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It was supposed to be temporary.
*****
“Oi, Ue-sama!” Hiiragi bowed low over his bass, tilting his face so Ritsuka could see the mocking smirk behind his blond-tipped hair. “So kind of you to grace us with your presence despite us being your back-burner band!”
Ritsuka’s lip lifted in a snarl. “After all this time I still hate you—”
“Let’s just practice, okay?” Shizusumi interrupted, drumsticks dangling from his fingertips. Hiiragi stood upright, hand running through his hair to let it fall in a lazy golden halo before turning his back on a still-fuming Ritsuka.
“Of course, Shizu, by all means! How about we start by practicing that song we sent Ue-sama home with last time, hmm?”
The anger melted from Ritsuka’s face at the thought of playing Yuuki’s song. He’d listened to the track after meeting with Hiiragi and Shizusumi the week before. He’d let it play through, then listened again. Over and over he’d tried to understand how someone could put such love and loneliness into a song, only to commit suicide and spread that devestating loneliness to everyone they’d ever known.
Shizusumi gave the snare a gentle tap, breaking Ritsuka out of his thoughts. He moved to take his position, fiddling with the tuning pegs while pointedly ignoring Hiiragi’s arrogant grin.
“Finally ready?” Hiiragi jibed. “Ok, then! 1, 2, 3!”
Ritsuka struck the first chord with vigor, determined to give the song the effort it both demanded and deserved. He focused on the intro, barely hearing Shizusumi’s drums and Hiiragi’s bass as they joined in. At just the right moment, Ritsuka’s mouth opened and Yuuki’s words came pouring from his lips. Together the three boys wove their music into harmony far beyond that of the original recorded track. As the last notes of Ritsuka’s guitar faded into the studio walls, he finally turned his head to stare defiantly into Hiiragi’s eyes.
Hiiragi’s face was screwed up in a grimace, tears dripping steadily down his face.
“You understand Yuuki,” Hiiragi choked out.
Ritsuka shook his head, waving a hand as if shooing the thought from Hiiragi’s mind.
“I don’t understand,” he said, eyebrows drawn tightly together. “I don’t understand at all. How could he have all of this - friends, family, even love - and still leave it all? How could he hurt Mafuyu and the rest of you so much?”
Hiiragi dropped his gaze, looking instead at the guitar in Ritsuka’s hands. “Yuuki always thought things through. But after that fight with Mafuyu, he said he wanted to stop thinking for a while. Maybe that’s why he drank all that booze that night.” Tears continued to slide down his face as Hiiragi smiled ruefully. “He succeeded, in a way. He’s not the one thinking anymore. Now it’s all of us left thinking of him.”
“It’s selfish,” Ritsuka said.
“Maybe,” Hiiragi conceded. “But that was Yuuki. You may not understand him, but you must understand his feelings. When you sang, it felt like Yuuki was standing right there, smiling that damned grin of his, telling us all he’d see us again soon.”
Ritsuka’s lips tightened, a huff of breath escaping his nose as he stormed into Hiiragi’s personal space. “Listen to me, Hiiragi. I’m not Yuuki. I’m Uenoyama Ritsuka. I don’t look like Yuuki, I don’t sound like Yuuki, and I sure as hell don’t think like Yuuki. So stop comparing the two of us and see me for who I really am!”
Hiiragi nodded, wiping his face with his sleeve and clearing his throat. “Okay, Ue. Okay. Let’s just keep going, all right?”
With a nod of his head in return, Ritsuka stepped back into place and positioned his hands on his guitar.
“Okay, then! 1, 2, 3!”
*****
It was supposed to last forever.
*****
“We can still make music together, right, Uenoyama-kun?”
Ritsuka closed his eyes, dropping his head so he wouldn’t have to look into Mafuyu’s earnest expression. Mafuyu continued speaking, but Ritsuka tuned it out, unable or perhaps unwilling to hear why he wasn’t the one for Mafuyu.
“Hey, Uenoyama-kun?” Mafuyu’s hand cupped Ritsuka’s cheek tenderly, and Ritsuka couldn’t help but open his eyes. Mafuyu’s smile was tender as he spoke, words soft and gentle. “Thank you, Uenoyama-kun. You helped me more than you can ever know. You’ll always be in my heart, no matter what happens from now on.”
“You know what has to happen,” Ritsuka gritted out through clenched teeth. “I told you when you first confessed to me. Bands don’t survive breakups.”
“This one can, though,” Mafuyu pleaded, voice still soft.
“No, it can’t!” Ritsuka yelled, tearing his face away from Mafuyu’s hand. “I’ll always see you and wonder why! Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Was it because I’m not him? Are you still looking at me and seeing that damned Yuuki?”
Mafuyu hesitated, hand still held in the air, reaching.
Ritsuka nodded, one hand dashing away his tears. “That’s what I thought. Goodbye, Mafuyu.”
“Goodbye… Ritsuka.”
*****
It wasn’t anything like it should have been.
*****
Ritsuka tilted his coffee all the way up, letting the last few drops spill into his mouth before setting the empty can on the bench beside him. He yawned, stretching his arms far up behind him.
“Ehh? Not sleepy, are ya, Ue?” Hiiragi plopped onto the bench beside Ritsuka, popping the tab on his green tea.
“A little,” Ritsuka admitted. “The coffee should help.”
“It’d better! We’re celebrating a year of you being an official member of the band! I promised you we’d go out somewhere, and you’re not allowed to fall asleep before then!”
Eyes still heavy, Ritsuka folded his arms and gave Hiiragi the sternest glare he could muster. “The best surprise would be a bed.”
Mischief danced in Hiiragi’s eyes. “Careful, Ue. I might take that as an invitation.”
Ritsuka snorted. “Please. As if our drummer would ever let you out of his sight.”
Hiiragi’s smile faltered before it widened into something more forced. “You didn’t know?” he asked, voice tight. “Shizu has a girlfriend now. That redhead from the volleyball team.”
Ritsuka sat, eyes heavy, mind blank. “Uhh… Are you okay with that?”
“I’m fine!” Hiiragi’s smile began to wobble. “I’m happy for him. He deserves someone… nice…”
Ritsuka reached out to wrap an arm around Hiiragi, pulling the sniffling boy to his chest as he began to cry in earnest. Hiiragi’s fingers clenched Ritsuka’s shirt, twisting the soft cotton as he sobbed.
“Why couldn’t I be the one he wanted? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why, Ritsuka, why?”
Ritsuka remained silent as he rubbed Hiiragi’s back in gentle circles. It was a long time before Hiiragi’s tears subsided and he pulled away, face red and eyes swollen.
“Well,” Hiiragi choked out with a wet laugh. “This isn’t exactly how I saw your celebration going.”
“Honestly, I wouldn’t have remembered the anniversary of me joining the band, anyway, so maybe we could just go back to my apartment and relax?” Ritsuka wrinkled his nose in thought. “We could watch that one movie you’ve been talking about… uh, the one with the airplane?”
“Yeah?” Hiiragi hiccuped, then laughed. “Okay, Ue. You win this time.”
“Hey, no,” Ritsuka chided. “You called me by my name before. You can’t take it back now.”
“Hah! I guess that’s fair enough.” Hiiragi’s smile softened into something more real than Ritsuka had seen from him in a long time. “Ok, Ritsuka. Let’s go to your place. But you can’t fall asleep during the movie!”
Ritsuka laughed, then yawned again. “I make no promises.”
*****
It was something… different.
*****
“It came, it came, it came!”
Hiiragi raced into the apartment, tripping over the genkan as he yanked his shoes off. Ritsuka looked up from his book, pulling his headphones down around his neck and letting his feet swing down from the couch to the floor.
“Eh? It’s the offer from the record company?”
“Yes!” Hiiragi practically shouted. He dropped onto the couch next to Ritsuka, ripping open the envelope and snatching at the paper within. Before he could unfold it, Ritsuka put out his hands and clasped Hiiragi’s hands and the letter tightly.
“Remember,” he spoke somberly, “If this isn’t exactly what you want, you can tell them no. We have a nice apartment, I make plenty of money teaching music, and you’re not the world’s worst roommate—”
“Hey, I’m an awesome roommate,” Hiiragi laughed, shoving Ritsuka’s hands away. “Let’s just look at the offer before we go assuming I’ll hate it, okay?”
“Fair enough.” Ritsuka lifted his hands away, watching intently as Hiiragi unfolded the now-crumpled paper. Hiiragi’s eyes moved from line to line, then slowly began to fill with tears.
“Oh, no. Is it that bad? Don’t cry, there will be other offers, I’m sure. You’re an amazing vocalist and you deserve—”
“It’s in the UK,” Hiiragi blurted. “They want me to travel. Something about creating an international group with a totally new sound.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.”
Ritsuka’s nose wrinkled in thought. “Is the money good, though?”
“What does it matter if the money is good?” Hiiragi demanded. “I can’t go to the UK!”
“Why not?”
“Because!” Hiiragi floundered, hands moving restlessly, unable to form a coherent sentence. Ritsuka grabbed his hands again, holding them still.
“Why not?” he asked again.
“Because I don’t want to leave you!” Hiiragi burst out, chest heaving as tears collected in his eyes. “Because I love living here with you, and I love you!”
A moment passed before Hiiragi realized what he’d said. He yanked his hands away as if they’d been burned, leaping from the couch and bolting into his room. For a solid minute Ritsuka sat motionless, his eyes wide and mouth open. Then he calmly stood and fetched a screwdriver from the kitchen drawer. He knocked on Hiiragi’s bedroom door, then used the screwdriver to pop the lock.
“Go away!” Hiiragi’s muffled voice came from beneath the pillow on his bed. His body was twisted up in the sheets, one sock worked halfway off his foot. “Go away, go away, I’ve ruined everything, just go away!”
Ritsuka stood still, face thoughtful, then he tossed the screwdriver aside before plopping down heavily on the bed next to Hiiragi. He tugged the pillow away, bundling Hiiragi into his arms despite Hiiragi’s halfhearted shoves.
“What am I supposed to do now?” Hiiragi wailed. “You weren’t ever supposed to know! I’m not good enough for you, I know that, so why did I have to mess everything up again?”
“You’re right,” Ritsuka said, still holding Hiiragi. “You aren’t good enough for me.”
Hiiragi paused, not even breathing.
“You’re too good for me,” Ritsuka said, loosening his grip enough to reach one hand out to touch Hiiragi’s face. He pushed aside the tear-soaked bangs, then gently knocked their foreheads together. “You might be a stupid fool who always loses his keys and can’t cook to save his life, but I’ve always known you were too good for me. You’re destined for amazing things — they want you to travel the world, you idiot, and you think you aren’t good enough for the guy who teaches kids to play basic guitar? Please. I don’t know why I’ve been in love with such a fool for so many years already.”
Hiiragi’s breath caught at last, then he started breathing too much, too quickly. Ritsuka pulled him close again, letting Hiiragi feel his steady breathing until their bodies were perfectly in sync.
“Ritsuka,” Hiiragi whispered.
“Mmm.”
“I want to stay with you.”
“Mmm. You should go.”
Hiiragi sat up abruptly. “You want me to leave?”
Ritsuka propped his head up with one arm. “Yeah. You have a real future as a vocalist, and this is your big opportunity. I want you to go… and I want to go with you.”
“With… me?”
“I can teach guitar anywhere. Or I’ll work odd jobs like I did back in high school. I’m not going to be left behind, pining for you like some schoolgirl.” Ritsuka sat up, stretching his legs to either side of Hiiragi, neatly caging him in one place. “I love you, Hiiragi. I want to be with you, wherever you go. Will you have me?”
“Yes,” Hiiragi whispered. “Yes, a thousand times yes. I love you so much, Ritsuka!”
They leaned together, seeking and easily finding each other’s lips. Their first kiss was messy, and imperfect, but when they broke apart both men were smiling.
*****
It wasn’t anything like anyone expected.
*****
“Yes. I do.”
Ritsuka turned his body, leaning in for a gentle kiss. When they should have released, he instead pulled Hiiragi a little closer still to whisper without any of the guests overhearing.
“I don’t hate you anymore, my dear husband.”
*****
It was better.