Work Text:
you're the feeling i can’t put down
*
The first time it happened, Bam thought it was a dream.
On good days, he lays awake, reminiscing and smiling about the days of the tower. On good days, he remembers the touch of Khun's hand on his hair, of Khun's warmth around him, of Khun's eyes directed at him. On good days, he remembers joking with Rak and Shibisu, going on shopping dates with the Princess Endorsi and training with Yuri. On good days, he remembers the warmth and smiles of his friends—of the people, of the family he found in the tower. On good days, Bam thinks, as he reminiscences their faces, ah everything you need is really found at the top of the tower.
On bad days, he remembers all of the threats and the nightmares of his friends dying one by one, remembers the pain he suffered when he was with FUG, remembers the ache when he sees the Hand of Arlene collapse and Khun presumably dead. On bad days, nightmares plague him and his friends die one by one on his hand in front of him.
On worse days, he remembers all the good times with his friends—Khun and Rak bickering in one corner, Shibisu giving Endorsi a cup of iced tea, Hatz training with Laure on his back—he remembers it all and thinks of how he can't have it in this life. Sometimes, he thinks that life hates him. How was he supposed to explain why he had all the memories of his friends—of the people he had grown to consider family but they don't know anything about him?
Sometimes, Bam wishes it was all a dream.
He wishes he could tell them. He sees Hwaryun and Wangnan every day—wishes he could tell them of how much he was glad they were by his side, wishes he could ask them if they remember everything they went through together, wishes he could say thank you and I'm sorry for everything. He wishes they would remember him.
“Bam.” Hwaryun says from beside him, snapping her fingers in front of Bam's face. “You've been spacing out again.”
“Sorry.” Bam says, smiling. He stares at the television again, a sad smile appearing on his lips as he watches Endorsi and Yuri bicker on television. He misses them, misses when they were just meters apart from each other, misses when they were in Bam's circle, misses the adventures and the fun times together. More than anything, he wishes he could talk to them even just once.
“Sorry I'm late.” Wangnan slumps down on the seat beside him, worn out and tired. There’s huge bags under his eyes, his usual unkempt hair more disheveled than usual. “Did you get something for me?”
Hwaryun rolls her eyes but she pushes the plate of bulgogi towards Wangnan. Wangnan takes it with a grin, immediately stuffing himself as he looks up the large television in the restaurant. He turns to Bam before turning back on the television again and grins.
“Oh. Do you know them, Viole?” Wangnan asks, gesturing at Endorsi and Yuri on the screen.
“Who doesn't know them?” Hwaryun replies and to an extent, they were both right. There was no one living on Earth who didn't know who the Endorsi Jahad and Yuri Jahad was. Aside from the fact that they bore the Jahad name, Endorsi and Yuri were also famous for their modeling and acting stints, not to mention both of them were really strong and could decapitate trained bodyguards with only their bare hands which makes Bam smile whenever he thinks about it. Guess some things don't change. “And why were you so late? We were about to finish.”
Wangnan shrugs. “Student Government business. Our President is such a slave driver.”
“Be careful, he might hear you.” Hwaryun warns with a smirk on his face.
As if believing her words, Wangnan looks around, cautious and afraid. “Don’t say that. He has the hearing of an elephant, I swear to God. He’s a good president, keeps students in line, listens to the students and makes the problems easier for us to solve but he’s such a slave driver.”
“Aren’t people of the Ten Great Families usually like that?”
At Hwaryun’s words, Bam chokes. He punches his chest trying to keep his breathing even. Wangnan offers him a cup of water to which he shakes his head to, still punching his chest.
“You okay, Viole?” Hwaryun asks, tapping him on his back repeatedly. Sometimes, her words make him remember of quiet nights as Jyu Viole Grace, watching the night sky and hoping all his friends were safe. He had never been able to thank her for everything she had done for him and even though she claims it was for selfish reasons, she had still helped him despite of what she says her reasons might be.
“I’m fine.” Bam replies, once he has his composure and breathing back. He looks at Wangnan, gaze narrowing and searching. He did hear that right, didn’t he? “The head of the student government is a member of the Ten Great Families?”
“Seriously man, you don’t know this?”
“No,” Bam admits, smiling hesitantly. He scratches the back of his nape because honestly, that was a lapse on his part. He had never thought he’d meet someone from the Ten Great Families here and he had never put effort in knowing who was responsible for running the student body. “I went only to one assembly and that was for the Med Department because it was mandatory.”
“Really?” Wangnan chuckles. “It’s a miracle you don’t know him. Girls from every department talk about him a lot. Maybe it’s the hair or the eyes but don’t let him fool you Khun—”
Bam chokes, for the second time. Hwaryun throws him a funny look while Wangnan stops, brows creased in confusion as he hands Bam another cup of water.
“Seriously man, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Bam nods, wiping the excess water dripping from his mouth. He turns to Wangnan. He knows he shouldn’t expect anything but Bam has missed Khun so much. He had tried to get information on the internet about him but there was nothing and Bam isn’t even surprise seeing the huge scandal about the Khun family. “Did you say Khun? Khun Aguero Agnis?”
Wangnan nods and it makes Bam’s heart hammer on his chest. “I thought you didn’t know him?”
“I—”
How was he supposed to tell them? I don’t know him but we were friends in our past lives, yeah as if that’s going to go well. How was he supposed to tell them that even if he tried, he couldn’t forget Khun? There was no way to forget his eyes which Bam always felt like he was drowning whenever they meet each other’s gaze. There was no way to forget the way he meticulously and carefully he styles his hair every morning. There was no way to forget the way his mouth curved up in amusement when dishing out sarcastic quips. There was no way for Bam to forget the support Khun had always given him—no matter what, no matter when, no matter why; Khun was always there for Bam.
“I don’t.” Bam settles on that answer. Not in this life anyway. Not anymore. “I heard some people talking about him.”
Unconsciously, it makes Bam smile. Of course Khun had to be the head of the Student Government. He wouldn’t expect anything less. It was Khun, after all.
He misses the easy way Khun would be able to command the room with his words, misses the days when Khun would stare at the space strategizing and strategizing until he can make sure that everybody would be safe, misses when Bam felt like there wasn’t any obstacle he couldn’t triumph with Khun by his side. With Khun, everything felt possible. With Khun, Bam felt like he would be able to conquer the world if he wanted to.
He misses him.
“Viole, you okay?” Wangnan says, snapping his fingers in front of Bam’s face. He looks worried and it takes Bam back when they were part of the Sweet and Sour team and Wangnan would look over Viole with worry knowing that his friends would be killed one by one if he fails to go up the tower. It makes Bam think of quiet nights where Wangnan stares at the team with worry and masking them with cheerfulness when the morning comes. It makes him think of Wangnan doing everything he can in his power to save Horyang. “Viole, you’re spacing out again.”
“Sorry.” Bam shakes his head, snapping himself out of his reverie. There was no point in dwelling on this things—Wangnan doesn’t remember him. “I’m fine. Just tired. Was up all night studying for a test.”
“Yeah yeah prodigy of the Med Dept.” Wangnan scrunches his nose before he stuffs his mouth with another piece of meat, talking to Hwaryun about a platform they were planning to do for the year.
He misses when everyone was within his reach.
He misses the quiet nights and loud mornings.
He misses the adventures as they go up floor by floor.
He misses all of them.
‘Hey Khun. In another life, do we meet each other?’
‘Maybe,’ Khun hums. ‘Maybe not.’
‘Hey—’
‘But I will try to find you.’ Khun’s voice is nothing but honest, eyes staring directly at Bam’s with determination, as if he would break down worlds just for them to meet each other again. ‘And maybe in some lifetimes, I won’t but there would be a feeling of emptiness in me if you aren’t there. I’d always return to you.’
‘Then,’ Bam smiles at him. ‘We’ll just promise to find each other in every lifetime.’
The first time Bam sees Khun again, he wishes he didn’t.
Sometimes, Bam curses the day he started remembering his past life. There are some days where it’s bearable, when the memories keeps the loneliness at bay and stops his mind from circling into dark thoughts. Some days, the memories help his demons and it’s rearing on his head echoing you’ll never have it again, your so-called friends don’t remember you, you’re alone again—and it doesn’t help when he sees his friends and he can’t see a flicker of recognition in their eyes.
He doesn’t think there would be something more painful than those memories and knowing he won’t have it in this life.
But seeing Khun again, laughing and talking to people is a different kind of ache—like somebody had reattached his limbs without anesthesia and Bam had to endure the pain of it all.
He’s so close, close, close and Bam reaches out wanting to talk to him, wanting to have Khun’s eyes on him again but—
Khun turns around and he meets Bam’s gaze. He looks surprised as if he wasn’t expecting someone behind him staring at him so intently but what makes Bam stop, nibble his lower lip and clench his fist tight enough to draw blood was that there was no ounce of recognition on Khun’s face.
Of course. Bam stares at the ground, unable to look at Khun any longer. Why did I think it was going to be different with him?
“Viole!” Wangnan grins, waving at him. He pushes his chair, immediately going towards Bam. He grabs the bag on Bam’s shoulders, throwing him an apologetic look. “Sorry man, I thought I had it with me.”
“How could you forget a bag, Wangnan?” Khun’s voice cuts in, rolling his eyes at Wangnan. “How are you my vice-president again?”
“Hey! You love me, you fucking bastard.”
“Debatable.” Khun deadpans before he turns to Bam smiling. It’s not the smile Khun gives to Bam when they’re alone, no it’s the fake smile he plasters on his face when meeting someone new, shallow and superficial and it’s so different from the genuine, soft yet small smile Khun used to throw his way when they were alone. “You’re Bam right? The prodigy of the Med Department?”
“I am.” Bam nods, still unable to look at Khun directly in the eyes. He doesn’t even want to question how Khun knew him, for some reason, it was so like Khun. “Bam Viole Grace.”
Khun reaches out his hand. “Khun Aguero Agnis.”
I know. Bam wants to say but he nods and shakes Khun’s hand. It makes him remember the soft touches, the accidental ones, the comforting hand on his shoulder, the hands cupping his face and—
“Bam?”
Bam snaps out of his reverie, feeling like someone had grabbed his heart out of his chest and stomped on it for good measure. He can’t do this, not right now. He can’t look at Khun and not remember the words Khun whispers at night when everything was quiet and their walls were down. He can’t face him and not remember the boy who had Bam’s back no matter what. He can’t face him and not remember the person who held him until he was able to hold himself together.
Bam can’t do it. Not right now. “Sorry. I’ll be going now. I’ll see you later, Wangnan.”
“Bam—”
Before Wangnan can ask, Bam bolts out of the Student Government Office. He leaves without looking back, unable to look at Khun any longer.
He misses the narrow and calculating look Khun throws at his back as he leaves.
‘Hey Khun. Have you ever been selfish?’
Laughter. ‘What do you mean, Bam? You should know I’m always selfish.’
‘No. I meant, have you ever been selfish with me?’
Silence. He sees Khun fidget on his earrings. ‘What’s with the sudden question?’
‘Supposedly, if I told you I like you—’
Bam’s studying his lecture notes when he feels someone sit in front of him, staring at his face. Bam looks up, ready to tell the stranger off because he needs peace and quiet and he hasn’t studied last night because he kept thinking of Khun thank you very much, when the stranger speaks.
“You looked lonely.” The stranger—well, Khun says sipping what Bam thinks is coffee. He’s not really sure if Khun hates coffee or if Khun just hated Hansung’s coffee before. “Mind if I sit here?”
“No.” Bam shakes his head. “Besides, I don’t think I can stop you anyway.”
And I don’t really want you to leave. His traitorous mind whispers. He knows there’s a lot of chairs available in the café. It wasn’t rush hour and it was mildly deserted so Khun wanted to sit with him then.
“Medicine, huh.” Khun whispers, still looking at Bam. “I thought—”
“You thought?”
“Nothing.” Khun shakes his head. “But it’s fitting for you.”
Khun chuckles, lips quirking up in amusement. He doesn’t say anything else so Bam goes back to reading his notes but honestly, he knew it was a lost cause the moment he met Khun’s eyes. He’s too focused on Khun, too accustomed to his movements—the quiet shuffle of his papers, the methodological tapping on the table with his pen, the way Khun arches his brow and the way his eyes narrow, sharp and focused and it reminds him of Khun confidently commanding everyone in the battlefield, looking for holes and flaws of the opponent, calculating the fastest and safest route—
At the same time, the silence stretching between them reminds him of the nights where they would wordlessly be by each other’s side, back to back offering each other comfort. It reminds him of nights where Bam couldn’t sleep because of a nightmare and Khun was always there, not speaking yet still making Bam feel more secure. It reminds Bam of the nights under the shared blankets just looking at each other, assessing every change and every injury they couldn’t during the day.
“And here we were wondering what made you ditch us,” A new voice pipes up and Bam knows that voice. He knows who it is without even turning his chair. In front of him, Khun rolls his eyes, clearly exasperated. “So, you’ve got a date and you didn’t even tell us? Low blow, man. I thought we were friends.”
“You know very well that this isn’t a date.” Khun rolls his eyes, putting the documents on the table. “I’m not cheap enough to bring my work during dates.”
Shibisu snorts. Bam smiles bitterly as he tries to focus on his notes. Khun’s in front of him and Shibisu’s right there and he wants so much but he can’t—he can’t because they don’t remember him.
So this was how it’s like to lose your family again. They were right. It never does get easier.
“Ah, so that’s student council business.” Shibisu says. “Well, don’t let me interrupt your not-date. I just want to say hi. Hatz is probably waiting for me anyway.”
Khun waves, a mischievous smirk on his face. “Good luck on your date.”
“It’s not a date!” He hears Shibisu shout before he hears the café doors open and close and Khun chuckles before shaking his head.
Bam looks up and his breathing hitches when he stares at Khun. Even before, he knew Khun was objectively attractive. There were a lot of times when Bam finds himself staring at Khun, marveling on how attractive he was. But looking at Khun now—looking out the glass window, completely relaxed and contented with Bam’s presence as he sips his coffee, all Bam can focus on is him. Khun, who looks ethereal, as the brightness in the room makes his eyes deeper and Bam feels like drowning looking at the deepness of Khun’s eyes and he doesn’t even want to come up for air. Bam wonders if his hair is as soft as before or if Khun would hum contentedly, closing his eyes looking like a porcelain doll when Bam runs his fingers through his hair. He has seen Khun in different outfits, has seen him in less but there was something entirely different to Khun wearing a turtleneck that contrasts his pale skin and it makes Bam’s heart hammer against his chest.
Then, Khun turns to him, blue eyes meeting his golden ones and if Bam was drowning before, he is sinking now, sinking into the bottom depths of the ocean that is Khun’s eyes and he wants to stay. “Bam?”
“I’m sorry.” Bam swallows, immediately looking away. He gathers his things hastily, stuffing them on his bag. He’s about to reach for his notes on the table when a hand clasps around his wrist, stopping him. He looks up and he knows he’s unable to keep the emotions out of his face and maybe that’s the only reason why Khun’s grasp loosens and it takes every ounce of Bam to pull away. “I’ve got class. I’ll see you later, Khun.”
I’m sorry. He repeats, smiling sadly at Khun’s figure once he was outside. I can’t do this, not right now. I can’t look at you and pretend I don’t know what it’s like to touch you. I can’t pretend not to miss you. I can’t pretend—
Bam takes a deep breath.
I can’t pretend I don’t love you.
*
When he sees Khun again, he wishes he hadn’t.
“You look like hell.” Wangnan says, as soon as he sees Bam, brow arching up in surprise. “You shouldn’t have come.”
“I’ve got tests.” Bam shrugs but honestly, he really feels like hell. “Didn’t want to miss it since Professor Evankhell doesn’t give any considerations.”
“You should go home and sleep, Viole.” Hwaryun says, placing her hand against Bam’s forehead. She hisses before staring him down. “You look like you’re about to fall down.”
“I’m fine.” Bam says and the words that comes tumbling out of his mouth are familiar. How many times did he say that when they were going up the floors? How many times had he forced himself to say that when he was Viole and his only choice was to go up so that his friends won’t get killed? How many nights did he whisper that to himself when he wakes up from a nightmare?
“You’re not.” Hwaryun deadpans before she places her arm on Bam’s and makes him stand up. “C’mon, I’m bringing you home.”
“I can walk.” Bam says and coughs slightly. “I still have my coordination.”
“Fine. But you’re going home.” Hwaryun snaps but she slows her steps down in order to match Bam’s.
“Miss Hwaryun.” Bam says, breaking the silence between them. Students file in and out of the gates and the noise from everyone make Bam’s head throb in pain. “What would you do if someone you know from the past comes back?”
“Oh? Is the Bitch back?” Hwaryun says, voice monotone but Bam could hear the resentment when she says Rachel’s name. “Don’t tell me you’re going to get yourself fooled again.”
“It’s not her.” Bam shakes his head. “I just… don’t know what to do. Everything he does reminds me of the past and I can’t handle it but I also want to spend more time with him. Isn’t it weird?”
Hwaryun shakes her head. “It’s not. It’s all right to miss them, you know. You can’t handle it because it reminds you so much of the past. Let the past go, Viole. It would only tie you down. How are you supposed to go through life if you keep hanging on to the past?”
“I suppose that’s true.” Bam sighs. He feels his eyelids drop. His head hurts.
“If you want to spend time with them again,” Hwaryun looks at him, probably analyzing his words to pinpoint who he was referring to. “Face them in the present, Viole.”
His head is throbbing and heavy. He feels warm, like his whole body was set on fire and he feels as if he’s going to fall face-first any second from now. He turns his head when he sees a familiar shade of blue and oh—
He’s with her. Khun has never fully told him what happened but he does remember Khun talking about her, talking about choosing her over his sister, about choosing her over his family and how—
Bam shouldn’t feel like this, not when he’s been avoiding Khun so much but it still enough to make his eyesight wobbly. He averts his gaze, not wanting to see Khun look at her like he used to look at him, not wanting to see Khun soft touches like he used to with him, not wanting to see Khun fall in love right before his very eyes.
“Yeah.” Bam mutters slowly but his head is swimming and his thoughts are blurry and all he wants to do is sleep.
I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m so tired.
He hears Hwaryun shout his name but before he can reply, his body had already given up on him.
When Bam comes to, he hears two familiar voices talking in the distance. He feels better, more like my head is splitting in two rather than I feel like the world came crashing down on my shoulders.
He groans.
“Bam?”
Bam opens his eyes immediately, a knee-jerking reaction when in proximity of none other than Khun Aguero Agnis. Bam turns his head, unable to keep the surprise on his face when he sees Khun and Hwaryun together. It makes him remember of nights where they strategize together and it still makes him shudder despite how many times it has already happened.
“How do you feel?”
“Better.” Bam croaks. Hwaryun rolls her eyes but hands him down a cup of water. He avoids Khun’s gaze, the image of Khun and her still embedded in Bam’s mind. “Where am I?”
“My apartment.” Khun replies, handing Bam a plate of peeled apples. “She doesn’t know where your apartment was and hers doesn’t accept any males. Honestly, if you guys didn’t pass by the office, she’d probably be dragging you to the hospital.”
“Oh.” Bam nods, nibbling on the apples. He really needed to get groceries. The last time he a fruit was weeks ago. He’d been living on cup noodles ever since. His Master would probably be disappointed in him if he knew. He groans, remembering he had inconvenienced them once again. He should’ve stayed at home if he knew this was going to happen. “Sorry and thank you.”
Khun waves off his concern. “It’s fine but are you seriously an idiot?”
“Hey.”
“No one goes to class with a 39.4 degrees fever.” Khun narrows his eyes at him and it makes Bam smile, remembering the scene so many times in the past when Khun was worried and he’d tell off Bam while still treating Bam’s injury. “Who gave you permission to be an adult?”
“Hey.” Bam frowns.
“As much as I’d like to stay and amuse myself, I’ve got class in…” Hwaryun trails off before looking at her watch. “Thirty minutes. Take care of him, would you? He’s a handful.”
Khun nods before he turns to Bam, smiling. “He is. I think I can handle him though.”
At this, Hwaryun raises her brow but she nods anyway. “Take care, Viole.”
She closes the door and Bam stares at it, not wanting to meet Khun’s gaze. Honestly, he still doesn’t know how to feel about all of this—everything he felt for Khun still stayed and he knew there was no way to forget about it but he still can’t face Khun, not now. Not when Bam feels like his head is exploding and all he wants is Khun’s familiar fingers on him or Khun’s comforting warmth.
“I’m going to buy food. Do you have any allergies?”
“No.” Bam shakes his head. “But I don’t like—”
“Raw food.” Khun supplies, putting on his shoes. “If you leave, just know I’m going to chase you down.”
Bam laughs. “Alright.”
“Sleep. I’ll wake you up when there’s food.”
Bam nods, already feeling sleep claiming him again.
‘If you could have any job in the world, what’s it going to be?’
‘Hmm. I’ve never thought about that. I don’t know. Maybe—’
‘Maybe?’
‘Someone who can save the people I love.’
When he wakes up again, it’s to Khun touching his forehead.
“Hey.” Khun mutters softly and it’s a balm to Bam’s aching head. “Your fever’s gone down but you need to eat.”
Bam nods, sitting up with difficulty. He really doesn’t want to inconvenience Khun again, not when Khun was nice enough to let him stay at his apartment when he doesn’t even need to. No matter what lifetime it was, Bam would always be thankful for Khun.
“Thank you.” Bam says, accepting the food Khun handed. He looks up at Khun and Bam thinks, will there ever be a time when I won’t drown just by looking at you? “For this. And for everything.”
For staying by my side. For choosing me. For always having my back. For everything you’ve done for me.
Khun smiles and for a second, Bam feels like they’ve returned to the tower and Khun is right there, smiling and looking at him so fondly it makes Bam hurt because this—this wasn’t his Khun. “You’re welcome.”
Once Bam has finished with the food, Khun grabs his plate, placing it on his sink before returning with a plate of apples. There’s something familiar about all of this—something that gnaws Bam so much because it feels like they’re back in the tower, back in Khun’s room where—
Bam’s eyes snap to Khun’s back.
“Hey Khun?”
“Yeah Bam?”
“Did I ever tell you I didn’t like raw food?”
He sees the moment it register to Khun—shoulders tense and for a moment he pauses before continuing what he was doing. If it was anyone but Bam, they wouldn’t think that the question took Khun off guard.
He sees Khun shrug but it’s tense. “I mean, who likes raw food?”
“You don’t.” Bam replies, smiling. He’s smiling so much he feels like his mouth is hurting. It couldn’t be—could it? “You know me, too. You know I chose medicine because I told you I’d be someone who can save the people he loves.”
At this, Khun whips his head to meet Bam’s, lips parted in surprise and eyes bulging. He looks so surprised and it makes Bam feel satisfaction that he’s able to surprise Khun. Khun opens his mouth a couple of times before closing it again, not knowing what to say.
“Bam.” He says Bam’s name like a prayer and Bam could hear the relief in his tone.
Not wanting to prolong their reunion any longer, Bam gets out of the bed. This make Khun spur into action, immediately running towards him and catching him before he fell on the floor. Bam laughs before he places one of his arms on Khun’s shoulders and the other on Khun’s waist and he marvels on the way they fit before he hugs him tight enough to bruise. He hugs him as if the world was going to end tomorrow and he would rather die than separate from Khun.
“Bam.” Khun sounds choked, his voice shaky but he manages to wound his arms around Bam’s waist and return the hug, just as bruising. “Fuck. I thought I lost you.”
“You didn’t. You didn’t.” Bam murmurs, feeling tears spring up on his eyes. His body sags in relief and he fits his head on the crook of Khun’s neck. “We found each other again. I found you again.”
“I…” Khun’s voice still sounds shaky and he buries his head on Bam’s hair and it makes Bam’s tears spring up again, the familiarity of the move making him tear up. “Fuck.”
“Speechless?” Bam laughs yet his voice is also shaky and his whole body is warm and it feels gross but he doesn’t want to let go. “Should I get a trophy for getting the Khun Aguero Agnis speechless?”
“I thought you didn’t—” Bam shakes his head. He had always been honest with Khun. He wasn’t going to start hiding things from him now. “I saw you with her this afternoon.”
“Oh that?” Khun runs his hands on Bam’s hair and it makes Bam melt into his arms. “I… She was visiting and asked me if I found you yet.”
“What?” The way Khun talked, the way he looked at her, the way— “You were talking about me?”
“Who else would I be talking about?” Khun laughs and the sound makes Bam smile. “Besides, how did you even find me?”
“Didn’t I tell you?” Bam breathes in Khun’s scent, his warmth, his hands around him—Khun, Khun, Khun. “I’d find you, always.”
“And didn’t I tell you?” Khun says, his voice quiet and just enough for Bam’s ears. “I’d return to you, always.”
"Do you believe in fate?"
"No." Khun replies, turning Bam's hand and intertwining it with his. "But I believe in us."