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"What's gotten into you? You're-"
Kanda sits down next to him, and Allen stops mid-sentence. Strangely enough, he's not as angry as he used to be. There's nothing left to be angry at. Allen proved him wrong. Kanda had thought this naive beansprout would have died way earlier. Either by being a reckless, self-sacrificing idiot, either by killing himself. Which, all things considered, is the same thing.
Instead of that, Allen clings onto life, onto the last bit of sanity he has left, and still - still - finds time to be a self-sacrificing idiot.
Allen left the Order because of him. For him . And Kanda doesn't know how to repay that debt. Kanda doesn't know how he could ever forgive himself for turning a blind eye to the Fourteenth's growing control over Allen, back in Paris. Kanda doesn't know how, except be there when Allen will beg for a mercy kill.
But something just won't let him go. Something that tells him maybe, maybe , he could free Allen Walker from the Noah's grasp. Maybe if he sticks to his side, listens to his story, his worries, his feelings, everything … Maybe they'll find a way. Maybe, for once, he could save instead of destroy. A destroyer who saves.
Maybe death isn't the only way, no matter how prepared for it Kanda is.
"I said I'll help you. And I need as much information as possible. So, talk."
He watches Allen's soft surprise, and Kanda meets his eyes determinedly, trying to convey it all in just one look.
Time almost stops, grey and blue meeting in twin benevolence for the first time.
They're interrupted by akuma portals opening right at their feet, both of their eyes ripped away from each other in one quick motion.
"Looks like getting away from the city was the right decision." Allen muses, a sordid smile on his face.
Kanda grabs the hilt of his sword, and Allen rushes past him in a flurry of innocence feathers. He slices the first akuma in two before it is even fully out of the portal, and Kanda watches.
Allen Walker, who Kanda didn't bother trying to remember the name of, who Kanda thought would die in less than a month after joining their ranks, who almost died twice already; Allen Walker steadily turned into a person Kanda considered his equal.
Allen Walker reacted faster than he did, Allen Walker called him a "fragile person", Allen Walker turns his head and smiles at him.
"Once we're done with them… I'll talk. So please listen."
Allen Walker, who was about to tell him his life story because he felt guilty about knowing his.
What an idiot.
Kanda snorts, standing up and pulling Mugen out of its scabbard.
"Of course."
.
Allen talks, as was agreed. And Kanda listens.
He keeps the story short, light, detail-free. Kanda sees him get uncomfortable a few times, notably when he starts mentioning the dog. He doesn't cry, but his voice is unsteady. Kanda doesn't understand how a dog could hold so much importance in one's life, but he- understands, so he says nothing.
If the dog was beaten to death, Kanda can guess a weird kid with a useless arm probably didn't fare much better. Allen alludes to it, once or twice. But he never says anything more. He mentions being hungry all the time, and it takes a moment for it to click in Kanda's head that Allen is telling him he was starved.
The whole story is like this, full of euphemisms.
But Kanda isn't one to pry, and most of the story is of little import anyway. None of this tells him how to save Allen Walker.
"You said the character on the tree was one your clown friend invented, right?"
"His name is Mana."
Kanda tries to remember it for future reference, if only because he would get pretty pissed if anyone disrespected Alma's memory by calling him "your akuma friend" or something. He understands.
"Mana invented a language that the Ark uses too. But wasn't the Ark created by the Earl? What does that mean?"
Allen's eyes shine with surprise and appreciation when he hears Kanda say Mana's name. Then he lowers his gaze, and sighs.
"Mana was Neah's brother."
"Who's Neah?"
"The Fourteenth."
Kanda waits for the information to register in his mind. Allen was adopted by the Fourteenth's brother. So what does this mean?
"Your friend was a Noah?"
"Wha- No!" Allen exclaims, his head shooting up. "Noahs awaken in random people, they can have human family."
"Huh."
"He wasn't a Noah. He would have known my arm was made of Innocence if he were. But, I'm guessing Mana's secret alphabet was something he had shared with his brother, and this is why the Ark reacts to it. It was built by the Earl yes, but hijacked by the Fourteenth. That's why…"
"But is it really a coincidence? Did -" Ah, so much for trying to remember, "uh. Did the Fourteenth's brother know you were his host?"
Allen shifts, his expression closing just the tiniest bit.
"I don't know. Master - Cross, I mean - implied he did. Maybe Mana only took care of me because I was all that was left of his brother."
"Cross…" Kanda muses.
"He knew the Fourteenth personally. I think… I think Apocryphos might have killed him."
Kanda turns his head.
"Why would he do that? Was Cross a traitor?"
"I don't know." Allen sighs and leans against the pillar, "Apocryphos was hiding inside the Order. He was the Cardinal. Master was killed by someone who could have entered his room, could have overpowered him easily. It's the only logical conclusion."
Kanda clicks his tongue in annoyance. "This is so damn complicated."
Allen laughs.
"Still want to help me?"
"Yeah."
Allen stops laughing.
Kanda had never thought that being somewhat nice to Allen could make him shut up like this. It was strange, but not unpleasant. He knows this is what works, with Walker, but the jabs and insults still come so much more naturally. If only the beansprout wasn't so damn irritating most of the time. If only he was always like this, calm and reasonable and open to Kanda.
"Kanda…" Allen says quietly, his eyes downcast.
"Hm."
"Thank you."
And if Kanda's dying heart beats just a little faster at that, well. No one needs to know.
.
Spending the night on concrete isn't a problem for either of them, but they decide to take turns to stand guard. In case more akumas show up, or Kanda's golem comes back.
Kanda insisted Allen sleeps first, because he still can't trust him not to run at the first opportunity he gets. He already conceded taking turns at all, since Allen retorted with "I said we'll wait together remember?", with a sweet devilish smile. Kanda plans on sleeping with one eye opened anyway.
Allen obediently goes to sleep, and Kanda sits against one of the pillars.
"Kanda." He calls, and said man makes a sound of acknowledgement. "When I sleep, the Fourteenth might take over. Don't let your guard down."
"Understood." He says gravely, quietly, and Allen shifts behind him.
"I won't give him the opportunity. But, just in case…"
"I'll be ready."
"Alright. Good night."
"Good night."
Johnny said he'd be Allen's beacon, not Kanda. If Allen loses control of himself, Kanda won't be able to bring him back. They're not close, they're not friends, they never got along. Kanda means nothing to him.
Shit.
If only that stupid scientist was with them. Him and his stupid optimism, his stupid determination to help, his stupid, stupid simple-mindedness.
Kanda will never be nearly enough.
"Ugh-"
A sudden pain flashes in his forearm, and he startles at the intensity. Damn, not now…
"Kanda…?" Damn… Not now. "Are you… hurt?" Spoken with hesitation and surprise.
"It's nothing, just go to sleep you stupid beansprout." He says through gritted teeth, the sparks of pain pulsating wildly in his arms.
He just killed a dozen of akumas, is that not enough to satisfy the demon his Innocence is? Why now?
"It's not nothing. What's going on? Is it the seal?"
Allen is standing up, his footsteps growing closer to where Kanda is sitting.
"No, I said it's noth-" He doesn't finish his sentence as another wave of searing pain travels in his veins and blows his thoughts away, almost making him double over as he clenches his fists and draws his arms towards himself.
"Kanda!"
Allen rushes to his side and Kanda immediately pushes him away, shooting out his burning arm to act as a barrier between them.
Allen freezes and Kanda is left panting.
"Is this…?"
The words are a mere whisper, and Kanda has barely enough clarity to glance at his arm, now in plain sight. The cross of blasphemy is burning bright red, glowing through his clothes.
Shit.
"This cross is… What's the meaning of this?" Allen grabs his sleeve in urgency.
"It's nothing."
"Stop saying that! It's obviously not! That's the cross Noahs have on their forehead, why do you have it on your arm? Are you… Are you awakening as a Noah?"
The last question is voiced with horror and Kanda snaps, violently drawing his arm back to himself.
"What the hell are you imagining, it's nothing like that you stupid beansprout!"
"Then what is it?!"
"It's just where Mugen materialised you idiot!"
Allen falls silent, his grip on Kanda's sleeve barely loosening.
"What do you mean?"
"Mugen did the thing, like Lenalee's boots. So I drank it. And now it's here."
"Mugen cristallised?"
" Yes , now let go and go to sleep."
"Why is Mugen hurting you then?"
"For fuck’s sake-!"
"Are you falling?"
Kanda stays silent for just a second too long, and then Allen's breath hitches and he hurriedly wracks his brain for a retort.
"It's f-"
"What the hell have you done ?!" Allen all but demands, his hand finally leaving Kanda's sleeve to desperately grab a fistful of his coat instead.
It's not an aggressive gesture, rather it looks like he's holding on for dear life.
But still, Kanda doesn't like being treated like a child. He shakes himself free with one quick motion of his arm, only noticing now they've stopped burning. Allen recoils, an enraged frown on his face.
"If you fall, no one will save you." He says gravely, the intensity of his anger making his voice tremble.
"Heh…" Kanda can't help but snicker, and Allen's indignation grows visibly.
"What's so funny?"
"Your optimism. We'll both be long dead, before I become a fallen one."
"Oh?" Allen asks sarcastically, his smile growing sinister, "You're going to kill me, and then kill yourself? How romantic."
"I won't need to."
Kanda doesn't realise exactly what he's said, until Allen's expression shifts.
"How long…?" He starts, but then stops, his face twisting before he averts his eyes.
How long do you have left? Kanda can guess it even without hearing it.
He shrugs.
"Enough."
"Enough to kill-help me?" His chuckle is bittersweet, and he finally lets his weight fall next to Kanda.
Looks like neither of them want to sleep tonight.
"Yeah."
They fall silent, neither moving nor sleeping.
Kanda isn't sure how he feels about being stuck here, alone with Allen. At no point did they get a chance to think. He grabbed onto him without a thought, and only now is he slowly becoming aware of the consequences.
It's awkward, really.
Kanda never minded silence, but the sprout isn't one to ever shut up. Or so Kanda thought. Maybe there's more to him than what he saw, and kept seeing. Maybe they do have things in common.
"I don't understand you, Kanda." Allen whispers, low enough Kanda could ignore it without seeming rude if he wanted.
But Kanda isn't one to run.
"What?"
"I don't think you realise just how much you're sacrificing for- for me. If you did, I…" Allen shakes his head, a small smile on his lips, "No, really. There is no way you realise."
"Shut up beansprout. I know what I'm doing."
"Do you? Why would you throw your life and- and everything you have- why would you throw it all away?"
There's a scathing, angry retort at the tip of his tongue, but Kanda falls silent instead of letting it out. He's not throwing anything away. He's using what he has left to the fullest. It's irritating, how Allen can't grasp a concept as simple as his life having value. Or, no-
The concept Kanda cares what happens to him.
He thought it would be an easy thing to say. He'd imagined telling Allen everything he wanted to say, in simple words. He'd imagined Allen smiling, simply, and saying thank you , and accepting Kanda's words and feelings. He'd imagined it all, and it hadn't seemed so difficult.
Yet here he is. Tongue-tied. Life slowly slipping through his fingers.
"I told you before, I'm not throwing it away. Now shut up about it already."
Allen chuckles quietly beside him.
"I really don't understand you, Kanda. You hate me, and then you want to save me. You want to save me, and then you want to kill me."
"Do you think you can be saved?"
Allen falls silent. Kanda waits as he stares at the city below, night lights imitating the stars as they shine dimly in the distance. He doesn’t know the answer. If it were him he would say no without hesitation.
“I hope so.” Allen finally whispers, “What else can I do but hope?”
But you don’t believe it, Kanda wants to say, you hope because you don’t believe.
He must know it, too. Death is the only reprieve people like them get. People whose life and body are a weapon. From the very moment they were born. Both of their hearts bear a brand that will always tie them to this. There is no other escape. And yet.
“Then, I’ll save you.”
Yet, Kanda can do nothing but hope, too.
Allen smiles besides him.
“Don’t die trying.”
“No way.”
Hope he can also be a destroyer who saves.