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thing is, everyone knew that kageyama was weird around hinata. for the longest of times, they’d always suspected it was because hinata pissed him off, and kageyama considered him a rival. but then. the team slowly started to realise that wasn’t all there was to it. because if they payed enough attention, they’d see that kageyama always kept an eye on him from the corner of his eye; he clenched his jaw whenever hinata was talking to yachi, and when hinata needed something, kageyama was always magically right there.
hinata didn’t really think much of it at first. kageyama was a weird guy, after all. but then...kageyama started to become weirder than usual. he...wasn’t the same guy hinata had met in junior high. hinata knew they fought a lot, but then he realised that hadn’t really happened in a while. kageyama would somehow always just let hinata have his way. he’d always let hinata steal his food. hinata would reach out to pull kageyama’s on his wrist, downing half of kageyama’s milk in one gulp, and he’d just stand there, and continue drinking once hinata was done. it was so weird.
he’d just be eating, having lunch together, and hinata would take a bite from his onigiri while he wasn’t looking, and all kageyama would do after was wipe the crumbs of rice from hinata’s face. however hinata looked at it, it was just really weird.
and then there was the staring. whenever they were around each other, hinata would look up, and kageyama would always be looking at him. sometimes, he would quickly jerk his head away, face contorting with some unknown expression, and sometimes, he would just stare into hinata’s eyes as if daring him to look away. it honestly made hinata pretty nervous. but that wasn’t all. during practice, when it was hinata’s turn to do drills with daichi, he’d be wiping the sweat off his face with the front of his t-shirt, or something, and then he’d open his eyes and see kageyama, right in front of him, eyes trained on him. or sometimes, he’d be bending to pick up a volleyball, and out of the corner of his eye, he’d see kageyama staring at...at his ass. it made hinata’s face flush just thinking about it. for a good couple of weeks, he told himself everyone had wondering eyes, and everyone stared off into space somewhere. but still, why was kageyama’s ‘space’ always hinata?
but then, one day, noya-senpai had said to him, “hey, shouyou, kageyama’s staring at you again! you think he wants something from you?”
hinata had been at a complete loss. what could kageyama possibly want? over the course of the next few days, hinata had tried buying him yogurt from the vending machine, which kageyama accepted, looking surprised, but he didn’t stop staring. he’d even bought kageyama melon bread, which he saw him eating before, but again, kageyama accepted it with another look of surprise. (this time hinata privately thought he’d caught him in a half-smile, too. it kept getting weirder and weirder.) after hinata graciously gave up his pork bun from daichi for kageyama, he decided he needed to try out a different tactic. this clearly wasn’t working, as even noya-senpai pointed out to him, and kageyama was staring even more frequently if that was possible. sometimes he looked thoughtful, sometimes he had a blank expression, sometimes he was glaring murderously, but most of the time, he wore this unreadable expression that frustrated hinata to no ends.
so hinata switched to a different attack mode. when they raced to school, hinata always ran a little slower than usual to let kageyama win, which only earned him surprised glares. (“stop going easy on me, idiot!”) then, hinata stopped nagging him about throwing him extra tosses, which kageyama seemed to find disturbing, as well.
“don’t you want to practice spiking?”
“i can do it with suga-san,” hinata had shrugged, not missing the way suga-san shuddered slightly at his words.
“...oh.”
hinata thought kageyama didn’t sound too happy about that, and they were definitely locking eyes more often. and anyway, he didn’t like the idea of not practicing with kageyama, either.
“maybe he’s mad at you,” tanaka-senpai had suggested after watching hinata try to force another yogurt box onto kageyama.
“but...why would he be mad at me?” hinata flushed with worry, brows crinkling.
“uh...it was just a thought!” tanaka flailed quickly at the sight of hinata’s face.
“yeah...” but he wasn’t convinced. maybe kageyama really was mad at him for some reason. maybe he just had to be extra sorry and kageyama would forgive him and they could just go back to normal.
so that week, hinata tried everything he could think of, again. he didn’t babble loudly during lunchtime, because kageyama always said he was too loud. he stopped letting kageyama win all their races, because he seemed to hate that. he practiced with kageyama as much as the latter wanted to, and he even gave kageyama his favourite parts of hinata’s lunch (albeit a little tearfully). but none of that seemed to work. kageyama frowned more than usual when they sat in silence, and though he was evidently happy to be able to practice volleyball with hinata, he always made a frown whenever hinata went to sugawara to ask for extra tosses. when hinata offered him the food, he always looked a bit unsettled, because his cheeks turned red. and he was always frowning in hinata’s direction these days.
hinata felt like nothing was working; he was just making kageyama madder and madder at him. he really hated that.
maybe you just need to be more direct, kenma had texted him after hinata caved and asked even him for advice.
fine, he could do ‘direct’.
he chose the end of club activities to ask, as they were changing in the locker rooms. hinata had purposely waited until everyone else had left, because he didn’t want kageyama somehow getting angrier. he knew kageyama was always a little happier after playing volleyball, too. hinata felt a little guilty taking advantage of him like that.
“hey, kageyama,” hinata asked, slipping his clean pants on.
“mm?” kageyama grunted, for once looking quite relaxed as he pulled his shoes back on.
hinata paused before pulling a fresh shirt on. “are you mad at me, or something?”
kageyama instantly turned around to stare at hinata in shock, face changing colour. then he noticed that hinata was also half naked, and turned red. “wh-what the hell are you talking about, stupid?”
hinata froze. he’d made kageyama stutter, somehow. was that...bad? he didn’t even know what he was dealing with anymore.
“um, well...aren’t you?” hinata scratched his head, bemused.
“no?” kageyama said quickly, looking away from him.
“oh, okay...” hinata still didn’t understand, but at least he knew he wasn’t doing something wrong. probably.
“why?” kageyama asked softly after a beat, sounding oddly insecure. hinata’s heart thumped.
“i dunno, you’ve just been acting weird lately, i guess,” hinata mumbled, suddenly not very sure of himself either.
“what the heck? you’re the one who’s been acting weird, weirdo,” kageyama huffed, and shoved hinata’s shirt into his empty hands. “put some damn clothes on. weirdo.”
hinata was even more confused now, if possible. come to think of it, surely kageyama must have thought he was acting strange when he was trying to be nice to him and getting him to forgive hinata or whatever, he thought, absently slipping the shirt on, to kageyama’s apparent relief.
“guess i was, sorry,” hinata said.
“no, i mean—it’s fine,” kageyama sighed, sounding frustrated, “just...i’m not mad at you or anything. just so you know.”
hinata could only nod. but before they could exit the changing rooms in silence, kageyama was steeling himself with a breath.
“look, hinata—you can’t be serious. i-i mean, you can’t pretend like you don’t know.” kageyama spoke shakily, and hinata had never, ever seen him making this kind of face before. he almost looked like he was...in pain.
“uh, no,” hinata said, “i...don’t know what you mean?”
kageyama swallowed, glaring right into hinata’s eyes. but he didn’t say another word.
x x x
hinata couldn’t even bring it in himself to think that kageyama was weird anymore. any time he saw him, kageyama just looked frustrated. it was unlike anything hinata had every seen. he’d thought he knew kageyama pretty well, but now, their silences during lunchtime really were nothing but awkward, and hinata got the feeling he’d messed something up somehow. he felt like there was something he should’ve said, something he should’ve done, that would have made this okay. but kageyama wasn’t speaking to him anymore, and hinata had to follow him up to roof one lunchtime when kageyama had tried to escape secretly. he was sick of this. he hadn’t done anything, right? so, why was kageyama acting like he’d...like he told him he didn’t want to be friends anymore, or something?
hinata felt like a little puppy, trailing after a big dog incessantly, even after being kicked away. but kageyama hadn’t said anything, and hinata hadn’t said anything either, and it was all so wrong.
“kageyama, found you,” hinata breathed, having run up three flights of stairs to catch up to him.
kageyama startled, looking up from where he sat leaning against the wall, chin rested on his palm. “hinata, why are you here?”
“why am i here?” hinata’s face was getting warm with hurt, and the breeze billowing past his head and ruffling his hair was not helping him keep his composure. “because you’re avoiding me! we always eat lunch together, usually...”
“well, this isn’t ‘usually’, okay?” kageyama snapped, face equally flushed.
“why?” hinata cried. “what happened? why did we change?”
kageyama stood up to stare at him with anguish, “come on hinata,” he pleaded, “you can’t seriously not know,”
hinata shook his head, “what the hell are you talking about, kageyama? you keep acting like everything’s obvious! and i hate this!” he stomped his foot. he couldn’t help getting worked up and mad.
“because, hinata, literally everyone can fucking tell that i love you, and i can’t handle being around your oblivious ass!” kageyama yelled back at him, and then caught himself, jaw snapping shut and face turning red.
they both froze. everything was still, except their uniforms, jostling merrily in the wind. hinata pulled his arms across his chest self consciously, because oh, oh.
“you can’t mean that.”
“i do! you’re just too stupid to see it!”
“if i’m so stupid, then why do you love me?” hinata frowned.
“because i just—you—ugh! shut up, dumbass hinata.” kageyama frowned harder.
hinata felt like his heart was in his throat and his stomach was in his legs. what was this feeling?
“kageyama.” his voice shocked him; he sounded so still.
“yeah?” for once, kageyama sounded nervous.
“i, um,” fuck, he didn’t know where he was going with this. it was his first confession...it wasn’t anything like how he’d imagined it. if possible, it was the exact opposite. he couldn’t believe kageyama just confessed to him, and meant it.
kageyama couldn’t seem to be able to handle his silence. “i’m sorry, okay. i know this is a shitty confession, and i’m useless at the romance stuff.” he looked so sad that hinata wished he could hug him. but...not like that.
“i didn’t even mean to say it. i didn’t want to tell you. i never wanted to see you make that face.”
“hey...” hinata murmured, desperate to comfort him, “you shouldn’t have regrets.” it was probably the worst thing he could have said. or something.
“hinata,” kageyama’s voice cracked, alive with a new desperation, “please,” he gritted his teeth, “please...don’t leave me alone. i always knew you didn’t feel that way, but, please, just feel the same.”
hinata bit his lip. why did he feel like he was going to cry? he really wanted to cry. “i...i don’t really know what to say, kageyama...” he tried to step a little closer, he wanted to desperately to put his arms around his friend and make it all go away.
“don’t know what’s gotten into me,” kageyama scrubbed roughly at his eyes, “i never had expectations. i’m...sorry hinata, i’m the dumbass, not you.”
it was bad if he was saying that, hinata thought, tugging harshly at his sleeve. “please don’t cry.”
kageyama crumpled against his shorter form, hitting his forehead against hinata’s shoulder. “please, hinata,” he begged again.
“i’m sorry...!” hinata felt himself tearing up, too. he hated this feeling. he hated it.
"hinata..." kageyama was babbling now, and he never did that. he raised his head just a little higher, until he was at hinata's level, "please." he was close; too close, and hinata was beginning to lose his breath. kageyama was moving even closer, and hinata could hardly concentrate on the fact that one of his hands was pressing against hinata's hips. he couldn't breathe, this wasn't happening. but at the same time it was, it was, and kageyama was kissing him now, pressing his lips hard onto hinata's, and he thought maybe he could bear it just for kageyama's sake, but then kageyama was opening his mouth against hinata's, and he could feel a tongue, pressing desperately against the seam of his lips, and the hand was slipping lower, and he didn't think he could do this—
hinata shoved him backwards as hard as he could. kageyama was looking at him, still dazed, but then his body caught up to his brain and his eyes widened. (hinata thought it was strange to see him looking so bewildered.) his face was flushed, and his eyes were huge and apologetic. "hinata...i-i'm sorry, i didn't mean to," he stammered, looking even more nervous than hinata had ever seen him.
but hinata couldn't bear to even be angry at him, seeing his embarrassed scowl set on his face, and the way his eyes glistened more than usual, so he told him, "no, kageyama, it's—don't do that again, but it's okay." he felt like he had to do something, anything, but his muscles seemed to be frozen in place, and he could still feel the ghost of a press on his lips. kageyama's head dropped back down on his shoulder, hands shoved into his pockets, silently saying, please let me stay like this, just for a minute. hinata couldn't tell him no.
“i could change your mind,” kageyama murmured, and hinata wished more than anything in this moment for that to be true. he hated this feeling. this was all wrong, and he’d been so stupid. so stupid. kageyama was wrong, because this wasn’t his fault at all.
hinata ignored his words. “i’m here,” he whispered, and couldn’t help feeling like it was a lie.