Work Text:
At this point it was more of a routine, than anything. Shutting himself inside of his new studio, notably smaller than his old one, from midnight to at least six am. Endless thoughts running through his brain as he word vomited onto the pages of a notebook already overflowing with words from his countless nights of overthinking.
Tonight wasn’t any different from any other night, Chan’s head overflowing with different thoughts that seemed to be pulling him down into a deeper hole. He’d been struck with a horrible case of writer's block a few nights ago, making it almost impossible for the leader to finish any sort of project in his studio, in turn also causing his negative thoughts to run rapid.
“You can’t even finish one song, why are so you worthless..” His voice was barely above a whisper as he slammed his hand down on his desk, his body tense with frustration. “God, why can’t you do anything right?”
He released a heavy sigh as he clicked a few buttons with his mouse, saving the file of the song he had been working on for days. He glanced at the clock next to his computer, the red numbers staring back at him like demons. 4:02 AM. The boys had dance practice at 8, and this was just yet another sleepless night for Chan. Because of his lack of sleep, he’d inevitably mess up at practice and once again he would get yelled at by the choreographer for not focusing or not trying hard enough.
It was always a never ending cycle.
And with that last thought, Chan pushed away from the desk, the wheels on the chair rolling him backwards. With a deep, shaky breath, his head fell downwards into his hands as he curled himself into a ball, hot, fat tears falling down his face, pained sobs escaping from his mouth. His own thoughts were eating him alive, every single insecurity pounding itself into his brain.
He was so caught up in his own thoughts, he at first didn’t hear the voices and footsteps outside his studio, and the second he heard the doorknob turn, his body froze in panic. “Fuck, I forgot to lock the door.” He looked up from his hands, his eyes sparkling with tears that were still rolling down his cheeks. He recognized the excited, chattering voices outside the door as Changbin and Jisung’s. He didn’t know why they were here at this hour, he didn’t know why they sounded so happy. They didn’t have to be awake until six, why were they awake?
Questions and thoughts began rapidly circling Chan’s mind again as the doorknob clicked, the door being pushed open.
“Hyung, are you still here?” Changbin’s voice carried throughout the small studio as the short boy poked his head in the room, stepping fully inside when he saw Chan’s body curled into a small ball on his chair. “Did you fall asleep in the chair..?” His voice softened as Jisung followed him in the room, a big smile on his face.
Chan stayed completely still as Changbin bent in front of him, poking Chan’s knees playfully. “Hyung, you awake?”
The sniffle that they received in reply was all the two rappers needed to signal that something was wrong with their leader.
“Hyung, look at us.” Jisung muttered, placing a hand softly on the olders back, eyes filled with concern. He looked at Changbin briefly, nodding, before he lightly put his hand under Chan’s chin, gently pushing the eldest boy’s head up to look at them.
The sight of tears running down Chan’s pale cheeks, his eyes red and puffy, still filled with tears, stung both of the boys in the hearts. Jisung moved his hand slowly from Chan’s forehead to his cheek, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears that raced rapidly down his face.
“I-I’m sorry-” Chan began, his voice rough.
“For what, hyung?” Changbin spoke now, grabbing Chan’s hand and interlacing their fingers as he stared at the blond boy in front of him.
Chan just shook his head in response, choking back a sob that threatened to escape him if he opened his mouth.
Jisung and Changbin once again locked eyes, nodding in silent agreement. Changbin stood up, pulling on Chan’s arm and tugging him out of the chair. Chan didn’t look at either of the two boys as they pulled him to the small leather couch in the corner, nor did he look up at them when they sat him down, Jisung sitting on Chan’s left and Changbin on the right.
Jisung pulled the leader closer to him, engulfing him in a warm hug. “Baby.” The name rolled off of Jisung’s tongue, filling Chan with immediate warmth. Jisung and Changbin had a special way of taking care of their leader, who always seemed so tough. In reality, Chan was the biggest softie the two of them had ever met, and he needed constant babying and reassurance, but with the recent hectic schedules, the eight members gearing up for a comeback, they’d been too busy to sit down and give Chan the love and reassurance he really needed, which gave Chan too much time to be too deep inside his own head.
“Baby, what’s going on?” Jisung placed a small kiss on the temple of their leader, rubbing small circles on his arm.
“J-just…” Chan took a deep, shaky breath, keeping his eyes trained on the wall across the room from him. “I’m.. worthless. To you guys, to all the members. I can’t even get one song done. I-”
Changbin cut him off, his grip on Chan’s hand tightening. “Chris, baby, you are so far from worthless. So what, you can’t finish one song?” Another tear found its way down Chan’s face as Changbin spoke, his words softer. “We’ve all been there, Chris. We’ve all had our moments when we just can’t make something, and that’s okay.”
“Yeah, we’re just human, baby. You can’t expect yourself to be able to produce millions of songs in a month, sometimes you can’t even expect yourself to be able to make one.” Jisung ran his hands through Chan’s chair, pulling him closer to his chest. “You do absolutely so much for all of us, you always have. You’ve done the most for us, Chris, and we are so incredibly grateful for you.”
Jisung released his grip on Chan slightly, allowing him to sit upright once more.
“We both love you so so much, Chris. Please never forget that.” Changbin placed a soft kiss on Chan’s cheek, earning a quiet giggle from him. “Ah, there’s our cute little Channie.” Changbin pulled Chan’s head to his chest, Jisung pulling his feet onto his lap, earning a quiet protest from Chan.
“I can’t get comfy, I’ve gotta-”
“No.” Changbin cut him off, pressing a finger to the leader's lips. “Just go to sleep, Channie. We’ll keep the managers off you till 7:30. You need to rest.” Chan sniffled quietly before looking up at the two boys, smiling weakly at them.
“Thank you both… so so much. I love you both so much.” And with those last words, the sleepy australian drifted off into much needed sleep, the two rappers above him looking down at him with all the love in their eyes.
Chan was their world, and he deserved to know that.