Work Text:
Jisung had never been one to talk about his feelings, whether it was just a fear of people judging him for how he felt or some other unknown reason, but he never talked about them. He always hid if he was sad, and he hid it extremely well. He was easily able to hide his fear, despite his anxiety, he was able to mask his anger. The only thing he never hid from anyone was his happiness. He felt like that was the side of him everyone needed to see. From what he had always been told from an extremely young age, whether they had meant in a malicious manner or not, was that his happy side was the only side of him people actually liked. So why should he show anyone a side of him that wasn’t a happy sunshine?
At the age of 16, as he trained in a company he’d been at for 3 years, as he felt like he’d never make it anywhere in life, even if he trained as hard as all the people who had debuted before him, Han Jisung was sad. He was lost, he was lonely, and he was very, very sad. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone.
♡
17 year old Han Jisung had been very closed off when Chan found him. Chan had always kept an eye on the young boy who entered the company a few years after Chan had, intrigued by the boys’ constant smile and bright energy that followed him wherever he went, the energy never once faltering.
Chan wondered how the boy did it, wondered how he was so happy all the time. He had never once seen Jisung expressing any emotion other than seemingly pure happiness. Chan, of course, knew that the boy couldn’t possibly be happy all the time, he knew that he had to have emotion other than happiness.
Chan watched the boy every day, until he finally approached him, asking him to join his team. He wanted this boy to be the first member of a growing group that Chan hoped could debut one day, he loved this boys voice and his enthusiasm, he knew he needed him for his team.
Bang Chan was Han Jisung’s first real friend. For the first time since he was a child, Jisung hadn’t been faking his happiness. Chan saw how Jisung’s eyes lit up when he asked him to join him, and he would never forget the warmth of Jisung’s hug, he’d never forget the countless nights after that that Jisung spent trying to hide his feelings away from Chan, and soon, their new member Changbin. Chan would never forget when Jisung finally broke down in front of them, every negative emotion he had ever kept locked away deep inside him finally pouring out into a fit of loud, angry sobs, and a couple of extremely hard punches to a pillow (because Chan refused to let him hit a wall and injure himself. What kind of leader would Chan be then?) He would never forget that after Jisung’s outburst, while he lay with his head in Changbin’s lap while Chan held his hand softly, Jisung finally opened up to them. Told them about every bad thing that had led Jisung to locking all his emotions inside of him. Told them exactly how he was feeling.
And for Jisung, damn. It felt so good to finally let it all out. It felt so good to not have to force himself to be happy in front of people, because these two accepted him for who he was. Jisung finally felt safe enough to be human with these two boys, the two boys who held his hand and listened to his issues.
They formed a rap unit, and for a couple months, all of Jisung’s anxieties and fears were lifted. He felt okay, he felt at peace.
And then, Chan began picking more people for their team. He picked four other people, leaving the team at seven, leaving Jisung to struggle to feel safe and secure again. Chan noticed before Changbin, and Chan immediately began trying to get his young friend to feel comfortable around the other boys.
Jisung did, he finally found peace with them.
And then, the one that changed Jisung’s life forever waltzed through the door, and Jisung’s heart stopped.
A young boy, around his own age, probably, with tanned skin, chocolatey brown hair, and a sweet, soft round face that was decorated with a constellation of freckles all over his cheeks and nose.
And the second the boy spoke, despite him only knowing english, Jisung knew he was done for.
Jisung had fallen head over heels for the freckled boy, and he refused to admit it.
Han Jisung was becoming more open with his emotions, sure, but he would never, ever admit to falling in love with a stranger that he hadn’t said more than a simple ‘hello’ to.
As the days passed, as they entered a rough survival show, in which Jisung thought he may have lost the boy that became his best friend, Jisung realized just how much he loved the freckled boy.
Lee Felix was forever in Han Jisung’s mind. He always would be. And when Felix jumped excitedly into Jisung’s arms, tears of joy pricking the boys’ beautiful, sparkling eyes, after JYP had told him that he and Minho would be debuting with the other boys, Jisung pulled Felix a little closer to him, never wanting to escape from his warm embrace. Wanting Lee Felix’s sparkling eyes and beautiful smile to be his forever.
Of course, it couldn’t happen, they would get in trouble for dating, even if Felix returned the feelings of Jisung, which Jisung was so sure he didn’t. Jisung needed to focus, he needed to focus. And his focus didn’t need to be on Lee Felix, right?
Jisung did everything in his power to push Felix from his mind, but every single time the freckled boy, who was only younger than Jisung by a day, would cling to him, hug him, even say hello to him, Jisung fell a little more in love with Lee Felix.
♡
Fast forward to almost three years later. April, 2020.
Han Jisung, now 19 years old, sits on the floor of the dorm, now shared by the eight members of Stray Kids, surrounded by the other members of the maknae line. Hyunjin and Seungmin sat to his left, deep in conversation about something on Seungmin’s phone, and Jeongin sat next to Felix on his right, laughing about a joke Felix had told him.
And, you absolutely guessed it, Jisung’s feelings for the one and only Lee Felix hadn’t at all faded. His smile still made Jisung’s fragile heart swell, and hearing his laugh made it explode. Sometimes, Felix would grab Jisung’s hand, probably just out of a show of friendship, nothing more, and Jisung’s heart would just shatter on the spot.
Everything about Lee Felix was so perfect, and all Jisung wanted was to call Felix his.
Jisung had no right to be so jealous of Jeongin, who was so oblivious to Jisung’s feelings for Felix, as was everyone. He had no right to be so angry that Felix’s arm was wrapped around Jeongin’s shoulder, that Jeongin was laughing about something Felix had told him. Jisung had no right to be jealous. No right to be so angry.
“Don’t hold your emotions in anymore..” Jisung muttered to himself, barely loud enough for himself to even hear. He repeated the phrase a few times, hoping to subside his anger.
His attempts were feeble, and he didn’t even realize when his fist came violently in contact with the rug beneath them, the outburst startling both the boys around him, and Chan, Minho, and Changbin, who were perched on the couch above the younger boys, absorbed into some k-drama.
Of course, Felix had to be the first to ask him a question. “Sungie?” God, Jisung was so weak. His heart exploded at the use of the nickname, at the sound of Felix’s deep, honey voice. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Jisung hadn’t meant for his reply to sound so snappy and mean, but by the look of hurt that flashed on Felix’s face, even though it was there for only a second, it was clear that Jisung had just hurt him with the way he replied.
“Jisung, what’s going on?” Chan was the one to speak up now, noticing the unusualness of Jisung’s attitude. Han Jisung had never once snapped at Lee Felix. He had never once hurt Felix’s feelings, so obviously, something was very wrong.
“I said nothing.” Jisung snapped once more, this time fully realizing that he had. Everyone in the room froze at this, knowing that you absolutely, for no reason, never snapped at Bang Chan. Ever. Chan’s eyes flashed with an anger of his own, but only for a moment.
“I told you not to bottle things up, Jisung, so what the fuck is going on?” Chan’s voice rose only slightly, his tone calm, yet angry.
“Nothing is going on, okay?” Jisung stood up at this, grabbing his phone off the floor and slipping it into the pocket of his sweatpants. “Just leave me the fuck alone.”
At this, Chan shot up from the couch, and was in Jisung’s face immediately. Chan would never lay a hand on any of his members, but he wanted Jisung to very clearly understand that he was very, very pissed off. He placed his hand on Jisung’s shoulder, his grip tight, but not rough.
“Don’t you ever speak to me, or anyone else in this room, like that again.” Chan’s voice was low, serious, and it was enough to send a shiver down not only Jisung’s spine, but a chill over everyone in the room, who were all frozen in a slight fear. “We are only here to fucking help you, Han Jisung, get that through your damn head. We fucking care about you.”
With that, Jisung shrugged Chan’s hand off of his shoulder, tears bubbling up, stinging his eyes and forcing their ways down Jisung’s full cheeks. Jisung wasn’t scared of Chan, he never was and never, ever would be. But he knew he couldn’t be in a room with these people right now. He knew he couldn’t take their worried, almost accusing glances. After what had happened, the boys were weary of every secret a member kept. Jisung said nothing, didn’t even glance at any of the members, before turning and retreating from the living area, hiding himself in the room he shared with Felix and Seungmin, shutting the door but not locking it.
He kept the light off, just wanting to drown himself in his own thoughts, while, at the same time, wanting to fall asleep and stop thinking for as long as he could. He almost nose dived into his bed, nearly hitting his head on the headboard, and he closed his eyes, squeezing them shut as tight as he could. His head was filled with thoughts, and he wanted to escape every single one of them.
♡
When Jisung fully plunged into darkness, it felt as though he were underwater. He felt weighed down, helpless, and he was scared.
His throat felt raw, dry, like he had been screaming for hours on end, with no avail, no one around to hear him. His mind raced as he tried to scream, despite knowing it wouldn’t work.
Nothing around him felt real, he felt himself falling deeper and deeper into this darkness. His lungs felt as though they were filling, much too quickly, with water. His head felt heavy and foggy, he felt as if he were just a paperweight, searing through the water at lightning speed.
He was drowning, he knew it. He felt everything slipping away from him, he felt scared and alone. All he could register before hitting the bottom of the darkness were people screaming his name, he felt his body being shook, but he couldn’t move. It was almost like he was frozen in place now. He wanted out.
He wanted to wake up.
♡
Jisung barely registered what was happening when he woke up. All he was able to do was make out the blurry figures of his members, and was able to realize he was shaking, almost uncontrollably. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a choked sob, and tears flew down his face at lightning speed as someone pulled him up and into a hug. The embrace was unmistakable, and when he looked up, he saw Felix’s striking white hair, and the sight made Jisung begin to calm down, his shaking slowly stopping.
He hadn’t realized it at first, but as he calmed down, he heard Felix’s voice. He’d been speaking the entire time, whispering small words of comfort to help Jisung ground himself.
“I’m here, Sungie. You’re safe.” With those words, Jisung felt himself melt into a puddle, his body becoming almost limp and powerless in Felix’s warm embrace. “We’re all right here, you’re okay.”
“”M okay..” Jisung quietly repeated Felix’s words, grabbing a small fistfull of Felix’s shirt, clinging closer to the younger boy.
“That’s right, you’re okay.” Felix pushed Jisung away from him gently, only pushing him far enough to see his face. “See? It’s me, I’m right here.” Jisung locked eyes with Felix, nodding slightly.
“It’s you, uh huh.” Jisung sniffled, his breath shaking as he exhaled. “I-I’m okay, just… just had a bad dream and…”
“Hey, hey.” Felix cut him off, his voice quiet and comforting. “It’s okay, no need to explain yourself.” Jisung nodded, before he pushed himself off of Felix, and back into bed, pressing his back to the wall.
“I-I’m sorry for worrying y-you guys.” He avoided eye contact with the other members crowded around his bed, and his head swirled as they all said things to him, nothing of which he actually understood or even listened to, if we’re being honest. He nodded when he thought he was supposed to, his thoughts swirling around his head like a whirlpool. He barely noticed Felix get off the bed and leave the room, and he barely noticed Felix reenter with a small, green dinosaur plushie.
However, he did notice when Felix slipped the plushie into Jisung’s arms, a warm smile on Felix’s face.
“I figure, if you’re having nightmares, Rex will probably help you like he’s helped me.”
Rex, the stuffed animal that Felix had brought over from Australia, the only stuffed animal that, over his three years of being in Korea, he hadn’t thrown out or gotten rid of. It was Felix’s comfort item, something that reminded him of home, reminded him of his parents and his sisters, something that he never let any of the other members touch.
And yet, here he was, letting Jisung cuddle with the stuffed animal. Something that shocked even the other members, except of course, Chan. Chan, who knew about Felix’s massive crush on Jisung, Chan, who knew that Felix really wanted Jisung to know that he loved and cared about him in a way he never would the other members. Chan, who knew that Felix wanted to always be the one there for Jisung when he needed him.
Felix giving Jisung the plushie was his way of telling Jisung all of this, and everyone in that room except for Jisung caught the message,
Of course Jisung didn’t understand it. He was always oblivious to not only his own feelings, but everyone else’s, too.
As everyone, including Felix, stood up to return to the living area, Jisung reached out and grasped Felix’s arm. “Please, stay.” He whispered, and as Felix locked eyes with Jisung, he saw his eyes shine. In Lee Felix’s mind, Han Jisung was the most beautiful person to ever walk this earth.
Felix nodded as the other member’s left, shutting the door behind them. Felix clicked the lamp next to Jisung’s bed on, before carefully crawling over Jisung, laying on the other side of him. Wordlessly, Felix wrapped his arms around Jisung’s waist, pulling him close to Felix.
Jisung turned his body to face Felix, so he could sleep with his face in Felix’s chest, so he could feel safe in the embrace of someone he loved. Lee Felix was that someone he loved.
Jisung’s eyes were half closed, sleepiness once again taking over his small body, when Felix whispered in his ear.
“Han Jisung, I am in love with you.”
And with those words, Jisung’s eyes shot open, his heart exploding. He opened his mouth to speak, looking up at the beautiful fairy boy who was holding onto him, but Felix shushed him.
“I always have been, but I just don’t think you’ve ever noticed.” Jisung looked down, now, at the dinosaur in his hands, and then back up at Felix.
“I-I’m sorry for not noticing, I- I’m in love with you too.” Jisung’s reply came, his words almost running into each other, excitement very clearly laced in his voice.
Han Jisung had only experienced true happiness once in his life, when he made his first friend through Christopher Bang, when he was invited to be a part of the team that Chan wanted to create.
The second time Han Jisung had ever experienced true happiness was when Lee Felix locked eyes with him, and pressed his lips against Jisung’s softly. Jisung felt like he was floating, he felt as though he were on cloud 9. Lee Felix, freckles, the round faced, honey skinned australian boy that Han Jisung had fallen in love with almost three years ago, was kissing him. Lee Felix had confessed to him, and Jisung couldn’t have ever felt more truly happy than he did in that moment.
As Felix pulled away, Jisung pouted, wanting nothing more than Felix’s soft lips to be back on his, wanting nothing more than to kiss the boy he’d loved, maybe not as secretly as he thought, for the past three years once again. Wanting nothing more than to feel at home at the touch of Felix’s lips against his.
Every bone in Han Jisung’s body was on fire, his heart was exploding. Fireworks were shooting off in his brain, and for the first time in a very, very long time, Han Jisung broke into a big, bright smile.
Lee Felix could do nothing but smile in return at the beauty of the boy that he, too, had loved for so long.
Felix wouldn’t be able to call Jisung his, and Jisung wouldn’t be able to call Felix his, at least not yet, but neither of them were concerned about that. All that was important in that moment, was each other. Was the warmth and comfort they felt, and the smiles (and kisses) that they shared.
They were okay, they were safe. They had each other, and they would never let go.