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“Isn’t it a great plan?”
Dazai beams and waits for his friends to applaud his genius. As expected, Ango is such a spoilsport that his first reaction is to wipe off sweat from his forehead and to worriedly say, “Dazai-kun, this is…”
With that tone of voice, he’s bound to try to dissuade him. So Dazai turns to his other side, and sure enough, OdaSaku is nodding at him with a smile. “I think that’s sweet of you of think of making Chuuya-kun happy on his birthday.”
Dazai pouts at his intentions being misread. “I told you guys, this is a plan to ruin his day! Ruin it!”
When his friends only give him indulgent looks, his pout deepens as he proceeds to explain things once more.
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Dazai… is acting weirder than usual. He’s always been plenty strange, but it’s even worse now. He has an odd, pinched quality to the purse of his lips, as he does incomprehensible things, as though he’s torn between supreme unwillingness and extreme determination.
He makes a mental list of today’s oddities:
- being woken up by a polite knock on his door (instead of the usual, which involves destroying his lock and sauntering straight to his bedroom to literally drag him out of his bedsheets by the ankles)
- receiving an actual morning greeting (instead of prattling about stupid things or discussing mission specifics before he’s even scrubbed the sleepiness out of his eyes)
- getting asked as to what he wants to eat for breakfast (instead of getting shoved an onigiri with a surprise filling of a paperclip, or getting tricked to drinking from the same iced coffee can as that mackerel’s)
- having his arm taken in a gentle hold to steer him towards the elevator lobby (instead of—okay, this is just plain what the fuck, because: what the fuck is going on?!)
Dazai is acting like a well-mannered gentleman…? But since he’s so Dazai… he just acts like an unhinged person.
Is this a fake Dazai?
Chuuya considers it and takes a side-step closer to Dazai so he can sniff him. Nope, he smells like the same-old mackerel, just freshly-showered while wearing freshly-laundered clothes. (Fine, that is strange, but nothing that indicates fake identities yet.)
Did someone possess this bastard’s body?
That’s slightly harder to prove.
Maybe he should ask him a question that only the real Dazai can answer.
“You…” Chuuya pulls at the other’s arm so that they’re facing each other, the tips of their shoes touching. Just in time for the elevator that they’ve been waiting for to open up at their floor with a faint ‘ding’. “…How do you feel about me?”
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“…How do you feel about me?”
Dazai suppresses the urge to snigger while spinning around in celebration. His plan is working!!! He’s had to work hard to act nice towards the chibikko, but it’s now paying off with great results!!! The chibi is starting to lose braincells and is starting to question reality!!!
After all, why else would he ask such an obvious question? Everyone knows the obvious fact that he, Dazai Osamu, hates Nakahara Chibikko, after all! Chuuya, of all people and all dogs, should know that! And now, he’s questioning it! His plan is a success, as expected!
…Of course, just because his plan has succeeded doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have further plans in mind.
So he fakes a confused look on his face and hedges, “…Isn’t it obvious how I feel?”
When Chuuya simply waits for him to elaborate further, he sighs deeply and pouts like he’s being wronged. He places a hand over Chuuya’s hold on his arm, as he flutters his eyelashes and declares, “Isn’t it obvious that I like you so much?”
…Ah, it’s really good that he’s had the forethought to hold on to Chuuya, because seeing the stupefied, wide-eyed, blushing expression on the other’s face is enough to make him want to roll on the floor in laughter.
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“Isn’t it obvious that I like you so much…?”
“I like you so much…”
“I like you…”
“So much…”
The line echoes and reverberates inside Chuuya’s head, to the point that he doesn’t even hear or notice Hirotsu-san—who’s been inside the elevator that just arrived on their floor, in time to witness history’s turning point—cough and hurriedly tell them that it’s fine if they want to take the day, or even the week off, or even the month off, as long as they ensure that they don’t do whatever they’re going to do in the headquarters.
Chuuya feels his face heat up as “I like you so much” continue to ring inside him.
Isn’t—isn’t this an obvious threat?! Dazai is definitely possessed by some alien or ghost or enemy Ability User! Whoever’s possessed him has just challenged him! Dazai saying “I like you” to anyone while wearing such a pure expression is a lethal weapon, an act of terrorism!
If Dazai is incapacitated, then that means soukoku is in peril, which means that Port Mafia’s strongest weapon is compromised!
Chuuya takes a deep breath to fortify himself. Clearly, he needs to stick by this mackerel so he can discover a way to get him back from the clutches of whoever’s possessing him. He’ll even generously try smacking him around, in case that will help break the hold on him.
…Also…
He takes his phone from his pocket, opens the video app, and aims it at Dazai’s face.
“I didn’t hear what you said just now,” Chuuya lies with the best poker face he has. It just so happens that his poker face involves too much blushing, okay? “Care to repeat it?”
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…that chibikko really has lost his mind.
He’s even lost his senses, claiming that his hearing has gone bad, making him repeat “I like you so much” ten times before he’s satisfied. It doesn’t matter that the chibikko is recording him saying it—he can always steal the other’s phone and delete all evidence later—though it’s rather entertaining to try different inflections on his voice with each repetition. Chuuya’s ears are as red as ripened tomatoes by the time the ten iterations are completed.
Chuuya still does remember to punch him lightly in the arm, so he still hasn’t completely lost his mind though.
It’s unacceptable, so Dazai resolves to continue his acting. He can’t let this day be over without thoroughly driving the chibi to madness!
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At this point, Chuuya feels like he’s stepped into an alternate world, where everything is fucking crazy.
There’s Dazai willingly treating him to lunch, using his own money, without even attempting to steal his wallet from his pants. There’s Dazai offering to blow at the piping-hot food to spare his tongue from being hurt—and he offers this so earnestly that Chuuya’s somehow terrified that Dazai would even offer to chew it for him. There’s Dazai dragging him by the hand towards an arcade, and then proceeding to win at everything there and piling up a bunch of plushies and trinkets into his arms, to the point that he’s had to use an express delivery service to send back some of the prizes to his office because he can’t carry them all.
There’s Dazai bringing him to an amusement park and going along with him to the haunted houses, the rollercoasters and even the Ferris Wheel that’s supposed to be reserved for mystical, romantic first dates (or so he’s heard from the courtesans under Ane-san’s squad).
“I hope you enjoyed today, Chuuya,” Dazai tells him the moment their carriage is at the apex of the Ferris Wheel, the sunset making everything, including the Yokohama skyline and both of their faces, look like it’s dyed with pink.
…Thing is, there’s something that he’s realized throughout the day.
This Dazai is too smart to be hit by a long-range Ability. His insides must be too scary for an alien or a ghost to haunt comfortably. Anyone who attempts to control him would probably be driven out kicking and screaming.
So this Dazai who’s acting strange… is the actual Dazai all along.
And, this Dazai is probably… in love with him?
He feels the deepest sort of pity for the other because he can never fall in love with a shitty mackerel—his taste is much better than that, after all. But he’s actually enjoyed today, so… maybe it’s okay to stay like this for a little while. And knowing Dazai, the other definitely knows that it’s his birthday today… it’s not something that he cares so much about, but for someone to actually remember it…
It does make him happy, even if it’s due to a stinking mackerel.
“I did enjoy it,” Chuuya says, opting for honesty this time because he’s already lied once today and he doesn’t like to make it a hobby. Mustering up all of his goodwill and affection, because Dazai does reserve a reward for not being a massive piece of shit today, he smiles and says, “Thank you for making this day special,” before leaning forward and kissing the other’s cheek.
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“And so, my plan is a complete and utter success,” Dazai is grinning manically as he spins on his heel while avoiding hitting the barstools. “Ah, but I didn’t expect that the chibikko would actually have developed some good taste in falling for me! I had wondered why he didn’t kick me to death with his tiny feet throughout the day, but apparently it’s because he actually likes me! Ah, it’s so disgusting, it really is!”
“…You’re smiling so happily, Dazai-kun,” Ango says with a hand on his forehead. “The grapevine is filled with gossip about your date, you know…?”
“You’ve done a nice thing, making his birthday a happy one,” OdaSaku adds, making a toast.
“It’s all because of my excellent plans,” Dazai brags, and touches his cheek with something that can be considered as a happy expression.
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end