Chapter Text
It had been stupid.
Obviously, it wasn’t the first time he had let his impulses pull him through it —they were so strong that normally they were what distinguished him from the other people, with no distinction of if his actions had resulted in a positive outcome or a total disaster. But that, oh, that that he ended up doing by more than mere impulsiveness, by more than mere instinct, was the most embarrassing thing that had happened to him in all his existence.
“Keith.”
He tensed, freezing in the hall, and he discarded the automatic instinct to fight or fly, to run away, his wish to have an incident-less night now impossible and far away from him.
“Can I talk to you?”
He looked down, thinking.
There was nothing he could do, because running away from this was useless. But now he had an enormous need to go back to see Lotor, although he knew doing it wouldn’t help him at all with him unconscious in the healing pod.
He couldn’t stop recalling what had happened in the last hour —the deep look from Lotor before closing his eyes behind the crystal; the subtle touch from his hand through his black hair when he helped him get to Coran’s arms in the medical bay; the blush darkening his cheeks while his eyes avoided his so nervously; the uncomfortable silence that had settled over them whilst going to the castle.
He wasn’t ready to afront whatever Shiro would tell him, but he still nodded, hearing his steps approach and stop beside him.
And before trailing his steps in the hallway, he tried not to look over his shoulder to the medical bay’s closed door, where Lotor would stay during the night. What he couldn’t help, though, was remembering the warmth that his impulses had pushed him to get from him.
Keith had kissed Lotor.
Lotor corresponded.
Keith was surprised, although Lotor’s feelings for Keith had been pretty obvious; he had been flirting with him and annoying in so many different ways, only making him more conscious of his presence and his own repressed feelings. But he thought all the flirts and tease had been only that: stupid ways to draw his attention, to annoy him and make him clumsy.
He didn’t think Lotor would act on them. The caresses and deliberate touches, as much as the attentive stares and the way to pronounce his name, were nuisances to Keith, because they distracted him with his own emotions about it. The desire for something more was too intense in his chest, and it was difficult to ignore, to say little.
And Keith hadn’t thought of acting on them, if he was being honest. Keith wasn’t the type to show his feelings with ease after so many years having to hide them for his own wellbeing. If Keith had a crush, or a simple, tiny liking for a person, he wouldn’t go directly to stablish contact with them because he couldn’t have his feelings so tenderly free on the surface with the uncertainty that he would get hurt again. He had thought that Lotor would get bored eventually and would stop looking for him. And that it would be a matter of time for Keith to forget what Lotor caused in his heart with a single glance.
But, of course, he wasn’t counting with the sudden attack and battle, with the regretful look from Lotor, with his egoistic actions and delicate touch. He wasn’t counting on flattery being half conscious, nor mumbled apologies against his skin with shame, although not about the kiss itself. He wasn’t counting on reciprocity, one so deeply ingrained that tied up the loose threads in his heart, shaping and naming his emotions.
He wasn’t counting on his impulsivity making him confess things he himself denied in his insides.
Keith had kissed Lotor and Lotor corresponded.
And Shiro had saw them.
“What happened out there?”
The door from his room wasn’t even completely closed when Shiro had already shot the first question, and Keith had startled, not expecting it to be so vague. He didn’t know if simply answering with the truth was the best way to escape from that, but he knew that he couldn’t break free from it by mere ignorance.
“I... uh...”
A few minutes of silence passed, Keith opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. Shiro huffed, shaking his head, and passed his right hand through his hair, the black polymer fingers contrasting with the white of his fluff.
“Or, at least, could you tell what was... that ?”
Keith blinked, following Shiro’s hand movement in the direction to where the medical bay was, and he still didn’t know what to answer.
“I’m so confused,” Shiro said with a laugh that disappeared a second later, and he brought his hand to his forehead, “I don’t even know what I’m asking.”
Keith stayed silent. Because answering that it was a kiss would just sound petulant and would embarrass him more than he was already.
“Do you have something with Lotor?”
He felt his skin crawl unpleasantly at the question, resisting the urge to deny it with all his energy. Automatically, his fists tightened in his sides and his shoulders tensed up, his eyes still lost on the ground.
He couldn’t answer that. He couldn’t reveal all the insecurity he had been feeling about Lotor; an insecurity so different from the insecurity the rest of the Coalition felt for the Galra prince. It was ridiculous, really, because, if Keith was to tell someone about all his love issues, that someone would be Shiro. But now they were in the middle of a war, and Lotor wasn’t the most trustworthy ally with having being his enemy before and the lack of certainty that he wouldn’t be an enemy on the future.
And if all that hadn’t happened, maybe Keith could’ve been able to look over all those months of Lotor and his deliberate actions to draw his attention and he wouldn’t have felt hurt by being lied to, by being so stupid to believe him and so naïve to have fallen in love with him.
Wait. Love ?
“Keith.”
He mouthed, his heartbeat hitting deafeningly on his ears, and he shook his head, a bit desperate.
“It’s not...” he mumbled below his breath, not even knowing what he was going to say, “It’s not what it looks like.”
They were silent for a moment, the poor excuse resonating in his mind with mockery. And hearing Shiro sigh slowly made him feel even worse.
“And what is what it looks like, Keith?” he asked, softly, as if speaking any louder could make Keith fall apart like a pile of salt, “That... you were...”
He cleared his throat instead of saying it as it is, and Keith was so grateful of it.
“And there’s no way I could misunderstand what I saw, right?”
Keith swallowed thickly, still staring at the ground. He couldn’t endure the defrauded tone that appeared on his voice. He couldn’t look at him in the eyes and find them darkened with deception.
He was terrified of disappointing Shiro, of all people.
“Keith, look at me.”
He bit his lower lip, preparing himself up for the worst, and he looked up with caution, surprised when he found only worry in Shiro’s expression. A bit of relief smoothed out his frown when Keith looked at him, and he reached for Keith’s shoulder with his flesh hand, squeezing it.
“Just...” he said with doubt, apparently not knowing how to say it, but after taking a breath the determination returned to his eyes, “Be careful, Keith. If you were hurt by this, I...”
Keith frowned, comprehending what he was saying without the need of words, and he rushed to shake his head, denying it once again.
“I-it’s not... It isn’t like that, Shiro. I promise.”
Shiro’s mouth twisted in a grimace, and Keith felt dismayed.
“I hope so,” he said without inhibition, his eyes getting lost somewhere above Keith’s shoulder and his face darkening in something unreadable, “Lotor isn’t trustworthy, Keith. I wouldn’t want-”
“It’s not,” he interrupted quickly, stepping away from him and making his hand hover in the sudden space between them, “It’s not like- I just- He's- It's not.”
He blinked hard at the ground, his breathing short and fast, and his heart beating strongly against his ribcage, wanting to refute everything that fell from his mouth.
He couldn’t-
“Keith-”
“I need to take a shower,” he said, turning to the closet to take a change of clothes, obviously trying to end the conversation, “It was a rough day and we both need to rest, Shiro.”
He hugged the change of clothes to his chest, not wanting to move to the bathroom or turn to Shiro when he was still standing there, watching him carefully. It was too much. The ticks that passed felt infinite to him, and Shiro finally sighed, defeated.
“Okay,” he said in low voice, his steps going to the door, “Good night, Keith.”
The sound of the door closing made echo in the silence, different to all the noise that was happening inside his head.
He took a quick shower and prepared to go to sleep almost automatically, his mind overwhelming him and his heart burdening him. He fell to the bed and cuddled up to his pillow, staring intently at the wall beside the bed for hours trying to distract himself with the lines in the steel.
When the morning alarm went off in his PADD, his eyes tired and heavy after not being able to sleep all night, he realized something important.
He couldn’t go on like this.