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“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”
Jeno first meets Jaemin in the third grade.
They're both still pretty puny in size, as third graders are, though Jaemin is taller than him by an inch. Jeno knows because they were put back-to-back on picture day for the centered class photo.
Jeno has no idea who Jaemin is at first, for he had just transferred to Jeno’s school at the beginning of that school year. He watches as Jaemin spends the first few weeks with the popular kids and sighs, resigning to the fact that they’re probably never going to become friends.
Jeno isn’t exactly out there. It’s only when Jaemin ditches the popular kids after those first few weeks and chooses to sit alone in the shade instead that Jeno realizes that Jaemin isn’t either.
They find comfort in each other, since neither of them are as rambunctious as the rest of their classmates, and they learn that they share a lot in common. They're both Korean, but that's not all. A lot of the time, the two end up geeking out over the things they like, usually way too much. (Jeno doesn’t care if the other kids think they’re a little weird.)
They play together at recess, move seats to sit beside each other at lunch, and hang out after school. Months pass, and eventually they officially become best friends. You know, when you actually ask, "Hey, you wanna be best friends?" Outstretch your hand like you're in some kind of movie? "Yeah, sure."
One day, they decide to have a sleepover at one of their houses. It ends up being Jeno's.
They have the sleepover the day after they've asked their parents for permission, on Saturday. Jeno's looking out his window as Jaemin’s mom drops Jaemin off on the driveway, and he runs down the stairs to let Jaemin in through the front door. The lock clicks, the door opens, and Jeno smiles widely at the sight of Jaemin, who smiles back. Their mirrored smiles translate to this was a great idea.
It’s not the first time Jaemin’s been at Jeno’s house—it just happens to be the first time Jaemin sleeps over—so he’s met Jeno's parents before. He takes off his shoes before walking into the living room to greet them politely, in Korean, like he always does. Mom comments on how polite of a boy Jaemin is, while Dad reminds him to make himself comfortable. Jaemin does, walking back towards the front door to toss his small backpack on the stairs.
For some odd reason, every time Jaemin comes over, they always find themselves in the kitchen first instead of Jeno’s room. Perhaps it’s because they’re young boys, and they always feel hungry. They need sustenance to grow, after all. Sustenance that’s probably not supposed to be ice cream, but they don’t care, because they’re young boys.
Jeno takes out a tub of ice cream from the freezer—cookies and cream, because that’s their thing. Cookies and cream ice cream, cookies and cream (or rather, Oreo) ice cream cake, cookies and cream Hershey chocolate bars, the actual Oreos—you name it, they like it.
They scoop out their share into bowls, note that the tub is nearly empty after they’re done, and sit down at the kitchen island on adjustable spinning stools. Jeno notices the confused look on Jaemin’s face when he can’t figure out how to adjust the height, even after all the times he’s been over, and they end up switching seats.
They eat their ice cream while talking about each other’s lives outside of school, telling stories like how Jaemin went to his aunt's restaurant a few cities over last Sunday and ran around the place before getting told off by his parents and getting embarrassed from all the adult customers staring at him, too.
(Jeno points out that last Sunday was a whole six days ago, "Why didn't you tell me before?" Jaemin shrugs and says he meant to tell him on Monday but forgot. For Jaemin’s sake, Jeno wishes he had just forgotten completely.)
His aunt assured Jaemin it was fine, which, now that Jaemin looks back, it definitely was not oh my God why did I have to be a dumb kid. Apparently, she said the customers were looking at him fondly, but Jaemin tells Jeno that hadn't exactly made him feel better. He's a whole nine years old, after all, he's not a baby anymore.
Jeno gets the idea that Jaemin mulls over the past a tiny bit too much for his age (at least, when he actually remembers), but he doesn't know what to say after Jaemin, a whole nine years old, has just ranted his heart out, because Jeno's only nine years old. In the end, Jeno just says a non-committal yeah, though he immediately regrets not saying something more as Jaemin quickly changes the topic to Jeno.
"What did you do last weekend?" Jaemin asks him.
"Uh…" The inquiry should be innocent and easy to answer, but Jeno's mouth suddenly goes dry. "I'm pretty sure I just stayed at home," he lies.
(He'd gone to church, like he does every Sunday.)
There's a basketball hoop in Jeno's backyard that his dad brings out into the street on summer days like these. It's a residential block, and there aren't many cars that drive through since their street is so far from the main streets. It's kind of in, if you know what that means.
Mom wants them to have dinner first, but Dad convinces her to let the boys have dinner afterwards—besides, they'll probably want to play right after eating, and they'll probably get stomach cramps. Mom sighs but lets the boys—Jeno, Jaemin, and Dad—do their thing.
Jeno and Jaemin both declare a one-on-one game with Jeno's dad, but say their points should be grouped together since his dad has the height and age experience advantage. It’s a little bit of a confusing system—Jaemin versus Dad, then Jeno versus Dad, then Dad versus Jaemin and Dad versus Jeno.
Between a few amateur plays on their part and a few missed shots on Jeno’s dad’s when they switch up offence and defence, Jeno begins to think that his dad is just pretending to be worse than he actually is, because the dad Jeno knows is better than this. He gives the two boys a good laugh out of it, though, letting them tease him. Soon enough, Jaemin's laughing, and Jeno's happy that Jaemin is having fun.
Of course, Jeno and Jaemin win.
The sun is setting now, casting a deep orange glow on the streets, elongating their shadows. The air doesn’t cool even with the sun no longer directly beating down on them, to their dismay—a breeze would be welcome considering they’re working up a sweat. Jeno’s dad has opted out of the game now, saying he was tired (which makes Jeno realize his dad was playing worse because he had no breaks; oops, Jeno thinks), deciding to watch from the front porch, so it’s just Jeno and Jaemin pitted against each other.
The two of them continue to shoot a few more hoops, switching to a game of HORSE. They try, once or twice, the iconic trick shots they’ve seen on TV, failing miserably, but it’s entertaining. Then, by some unknown force, a miracle happens, and Jaemin gets the trick shot. Jeno gets an E. It’s Jaemin’s victory.
Jeno is too young to place a name on the feeling he gets when he sees Jaemin grinning widely at him in the setting sun.
It’s then that Mom calls again from the kitchen window, saying, “Boys, are you ready to eat yet? It's getting pretty dark out, you know. You must’ve worked up an appetite by now.”
Jeno's stomach rumbles out of his control, having been reminded of his hunger, and he flushes in embarrassment. At least Jaemin's stomach growls soon after, and they give each other sheepish smiles.
"Coming!"
-----
Jeno can't say he doesn't expect it when Jaemin calls him to ask what he thinks about their middle school graduation.
Actually, he'd kind of been waiting for it. He'd been lying in bed on his phone waiting for Jaemin to call. Hoping for Jaemin to call. Jaemin hadn't asked him what he thought about grad before today, and there wasn't much time before it would end up happening.
He remembers that Jaemin had called him two years ago about their elementary school graduation. He remembers that Jaemin had called his home phone from his cell because his parents hadn't allowed him to get a cellphone just yet. He remembers Jaemin commenting on how it was lame that he didn't have his own phone yet, otherwise they could've been on a video call.
Well, now Jeno has a phone, and they video call each other all the time, and for hours, at that. Jeno prefers it to texting, which Jaemin knows.
Jaemin calls him sometime after seven o'clock, and Jeno picks up on the first ring. The odd thing is, it's just a regular voice chat.
"Yo," Jaemin says. "You wanna take a guess as to what I'm calling you about?"
Jeno gulps even though he's one-hundred percent certain that the answer is graduation, and he thinks it might be because he can't see Jaemin's face. That should be a relief to him, he knows, but for some reason it isn't. It just makes him think of all the possible reasons Jaemin is deciding to hide his face, one of which could be just an accident. Jeno is aware he has the option to turn on his own camera so that Jaemin can see him, but he doesn't tap the button, leaving the choice to Jaemin.
"Graduation, right? I'm surprised you didn't bring it up earlier—grad is just around the corner, you know?"
"Yep," Jaemin says, dragging the 'y'. For a second, he thought Jaemin was going to say 'yepper-doodle-doo', or something. It wouldn't be the first time. "So, what do you think? You nervous? Excited? Or…?"
The jump from elementary to middle wasn't too bad, he thinks. Their elementary and middle school were pretty close in distance, and so everyone stayed in the same friend groups for the most part. That went for Jeno and Jaemin, too. He doesn't know if he can say the same for middle to high, though.
He tells Jaemin that. Jaemin hums at his response, and Jeno still can't see his face. By now, he thinks he's found a reason for that.
Jeno has suspected this for a while now, that Jaemin is afraid of change.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. To feel fear in the face of change is a pretty normal human response; it's one of the most common fears. It gets to the best of them, when they've found something comfortable about their lifestyle, when the going has gotten good, when they get attached. Attachment is natural.
He's pretty sure Jaemin knows all of this, and yet Jaemin refuses to show his face on a video call when they see each other in the flesh every day. It makes him wonder what Jaemin plans on telling him in the next few moments.
"To tell you the truth," Jaemin begins hesitantly before going back into silence. Jeno twists the wand of his blinds while he waits for Jaemin to find the right words, letting the soft and warm light bounce on the walls of his room, divided by racks of shadow. He thinks it helps set the mood. (The mood for what, exactly, Jeno doesn't know.) "The reason I didn't bring this topic up earlier was that I didn't want to think about it. I mean, yes, I want to graduate, and I'm excited about finally getting out of this dump. But…graduating means moving on to high school, and meeting new people, and walking around a bigger campus—a new campus—and new experiences, and everything else that comes with high school. And I didn't want to think about it."
"You know you're gonna be fine, right? That we're gonna be fine? We are still going to be friends, right? Because I sure as hell plan on still being your friend," Jeno says, and he's pretty sure he's beginning to ramble. He had meant to try and reassure Jaemin, make him feel less nervous, but he guesses he ended up making himself nervous from doing so.
"Well, I plan on staying your friend, too," Jaemin says, which makes Jeno feel light, like he's floating, but then continues, "but what if…what if, even then, we don't stay friends? What if life gets in the way? What if we aren't gonna be fine? Wait, no, ignore me, I'm being stupid. Sorry, I'm just…"
"Overwhelmed?" Jeno suggests.
"Yeah. Overwhelmed."
"Jaemin," Jeno says softly, "it's okay to be overwhelmed. You don't have to be ready right away. I'm not exactly ready, either. But we're in this together, and we are going to be fine. We'll figure things out. I…I can't promise that we'll stay as close as we are right now in the future, or that I'll always be right by your side, but I swear I'll always be on your side. If you need me, all you need to do is call."
All that comes from the other side of the line for a while is silence, and Jeno fears he's said something wrong. The heavy feeling disappears and is replaced with gladness when Jaemin says, "Thanks. Will do, my dude." It's a little bit dumb of a response, but Jeno takes it anyway.
"No problem, my dude."
-----
Jeno knows that with Jaemin and food, it's usually one extreme to another. Unhealthy contrasts like his eight-shot americano and his 100 percent sweetness bubble tea. Jeno has no idea why he needs that much caffeine and sugar on a daily basis (to feed his addiction, probably), but either way Jeno's pretty sure Jaemin's taste buds have to be shot. He goes from eating a heap of cilantro on his ramyeon to straight-up sugar, for God's sake. It's ridiculous.
Jeno hopes today he doesn't get caught up in something ridiculous. He hopes for normal, but that might be too much to ask for.
The sky’s the colour of orange creamsicles. Jeno can’t help but make the comparison since they’re craving something sweet and it’s golden hour. If they were in the mood for more savoury things, Jeno might've instead made the comparison to tteokbokki his parents made using the frozen stuff since there weren’t many places that sold it on the street, or the cheese powder packets from the box of Kraft Dinner that was somehow still a struggle for the two boys to make on their own.
Somewhere along the line, between talking about things like the release of a new video game and their compulsory volunteer hours (that Jaemin has already finished over the summer and yet still insists on doing more, just because he wants to, while Jeno had been a homebody over the summer and was slowly chipping off at the hours after school or on weekends in regret), they stumble upon the topic of Jeno taking in a stray cat even when he has allergies.
“Bro, are you good? You’re allergic to cats, aren’t you?” Jaemin asks, quirking a brow.
“Yeah, and? I love cats, and I saw a stray cat. What else was I supposed to do?” Jeno says in response. Before Jaemin can answer his rhetorical question, he adds, “Her name is Bongsik, by the way.”
Jaemin rolls his eyes at him, shaking his head, but smiles. “Are you gonna just tell me about her and not show me?”
Jeno lights up at the invitation and quickly whips out his phone to find the most recent picture of Bongsik before shoving the screen in Jaemin’s face eagerly. It’s of Bongsik lying down on the hardwood floor (they don't have a carpet or rug anymore—they didn't want the allergens to build up, so they got rid of them). Swipe right, and you’ll find Bongsik padding away from Jeno. Go a few days before in his gallery, and there’s a picture of Bongsik sitting on a ledge, followed by a video of her slinking down from her perch. Jaemin coos over how cute she is, and Jeno can’t help but agree.
"What did your parents say when you brought her home?" Jaemin asks, and they continue walking.
"They panicked," Jeno admits sheepishly, recalling the moment. "First they asked if I was okay, if I was having a reaction. Then they said, 'Jeno, what have you gone and done now?' I told them I wanted to keep her, and they said it was a bad idea. I had to beg them to let me take care of her."
"Your allergies still act up though, right?"
"Yeah. I'll just have to get used to her, then at least it'll be milder. I'm thinking of getting immunotherapy or something. I mean, it'll be totally worth it. I can play with cats all I want without having to worry about getting hives."
Jaemin hums. Jeno locks his phone, putting it back safely in his pant pocket, before shoving his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. Jeno feels a tad too warm, and really he should be keeping his hands out so they can be exposed to the light breeze, but it's just habit and the heat is manageable anyway.
A cloak of silence falls on them after that. It's comfortable enough, so they just keep walking wordlessly. Jaemin sighs when they have to stop at the crosswalk, but that's about it.
They turn around the corner to meet a convenience store. They enter, and the first words they say to each other after a good five minutes are about whether they should buy soda or slushies. How about soda-flavoured slushies? In the end, Jaemin decides to get a slushie—blue raspberry, of course, because he's an 'intellectual' (at least Jeno can agree; for once, Jaemin shows that he has taste)—and Jeno a can of Orange Crush.
Jeno sees Jaemin's brow quirk a second time. "Why that, of all things? Don't tell me it's because of the sky. I mean, it's pretty, but dude."
Jeno shrugs. "I do what I want—you should know this by now. And what do you have against Orange Crush? If you don't like Orange Crush, you don't have taste, and that's a fact."
"What if I said I liked Fanta Orange?"
"Do you like Fanta Orange?" Jeno supposes he can get behind Jaemin if he does.
"More than Orange Crush, I do."
"Fine," Jeno says, placing the Orange Crush back where he found it, only to grab a can of Fanta Orange instead. "There, better?"
"You didn't have to do that, you know. You could've just ignored me," Jaemin says, though he smiles, "but yeah, better." Jeno's heart does a little something. He doesn't quite know how to describe it.
They walk back to the counter, grabbing a chocolate bar or two from the short shelves on the way. The cashier rings them up, and they count out their pocket change on the countertop. And then they're walking out of the store, drinks in hand and chocolate pocketed.
They're supposed to be on their way back home soon, with twilight fast approaching, but instead they find themselves taking a detour to the park. When they get there, they go straight to the swings. They can't really do much except sit and wobble from side to side though, since their hands are full.
Jeno's been taking occasional sips between speaking; Jaemin is nearly three-quarters done his slushie. Jeno notices absentmindedly that Jaemin's tongue is dyed blue when he opens his mouth to speak.
"Jeno."
Jeno hums, distracted. "What?" He looks up from Jaemin's mouth to his eyes, only to find them filled with anxiety and hesitance. Jeno shakes himself out of his stupor.
"I… I need to get something off my chest," Jaemin says, tilting his head to the side and avoiding eye contact. "I'm telling you this because I trust you. I...This is the first time I'm telling anyone about this. I wanted you to be the first person to know, since you're my best friend. But I need you to promise me that whatever I tell you stays between us, and that things won't change between us after I tell you."
Jeno gulps. It takes him a second to process the words. "Of course. I promise," he says, then adds, "take your time."
Jaemin nods, and they both take another sip of their drinks. Jeno focuses on the tingling sensation of the orange-flavoured soda as it slides on his tongue, and the creaking of the old swings, if only to distract himself from the nervous beating in his heart and the tense atmosphere.
Jaemin takes a deep breath; Jeno holds his breath.
"I'm gay."
The air stills. Jeno doesn't know what he expected, doesn't know whether Jaemin's two words met his expectations or not, or if they, better yet, exceeded them.
The problem isn't that Jaemin is gay. The problem is, this is the first time anyone's ever come out to Jeno, and he doesn't quite know how to feel, or how to respond.
This was what he was hoping for, right? A chance that Jaemin would see him in that way. So why does he feel bitter that Jaemin beat him to the chase? That Jaemin was braver than him? He'd wanted to come out to Jaemin, not the other way around. Really, he should be grateful that Jaemin did it first, that Jaemin came out to him at all. Jeno feels like a shit friend for having all these thoughts.
Is this supposed to be the time Jeno says something like 'I'm proud of you for coming out' or 'thank you for telling me'? It is, right? So why can't he say anything? Why has he suddenly lost his voice? Where is the dependable Jeno that Jaemin comes to confide in?
It's then that Jaemin stands up, and Jeno becomes more afraid of losing Jaemin now than ever before. (He mentally scoffs at himself. And he says Jaemin is the one who's afraid of change.) He'd sworn he'd always be on Jaemin's side, no matter what, and he'd promised that nothing would change between them. Jaemin had trusted him. Then Jeno realizes—this isn't about him, it's about Jaemin. What he needs to do right now is do his part as Jaemin's best friend. He needs to say something, and quick—
"You know what, never mind. Forget that I said anything. Look, if you don't accept me for being gay, and you're not saying anything to be nice, then fine. Wait, are you—never mind. Let's just pretend we never had this conversation, and go back to how we were before, because I don't—"
"Me too," Jeno blurts out, standing up with his arms hanging limply on his sides, his grip on his can of Fanta Orange so light he might end up dropping it. Jaemin visibly stiffens, as though he'd gotten a belated brain freeze from his slushie. "I'm gay, too."
"Jeno—Jeno, what?" Jaemin croaks out, making shaking eye contact with the boy in question, and then the rest of the words tumble out. "I just remembered—I thought you were Christian."
Jeno's eyes widen, wondering how Jaemin knew the very thing he was trying to keep secret ever since he'd started going to a public school. He'd been afraid kids would treat him differently if they knew. When exactly did Jaemin find out?
"Yeah, I was. And now I'm not," Jeno confesses.
(Jeno's confirmation in the church would've been around two years ago, but he hadn't wanted to be confirmed. He hadn't wanted to commit. He still doesn't. He's renounced Christianity. Even if he hadn't, the church would've denounced him. He's resigned to the fact that he just can't be both gay and Christian. Jeno does what he wants.)
"I'm gay," Jeno repeats. "Sorry for not telling you earlier—about both things. I'm sorry for lying to you for all those years, but I decided not to be Christian anymore for a reason. And thanks, for being the one to come out first."
Jeno lets out a long sigh after having said everything he wanted to say, leaving it all bare and in the open. Everything except one thing. All he needs to do is add four more short words: 'And I like you.' Then that would be everything.
Jeno doesn't get a chance to, though, because Jaemin is running towards him and engulfing him in a hug. He barely had enough time to get a better grip on his soda so it wouldn't splash on Jaemin's loose white tee. He finds that Jaemin's touch feels like fire, burning him through his hoodie, and his heartbeat accelerates. Reluctantly, he wraps his arms around Jaemin's torso in reciprocation.
"It feels like a weight's been taken off my chest," Jaemin practically sighs in his ear. Jeno tries not to gulp, in fear that Jaemin will be able to both feel and hear him do it, and that the boy will question why he's doing it.
"Yeah, I think I feel a lot better, too," Jeno mumbles. It's a half-truth.
Suddenly Jaemin is pushing Jeno away, and once again he's left feeling afraid that he's done something wrong. Jaemin points up to the sky, as though it explains everything, and when Jeno looks up, it does. The sky is a wish-wash of purples and pinks and blues, with wispy clouds akin to torn pieces of cotton candy hanging in the sky.
It's twilight.
Jeno and Jaemin quickly pull out their phones, only to find big 7:43s staring them in the face. "Shit," Jeno curses under his breath, "I can't believe it's nearly 8 PM already."
Jaemin just shakes his head, sliding his phone back into his pocket. "We should be getting back now," he says before finishing the rest of his, now melted, slushie. Jeno follows suit, downing the rest of his, now flat, orange soda.
They dispose of their drink containers in one of the park's garbage cans (when really they should be recycling them, but what can they do when there's no recycling bin in sight) and then walk on one of the trails behind the park as a shortcut.
Jeno opens his mouth to try and tell Jaemin the thing, but he quickly shuts it as Jaemin is saying, "I hope you don't mind the fact that I'm gonna talk your ear off about this one guy I like. I've kinda been holding it in, but now I can finally tell someone, and that person, unfortunately, happens to be you."
Jeno's heart sinks right then and there, but, despite himself, he asks, "What's his name? Cute or hot?"
(Later, Jeno will think back to this night as one of those 'what could have been' scenarios, and while in bed he'll wonder, what if he had confessed to Jaemin sooner? What if someone else hadn't stolen Jaemin's heart before he could even try to make a move? If only Jeno had been braver. If only Jeno wasn't the one who was actually afraid of change.)
"His name is Mark Lee. You know, from the basketball team? And I'd say he's...kind of both. When he plays, he has this serious look on his face, and when he just drinks water during time offs, all sweaty and...he looks effortlessly hot, you feel? But then when he bumps into someone in the hallway he...he reacts adorably. Big eyes. Apologizes like crazy and makes sure the other person is okay, and all that. I think it's the Canadian in him," Jaemin rambles.
"But Jaemin, we're Canadian, too."
"Well yeah but he's, like, a true Canadian, you get what I mean?" Jaemin says. Jeno both does and doesn't, but it's whatever.
It's clear to Jeno that Jaemin really likes this Mark Lee guy—Jaemin probably wasn't lying about him going to talk his ear off. He can't help but think Jaemin is cute as he talks so animatedly right now, even if it's about someone else, and he thinks that might just be the end of him. The end of Jeno Lee. (Or Lee Jeno. Both of them, he settles.)
It's clear to Jeno that his role in Jaemin's love story is not the other lead and love interest, but the best friend that watches on the sidelines as the two main protagonists fall in love and get together. He'd promised to stay Jaemin's friend—if Jeno told Jaemin his feelings now, no doubt the bond they share would be ripped apart, and that's the last thing he wants. How can he not play his part?
It's what Jaemin deserves.
Before Jeno knows it, they're at the point where they have to part ways, Jeno left and Jaemin right.
"...Planning on telling your parents anytime soon?" Jeno asks. "About, you know..." Being gay. Jaemin seems to understand.
Jaemin shakes his head. "I don't think they'd be too happy, so no. I don't even know if I want to come out at school, just in case it gets back to them somehow. I really don't want them to know. Might be more out in college, though," he says. "What about you?"
"Pretty much the same thing. I'm terrified of them finding out—I mean, they're Christian and Korean. Just my luck," Jeno grumbles.
"Well, at least we're in this together, right?" Jaemin says, nudging Jeno's side with his elbow.
Jeno smiles at the familiar words, though bittersweetly. "Yeah, we're in this together."
When Jeno finally gets home, he finds the chocolate bar in his hoodie pocket has long melted.
-----
Jaemin and Mark start dating a month later. Jeno endures two years of seeing Jaemin being happy with someone that isn't him until they finally break it off, with Mark going off to college a year before them and not being able to pull off a long-distance relationship. Jeno can only be glad it wasn't a bad break up for Jaemin. He'd hate to see Jaemin heartbroken, as his best friend and as someone who likes (or perhaps loves) him.
Jaemin doesn't get into a single new relationship for the rest of high school.
-----
It starts with Jaemin complaining to Jeno about finals.
"Jeno, I think I'm gonna go bald from all this stress. I feel like I'm driving myself crazy," Jaemin says on the other side of the call.
"Please don't go bald," Jeno says while he organizes his room. He's spent so much time studying, he's forgotten to keep things tidy. If he were to describe what it looked like before he had the sense to start cleaning, he'd say this: everything was everywhere.
"Aren't you stressed?"
"Of course I am. I just use that stress to study," Jeno replies.
"Study freak."
Jeno doesn't take any offence to the name, instead taking it in stride. "I thought you were gonna take it easy, like you always do."
Jeno knows that Jaemin doesn’t like studying all that much. In fact, Jaemin has admitted to slacking on studying quite often (“Hey, I still get 90s even if I only study for a few minutes,” Jaemin had told him once, though it was more like he was bragging. It just wasn’t fair, Jeno had thought. Jaemin’s the type of person to tell you that you gotta study smart, not hard, which Jeno doesn’t do), so it comes to him as a shock when Jaemin tells him that he has a feeling it’s not going to be the same this time around. It’s their last year of high school, and his post-secondary depends on it, after all.
Jaemin tells him that, for once in his life, he's actually been studying really hard, and he says that if it doesn’t pay off, he’s gonna throw a fit and vow to never try again, because the one time he actually tries, he doesn’t get results. It’ll just be proof that the key is, indeed, to study smart, not hard. "I don't know how you do it, dude."
Unlike Jaemin, Jeno always studies hard. He studies to the point where his parents just let him do his own thing, because, even without his parents nagging him, he studies like his life depends on it (which, in this case, it kind of does). There just isn’t much more they can push him. Jeno simply thinks it’s necessary to study.
He's diligent that way. His hard work put into studying translates into confidence when it comes to standardized tests. Confidence is good. Confidence means no mid-test breakdowns. Confidence means being able to answer without second-guessing himself (though whenever he does, it's usually more than twice—he just doesn't know the term for it), which means less time is wasted. Confidence comes from nearly burning himself out.
"Just knock yourself out," Jeno says, finally. It's not the greatest piece of advice.
Then the first day of the dreaded finals come around. Jeno has Computer Science; Jaemin has Biology.
Jeno knows all the topics like the back of his hand, and he fills out the multiple choice and application questions with ease. His problem arises when he’s met with the long answer questions—it's not that he second-guesses his knowledge, but that he’s always had a tendency to overthink his choice of words and, overall, just take way too long answering. He should have a lot of time, considering he was so quick with the first half of the test, but just as he had predicted, he barely finishes scribbling his concluding sentence before the bell rings.
When Jeno hands in his test, he can only think three thoughts: did he do good or bad, how did Jaemin do on his exam, and how he has to deal with more of these for the next few days.
The weekend doesn’t come soon enough. Jeno feels kind of dead inside, much too exhausted, and he shares Jaemin’s sentiment when he says he never wants to do that ever again. It’s what they always say after doing exams, but no matter how many times they do, exams always come the following year, and they have little choice.
It’s on Saturday evening that Jaemin asks if Jeno wants to go to the beach on Sunday. It's pretty last minute, to say the least, but Jeno impulsively accepts the invitation, just wanting to forget about his exams and dance the night away, or something. He thinks he deserves it, thinks they deserve it.
Jaemin pulls up to Jeno's driveway at 9:32 AM on Sunday.
Jeno gets a text from Jaemin saying he's here, though he sees Jaemin's car through his window before that. Right now, Jaemin is sitting inside with his phone in his hands, waiting for Jeno's response. Jeno quickly replies that he's ready to go before grabbing his pre-packed bag and walking down the stairs.
It feels like deja vu.
His parents are already awake, his dad drinking his tea with all those special benefits and his mom snacking on some nuts as they both watch something (probably the news, knowing them, though Jeno's in too much of a hurry to check) on the TV together, and only after saying bye to them does he slip on his shoes and unlock the door. He's about to open the door, but then he backtracks after realizing he didn't pack his sandals.
A ping comes from his pocket, presumably Jaemin texting him to hurry tf up already or something, and then he opens the door and runs towards the car as if that would make up for the wasted time.
Jeno gets in the car and closes the door behind him a little too hard in his rush, tossing his bag behind him in the backseat.
"Took you long enough," Jaemin says as Jeno puts on his seatbelt, still tapping his index finger on the steering wheel with the rapidness of a sewing machine needle.
"Hello to you, too, Jaemin," Jeno replies sarcastically. He looks at the tiny digital clock on the satnav panel and frowns. 9:34. "Hey, I only took two minutes. I don't know what you're talking about."
Jaemin stops his tapping and smiles. "I know, I'm just teasing you," he says, "though two minutes is kind of long."
"Bro."
The drive to the beach takes about two and a half hours, including traffic.
They get out of the car and lather thick, gloopy sunscreen over their exposed faces, arms, and legs. The sun is beating down on them, directly above their heads since it's noon, and it's bright and hot and Jeno belatedly realizes that he forgot his sunglasses on his desk. So much for pre-packing.
When they get out on the sand, they find the beach alive and bustling. They run across the sand (or try to, since it's hard to properly run in the squishy sand) to the west side where it isn't as dense with people.
It's been more than a while since Jeno has been to the beach. He doesn't think he's gone since middle school. He guesses that's why everything feels like the first time. He can only describe the smell as fresh yet salty, though when he and Jaemin pass a small group of people, he gets a strong whiff of suntan lotion and cocoa butter.
The colours of the sea are vibrant, shades of turquoise and emerald bleeding into each other, water glistening from the sunlight like diamonds under a white lamplight. The waves ripple like silk and satin before crashing on the shore, only to retract back, leaving behind wet, darkened sand. Like tan lines but the reverse, Jeno thinks.
It's a good day to go to the beach.
They leave their bags far from the shoreline, dearly hoping that nothing will get stolen from them (not like they brought anything of value with them anyway, except for maybe their phones), before sprinting into the sea and splashing each other with saltwater.
Everything is all good fun and laughter until Jaemin accidentally shoots some water up Jeno's nose, and when Jeno snorts it, it stings like crazy, the discomfort concentrated at the bridge of his nose. Jeno tries to blow the water out his sinuses, though it gets gross and Jeno turns his back so Jaemin won't see.
Jaemin apologizes frantically, treading over to pat Jeno's back and ask if he's okay, and for a second there he sees Mark, as though Jaemin had picked up on some of the older boy's habits. It wouldn't be very unlikely, considering they did date for two whole years.
Jeno just laughs it off, saying, yeah, he's okay.
Like everything else, he's forgotten all about the God-awful public showers. There are clumps of muddy sand on the concrete, dragged from the beach by people's footwear, and Jeno winces in disgust at the thought of what else could've been on the ground. (What if someone had even peed? The bacteria? You see where he's coming from.)
Jeno washes the salt off his skin, choosing to stay in his sandals as he does, and he and a flip-flops-wearing Jaemin only end up adding to the muck already on the concrete.
They change into new shirts before drying themselves, but only their shirts because they weren't about to go into the equally disgusting restrooms to change swim trunks; they'd just have to deal with sopping shorts. Jeno pretends not to notice the stares they attract from a group of girls when they peel their wet shirts off their backs.
(Jeno isn't about to tell Jaemin this, but he, too, is checking the latter out, though very briefly so he doesn't notice. Jeno isn't about to tell Jaemin this, but he remembers that once, when he was younger and his parents made the effort to bring him to the beach, he'd changed in the car, with beach towels covering the windows.
Jeno isn't about to tell Jaemin that he's wishing they'd changed in the car, that they'd done more than just changed in the car, more than what best friends do. He wishes that his hands could've roamed Jaemin's bare body, that he could've kissed Jaemin senseless, that he could've told Jaemin about the feelings he's been holding inside for so many years.
It's only when Jaemin slaps his arm with his semi-damp towel that Jeno returns to reality.)
They go into the town after that, in look of some good grub—or just any grub; they'll eat anything at this point—to fill their stomachs. They’d stopped at a drive-thru after Jaemin had picked Jeno up and gotten some breakfast wraps, but after a few hours they were hungry yet again. They find a family-run burger joint and decide it's good.
Jeno insists on paying for both of them, since Jaemin paid last time and will have to pay for gas, but as expected it’s harder to convince Jaemin than that, and they end up having a back-and-forth of “I’ll pay for myself” and “no, I’m paying for us both.” When Jaemin finally relents, Jeno is glad for his own patience. (He doesn’t think he would’ve made it this far without it.)
The place is just a front window and a kitchen with tables propped outside. They get their plastic serving trays of fast-food, pay up, and sit down. Jeno looks back and forth at their promising-looking burgers, cups of cola, and lastly their mounts of french fries, in size large, and Jeno wonders if they bought too many fries. Really, one large fries should’ve been enough, but no, there they were with two. They had definitely underestimated the size of a large, probably because they were used to McDonald’s scams.
Later, when they end up scarfing down everything like it’s nothing at all, Jeno thinks he underestimated the size of their stomachs.
(“Yo, Jeno,” Jaemin says after taking a sip of his cola. “I just thought of this right now, but does a straw have one or two holes?”
Jeno gives Jaemin the look. “Are you good?”
“Just answer the question,” Jaemin pesters.
“Two, obviously,” Jeno answers, before eating another small handful of his fries. Immediately after they enter his mouth, he has a realization. His voice is muffled by the food in his mouth when he says, “Wait, no, one—”
Jaemin’s eyes light up and he raises an index finger, as though pointing at Jeno’s thought. “See? Isn’t it just one hole?”
Jaemin proceeds to explain how a straw is like a donut, even when Jeno had come to his conclusion by thinking a straw had one hole but two openings.)
Jeno doesn’t know how, but he always manages to lose track of time when he’s with Jaemin.
Before Jeno knows it, the air is a little chillier and the sun is on the edge of the horizon, leaving the sky an alluring afterglow of salmon orange and coral pink and plum purple. The light that reflects off the still waves is mellow, but enough to cast a warm filter upon the water, tying the tranquil scene together.
When he looks around, he finds the beach has been cleared of people for the most part, as the majority of people have to go to work on Monday morning. Luckily for them, though, they don't have to go to class the school day after exams since it's credit recovery. The only people out to see the breathtaking sunset are them, the locals, a few stray families just packing up, and some photographers lucky enough to get some good shots.
“Jaemin,” Jeno begins, and the boy in question hums. “You told me yesterday what time you’d come pick me up, but you never said when we’d get back.”
They may not have to go to class tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean their parents won’t fret over them if they don’t come home until way after dark. Call him a mama’s boy, if you will, but he’d rather not worry them too much.
“I didn’t really have a time in mind. We can go back right now if you want,” Jaemin says.
“We don’t have to go right now… How about we just stay and watch the sunset for a little longer? And then we go?” Jeno suggests.
“That’s fine with me. I mean, I’ve kinda been looking at the sunset this whole time, but okay, a little longer isn’t gonna hurt,” Jaemin says.
The words make Jeno crack a bashful smile and flush a bit, as he hadn’t noticed the sky until just now, while in contrast Jaemin had been admiring the sky for long enough already. Jeno turns to the sky in an attempt to get rid of his blush. He takes it all in from one side to the other, like a camera in panorama mode. He tries to commit it to memory, the sight of the low waves coming and receding on the shore, the colours, and the feeling he gets inside from it (though it might actually be from Jaemin instead).
He feels Jaemin’s gaze on him from his side, but he pretends it’s not there, even though it’s kind of what he wants. He wants Jaemin to look at him. Then Jaemin is walking a bit in front of him, stretching his arms out and tilting his head up, eyes probably closing, to take a deep inhale of the seaside air. Subconsciously, Jeno finds himself copying Jaemin, beginning to truly breathe in the fresh scent. Jaemin’s arms then fall limply to his sides, and then a hand comes back up to run through his hair.
Jeno doesn’t know how much more of this he can take.
He doesn’t know how much longer he can keep suppressing his feelings just to be the ideal best friend figure, how much longer he can stay not knowing whether Jaemin likes him back or doesn’t, how much longer he can stay not knowing whether he ever stood a chance. He doesn’t know. He wants answers, but he’s too afraid to ask the questions. He’s too much of a coward, too afraid to confess, too afraid of change. He’s afraid of what Jaemin will say, or what he won’t say.
He just doesn’t want to ruin everything.
So as a test, Jeno hugs Jaemin from behind, but, to his dismay, Jaemin doesn't really react to it—his heartbeat doesn't rise from the intimacy or anything, and his body doesn't feel any warmer, not in the way Jeno does for Jaemin.
Really, he should've stopped there, for he should've gotten his answer already, and yet Jeno lets his lips ghost across Jaemin's nape. Jaemin stops breathing, and it's then that Jeno realizes he's being selfish and taking advantage.
Jeno quickly retracts from Jaemin, wondering why on Earth he'd done that just now, because he just made Jaemin uncomfortable and he's such a fucking idiot. It's no question that Jeno regrets doing what he did.
Jaemin doesn't mention it, even though he should know what Jeno had done—Jeno can only imagine all the times Mark has done that and more to Jaemin. Instead, it seems that Jaemin acknowledges it as an accident, and Jeno takes the opportunity to play it off as such. They both pretend like it never happened.
Jeno resigns to the fact that Jaemin just doesn't like him in that way.
I should've known, I should've known, I should've known, I should've known—the words are stuck on replay in his head like a broken record player, and Jeno just feels so stupid for believing he finally had a chance with Mark gone. But Jaemin only thinks of Jeno as a friend—he always has—and no doubt Jaemin probably thinks it's weird to see himself with Jeno in that way.
Stupid, stupid, stupid—
A tap on Jeno’s shoulder. “Tag.”
“What?” Jeno says, not quite comprehending what’s happening. He sees Jaemin’s hair and the hem of his shirt moving with the wind, a sheepish grin on Jaemin’s face, the childish sparkle in Jaemin’s eyes. Sees Mark in Jaemin’s eyes.
“I tagged you. You’re it,” Jaemin supplies, swaying from side-to-side on the balls of his feet.
“...Jaemin, we’re not kids anymore.”
Jaemin pouts. “You didn't say that earlier. I splashed you with water and you went with it. Just entertain me one more time.”
The sparkle turns into a glint of mischief as Jaemin takes a step back, and Jeno sees Jaemin again. Then he comes back to his senses and realizes it was Jaemin all along. You might be thinking it’s obvious, and you’re right, it is. It’s painfully so. It’s just Jeno being stupid again, and then Jeno remembering to look back and see things as they are. It’s just Jeno remembering why he fell in love with Jaemin in the first place.
“C’mon, you can do it. Just chase me—catch me if you can. Unless...you can’t?”
In the next few moments, Jeno temporarily lets go of all the unnecessary complications and goes back to being a kid, back to when things were simpler, or rather back to when he thought more simply, because there was never a time where things were truly simple. Life in and of itself is not simple; it's all in your head, how you perceive life. (At least, that's what Jeno thinks.)
Jeno just moves with the wind, as quickly as his legs can take him, with only one goal in sight: to tag Jaemin back.
Jeno finally tags him after his lungs start feeling like they're on fire, and the megawatt smile Jaemin sends him makes him think that it's okay if Jaemin doesn't love him back in that way. Jaemin loves him as a friend, and Jeno realizes that it's enough for him.
Jeno hopes this means closure for himself.
-----
Jeno stops trying to count sheep after another hour of sleep slips from between his fingers and into insomnia’s hands.
Jeno can’t sleep. He thinks it’s because he’s still high on the stress of having to finish an assignment that was meant to be worked on over two weeks in a single day.
Normally, Jeno never does things so last minute, as the well-organized non-procrastinator that he is (or usually is), but somehow things had taken a turn and he’d been too focused on all his other papers and projects that he managed to forget all about this one. It didn’t help that it was due on Friday, which happened to be the first day of May, meaning he had to flip to the next page of his monthly pocket planner to see his little reminder. (He’d gone to write in his new May due dates yesterday on Wednesday—or rather two days ago on Wednesday because it’s past midnight and thus technically Friday—only to see it and let out a curse.)
He’d worked on it all Thursday, leaving him needing to just print it quickly and hand it in on Friday morning, so he should be tired right now. Well, he is, he’s physically tired, but mentally? Not so much. With his body practically pinned to the bed with his comforter, his mind is filled with noise and random late-night thoughts coming and going at a mile a minute.
Do you call a fly that has lost its wings a walk? Nothing is on fire; fire is on things. Why is there a ‘D’ in the word ‘fridge’ but not ‘refrigerator?’ When you wait for a waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter? For a quick second, he hears Jaemin’s voice from two years ago asking, “Does a straw have one or two holes?” Overall, thoughts that make himself wonder if he’s on drugs.
It’s then that Jeno hears a lock click and sees a bit of light from the hall leak through the open crack of the door. It’s Donghyuck, his roommate and boyfriend.
It’s also 2 AM.
He can tell that Donghyuck is trying to be as quiet as he can entering their dorm so as to not wake Jeno up, but the thing is that he’s already awake. Jeno doesn’t usually see Donghyuck until he wakes up in the morning for class and finds Donghyuck sleeping soundly in his bed a few feet away with drool running down his chin. It’s because, unlike Donghyuck, Jeno doesn’t have a part-time job that stretches into the wee hours of the morning, and instead tries to consistently sleep at around midnight so he can go to his morning classes without feeling like complete shit. Donghyuck has had a fucked-up sleep schedule even before he got his current part-time job, so it's all afternoon and evening classes for him.
He’s fully prepared for Donghyuck to crash into bed without noticing Jeno’s insomnified state, but instead Donghyuck does notice and walks closer to Jeno’s side. It’s pretty dark but Jeno thinks he can just about make out the sight of a frown on Donghyuck’s face. Donghyuck stares at Jeno, and Jeno stares back.
“Jeno,” he starts softly, “why aren’t you asleep yet? You’re usually snoring around this time.”
Instead of immediately answering, Jeno's hand wraps around Donghyuck's wrist before pulling him down onto the bed. It’s surprisingly easy, even though his body is exhausted, and Donghyuck’s body plops onto Jeno’s with an oof.
Donghyuck cranks his head up from Jeno’s chest and smirks. “What was that for?”
“I just...wanted you closer,” Jeno mumbles. Donghyuck seems to take that as a good enough answer, not saying anything more.
Donghyuck makes himself comfortable and shifts so his whole body is on the bed instead of just his torso, or rather so his whole body is laying on top of Jeno's.
“...Do I snore?” Jeno asks.
It’s a curious question. He doesn’t really know if he does, since no one’s told him before now. His parents used to open the door to his bedroom as a kid to check if he was sleeping, and if they knew, they never told him. Countless sleepovers with Jaemin, and he’s never heard the other boy say anything either. Though, now that he thinks about it, it’s probably because he wasn’t exactly one to talk—Jeno had commented on Jaemin’s snoring before. Jaemin had never been awake to even hear him snore to retort anyway, always falling asleep before and waking up after Jeno. In contrast, Donghyuck doesn’t snore, just a constant sound of breathing in and out accompanied by the rise and fall of his chest. Soft and gentle, like a zephyr.
Jeno can both hear and feel the buzzing of Donghyuck's lips on his collar. “Yeah, you do," Donghyuck replies. "Sometimes I come back and just watch you sleep before going to sleep myself. Also, right now your eyes are kinda glowing—they’re bloodshot. So, let me ask again: why aren’t you asleep yet, Mr. Manages His Time Well and Sleeps at Twelve at the Very Latest?”
“Did I forget to tell you?”
Donghyuck lifts his head again and raises a slit brow in confusion. “Forget to tell me what?”
Jeno sighs. “For once, I fucked up and forgot about this one assignment I had two whole weeks to work on and I, uh, just remembered about it yesterday. Or two days ago. On Wednesday,” Jeno says, his stupid mouth fumbling with his words. “It’s due tomorrow morning, or wait, today-morning. So I spent all day working on it, and I actually finished it, like, two hours ago, but I couldn’t sleep right away. And now we’re here.”
“Huh. Never thought I’d see the day. So you're human after all,” Donghyuck says, the corner of his lips raising into a smile. “Did you set your alarm already? Don’t want you to miss class.”
“I...think so? I mean, I’m pretty sure I did, but I don’t want to check just in case I accidentally turn it off,” Jeno replies, before stifling a yawn. The way his face moves probably gives him away, though. He can feel himself get more sleepy by the second, eyelids drooping and his head feeling rock-heavy, his long day finally catching up with him.
Donghyuck raises his body and hovers over Jeno to reach for his phone on his nightstand before retracting back. Jeno sees the blue light from his phone reflect off of Donghyuck's face as he checks Jeno's alarm.
"You have an alarm for 8 AM," Donghyuck says. "That good, or…?"
"Yeah, that's good. It's due at 9. I can...I can manage with an hour."
Donghyuck turns off Jeno's phone, setting it back on the nightstand. "Okay. Anyway, it's time you actually go to sleep," he says. He cups Jeno's face and presses a kiss to his nose. "Night."
Jeno is about to wish Donghyuck a good night as well, but then Donghyuck makes a move to leave the bed and Jeno finds that he wants Donghyuck to stay. It's been a while since they've last slept in the same bed. So Jeno croaks out the word "Stay," and Donghyuck looks at him fondly before rolling back on the bed, on the side closest to the wall so Jeno won't have trouble getting out in the morning. He pulls Jeno's comforter over himself.
"Night," Donghyuck tries again.
Jeno smiles, closing his eyes. "Night."
(Jeno wakes up with Donghyuck curled up beside him, and he doesn't think much can bring down his happy mood.)
“—and that’s how I finished the assignment in just one day,” Jeno says, finishing off his explanation to Jaemin over video call. He’s lying on his stomach in bed while Jaemin is sitting at his desk, holding his phone with one hand and doing whatever else with the other. Jaemin hadn’t given him a chance to ask.
Jaemin hums. “And that’s why you didn’t answer any of my texts?” he asks, still stingy over his read but not replied-to messages.
“Yeah, sorry,” Jeno confirms. “...What are you doing right now?”
It’s then that Jaemin’s phone camera shakes, and Jeno can only see the ceiling of Jaemin’s dorm through the screen, as if Jaemin has tossed his phone on the bed for a second. Jaemin picks the phone back up again, and he has a loose jacket on. Jeno looks at the time, wondering if it’s time for Jaemin to go to his class already, if he had taken too long filling Jaemin in on his life. It’s not. Of course it’s not, because all of Jaemin’s Friday classes are in the morning and early afternoon, and while it’s only noon over here, Jaemin is three hours ahead of him, so he’s done. He blames his lack of sleep for not remembering something so simple.
“Renjunnie told me to come over to his room, so I’m on my way there right now,” Jaemin supplies. “He said he needs help with something. Didn’t say what, though. I don’t really know what he could need my help for, since he’s smarter than me… Unless—”
Jeno has an inkling of what Jaemin is about to say, what with Jaemin waggling his brows, and blushes at the topic. “You know what, I don’t wanna hear it,” Jeno says quickly.
Jaemin chuckles at Jeno’s reaction before saying, “I’m just kidding. Anyway, yeah, I gotta go.”
“‘Kay. Bye.”
“Bye,” Jaemin says, and the call ends.
Jeno has never met Renjun before. Not in person, anyway—he’s definitely seen Renjun pop in on the screen during his and Jaemin’s video calls more than a couple of times before, and they’ve talked about their relationships with Jaemin while he’s in the bathroom or something, recalling random memories and telling anecdotes. Renjun is Jaemin’s boyfriend and Jeno’s his childhood best friend, so they learn a lot about Jaemin from their conversations. (They don’t really talk about Jaemin with him there, though, for obvious reasons.) He’d consider Renjun a friend, just not a close one. Not yet, anyway.
The reason he’s never met Renjun is that he and Jaemin are halfway across the country. Jaemin had gotten a full-ride scholarship for college all the way in Ontario (apparently those volunteer hours had really paid off), and there had been no reason not to take it other than the fact that Jeno wouldn’t be there. It had taken Jeno a lot of convincing to make Jaemin take it, and there had even been a bit of crying because they’ve been by each other’s sides for half their entire lives and what am I gonna do without you? Jeno had told Jaemin that he was overreacting; they were still going to be friends, and they could still make efforts to keep in touch.
Jeno’s grateful that Donghyuck and Renjun understand his and Jaemin’s relationship to each other and aren't jealous. They video call each other at least once a week, making time for it somehow, and now more often their boyfriends are joining in. There’s never a dull moment when both of them join in at the same time, and even though Donghyuck and Renjun know practically nothing about each other, something between them clicks like it does for Jeno and Jaemin. It’s never awkward, and it almost feels like they aren’t separated by distance at all. Jeno’s glad they all feel comfortable and get along with each other. Jeno’s glad that Jaemin and Renjun are happy together.
Jeno’s glad that he’s finally moved on.
-----
It's September of '21 and Jeno's degree is at just a year's length when it's suddenly all over the news and on the tip of everyone's tongue, sending everyone into a collective, frenzied panic.
NASA fucked up.
At first, Jeno didn't believe it, thinking it to be just another one of those internet trolls trying to stir up some unnecessary panic with another fake Armageddon scenario. Then NASA came out with a public apology to the world, admitting their incompetence and inability to do anything to shift its destined course towards Earth. It's coming, and there is nothing anyone can do but wait for it.
A 1.7 kilometer, or 1.06 mile, asteroid. At least, that's its diameter right now. It used to be double.
It had already been on NASA's radar for over a year, its diameter around three tenths of the Chicxulub Impactor at the time, but calculations had shown that it was only going to graze Earth. That was what they told the public last March. But then it had recently changed course when a much smaller asteroid had apparently collided with it, a very rare occurrence. It did what the DART spacecraft NASA had deployed earlier this year was supposed to do to Didymoon and Didymos, but not, because it wasn't deflecting the asteroid but rather pushing it towards Earth, and at an even greater speed.
Deflecting an asteroid takes time. Several years worth of time. There needs to be preparation, planning, calculations, and assembly to even get a space probe ready, and then it needs to go into space to the asteroid. All of that takes years, and they don’t have that kind of time. They have less than a month.
It’s predicted that the asteroid will hit the Middle East. Evacuation is going underway, but they’re both running out of time and running out of space to move people to. Some people refuse to be evacuated; some people just can’t; some people have given up. People are fearing for their lives, and for good reason. People are going to die.
Even if the rest of humanity survives the initial impact, the asteroid collision would surely cause an impact winter, where the dust and debris from the impact goes into the atmosphere, blocking out sunlight. No sunlight means no precipitation, and no precipitation means no crop yield, and no crop yield means widespread famine. Not to mention the drastic drops in temperature worldwide—winters in the summer, even worse winters for the northern hemisphere, and not everyone even has a home. People are going to die.
NASA fucked up.
And Jeno, what does Jeno think about all of this? Half of Jeno thinks it’s funny. He thinks it’s funny how articles from a few years ago said that it would take a one-to-two kilometer asteroid to ‘cause damage on a global scale’ and ‘have worldwide effects,’ but those terms weren’t quite explained in full until now. He thinks it’s funny that NASA and world leaders didn’t take the chance of an asteroid collision seriously enough, claiming there to be such a small chance of one actually hitting, claiming they’re doing enough. Haven't they ever heard of Murphy's Law? Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong?
The other half of him thinks he’s in disbelief. Denial, even when all the facts are laid out in front of him and he’s practically memorized them all, as though for some sort of final exam that his life depends on, except it isn’t. If only it was, and the end of the human race wasn’t upon them.
Every day, Jeno tries to convince himself that he’s living in a nightmare, and all he has to do is wake up. This can’t be how the world ends—he hasn’t even met Renjun, the one who means everything to Jaemin, in person, hasn’t even graduated college, hasn’t even paid back his parents (much less come out to them), hasn’t even proposed to Donghyuck, hasn’t even asked Jaemin to be his best man at his and Donghyuck’s wedding, hasn’t grown old with Donghyuck, nothing. He hasn’t done any of that, and he never will. He’s harshly reminded every night that this isn't a dream, but reality, and there is nothing he can do, and he hates it. The asteroid is going to hit, and Jeno’s life is going to change forever.
(Jeno stops trying to 'wake up' after a week, but only to keep what's left of his sanity. He doesn't realize he's forgotten to call Jaemin.)
Donghyuck doesn’t react like Jeno. At first, he, too, thought that it was all a hoax. When he learned that it was real, though, he didn’t go into the state of denial Jeno did. Instead, he became devastated and stricken with grief. Jeno thinks Donghyuck has accepted that this is how things are, and has realized that the only thing he can do is mourn, so he mourns. Jeno isn’t like Donghyuck.
Classes still go on, even when positively everyone, the professors included, has grim looks on their faces, knowing full-well what will come to pass. Most of the students are skipping class since there’s no point—they have no future anymore, because that was taken away by some stupid asteroid.
Jeno drags himself to class one day, only to find the lecture room completely barren, save for a minor few. Usually, this professor has a good teaching style and makes constant attempts to be enthusiastic, and they still do try to be enthusiastic, but Jeno can tell it’s hard for them. His next class doesn’t even have a professor to teach anyone. He walks back to his dorm, keeping his head down.
When he gets back, he finds Donghyuck still in bed but with his blanket pulled up so his head is completely covered in an attempt to block out all light and sound. It's like he's trying to sleep the days away. Jeno frowns at his boyfriend's dejected state before toeing over to the bed.
Jeno doesn't think he's seen Donghyuck eat since yesterday morning. He briefly compares Donghyuck to a caterpillar in a cocoon. One day, it just stops eating and wraps itself up in silk in hopes to metamorphosize into a beautiful butterfly. Maybe Donghyuck, too, is hoping that when he wakes up he'll find everything all better. Only, Donghyuck isn't a caterpillar starving itself only to digest itself; starving himself isn't going to do him any good, much less change the course of the asteroid around.
"Hyuck," Jeno begins, gently lowering himself onto the bed. The springs of the bed squeak from the new weight, but Jeno doesn't pay it any mind. "Wake up and come to the cafeteria with me—you need to eat something."
Donghyuck groans. "I already ate," he says.
"And what did you eat?"
"...Chips," Donghyuck mumbles, and Jeno nearly misses it since his voice is also muffled by the blanket.
"You can't live off of just junk food, you gotta eat some actual food."
"The caf only has fast-food, it's not that different," Donghyuck retorts, and Jeno is surprised he even has the energy to.
"At least a burger and fries is more filling than a bag of chips," Jeno says. "And you know the caf has healthy stuff too, right? Organic stuff. You just choose the fast-food. Well, except when the only fast-food on the menu is pizza. You hate pizza."
"Why you gotta call me out like this," Donghyuck says, finally throwing the blanket off his body. His hair is a mess, one tuff just pointed completely upward. "Also, hate is a strong word, I just said I didn't like pizza."
Jeno smiles for the first time in what feels like forever.
Jeno only remembers to call Jaemin when he gets a text from the latter, saying, are you ok? you didn't call.. i wanna talk to you about something.
Jeno stares at the message for a while, trying to think of a way to somehow convince Jaemin that he was okay (even when he wasn't), apologize for worrying Jaemin, and ask what he wanted to talk about. He's tried typing out his response three times before giving up and just telling Jaemin the truth. (He's already bad at texting as it is—lying just makes things harder.)
no, i'm not. i mean i kinda am now but also am not still? i'm better now than i was last week at least but. sorry for worrying you. call?
Jeno sends the text, and his phone starts ringing with Jaemin's contact on his screen almost instantly. Jeno accepts the call.
"Yo," Jaemin says, and Jeno parrots him. He notices that Jaemin’s background isn’t his usual dorm room. "I forgive you for worrying me. I get it, with the news and all. Could drive you insane."
It nearly did, Jeno thinks. He doesn't tell Jaemin.
"...How are you dealing with the news?" Jeno asks.
"I've been living my life as usual. Actually, I’ve been wilding a bit. I just feel like, with the world coming to an end and all, I shouldn't waste the time I have left, you know? So I’ve been doing what I want,” Jaemin says, and Jeno wishes he could be like him. Or, be like himself—he used to always say that he did what he wanted. “Like, I’m in our hometown right now, with Renjun.”
“Wait, wait,” Jeno says. Pause everything. “Are you at your house right now? Did you come out to your parents? Did they accept you? Did they like Renjun?” The questions tumble out of his mouth at the pace of a waterfall.
“About that...we’re in a Starbucks in town,” Jaemin says, rotating the camera to show the cafe and Renjun throwing a peace sign, wearing an oversized hoodie. "You know the local coffee shop that used to be in the plaza like two minutes from the corner store we always went to? Yeah, they made it a Starbucks. Uh. We’re about to go to my house? And I’m going to introduce Renjun as my boyfriend to my parents—that’s the plan—but I’m scared. There are so many ways this could go wrong. I keep thinking of backing out last minute, even when we literally spent the money to take a flight here. I guess it’s possible that they miss me so much and want to see me so much that they don’t care, but that’s just wishful thinking. If all goes to shit, I’m going to just thank them for everything and leave, then go straight to your parents’ house and thank them for everything because they’re my second parents. And then I’ll just walk off the face of the Earth.”
“...Wow,” Jeno says. He doesn’t really have any words to say after Jaemin had rambled so much. “Okay, then good luck. You said you were going now, right?”
“Wait, no, that’s actually not what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Huh?” That wasn’t? Then what—
“Remember that time we went to the beach after finals?” Jaemin asks, and Jeno gulps, having an idea of what Jaemin was going to ask next. “You—when we were looking at the sunset one last time, and then you hugged me and—” Jeno remembers that Renjun is there to listen to the whole thing, and everyone else in the store can hear too, if they decide to eavesdrop.
“Jaemin,” Jeno says, cutting him off. “Can we talk about this in private?”
“Oh, yeah, right. Jun, I’m gonna go outside for a little bit. Wait here for me,” Jaemin says, and he can hear Renjun give Jaemin an ‘okay’ before Jaemin walks out of the Starbucks to the parking lot, where it’s at least slightly more private. Jeno is glad that it isn’t windy, being mid-September and all. “Anyway, you hugged me and then you did...that. Why did you do that? And...and why did you do what you did right after?”
“...I’m surprised that you even remember that. It was three years ago, after all,” Jeno says.
“I haven’t been able to forget about it,” Jaemin admits.
“Why do you still want to know, even after all these years?”
“Bucket list. If there’s ever going to be a time I end up asking, it might as well be now. Unless you plan on taking the secret all the way to your grave, which could very well be a possibility.”
“That took a turn,” Jeno remarks.
Jaemin doesn’t say anything, just waiting for him to answer the question. He takes a deep breath. Jaemin’s right—if there’s ever going to be a time Jeno tells Jaemin, it might as well be now. He’ll get the real closure he wanted. It probably won’t change anything now, since they’re both way past it, he reasons.
“I did it because I liked you, at the time,” Jeno confesses. “I had liked you—no, loved you since we were nine years old, for nine years, even while you were dating Mark. I actually wanted to tell you I liked you when we came out to each other, but I thought it would make everything more awkward between us if you said no, and then you started talking about Mark. Then you didn’t date anyone after Mark, and I thought, ‘maybe I have a chance now.’ So that’s why I did it. And why I pulled away so quickly? Because I thought you were uncomfortable, and then I thought that my feelings weren’t worth it if they made you uncomfortable.”
There is complete silence from Jaemin on the other end, and he doesn’t move either, jaw just set. He wonders if Jaemin just lost connection. Of course not. “I...wish you had told me earlier. I wish I had told you earlier.”
“...Told me what earlier?” Jeno asks, and he wants to take his question back right away. Does Jeno really want to know? Jeno reminds himself that they’re both way past it. He lets the words hang in the air and waits for Jaemin to speak.
“I liked you, too.” Four words. Four words, and yet they manage to turn Jeno’s entire life upside-down so easily.
“What, what do you mean you—you can’t have. You couldn’t have, it’s not—” Fair. It’s not fair.
Jaemin grimaces. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. I didn’t start liking you at nine years old, but in freshman year of high school…I started to see guys differently. I started to see you differently. But I didn’t want to tell you I liked you because I was afraid it would ruin our friendship.”
“Then what about Mark? Was that fake?”
Jaemin sighs. “It wasn’t fake. I liked you both, at the same time. I thought, if I couldn’t be with you, I could at least be with Mark," he says, then pauses for a second before continuing. "I...I try not to live my life with regret. But I’ve been regretting not telling you about my feelings all these years. And when you did what you did at the beach senior year, I realized that there might’ve been a chance. That you liked me, too. That you could’ve liked me for a long time. And I regretted not waiting just a little while longer when we came out to each other—you were about to say something, and then I interrupted you, saying I liked Mark. You know, Mark liked you, too; Mark was okay with having another person. It didn’t have to be me and Mark, and then you. We could’ve been three.”
A heavy silence falls between them, and all that repeats in Jeno’s head are the words, we could’ve been three. We could’ve been three. We could’ve been three. Jeno can’t wrap his head around it. This is too much for him, too much for him to handle. Jaemin liked him back? Mark liked him too? In the end, Jeno just sighs. He has many regrets, he knows, but this takes the cake. Things could’ve been so much different if only he had taken the risk. But there’s no turning back time, and they’ve both moved on with new people. They’re both happy now.
There’s no more use in thinking of what could’ve been.
“Jaemin,” Jeno begins, breaking the silence. “Thank you for telling me everything. Now we can both have some real closure.”
“...Yeah. Closure,” Jaemin says. “I gotta go now, Renjun’s been waiting for a while now, I think we took too long.”
“Okay, bye. And hope it goes well with your parents,” Jeno says.
Jaemin smiles. “Thanks. Bye,” and then the call ends with Jeno falling down on his bed and feeling as though a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.
He hadn’t expected to ever have that conversation with Jaemin, but does anyone know what they’d do in their last moments?
(Donghyuck comes back to the dorm after his afternoon classes have finished up for the day. Jeno runs into him as soon as he closes the door, pinning him to the wall and kissing him deeply. Donghyuck kisses him back, a hand coming up to run through Jeno’s hair and another on his shoulder, and only when they pull away does he ask Jeno what that was about.
Jeno ducks his head to the side of Donghyuck’s neck. “I love you, you know that?”
He doesn’t see Donghyuck’s eyes widen because, while they both use the word ‘love’ instead of ‘like,’ Jeno doesn’t really put it into words often. “Yeah, I do. And I love you,” Donghyuck whispers into his ear. “Also, you didn’t answer the question.”
Jeno looks up at Donghyuck, whose eyes are filled with fondness at him. Jeno laughs, before saying, “I just wanted to make sure you knew. Hey, let’s try not to live with any more regrets, okay?” Donghyuck hums.)
Jeno swears to remember the sunsets.