Chapter Text
Kakashi threw down his orange book in a fit of rage and screamed, not caring how many noise complaints he would incur.
Kakashi Hatake had endured a lifetime of tragedies that would break an ordinary person. His father’s suicide, his crush’s murder alongside his best friend’s sacrifice, and even the separation of his found family at the hands of Orochimaru. All of those experiences hurt and chipped away at his soul every time he ruminated on them. But in all of his years, none of his past tragedies managed to offend him like this poor excuse of an ending for the bestselling and widely popular series, Icha Icha Paradise.
The character motivations changed at the drop of a hat, the pairings were all split up and mismatched, and the sex scenes – oh, the sex scenes! – were robotic and had as much descriptive prose as the nutrition section on the back of a cereal box. Jiraiya was a real wordsmith who knew how to describe the graceful curve of a woman’s breast and make it sound classy while still giving a man a boner. His craft was a thing of wonder, which was another reason his death via drowning was such a heavy blow: his famous work had to be finished posthumously by his editors, who shaped the ending based off of the haphazard notes the old sannin left behind. And there wasn’t a lot of them.
Kakashi marched out of his apartment in the middle of the night for some air and found himself walking to his favourite place, the local bookstore. He stood there for hours until the sun rose and then some hours more. The bored teenage employee eventually arrived and opened the store, letting him in to accomplish his goal of finding a new adult series to love.
He holed himself inside his apartment for weeks on end and read everything. Historical romance, paranormal romance, cowboy romance, and even a subgenre called Amish romance and that one had to be the most boring. Although mostly entertaining, Kakashi couldn’t find anything to fill the void that Icha Icha Paradise had left in his heart.
That’s when the Copy Nin got the brilliant idea to write his own adult series. If you can’t find what you want, then write what you want. Who knows, he might even be able to make a buck or two, and develop a hobby to explore his pent-up childhood tragedies, PTSD from his time as a child soldier, and ongoing trauma as a shinobi. Or at least that last bit was what Shizune had said during his yearly check-up before he tuned her out.
People were growing concerned about Kakashi’s mental health and thought it was a good idea to invite him to the picnic Konohagakure was hosting to celebrate peace after the war. Kakashi reluctantly agreed, his eyes glued to his laptop screen as he quickly typed something up with his index fingers, and people generally left him alone because at least he seemed content.
She sat in the bed, wearing nothing but the garter he gifted her, and stared with bashful excitement and slight apprehension at the sight of her lover’s swollen…
Hm… Kakashi tapped his chin, wondering what was another good substitution for penis? He’d used “manhood” too many times already and he thought the word “cock” was too unattractive. Just made him imagine chickens, which made him think of that one good fried chicken place that burned down, and his mood soured again.
What was he trying to figure out again?
“My salami!” cried a familiar voice.
Kakashi looked up from his screen to witness a despondent Naruto kneeling on the ground, trying to salvage what was left of his salami and mozzarella sandwich that had fallen in the grass. Sakura punched the boy in the head before he could place it back on his plate.
“No, my salami…” he continued, face-planted in the dirt.
Kakashi had hisaha!moment and resumed typing.
She sat in the bed, wearing nothing but the garter he gifted her, and stared with bashful excitement and slight apprehension at the sight of her lover’s swollen salami.
“Hey Kakashi-sensei,” hollered Iruka. “What are you doing? Come here and line up before the buffet runs out!”
Kakashi sighed and decided it was time for a break as the thought of fried chicken and salami sandwiches peaked his hunger. He raised his hitai-ate and activated the Sharingan, copying his writing to memory, before deleting his work in case anyone tried sneaking a peak or stealing the laptop while he was away.
“Took you long enough,” said Iruka, handing the man a plate, some napkins, and cutlery.
“Yeah, what were you working so hard on?” Anko asked cheekily, not-so gently elbowing Kakashi in the rib. “Creating an online dating profile and messaging the hot locals in your area?”
Iruka scoffed while he scooped mashed potato onto his plate. “I hardly think that’s what he was doing, Anko.”
“Hey, don’t knock it until you try it! I’ve gotten some pretty decent people in my rotation.” Anko replied, sticking her tongue out at the chuunin instructor and Kakashi had to pull his plate away when her tongue almost grazed his salad. “Even got set up with Ibiki on the last date, but that didn’t work out. Maybe I’ll tell you about it some time if you want.”
Iruka and Kakashi glanced over at Ibiki, who was sitting cross-legged under a tree, slowly shovelling a spoonful of buttered corn into his mouth with a – dare they call it – hauntedlook in his eyes. Iruka and Kakashi quickly made eye contact and shuddered, declining Anko’s kind offer.
Kakashi followed the two ninjas, letting them converse while he was lost in thought, trying to generate ideas for his book. He had the sex scenes down pat, but it was everything else in between that he needed: a plot, backstory, and, most importantly, characters! He never thought it was so difficult to come up with cool, dynamic characters and their relationships with one another.
Letting Iruka and Anko outpace him, Kakashi turned around and went back to his original seat where he left his laptop, but pocketed the idea of a scary woman and a tight-laced square for future reference. His table now seated other people too and he slid in quietly, hoping that they would ignore him.
To his left, Naruto was still pouting over his sandwich, which was now just a slice of bread with some mustard and onions on it. The boy picked at it listlessly with his fork, sending “look at me” expressions to his teammate seated beside him, but she was preoccupied talking to the other blonde-haired and blue-eyed friend sitting across from her. Kakashi couldn’t help but overhear as Yamanaka Ino loudly complained that Shikamaru had hit her with the watermelon on purpose.
“Ino, he was blindfolded and you shouldn’t have stood so close to the splash zone,” reasoned Sakura. “It could have been worse. He could have smacked you instead of the watermelon!”
The girl growled. “No, he’s just been super distracted because he keeps requesting missions to go to the Land of Sand. Imagine using work as an excuse to flirt with foreigners!”
“There’s no proof that Shikamaru is seeing her though,” Chouji spoke in-between bites of his chips, and Kakashi used his deductive skills to figure out the Nara genius was apparently dating the female Sand Sibling. “And I think we should be happy for him if they want to be together.”
“Well who asked you!” screeched Ino.
Now that was quite the love polygon, especially when you considered adding other people to it too for extra drama.
Finished with his food and looking for a chance to give his ears a break, Kakashi got up to throw away his plate. He nearly toppled over the heaping pile of paper plates and cups that were precariously balanced on top of the bin, but the people sitting beside it barely noticed.
Hyuuga Neji and Uchiha Sasuke were engaging in an arm wrestling contest and were so evenly matched that their arms barely moved, looking like they were holding hands in a really odd position. Hinata was standing over the two, relegated to the role of their referee, eyes shifting nervously between her cousin and the Uchiha. Kakashi took a second longer to gaze at the boys and noted how they could have been really good friends in another life. Both hailed from prestigious clans, both had traumatic childhoods caused by the pressures from said prestigious clans, both had a penchant for billowy tops (Neji in white and Sasuke in a shade so blue it was nearly black), and both had freaky eyes. And as the gray-haired ninja took Hinata’s presence into consideration, he realized that she and Sasuke could have had amazing chemistry in another life too.
Oh well. C’est la vie.
If only in another life, or in a work of fiction.
Kakashi walked to the refreshment table as the sandwiches at this picnic were awfully dry. He knew the Hidden Leaf had fallen on some tough times, but they couldn’t offer anymore condiments?
He could hear Rock Lee’s happy, youthful boasts about the importance of remaining… well, happy and youthful before he made it there. It was obvious that Inuzuka Kiba was the source of the green beast’s tirade as he stood, arms crossed, looking irritated. He had been volunteered to hand out fruit punch and lemonade when all he wanted to do was smack the punchbowl against Rock Lee’s head. Tenten stood in line and tried to de-escalate the situation, urging Rock Lee just to pick a beverage and leave the poor boy alone. She practically perked up when she spotted Kakashi approaching and told Kiba to serve the older man first.
Kakashi pondered what he wanted more – fruit punch or lemonade, fruit punch or lemonade, lemonade or fruit punch? – while lazily looking at the Naruto-wannabe scowling in front of him before side-eying the squabbling pair beside him.
Hmm… so much raw power and natural instinct from the Inuzuka and so much hard work and dedication from Lee. How would a level-headed girl choose between such vastly different boys if she had to pick? Kakashi confused Kiba by asking for a mixture of both fruit punch and lemonade in the same glass and the jounin walked away, formulating another idea.
Walking back to his seat with a bounce in his step, Kakashi spotted Sai and Shino standing under the balloon arch. Shino proudly showed off one of his bugs, letting the creature climb off his hand and onto Sai’s outstretched finger. Sai smiled his weird little smile in response and the whole scene just seemed so weirdly intimate.
If he was honest, Kakashi would admit that Sai was a poor man’s Uchiha Sasuke with a sadder past – which was really saying something – but the boy appeared somewhat happy in the Aburame’s company. Sai and Shino were just… the outcasts. The ones who didn’t receive enough attention from their peers. Maybe it was because they were both extremely quiet and reserved, and not in the cutesy way like Hinata or the socially inept way like Sasuke or even the “too-intimidating-to-talk-to” way like Neji. They were just the forgotten ones and somehow found each other.
Kakashi took a pause to consider the direction of this story and realized that there was room, not to mention a market, for those kinds of stories too. After all, with so many three-man teams having one girl and two boys, there was always a few teams where the two boys managed to fall in love instead. Kakashi nodded his head. Yup, he was going to do it.
With newfound inspiration, Kakashi took his laptop and rushed home to write before anyone could stop him, or ask why he was so giddy.
Sitting down at his work desk, Kakashi decided he’d change the names later and that everything would turn out okay.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t.