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Mac never really dealt with Jack leaving; he simply bottled up the emotions and stored them as far away from the front of his mind as possible. They continued piling up, but the strain of Charlie’s death and losing trust in his potentially dying father was causing the bottles to crack.
When he woke up, he felt empty and on the verge of a breakdown simultaneously. He didn’t want to deal with any of it now. It was a Saturday morning, and he just wanted to relax. However, his mind had other plans.
Pena died because you didn’t go into that building. It should have been you in that building. That bomb was for you. He is dead because of you, and you couldn’t find The Ghost for years.
Don’t forget Charlie. Charlie who fell down to his death in an elevator because you couldn’t save him. You couldn’t save him from a situation you are trained to save him from. You couldn’t save him, and now you can’t even find Mason.
Your dad is dying, and you can’t do anything about it. You’ve tried to research, but you can’t bring yourself to understand any of it. He’s going to die because you aren’t working hard enough. It’s going to be another life-or-death problem that the famous MacGyver can’t solve. Do you even care anymore? He betrayed your trust, and now you’re just not going to talk to him? He’s going to die, and you’ll never have forgiven him. He’s going to die. You’ll have another death on your hands.
You have no one to cry to either. Jack’s gone. You nearly ruined your relationship with him, and he still forgave you. Then he left you. He’s gone. Everyone else has their own problems. Desi uprooted her life for you, Matty found and lost her husband, Bozer was nearly blown up, and Riley was cheated on. They don’t need your problems. You have no shoulder to cry into, but you could deal with this yourself. Jack’s gone. He won’t know. You can binge. You can eat your thoughts and feelings away. It’s been months. Matty won’t suspect a thing. No one will notice.
He went through the motions of getting dressed, going for a run, eating breakfast with Bozer, and making an excuse to leave. He ended up in the parking lot of the gas station. He picked up his usual: barbeque chips, almonds, honey buns, ice cream, and soda. He also grabbed a frozen pizza, instant cup noodles, and a bag of pretzels.
He couldn’t bring himself to care about the cashier’s potential reaction. He barely listened to what the middle-aged woman had to say; he just handed her the money he owed, grabbed his bag, and returned home.
Mac was confused when he returned to an empty house until he remembered Bozer was going out with Leanna and Riley. Bozer had invited him, but he declined. He hadn’t been going out much with his friends recently. He didn’t think he’d be much fun to be around, but he, of course, never told them that. He merely said he was busy with a big project. They believed the lie or at least didn’t care.
He dropped the bag of food off before slipping his running shoes on again. Maybe he could avoid binging if he ran for a while. Distracting himself was something Jack always recommended.
The run didn’t help. His thoughts bombarded him with insults and reminders of his failures and selfishness.
You should be spending time with them. What if they need you? Bozer nearly died, and you’re practically ignoring him! A good friend would put on a smile and have fun with their friends instead of running and stuffing themself with junk food. They could die, and you wouldn’t be able to remember the last time you spent time with them. You’re selfish. You only care about your own feelings. You don’t know how to solve things, and your kill count of your friends is going to grow because of that. Just give in and gorge yourself. You already spent the money. You don’t want that to go to waste.
After returning home and showering, the rest of the day was a blur of misery. He put on a show for background noise and settled on the couch. He binged and threw up twice before finding a more effective way to deal with everything. He ate until the discomfort from his bloated stomach turned into pain.
He welcomed the pain as physical pain was easier to deal with than emotional pain. Physical pain typically had a clear, defined cause with a clear, defined remedy. He didn’t know how to fix emotional pain, and he didn’t think he could handle failing to find yet another solution.
Whenever the painful fullness abated, he ate more until the feeling returned. It was simple and easy, and it kept his mind in a pleasant daze. He wasn’t focusing on his problems anymore. All that existed was his body and the food going into it.
His hand was in the bag of chips when someone knocked on the door. The door swung open, and he practically jumped off the couch.
“Desi? What are you doing here?”
“People were concerned, and it’s kinda my job to make sure you don’t die or anything,” she answered coolly before plopping down on the couch. “No offence, but you look like shit.”
He rolled his eyes and mumbled, “Thanks.”
You’re wearing ripped jeans and an old, stained shirt. You’re bloated, and your face is still probably puffy. This is definitely how you woo someone. Just get her out of here. It’s not like she wants to be here anyway. Get her out before you completely break.
“I’m fine by the way.” She cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. “Look, it’s not a great time. I’m kinda busy.”
“Busy doing what? Watching Netflix and binging on junk food?” His cringe didn’t go unnoticed. “I thought you were like a health nut.”
Ha, you and healthy is an oxymoron.
“I’m really not,” he responded, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from her.
“Clearly.” Desi snapped her head over to Mac when she heard a quiet whine. “Mac?” He buried his fingers in his hair. Two red, scratched knuckles stood out amongst the pale skin and blonde hair. “MacGyver, what the hell did you do?”
“Nothing. I am fine. Just please leave.”
“Why so you can make yourself throw up?” She asked, hoping that he would appear confused. She hoped that her suspicion was wrong.
“Leave.” There was no denial; Mac knew she wasn’t stupid.
She stood up, shocked. “I have to tell Matty. You could be a liability—”
He interrupted, “She already knows.”
“And she didn’t do anything?”
“She thought it was once… Look, I’m not getting into this.” His hands were shaking, and he was refusing to look at her.
“Yes, you are. It is my job to make sure that the team is safe. If you’re hiding an eating disorder from the team, you could be a danger, especially if you’re not dealing with it, and based on this”—she gestured to the wrappers and food all over the table—”I have some doubts that you are.”
“Leave me alone. You don’t know what’s going on,” he griped. His jaw was clenched, and his fingers pulled at his hair.
“Then tell me, and don’t pull your hair out. Details may keep Matty from benching you from missions.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“I have to tell Matty.”
“You don’t,” he argued.
“Mac—”
“What? What are you going to say? I know I’m bulimic. I know it’s disgusting. I know I’m disgusting. I feel disgusting. I haven’t done this in months, but everything’s falling apart. Jack’s gone. My dad’s dying, and I can’t stand being around him. I watched Charlie die. I can’t deal with this. I don’t know… I don’t…” His breath occasionally hitched during the ramble that dissolved into incoherent mumbles.
Desi couldn’t see if there were tears behind the long bangs hanging in front of his face, but she was pretty sure there were. She honestly didn’t know what to do. She hadn’t expected to get close to the Phoenix team. She was merely sent to make sure the team, but Mac especially, didn’t die during a mission. She didn’t expect to be alone with him on a couch while he was on the brink of tears. Comfort wasn’t her strong suit, but she had to do something.
“Do you need a hug?” Her question was barely more than a whisper.
She wasn’t sure Mac even heard it until he whispered back, “I’m gross right now.”
“I didn’t ask you about that. I asked if you needed a hug.”
She took his shrug as affirmative and scooted closer to him. After a moment of hesitation, she wrapped her arms around him. She heard the sniffles and felt how he was shaking.
“You can’t bottle all of this up. You need to grieve.” It was if he needed permission because right after she said that, he wrapped his arms around her and allowed himself to audibly cry into her shoulder. He mumbled a muffled apology.
She held him tighter and murmured in his ear, “You’re okay. I’ve got you. You’re not alone, Mac. You’ve got the whole team, and we’re gonna help you.”
“Thank you.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Granted, I didn’t think I’d get this attached.” They both chuckled, and Mac lifted one arm to wipe his eyes. “We’ll talk to Matty together. We’ll get you some help, okay?”
Every second seemed like an eternity, but eventually Mac’s crying slowed. Neither made an attempt to escape the hug.
“Okay.”