Archive of Our Own ^beta

Two hours prior to this moment, Tadashi’s been feeling nothing but anticipation.

Now that the object of his month-long worry and grief—a damned pilot in a mission ship—has boarded the docks, that hopeful feeling morphs into a hole in his chest, sucking in dread at such high speed he gasps.

Something jabs at his side softly. He peers at Kei next to him. The blonde keeps his gaze forward.

Tadashi has known him long and well enough to make out when he’s genuinely apathetic—which people will be surprised to know is actually only half the time—and when he’s just making an effort to appear so. Kei’s tight lips and sharp eyes are all he needs to figure this one out.

Tadashi can only imagine how the taller feels. His boyfriend of three years is the captain of the returning squad after all.

A single drawn out horn buzz signals the closing of the dock gates and the opening of the oxygen vents inside. Sharp intakes of breath echo around Tadashi. Maybe he also makes the same sound, he can’t be sure.

They’d heard from the White Crow a couple of hours ago. Working in Communications and Mission Control, he was one of the first few who made contact with the squad after 685 hours of radio blackout. The success of their rogue rescue operation was nothing short of a miracle. No lives lost and the crew members of their target ship are all in one piece. Captain Ushijima relayed through the shaky holographic screen that they’d be docking in two hours. The Head of Command, Sawamura Daichi, promised them disciplinary action for disobeying orders; also, a celebration for their safe return.

The tension Tadashi’s been carrying around his shoulders for the last month eases at the news, but it doesn’t disappear altogether. He has to see him. Breathing and smiling and lighting up the room with ill-timed jokes that Tadashi finds funny anyway.

This incites a conflict because at the same time, he wants to punch him. He wants to scream at him and kick him and just get rid of all these feelings that take and take and take from him.

Tadashi hates him.

And yet, he doesn’t.

The entrance to the docking station slides open and the crowd flashes past. Tadashi reacts a little too slowly, feet like lead his legs can’t lift. The thought of the gravity in the space station being too strong flits in his head but everyone else seems to move just fine.

A pressure encloses his wrist. And then he’s being pulled towards the mission ship. Kei is still keeping his gaze forward.

The first ones out the ship are the rescuees—Akaashi Keiji, Tendou Satori, and Hinata Shouyou who lost communication from all towers in the middle of a scouting expedition. Their friends rush over to them, hugging and crying and screaming ‘I missed you’s and ‘I thought you were gonna die’s. Tadashi vaguely thinks he should probably ask Hinata how he’s feeling, but his eyes are peeled and zeroed in on the ship entrance.

Kei lets go of his wrist when the captain comes out. He brisks like Tadashi has never seen him ever do before only to stop right in front of a surprised Ushiwaka.

The sound of palm smacking flesh reverberates in the docking station. It goes silent.

Tadashi doesn’t have to see Kei’s face to know it must show fury and frustration. Soon enough, the blonde’s mouth slams into the captain’s. Gasps are heard all over the room.

Of course. Public displays of intimacy are neither Kei’s nor Ushijima’s thing. But Tadashi guesses this time is an exception.

“Jesus, fuck– get a room, you two!”

The couple breaks apart at the familiar voice. A tall man with spiky black hair emerges from the ship with a scowl fixed where a signature smirk usually is.

“I step out of that chunk of metal for the first time in weeks and the first thing I see is Ushijima making out with my cute kouhai?” Kuroo rubs his forehead in fake dismay.

“Kei is my kouhai, too,” Ushijima retorts matter-of-factly.

“Non-engineers don’t get to talk.”

“Please, it’s not like you aren’t way worse with Iwaizumi-san.” Kei then turns to face his senior engineer. Ushijima lets him but keeps an arm around his waist.

Tadashi thinks that must be nice.

And there it is, Kuroo’s smirk, wider than usual. “Fair enough.”

“Don’t just admit that without a fight.” Iwaizumi strides into the scene pouting and red-faced, probably sheepish from being called out. “You’re embarassing.”

“But it’s true.” As if to back up that statement, as soon as his boyfriend reaches him, Kuroo pulls him into a liplock.

In contrast to the earlier reaction, this time almost everyone groans. To be honest, though, they’re just doing it out of principle now. They’re used to this. The whole station has an unspoken consensus that Kuroo and Iwaizumi are most likely to have sex in the cafeteria at dinner if they get drunk enough.

“Missed you.” Kuroo buries his face in the shorter’s neck.

“Yeah.” Iwaizumi elbows him hard. The engineer doubles over.

“Can the four lovebirds move from the ramp? Some people actually want to finally get off this ship.”

Tadashi’s lungs freeze.

That’s him.

The last ones out are the two pilots of the White Crow. Kageyama instantly moves to Akaashi’s side, and then fidgets there. Akaashi glances at him and smiles. He holds his hand. The raven-haired pilot startles and goes an aggressive shade of crimson. Hinata teases that he has steam coming off of his head, and Kageyama makes a noise that suspiciously sounds like a weak bark.

Well, that’s a development. Tadashi is happy for him. He’s been pining over Akaashi for years, and he’s the reason—along with his orange-haired best friend—Kageyama went on the rescue op.

That’s how it hits him. Like an asteroid that got pulled into a gravitation field, the realization crashes on Tadashi’s head. All these scenes unfolding before him are happy endings. Satisfying conclusions to a buildup. The curtain call.

And Tadashi doesn’t know where he fits.

Yuuji hasn’t changed much. His sunset blonde hair is slightly longer, but not enough to mess with his undercut. He’s not wearing his ear studs, and probably not his tongue piercing too. Tadashi is glad that he at least followed wardrobe protocol on a rogue mission.

His smile is exactly the same. Surrounded by his friends from the Johzenji Division, he laughs and jokes with them about what happened in their journey, what dangers they faced and overcame. Yuuji’s always been a fan of theatrics so he tells the story with grand gestures and silly sound effects.

Everyone inevitably forms groups around who they waited in front of the docking station for. Tadashi belatedly registers that he’s a meter away from all of them. Stuck in his own head.

When brown eyes land on him, he just.

Stops.

Stops thinking. Stops breathing.

Yuuji beams at him. But Tadashi’s face must have betrayed him then, because the older’s eyes suddenly fill with guilt. And that’s it. That’s all he can take.

Tadashi lets all the emotions fall on him in an avalanche. The relief and joy because he’s there and he made it and he’s breathing and he’s okay; and the anger and hurt because he went on that unofficial mission and endangered himself and didn’t even care to warn Tadashi beforehand.

When he’s suffocated himself enough to be forced to inhale again, the air is rough on his nose and lungs. His eyes are wet. He can’t be here.

Tadashi runs.

He’s been dating Terushima Yuuji for seven months now. Six if you count off the last 29 days of them literally not talking to each other. For some people that’s long enough and for others it’s still a little too short. For Tadashi, it’s further than he ever imagined himself going with someone.

He’s not one of the attractive ones in the station. He’s part of the background, a character most people pass by without a second glance. People know him for being that guy who’s always on Tsukishima Kei’s tail. Neither of them likes it, but Tadashi can’t exactly blame them. He chose to cling to Kei as a kid after all.

This wasn’t his first relationship by any means but his previous ones had always felt like he wasn’t actually part of it. Like his partner was in it for something else; getting close to other people in the Karasuno Division, or just Kei, or heck maybe even Kei’s boyfriend.

Of course, his best friend was always quick on the uptake and would warn him in roundabout ways. Not that he needed to, Tadashi almost always got dumped after a month anyway.

Yuuji was the first one to make him feel liked. It surprised everyone, even him. Because the blonde was known as the flashy playboy who went for every pretty face in their spacecraft. And Tadashi was just... himself.

After no small amount of disbelief and coaxing, and teasing from both of their friends, Tadashi finally said ‘fuck it’ and dated him. After that came the most colorful and bizarre days of his life. It was fun to be Yuuji’s boyfriend, but most of all he felt seen and respected and accounted for.

Now he’s beginning to doubt that.

Yuuji is impulsive and plays life by ear, Tadashi is not oblivious to that fact. But if you’re going on an unapproved flight, in which you’ll cut off all communication towers and pilot a ship into uncharted territories—where other ships have literally gone missing before—Tadashi thinks your partner at least deserves a heads-up.

One day, he just woke up to an alarm. A mission ship was gone and so were the four crew members of the White Crow. No one knew what happened except for two people: Kei and Iwaizumi.

Tadashi felt a hollowness in his chest.

He was worried and confused and ashamed and hurt. He’d cried on Kei’s shoulders and slept on his bed for three days.

Did he not trust me? Did he even think of me? He'd ask himself.

What if he dies? I don’t get to kiss him one more time or tell him goodbye, when his thoughts got really bad, I don't get to be prepared that he might die and make the most of my time with him.

Why didn’t he give me a chance?

Yuuji didn’t give him a chance.

Tadashi doesn’t realize he’s stopped running until he’s entering his cabin. He sits on his bed and just lets the tears fall. He feels so pathetic, crying like this. He’s not a child anymore, he’s not the bullied trainee Kei saved.

Somehow, this all feels so much worse because he doesn’t even know what’s actually right. Before he can debate it over with himself, it beeps inside his room and the doors open.

Shit.

He forgot to lock external access.

He frantically wipes his eyes and wills himself to stop crying. Yuuji takes tentative steps inside. When Tadashi casts his gaze on him, the guilt in his eyes amplify. He hates that look. It doesn’t suit the blonde.

None of them speak for a few moments. The silence rings louder than any mayday alarm Tadashi’s ever heard.

“Why’d you leave? I was the only one without a boyfriend welcoming me back.” Yuuji chuckles but it dies quick.

Tadashi hates this.

“Why did you do that?” He stands to level with the blonde before him, the three centimeters he has on the man giving him some grounding.

“I’m sorry. For worrying you.” Yuuji looks at the ground, fists clenched at his sides. Tadashi wants to take them in his. He wants to scold him and tell him not to do that or else he’ll hurt himself. He wants to rub his thumbs over them until they’re eased up.

He doesn’t.

“That’s not what I mean.” The shorter furrows his eyebrows. “I’m asking why you went without asking me, or even just telling me.”

He gulps a chunk of air and breathe’s out, “Don’t you think I deserve that?” Tadashi is desperate. He doesn’t know what for but he’s so so desperate.

“I thought...” Yuuji sucks in a breath and exhales heavily. “I thought you wouldn’t let me. And I wanted to help.”

“So you just went out there without giving me anything at all?” He fixes his eyes on a spot on the wall behind Yuuji. “I had to hear from Iwaizumi-san about your plans. I had to have him break down to me how you were voluntarily putting yourself at death’s door. You couldn’t even look me in the eye and tell me that yourself.”

“I didn’t want you to try to stop me!” The blonde steps forward to make his point. “Because I won’t. I know how anxious you get about these things. I didn’t want you to be upset and fight before we went.”

“I’m not a baby, Yuuji!” Tadashi surprises even himself with his raised voice. “If you’re going to put yourself in serious danger, I can’t just be left out here with no clue where you are and what you’re doing and why.”

He rubs his arm and squeezes. “What if you decided to go on that mission alone? Then I’d have no idea at all what you’re going to go through.”

“You don’t understand.” Yuuji’s hand hovers over his arm and he flinches backward. The look of confusion in the blonde’s eyes claws on Tadashi’s chest. The other man chews on his lip. “The decision was an in-the-moment thing. Kageyama was going to go alone, and we just caught him. If we didn’t make up our minds fast, he would’ve died out there.”

“That’s not an excuse. Tsukki and Iwaizumi-san both got told, and thinking that during that time you could have told me...” His gaze falls. It’s even more depressing to say out loud.

“It’s different. For us.” The older’s face scrunches up hard. Tadashi hates that even more. He’s never seen him like that. “I didn’t want to have the argument. I was going to save lives, and I didn’t want to fight with you about it. I shouldn’t have to.”

Oh.

That stings.

“You shouldn’t have to,” he repeats, mind numb. “Why am I even your boyfriend then?”

Yuuji doesn’t answer.

“What? For your personal validation? For sex?” Yuuji flinches. Tadashi hates himself. He feels his voice shrink in his throat. “I trusted you, Yuuji. I hoped you could have trusted me too.”

Then they’re just quiet.

Tadashi is close to crying again, but he won’t. Not after what he said. He doesn’t deserve it.

“Well I hate to break it to you, Tadashi, but the universe doesn’t revolve around you.”

He feels like choking. Yuuji hurt him, and Tadashi hurt him back. Now, the tennis ball is in his court again. This isn’t what he had in mind when this confrontation started.

“People needed rescuing, and I came to their rescue. I’m a space pilot, being in constant danger is part of my job. I don’t have to answer to you about it. You’re not my owner.”

The fight finally drains out of Tadashi’s bones.

He turns his back on the blonde.

“Okay. I get it.” His voice is quiet and even. He almost thinks it’s not coming from him. “You can go now.”

“Tadashi—”

“We can’t talk like this.”

“No—”

“Please.” His voice breaks. He hates that too. It’s unfair. “Just go.”

It’s like they spend an eternity standing there in silence, until the beep of the door sounds. That’s when Tadashi slips into bed and lets himself cry.

He lives as a ghost for a week. His friends know he’s there, he exists, but they don’t see him.

Well, not literally, because he still has to go to work. But outside those hours, he stays cooped up in his cabin. Kei brings him food. Sometimes he eats it, sometimes he doesn’t. His best friend doesn’t ask what happened. Neither does anyone else. Whether they’re being considerate or just don’t care, Tadashi is thankful either way.

He doesn’t see Yuuji at all, and that’s because he actively avoids any and all places he may run into him. The Johzenji quarters, the docks, the mission deck, anywhere he’s likely to see someone with a black studs on is crossed off of his paths.

If he sees him, he doesn’t know what he’ll do. He doesn’t even know what he can do. What are they anymore to do anything anyway? Did they break up? Was that a breakup? Tadashi told him to go, so if they’re over, he’s the one who ended it. That’s what Yuuji is going to say when people ask and he’s going to be right. But Tadashi doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to break up.

So what do you want? His mind is as uncooperative as ever.

He doesn’t know; what he wants, what he needs to do. How do you fix things like this? Is this even fixable?

This is Tadashi’s first ever real fight with a boyfriend. This is the first time his heart is broken like this. This is the first time he’s broken someone’s heart too.

What do I do now? His thoughts just spiral and spiral into this cycle whenever he’s left alone.

And it finally breaks when Kei demands he go to the celebration of the White Crow’s and the rescuees’ return.

He’s uncharacteristically persistent.

“I kept you from dying in this room for a week. I get to order you one thing in return. That’s head and shoulders above a generous deal.” Kei pulls the blanket off of him and starts folding it despite his whines.

“Tsukki, I’m really not feeling well,” he tries but it gets him a sharp glare thrown his way. He squeaks in horror.

“Hurry up and get ready.” The taller kicks Tadashi off the bed—an ‘ow’ echoing off the walls of his cabin—and starts fixing it. “Akaashi-san is waiting for us.”

“Akaashi-san?” he probes.

“It’s some sort of... mix between a welcoming ceremony and a punishment.” Kei’s face twists in a way that conveys his own confusion.

Tadashi doesn’t understand but he doesn’t have the energy to ask. He goes to the bathroom to get ready and tries to look decent. At least, as decent a man who has been stewing away in his depressing thoughts for a week can look.

Twenty minutes later, they’re in front of the cafeteria and Tadashi’s throat is bobbing too often to be normal. Yuuji is going to be there for sure, and he’s going to have a huge presence like the life of the party that he is. Tadashi is... going to blend in with the wall or something.

A weight gently settles over his shoulder. When he checks, Kei is looking straight at him. Tadashi wants to cry. But at least now for a happier reason than the past week.

He nods and Kei directs him to a table that’s uncomfortably placed at the center of the room. The cafeteria is organized to resemble the balls on Earth, square tables scattered instead of lined up to make the usual long tables. They even have the pre-arranged placemats, utensils, and glasses of water. Iwaizumi and Akaashi are already seated around the center table, but no signs of their significant others. His mouth opens to form a question but,

“Okay, it seems everyone is here.”

Shouts and whistles and claps boom over the expanse of the cafeteria. Tadashi sits across Akaashi, with Iwaizumi and Kei on either side of him. Everyone’s attention go to the makeshift stage in the innermost section, near the kitchen, where the sixty-eighth Head of Command of the Earthean Space Station stands. Daichi smiles and rubs the back of his head as he waits for the cheers to die down.

When they don’t, “Alright, enough guys. None of you are getting a day off tomorrow.”

“Boo!” shouts Sugawara, Tadashi’s senior in CMC, from a nearby table and the crowd breaks into a collective fit of laughter.

“You’re getting a double shift, Suga,” the commander retaliates behind the microphone. The silver-haired male grins, knowing full well it’s an empty threat.

This is surprisingly fine. This is normal and actually nice. He’s glad Kei forced him to go.

The room eventually turns quiet.

“Thank you,” Daichi sighs. “First order of business, we’re here to celebrate the success of the two hundred and forty‑seventh scouting expedition crew.”

Akaashi stands, and Tadashi scans the room to see Hinata and Tendou do the same.

“They brought home with them exhaustive data of an undocumented planet with a reversing orbit. We’re going to run it by analytics soon. Let’s give them a brief round of applause.”

Tadashi claps with everyone. From afar, Hinata smiles brightly at the crowd and Tadashi feels a twinge of guilt. He hasn’t come to see his friend since his return; he almost died in the middle of nowhere, for stars’ sakes. He makes a mental note to check on him at some point, after his mind sorts itself out.

The sound of Daichi clearing his throat halts the applause.

“Next, of course, we’re also celebrating the people who brought our brothers back.” He’s speaking hurriedly like he wants to just skim through it. Tadashi hides a small chuckle, but truth be told, he doesn’t need to because a lot of them are reacting the same. Of course, Daichi is still upset with the White Crow’s deliquent move.

However, the called on members of the squad spill over to the stage, and Tadashi’s throat dries up. Ushijima is walking in front of them, tall and proud as he always is. The rest of them though, are pushing one another in a competition of who can go last.

“The White Crow,” Daichi brings out a piece of paper, and it dawns on Tadashi that it’s supposed to be a script. “The Station is delighted to have such skilled and courageous space voyagers who are willing to put themselves in line of fatal danger for the sake of their fellows.”

It’s the most monotonous Tadashi has ever heard Daichi speak. The commander folds the piece of paper and puts it back in his pocket.

“However,” he stresses, “Skill and courage will not always be sufficient. Protocols, mission controllers, they’re there for a reason—for you to be able to utilize those skills in the best ways, while also exposing you to minimal danger.”

Ushijima nods seriously, resulting in Tadashi’s best friend facepalming next to him. The other three squirm on stage.

“That said, these four men behind me have something to say.”

Kei and Iwaizumi suspiciously take out their hologram recorders with visible snickers on their faces. Tadashi meets eyes with Akaashi, finding that the confusion is mutual.

“Don’t worry, you guys, I have plenty of space for yours,” Iwaizumi declares, full-on smirking now.

Daichi slips to the side of the stage, letting Ushijima stand in front of the mic. The brunette doesn’t waste a single moment. “I, Ushijima Wakatoshi, apologize sincerely for my rash actio...”

The rest of what Ushijima says is muddled in Tadashi’s ears because of how loud the laughter is around them. This doesn’t deter the captain in the least, proceeding with his memorized speech with a dry tone, which just cracks the people up harder.

Tadashi is glad they’re having fun; the station has been on edge since Akaashi’s expedition crew got reported missing. As expected of Daichi, he really knows what the people need.

It’s nice. It really is. But Tadashi can’t put his heart into the fun of it.

Especially when Yuuji’s turn to speak comes.

He’s in the middle of the spiel when they lock eyes. It’s just a flash, Tadashi’s head swerving down as soon as it happens. Yet, Yuuji’s voice chokes in the middle. The crowd laughs at it but the sound gripes at his chest. The blonde manages to play it off as a fluke, but Tadashi knows better.

He keeps his head down through Kageyama’s shout-over-the-embarassment recitation.

Daichi takes the mic again, smiling in evident satisfaction. “Well, now that we made that clear, let’s give them a round of applause for their heroic deeds.”

The people howl and laugh as they clap. The cause of the applause are not really happy, but they’ll take it if it will make their punishment lighter. Daichi gives a standard ‘enjoy the rest of the evening’ and leaves the stage with the four offenders in tow.

Tadashi coughs without thinking. Now that the ruckus is over, he has to actually socialize with the people in the table and two of the men here are not only senior pilots that Tadashi has never worked with, they’re also from different divisions. His nervous cough backfires, though, as three pairs of eyes land on him.

And wow, he’s really not attractive enough to be in this table.

He fidgets with the hem of his shirt. “Um. It’s not—”

“I’ll get us food first, then we’ll talk about your boy problems.” Iwaizumi pushes his seat back.

What. “Wait, no—”

“I’ll come with,” adds Akaashi.

Before Tadashi can say anything else, they’re both heading to the buffet table. Which leaves him to drown in his panic about possibly having boy talk with older men who he has not said a single word to before.

“They’re not that much older.”

Tadashi’s head snaps up. “Uh... huh?”

“You were muttering.” Kei hands him a glass of water. He downs it all in one gulp. “You’re going to choke.”

He doesn’t, fortunately. “Tsukki, I’m fine, you didn’t have to do this.” He puts the glass back on the table and peeks at the taller’s face. Yeah, he disagrees with that statement big time.

“That’s a lie, but for the record, this wasn’t my idea,” he reveals, which confuses Tadashi because who else would know he’s having problems with his relationship?

Kei reads him, as expected. “Wakatoshi asked me to set this up. On Kuroo-san’s request, I guess.”

“Why would Kuroo-san do that?”

Kei looks at him like that’s supposed to be a stupid question. “Why do you think?”

He doesn’t get to answer that. Iwaizumi and Akaashi arrive with four plates, setting food on each of the placemats.

They settle down and Iwaizumi clears his throat. “Before we get to any serious business, let’s formally welcome Akaashi to our club.”

“There’s a club?” Akaashi is quick to ask.

“There isn’t,” Kei clarifies.

“There isn’t yet, but I think we have to normalize this so what’s happening with Yamaguchi doesn’t happen again.” Iwaizumi sticks his fork into a piece of meat and chomps it down.

The rest of the table takes it as a cue to start eating as they chat. Tadashi is both amazed that he knows his name and horrified that they’re touching this topic so soon and so casually.

“That’s impossible, Iwaizumi-san,” Kei reminds but still frowns at the truthfulness of his statement.

“Well, fair point.” The older takes a sip of water. “But we can at least minimize the damages.”

The blonde shrugs.

Iwaizumi continues. “So, welcome to the ‘My Boyfriend is an Idiot’ club, Akaashi.”

Akaashi glances around the table. “Thanks. I guess?”

“Now.”  Iwaizumi fixes his gaze at Tadashi.

He gulps. “I don’t know,” he says, and it’s stupid because he wasn’t even asked a question but he feels like he needs to answer to that stare.

“What’s the deal with you and Terushima right now?” It’s Kei who asks it. It’s a question he’s probably been wanting to ask Tadashi for the past week.

He panics and looks around in case there’s any sign of a sunset blonde with an undercut. He doesn’t want Yuuji to think that he’s talking behind his back.

“Don’t worry, he’s not gonna go near here,” Iwaizumi assures and Tadashi thinks that’s the softest he’s heard the pilot talk. “Actually, none of those four idiots are. Daichi’s got us covered.”

Tadashi sighs.

His eyes cast themselves on his lap. “We... Uh... I don’t know actually...” he braces himself, “If we broke up or not...”

Saying it out loud makes the fact of it close in on him. Yeah, he doesn’t want that. He really doesn’t want to lose Yuuji.

But he doesn’t know if he already has.

“That bad, huh?” Iwaizumi lightly pats his shoulder. “What happened?”

Tadashi heaves a huge breath. Then he tells the story.

How he was upset when his boyfriend came back. Their massive fight and how Yuuji said he shouldn’t have to argue with Tadashi about his choices. How he fucked up and implied that Yuuji was using him for sex, and the other saying that the world doesn’t revolve around him. Finally, how Yuuji said he wasn’t his owner.

He tries to be as detailed as possible so they can accurately gauge if this is salvageable or not. As soon as his story finishes, Akaashi apologizes for being an indirect catalyst of the events, which Tadashi immediately denies.

“So, you got mad because he didn’t tell you he was leaving that night?” his best friend ascertains.

“Yes,” he blurts. And then, hesitantly, he asks to the table more than anyone, “Is that stupid?”

“No way.” Iwaizumi shakes his head with certainty. “Tetsurou told me, and he’s sleeping on his cabin’s couch as a punishment.”

“Wakatoshi lays down a mattress on the floor,” Kei joins in.

“What?” Tadashi leans forward. “Even though they told you?”

“They told us like, literally minutes before they were leaving. That’s the same as forcing us to just go with it.” Iwaizumi’s eyes then cloud up, as if he’s reliving it.

“But of course, if you want a similar context, then Tetsurou’s done that before too. Going on a mission without telling me.”

“Wakatoshi has, too.”

“They have?” Tadashi can’t believe it. Both Kuroo and Ushijima seem so mature.

“Is this something that I have to talk to Tobio about?” Akaashi pipes in after not speaking for a while. Tadashi thinks he’s just quiet on the daily but maybe this time it’s because he doesn’t have any stories to share yet.

“Yes,” is both Kei’s and Iwaizumi’s answer.

“He didn’t tell me because it was a mission I was really excited for, but then I got injured and my squad couldn’t go. When assignments were rearranged, his squad got the mission.” The older scoffs. “He said he was waiting for the right time but he got scared of my reaction and just flew without thinking.”

The collective frowns of all the four men on the table agree that it sounds dumb.

“At least he thought about telling you. My boyfriend was just him being a real airhead. You know how we get confidential assignments, right?” They all nod. “Apparently, he took the confidential part too seriously and didn’t tell a soul that he was going on a mission.”

Kei pinches his temple, stressed just by the memory. “One day, he was just nowhere to be found and I had to ask Daichi to learn that his squad was dispatched.”

Well.

That oddly sounds like something Ushijima would do.

“I didn’t know Ushijima-san was that out of it.” Akaashi’s eyes are attentive. He looks like he’s actually having fun listening to the stories.

Kei groans. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“That must have sucked,” Iwaizumi’s brows almost meet. He empathizes. “What did you do?”

“Well, we had a big fight,” Kei shrugs, “Then I didn’t let him touch me at all for weeks.”

Tadashi feels his face form a grimace.

“Petty,” calls out Akaashi, but it sounds oddly like he approves. “What about you, Iwaizumi-san?”

“We also had a big fight,” the older nods, “But we fucked it out after three days.”

After that comes a weird silence, with Akaashi and Tadashi gaping at the senior pilot. Kei doesn’t seem to be particularly surprised.

“What? Punishments are supposed to be hard on him, not on me. Like I’d go without sex for more than three days when my boyfriend’s right there.” He downs the remaining of his water. “I made him volunteer to clean the cadet gym’s bathrooms for a month.”

All four of them twist their faces at the mention of the cursed place. Tadashi is sure it’s part of cadet training to withstand those bathrooms. Otherwise the maintenance is just too poor.

“Well, the point here is,” Iwaizumi starts, steering the conversation back on topic. “These guys? They’re stupid.”

“Mhm. It’s pretty obvious.” Kei moves his arm, placing it on the table to rest his chin on his palm.

“Which means, if they hurt you, they probably didn’t mean to.” The senior pilot clasps his hands together over the flat surface. “I don’t know Terushima much except for his reputation in pilot training.”

“Talented, moody, and little reckless,” Akaashi supplies and the attention shifts on him. “We’re in the same batch. He seems to go by the ‘you only live once’ phrase.”

Tadashi has to bite back a remark because he knows Yuuji is so much more than that. He wants to defend him, but he also wants to hear what they have to say.

Iwaizumi hums in contemplation.

“Yamaguchi.” His own name startles him when Iwaizumi addresses it. “You confronted Terushima, right?”

Tadashi nods.

“And he fought you back.”

Another nod.

“I don’t know about anything else, but that’s fine. That’s how it’s supposed to be.” Iwaizumi smiles wisely. “You guys have only been dating for at least half a year. There are still so many things you will get to know about each other.”

The use of future tense strangely comforts Tadashi. There has been so many questions plaguing him in the past week, but the most important one to him, Iwaizumi answered.

Is there somewhere to go from here?

“Of course, for that to happen, you have to talk. And I mean talk.” The older’s gaze pins him in his seat. It’s scarily reminiscent of his mother’s when she scolds him. “You both made it clear in your last fight where you stand as individuals.”

Iwaizumi slumps a hand over his shoulder. He squeezes it. “Now figure out where you stand together.”

The senior pilot gives him an encouraging nod. When he meets eyes with the other two men in the table, they do the same.

Tadashi feels so much lighter.

He gives Kei a look. He hopes it conveys the overwhelming gratitude and relief he feels. From the way the taller turns his head away, a small smile decking his lips, Tadashi knows.

Kei reads him. As expected.

Of course, talking about it and sorting it out in his own head doesn’t make it easy to face the real thing.

Yuuji’s cabin doors have never looked so intimidating before. Just from here, he’s already encountering big decisions to make.

Does he use his keycard access? Yuuji may have already erased him from the access list. Even if he didn’t, it’s probably inappropriate to do that while they’re in the middle of a fight.

So does he ring the buzzer? Yuuji may be sleeping, and he knows how torturous it is to have to wake up to someone buzzing your room out. He’s not going to do that to anyone.

Does he knock then? But how loud is loud enough that he knows Yuuji can’t hear him only because he’s asleep and not because his voice isn’t going through the door? He doesn’t want to be screeching in the middle of Johzenji hallways late—

A beep stops his thoughts.

Actually, it may have stopped his heart too.

The doors to the room start to part and Tadashi flails helplessly, not knowing how to convince Yuuji that his lurking is not him being creepy at all.

But when the cabin is finally wide open, he’s stunned to find himself face-to-face with three tall figures.

Ushijima eyes him with that intense stare that he can’t help but be threatened by. Kuroo grins all cat-like as if he’s planning on tearing Tadashi from limb to limb and then sell his internal organs. Kageyama just has his permanent scowl, and that at least, is something he’s used to.

Tadashi is by no means short, but all of them crowded at the door makes it feel like they’s towering over him.

“Uh...m,” he starts and they all lean forward in sync he almost thinks they’re going to bite him. He looks deliberately at the floor. “Is Yuuji there?”

The sighs he hears will probably pass off as one if he isn’t so near them.

“Yes, he is here. What business do you have with him?” Ushijima’s voice raises his intimidating aura tenfold. The freckled boy feels himself shrink where he stands.

“Dude, what are you, his secretary?” Kuroo ribs, probably sensing Tadashi’s withering soul. “He’s inside. Do you want to talk to him?”

“Of course he does, why would he be here otherwise?” Kageyama retorts.

“Wow, define ‘otherwise’ Kageyama,” the engineer quips back, which makes the raven‑haired’s scowl deepen. Kageyama looks like he’s ready to have an existential crisis at the doorway.

“This is stupid,” Kuroo intervenes before it happens. “Look, kid, we’ll get out of your hair, but please go easy on him, ‘kay? He’s learned his lesson, he’s really ashamed of himself.”

He is? He doesn’t say it, instead he nods.

Kuroo shoves the other two out the door. The doors start to close and Tadashi panics because is he supposed to go in now or—

A heavy force lands on his back, having him tumble inside the room just as the doors shut. Tadashi doesn’t get to see who does it, but he can guess.

He looks around. He hasn’t been in Yuuji’s cabin for more than one month. He’s almost surprised at how at home he still feels here. The owner is in the bed, buried under a pile of blankets.

“Yuuji...?”

No response.

“Yuuji,” he calls, firming his voice.

He stalks towards the bed. He hears soft muttering under the blankets.

“Yuuji!” he semi-shouts now that he knows Yuuji is awake.

The blonde springs up from the pile. “Heavens, fuck, Terushima Yuuji, get a grip!”

What.

“Uh...” Tadashi starts, not knowing what to make of that.

Yuuji meets his eyes. And he’s never seen almond honey irises so vibrant in his life. The blonde stares at him wide-eyed; it almost looks like that’s disbelief in his eyes.

“Hi.” It’s not very eloquent, he knows. But he’s not sure what else to say.

“Hello,” is the equally clipped response.

Tadashi’s fingers itch.

They stifle in the uncomfortable silence for a few moments. Predictably, Yuuji breaks it. Patience isn’t really one of his prevalent qualities.

“I want to clarify something,” he declares, stiff and unyielding. “You didn’t break up with me, right?”

The younger’s breath hitches. “Yeah, we’re not. Broken up. I don’t want that.”

Yuuji sighs in clear relief, and Tadashi feels himself loosen up too.

He doesn’t want to break up, too. He still want this.

Tadashi’s skin tingles again. “But we have things to talk about.” He sighs.

Yuuji nods, unusually cooperative. “Sit anywhere you want.”

He nods, but the rest of his body won’t listen. He swallows.

“Actually, can we...” Tadashi looks down, at his feet, and hugs himself. “Can we. Maybe. Lie down and cuddle? As we talk?”

He braces himself for the rejection. It’s just a wild gamble, and of course, he’s prepared to lose.

“I’d like that.” Tadashi snaps his gaze up to see Yuuji making space for him in the bed. The older is looking at his lap, turning red by the minute. He can feel his own face grow warm too.

“Thank you.”

He slips under the blankets, awkward with his arms and hands and legs at first because how the hell do you do this again?

But Yuuji lies down and pulls Tadashi with him. And from there, he finds his footing, so to speak. He loops his leg over the shorter’s and pulls him closer. Yuuji makes a sound like a sharp intake of breath but Tadashi ignores it in favor of snaking one of his arms under the blonde’s neck and the other over his waist.

Tadashi hugs him. He presses closer until there’s no space in between their bodies and shit, if he didn’t miss this so bad. Yuuji is stiff for a moment, probably surprised at Tadashi taking so much initiative. But soon enough, he’s sliding his arm up the younger’s back. He wedges his forehead above the freckled boy’s collar bone and inhales.

Tadashi lets a hand run through Yuuji’s hair, and he feels the man squeeze at his back.

“You cut your hair,” he says softly, knowing the proximity makes it enough.

“Mm.” The blonde nods, head rubbing against the younger’s chin. “Before the party. Daichi made me.”

Tadashi chuckles at that. He can imagine Daichi grooming the members of the White Crow exclusively for public humiliation.

They don’t speak for a while after. Just basks in the feel of each other’s warmth. It’s so comfortable and so familiar and so right. Tadashi thinks he can fall asleep like this.

Talk.

And of course, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Iwaizumi forces itself to the surface of his mind. He sighs heavily.

“Yuuji.” He stops playing with the other’s hair. “You have to know that I don’t want to own you, okay? I’m not here for that.”

Yuuji goes rigid, alarmed that it’s starting. “I don’t wan’t to be your keeper, or something like that.” Tadashi strokes his back to soothe him. “I want to be your partner. To be with you.”

“I can’t do that if you don’t let me in on important decisions, especially regarding your literal life.” He presses his mouth into Yuuji’s hair. “That’s why I was upset that you went on that really really really dangerous mission without telling me. I guess I was also kind of...”

Now it’s his turn to go stiff. This is not something he’s proud of. “Kind of envious. Of Tsukki, and Iwaizumi-san. When they were telling Daichi what happened, I felt so out of the loop. Envy is a really ugly feeling I’m too familiar with, so I guess. Yeah. That plays a part too.”

Yuuji pulls away just enough to look him in the eye. The man inhales sharply.

“I’m sorry for a lot of things.” Tadashi can feel him clench his fist on his back. “I knew that I should have told you. That’s why I got scared.”

The younger furrows his brows.

“You know how I always get dumped because the people I date realize that I’m not actually as cool as I appear to be?” Tadashi snorts. That’s one way to be brutally honest. “That means I haven’t gotten anywhere near six months of a relationship before.”

Tadashi smiles softly. He’s the same.

“It’s just, when we were leaving, I actually felt the need to tell you.” Yuuji does little pinches on the fabric of Tadashi’s shirt. “I think, well,” he sighs, “I’ve never been this emotionally invested on someone that’s not me. And that’s scary for me. Because it feels like I can’t do the things I wanted to do anymore? Does that make sense? It’s like having a puppy.”

Yuuji starts making abstract hand gestures, supposedly to help him explain. “Like, if you have a hangover, you sleep in. But if you get a puppy, you can’t sleep in because you have to feed and walk it in the morning. So that means you can’t get a hangover anymore, which means you can’t drink anymore, and then that means you can’t party anymore. You get it?”

The pilot is out of breath when he finishes his analogy. Tadashi thinks he’s adorable.

“So you mean to say, you like me like a puppy?” the younger teases.

The other huffs. “What? No? I like you more than a puppy.”

Yuuji gasps as soon as he says it. He bumps his head into Tadashi’s chest to hide his face, which the taller guesses is really red from embarassment.

He melts into the feeling. This. He really doesn’t want to lose this.

“This is why people dump me, damn it,” the blonde murmurs.

“Why? I think it’s cute.” Yuuji groans under him.

He removes his arm from the older’s back to cradle his face in his hand. He lifts it up so they can make eye contact. “I like you more than a puppy too, okay?”

“I know you want to have fun and be free to do the things you love. And I really like that about you.” He takes Yuuji’s arm from his back and intertwines their fingers. “I’m not asking you to stop being that. I’m not a puppy you have to take care of, I can handle myself.”

He squeezes the other’s hand. “Maybe, just try to inform me of stuff, give me a chance to offer you my perspective, to fight you on things I don’t like about what you’re doing, and to work on a compromise with you. Just. Let’s be together on things.”

Yuuji is still pouting but he breathes heavily, resigned. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll do that.” The younger heaves his own relieved sigh. The older takes their joined hands and presses a kiss on Tadashi’s knuckles. “I’m sorry I said the universe doesn’t revolve around you. I know you’ve had to deal with that fact a lot of times already because people are stupid and don’t have an idea how amazing you are. And I even rubbed it on your face.”

Yuuji scrunches his face up in frustration with himself. Tadashi takes their hands back and presses his own kiss on the pilot’s fingers. “And I’m sorry I asked if you were just dating me for sex. I know that’s a really bad misconception people have about you that you hate. And I used it to deliberately hurt you.”

He sighs again. That’s really unpleasant to remember.

The older peeks at his face though, a glint of mischief evident in his eyes.

“Does this mean we can have really emotional all-strings-attached sex now?” He grins.

Tadashi lets go of his hand to grip Yuuji’s face with his. “Dream on. You’re forgiven for all other things but not the bolting without telling part. You’re not getting anywhere near my ass until our eighth month mark.”

The pilot manages to remove Tadashi’s hand from his face to protest. “What? So I’m gonna be sexless for three more weeks? What am I, a monk?”

Tadashi giggles at that, wrapping his arm around Yuuji’s waist again. “Maybe you should just razor the rest of your hair.”

The shorter male thrashes and whines in Tadashi’s hold. All the while he laughs.

When the younger doesn’t give, Yuuji simply buries his face in his chest and huffs. “Can I at least kiss you then?”

Tadashi smiles and adjusts their position on the bed so their faces are in front of each other.

“Hel—”

Yuuji’s lips are on his, and it’s soft because of that chapstick that he particularly has delivered from Earth. Tadashi tilts his head so their mouths can slot together, and he just softly, slowly enjoys the tenderness of the kiss.

Just as he’s about to pull away, a hand tugs at the back of his neck to press closer, closer, and something—a thumb—nudges over his lips, coaxing him to open. Suddenly, his mouth is his alone and he gasps for air, the thumb swiping over his lips, before he’s being consumed again and—oh shit, that’s his tongue piercing.

Tadashi remains pliant as Yuuji’s mouth skillfully explores his own and it’s so so familiar, yet so so distant. It dawns on him how long it’s been since they’ve done this, and he missed this so bad too. Before he gets a grip of things, they’re both pulling away to take a breath.

Wow. What the. What.

Yuuji is smirking at him and judging by the heat he feels to the tips of his ears, he must be looking ready to burst like a red giant.

“Okay, maybe I can reduce your sentence to one week,” he says, trying to regain some control on the situation.

“That good, huh?” The older annoyingly licks his lips, “Jimmy’s still got it.”

Ugh. Tadashi rolls his eyes at hearing the name he gave his piercing. “Now that is why people dump you.”

“You like me for it.” Yuuji grins, and cuddles into his chest again. Tadashi’s limbs adjust more naturally now, and his body is encasing the older in a matter of seconds.

“Yeah, unfortunately, I do.” Maybe even more, but that’s a matter for another day.

For now, he’s burying his face in Yuuji’s hair and drawing patterns on his back, and he’s content because this is enough.

“Stay?” Yuuji asks and Tadashi can feel a smile against his heart. He makes sure his own smile is evident as he kisses his boyfriend’s head.

“Of course.” Always.