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her violence scares others
the breadth of it the width of it the fire and the passion of it
but not me
they see a monster warped and screaming with a taste and penchant for death
they see something they can’t define they can’t control
i see a woman who has had her fill of human’s words and is tired of the blood from their lips turning her red too
her violence impassions me emboldens me intoxicates me
i want to create a world where she no longer needs it where she doesn’t have to hide in an abandoned ship because people will see her anger as hatred towards humans rather than fear of them
whether this world is carved by words of peace or painted in the blood of our oppressors with her violence lingering on my lips like a kiss i will create it
her shoulders hold pain like connor’s hold memories like simons hold guilt like mine carry the revolution and like atlas’ carry the world
i sometimes imagine reaching over to take her weight and add it to mine
to give her my shoulders for whatever she needs even if the weight might kill me
but i can’t
so today it will be enough that i am allowed to reach out and touch
allowed to trace my fingertips along her skin and feel the flutter of her heart through the beautiful expanse of her back
it has to be enough
today i will be enough
they don’t see how i could love her
because i supposedly am love and peace and forgiveness while she is hate and violence and death
as if love and hate aren’t different sides of the same coin
as if my hands have never trembled on the trigger of a gun
they don’t see the fear and desperation suffering and pain
they don’t see the way she smiles at simon teases josh loves me
they don’t see how i could love her
but how could i love anyone else?
my lover contains a world
that she lets me see it is a miracle that i am allowed to know her is the greatest gift i have ever received
i know she is more than anger and violence
and that the colour of her is more purple than red
though her knuckles are red with the blood of monsters and her passion is so bright it burns
she is tinted blue with bravery and kindness and blood running down a chin from a broken nose
her world is not kind or just calm or steady
it is pain suffering dirty words dirtier hands a love so deep it hurts
and it is beautiful
wanting is her is painful
her kisses taste like a brush with death and her touch feels like a knife between the ribs
through her i have felt pain through her i have learned mortality and immortality
my hands feel like they were made to rest on her waist like they have no purpose other than to steady her to warm her to feel her
sometimes my desire feels so immense i can’t quite make out the edges of it
and i am terrified
terrified that this is going to kill me
terrified that this is going to kill her
but like the earth revolves the sun like gravity presses us to the ground like the deer dies to the wolf
i love her
they think she is my anger
that she is the violence in my fists and the hatred in my eyes
they think that if she were gone then things would be different
they’re right
not because she is my violence anger hatred but because she is my drive my passion my love
if they think they know fury they are wrong
if they touch her
i will kill them
her memories live under my skin like another life like another set of scars
i have memories of hands of lips of words of fear
they hurt but more than that they’re a reminder that she trusts me
i’m glad to have her pain her suffering her nightmares
because it means she has mine
it means i live under her skin too
she gets to remember painting listening to the birds in the morning laughing with carl reading shakespeare
i gave her my life
there is no greater gift i can think of to give
it doesn’t matter where i am in the end
i am never alone
she has never left me
taking her life doesn’t feel as wrong as it should
it doesn’t feel like violence
it doesn’t feel like death
it feels like forgiveness mercy victory
love. it feels like love.
her kiss is still soft on my lips leading me back to her
i will always go back to her
i have known death only through her eyes mind heart soul
and i am not afraid to join her
but our fight cannot
our fight will not
because if there is no fight then she died for nothing
if there is no fight then she died only for me and i do not deserve that
her heart her fight her passion beats in my chest
so i fight for the only thing i’ve ever wanted more than her
but still before i take a moment to press my lips to hers and pretend that they’re still warm that she’s still alive that nothing’s wrong that it’s just
us
if i am going to die i am going to die with her lips pressed to mine
because i love her and when our minds are one from the press of our palms i know that she loves me
josh and simon stand behind us and i wish they were a little closer so i might spend my last moments with them too
but in the end i am selfish and i just want to be with my north
the time ive been alive is short and im not so good at wanting things but wanting her comes as easy as the words to my lips in my speeches or the
it comes as easy as needing to be free
if this will be our final testament then i want it to be one of love
i want to show them that they were wrong they are wrong and they will always be wrong
that they are not killing servants or machines or slaves they are killing people children brothers friends lovers
love
they are killing love