Work Text:
Brooke: I need a six-letter word for disappointment
Michael: Jeremy
[Jeremy looks up from something off-screen, confused]
[Brooke turns slowly to face Michael, looking angry]
Brooke: You ready to fucking die?
[Michael quickly disconnects]
~
Rich: By no one's fucking request, here are the top five most fuckable fast food mascots
[an arm is seen, pulling rich off-screen, and christine's voice is heard]
Christine: no!!!
~
[empty screen, then a door is kicked open and Brooke appears]
Brooke: Hello! Thank you for listening as I kick down your door.
Brooke: due to COVID-19, gender has been canceled, now go be whoever the fuck you want to be
Brooke: goodbye
~
[ Christine pulls a laptop on-screen, a PowerPoint pulled up]
Christine: broadway character's body counts, we are starting with dear evan hansen characters, let's go
[the invisible camera turns to jeremy, who, as usual, looks like a lovesick puppy, the camera pans and everyone else seems amused]
Christine: let's be honest with ourselves, we have an entire cast of virgins
[assorted laughter]
Christine: but we all love an emo boy, so connor gets ten
[ computer shows a slide with mike faist and a side caption with "*eggplant emoji*10 - infinity *sweating emoji*"]
[the slide changes to a picture of ben platt]
Christine: evan has small pp energy so-
[more laughter]
Christine: look, I know you want to bone ben platt-
[nothing else can be heard over the laughter]
~
[the doofenshmirtz theme plays, jake appears]
Jake: this is for perry you semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action ass bitch, why you took me off the motherfucking schedule with your trifling duck-billed, beaver-tail, you turquoise bitch, fedora-wearing ass bitch, I am coming up there and I am going the beat the fuck out of you
Rich, from far away: yeah!
~
Jenna: raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
[christine looks excited and is about to join in]
Jenna: eating the rich cause they're all fucking chickens
[christine: *visible confusion*]
Jenna: punching the racists and stealing their rings, these are a few of my favorite things
~
Michael: lightsabers are cool but you can't really use its tip to tilt your opponent's chin up homoerotically, so like, what's the point?
[the invisible camera pans to brooke, who is nodding gravely in agreement]
~
Jeremy: do you ever get water hungry?
[a couple of snickers]
Chloe: Do you mean thirsty?
Jeremy: no, water hungry
Michael, under his breath: dammit jeremy
~
Rich: lmao
Rich: this shit hilorius
Rich: hilarius
Rich: fuck this, the big laugh
[everyone dies]
~
Jake: what's the word for horny but not in a sexual way like I'm horny for halloween but I don't want to fuck a pumpkin you feel
Christine, confused: do you mean excited?
Jake, visibly lighting up: yeah!
~
Jeremy: let perry the platypus say fuck
[multiple agreements]
~
Michael: I can't use the bathroom when there are people in my house because I need the freedom to lock myself in there for half an hour without them getting worried
Jenna: why do you need half an hour
Michael: sometimes I need a moment for myself
[a pause with assorted snickers]
Michael: this was about being sad in the bathroom NOT jacking off
[everyone is clearly dying]
~
Jeremy: I kinda need a hug but I'd rather DIE [a hand enters and drops out of the frame quickly, a loud bang is heard] than let anyone know I am a human being that desperately craves intimacy
Brooke, softly: are you okay?
~
Brooke: when I was a kid I would be like "ew boys" and my mom would say "darling, someday you'll like boys" but congratulations mom I'm a lesbian so ew boys
[assorted clapping]
~
Rich: I'll be rating how hard classic books slap
[rich picks up a book, showing it to the camera]
Rich: first up, the great gatsby
[the book is thrown and jake mysteriously falls off-screen, a couple of laughs are heard]
Rich: this one gets a six out of ten, it was pretty thin, but the flexibility gave me some leverage. next up, pride and prejudice
[the book now in his hand is also thrown, and jake goes right back down]
Rich: two out of ten. it's short, stocky, and does not leave any damage
[there are a couple of suspicious looks thrown toward jake, the others are too busy laughing]
Rich: finally, gone with the wind
[and with the last one, jake has given up trying to get back up]
Rich: ten out of ten, perfect, hardcover, and will definitely leave bruises thank you for your time
[assorted clapping, jake puts a thumbs-up on-screen]
~
Jake: i don't know how long we've been in quarantine, but it must have been pretty damn long for me to get a horn online and wait for it to ship, and install it, just to have my car say bruh to me
[the camera is now facing a car outside an open window]
Car: bruh
~
Jenna: that's what happens when you're hopped up on NyQuill™, you almost massacre a snowman family
~
Michael: frogs aren't gay, they're just open to new things
~
Jeremy: since the earth is constantly rotating, are we not in some way, god's rotisserie chickens?
[various nods from everyone]