back, how many of the kids of his gang would suffer not only for his loss, but for the loss of the roof he put over their heads, the food in their mouths, the safety. Shorter and Nadia would be devastated as Max, Jessica and Michael would be, because despite Ash's best efforts on keeping the facade of a lone wolf, they had become his family.
Eiji honestly couldn't imagine what would become of him if anything happened to Ash. He tried not to think about it, because even putting himself in the situation of not having Ash around, to not have the touches and the looks, the laughing until their stomachs hurt or the nightmares, felt too much like letting his own mind self-destruct.
Truth be told, even after meeting so many wonderful people in this country or the ones he had left back in Japan, even after finding a passion on his photography and after spending most of his time between fighting for their lives and actually living, even so, Eiji felt completely and utterly uninterested in a world without Ash Lynx in it.
It wasn't a nice thought, putting that much weight on a single person wasn't healthy or fair to any of them, but it was the situation he found himself in.
What was worse, Eiji knew the sentiment was requited. He had no idea what Ash would become if something happened to Eiji, he had seen a glimpse of it back on the mansion, when the man Golzine’s men had injected with Banana Fish had been beating and cutting Eiji and Ash had had no qualms with shooting him, the blood grossly warm and thick leaving splatters on Eiji's face, hair, everywhere. And that was a long time ago, they barely had known each other then, they hadn't felt the touches, they hadn't shared the looks, they hadn't held each other, so close and so warm, in the privacy and forgiveness only the dark provides and said words so low no one else could listen, promises they didn't know if they could fulfill but kept making anyway, their lips hadn't met then, not as real, not as willing.
If something, anything, happened to Eiji now, after all that... Eiji didn't allow himself to think of that either.
It was scary, terrifying to know literal lives depended on it, because Ash depended on him.
It was scary but Eiji couldn't bring himself to care too much about it, much less to stop, not while they still had the touches and the shared time in the dark and while Eiji could still dream, Ash agreeing to everything he says as he often does when he is sleep soft and looking at Eiji like he matters, making plans for a future they couldn't afford just now, but sue them, they were kids and kids dreamed.
They dreamed of a small house or an apartment, a cat and a dog, of therapy to be able to bear through the years. It was hard to feel scared when they talked about years, when he was with Ash it was so easy to feel hopeful.